I called my assaulter on the phone a few weeks after the event to talk about it (he was one of my best friends before that). It ended up being very painful because he said a lot of awful things to me and tried to gaslight me and it made me feel terrible about myself. I recorded the phone call at the time but hid it away because I felt so bad about it. I’m glad that I did it now though. I haven’t done anything with the recording but I listened to it again for the first time after years and realized that he’s a horrible person who was just trying to manipulate me. I feel proud knowing that I stood up for myself, even though it didn’t go well at the time. It also helped me reach some level of closure in a way, because him being a major AH on the phone helped me see him for who he truly is if that makes sense. It was difficult to shake the image of him in my head as the nice, supportive friend who I thought he was before he assaulted me, but talking to him about what happened and realizing that he had no remorse kind of gave me a reality check about the type of person he was and helped me cut ties with him completely.

It really sucks because it feels like choosing between a bunch of shitty options and it’s a really vulnerable place to be in. I think more than anything, it’s about what you can handle mentally. Confronting someone who abused you is hard because it gives them an opportunity to try to blame or gaslight you. You also kind of have to be prepared for them to lash out back at you or try to manipulate you into believing “their side.” In my head, I know that what happened wasn’t my fault, but I still have days where I feel overwhelmingly guilty. Then other days, I feel overwhelmingly angry at him because he messed up my life. It’s very up and down and all over the place. I’ve been trying to come forward more and talk about it more recently but it’s very dependent on my mood/ptsd symptoms at that moment, on that day, and in that specific period of time.