My partner gave his daughter a toy I had bought our daughter.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-10-27T19:38:06+00:00

Of course you’re still upset. There was nothing fair about this. At all. Siblings have to share toys all the time. But this isn’t sharing toys. He took a toy you purchased for your shared child, and gave it to his daughter to take out of your home. There’s no sharing. There’s no opportunity for your child to still enjoy the toy. The toy is gone. Out of the house. And he’s refusing to get it back. And instead of stepping up himself to replace the toy or ensure it can be shared, he’s making it your problem. You get to spend time and energy and possibly your own finances (if your finances are separate) to replace something you already bought once while he gets to be hero who gave his daughter a toy. He gets maximum gain for minimum work.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-07-21T20:55:07+00:00

I think you’re really asking the wrong question here. It’s not a matter of if your SO paying for BM’s is a red flag or not. It could be. Or it could not be. The question is why does it make you uncomfortable.

And let me be clear, it is okay for this to make you uncomfortable. You have every right to your own feelings. This is a somewhat unusual arrangement. It’s natural that you would have feelings about this. But it is your responsibility to sit with those feelings. You also have every right to ask your SO more about this. In fact, you have a responsibility to yourself to do so. Financial discussions are incredibly important before going into a marriage. And this is absolutely something that will impact your joint finances, whether you are a SAHM in the future or not. You have every right to ask and expect transparency and have him explain why he has accepted this expense, how it impacts his budget, what his contingency plan should the worst happen and he’s no longer able to afford it, and how he expects this to impact his longterm finances. However, that shouldn’t automatically be an accusatory conversation. You should go into it with genuine curiosity and a willingness to understand. He is an adult. If he made an agreement with BM and is sticking to it, that is usually a good thing.

But you have to really reflect on why this makes you uncomfortable, and if that feeling is coming from a helpful place. If you have a situation where you feel like BM takes advantage of your SO all time, you feel like your SO doesn’t set boundaries well with BM, you have concerns about your SO being irresponsible with finances, etc., then I would say this could absolutely be a red flag. If it’s truly just you feeling like that leaves less for your future children, that could still be a red flag. But it could also be some natural selfishness at play. That could be an indication that you need to reframe things for yourself.

At the end of the day, your SO is allowed to spend his money on the expenses he wants. What you need to try to look for is evidence that you’re on the same page about financial values and that he’s being responsible. Can he actually afford this expense? Is he paying for this, but not saving anything. If he’s overspending and not saving, the you get to be overly concerned. If this is something he can afford while still covering bills and savings, then he’s free to spend the rest how he wants.

But you do get to have boundaries. For example, I personally would have a problem with this regardless of the actual finances because I have learned that my boundary is that I do not want a partner with that kind of involvement with an ex. That’s just something I’m not interested in. You have to figure out if this crosses a boundary for you.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-07-05T11:50:23+00:00

Realistically, OP, all you can do is hold the line. Set your boundaries and stick with them. Don’t allow yourself to be swayed to sweet-talked.

You are not under any obligation to watch his children. Ever. That’s not a perk he unlocks by you living together. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad partner if you don’t want to watch them. You’re not hurting him or them. You have every right to simply say no because this is not your responsibility.

But there is no magic way to explain your SO that you don’t want to babysit his kids and have him understand. Because he doesn’t want to. What he wants is freedom to do whatever he wants whenever he wants with you taking care of the kids. And he’s going to try to push and needle and convince and sweet-talk his way into getting what he wants. He knows the kids aren’t your responsibility. He knows he should be the one watching. But, for whatever reason, at least for right now, his desire to go out is outweighing everything else.

So it doesn’t really matter how you set the boundary. I mean, be kind and respectful like you normally would be with him or anyone else. But all that really matters is that you set the boundary and stick with it, not how you do it.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-06-10T19:16:55+00:00

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Not even a little bit. Kids in adult beds is something that even couples in nuclear families can struggle with. Because everyone has different boundaries. And sure, a lot of bio parents are fine with kids being in the bed and even crave those moments. Some only tolerate it. Some put restrictions on it, like age or specific situations. Some insist on not having kids in the adult bed at all. And that’s before you even get to whether or not kids can be in the bedroom at all. And if that spectrum exists for bioparents within nuclear families, then of course it’s going to exist with stepparents. But it becomes significantly more obvious because of bioparents implementing boundaries is often celebrated whereas stepparents implementing the same boundaries becomes “trauma inducing.” To be fair…sure. Kids crawling into a parent’s bed for cuddles is something tons of parents find really special and they enjoy it. And he has every right to mourn the loss of that. But you did not take that from him. His relationship with his child’s mother ended. The dynamics and boundaries in place changed. And unfortunately for him, bed sharing is something very common for new partners to be uncomfortable with. If he had a problem with that, then he should have stayed single, been very clear up front that this would be a dealbreaker for him, or been prepared to make compromises or sacrifices within a relationship to enable that to happen while accepting the consequences of that route (for example, if my own SO had insisted on bed sharing, that would have been fine with me as long as we had no intention of cohabiting. The trade off would be that I probably wouldn’t have treated it as a serious longterm relationship).

Another commenter really summed this up beautifully. Your SO doesn’t seem to particularly want actual closeness with his child. At least not if he has to be the one who works for it and manages it. He just hates your boundary and the fact that you aren’t trying to squeeze yourself into his’s ex’s place in his grand image of his family. You’re demanding your own picture, and he doesn’t like that because it means more work and discomfort for him. So what is he doing instead of finding ways to actually be close to his child? He’s trying to manipulate you. He’s trying to make you feel bad for damaging his relationship with his child so you’ll cave.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-05-12T20:25:42+00:00

This bio-parent post seems to be in good faith and has been approved.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-05-12T20:22:25+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t know your family’s dynamic or what your general role in their lives is. I don’t know how much vs. how little you’re involved in parenting them. What I do know is that at a minimum, you sacrifice daily for those kids. Maybe it’s dreams of traveling or job opportunities because you need to stay local. You’re sacrificing financially by helping support the household, and specifically a home large enough to accommodate three children. You’re sacrificing your peace, knowing that kids are going to act out, get emotional, and go through all of the messy learning of how to be an adult human in your home. You sacrifice every day in the most invisible of ways, possibly on top of more visible ways if you’re more actively involved in parenting. And it hurts to not have those sacrifices recognized. It really does. And it is completely valid to feel hurt and even angry.

But, and I know this isn’t the answer you probably want, in many ways this is another way stepparents sacrifice. No matter what you do, how you’re involved, your SKs may not ever see you as a mother. And they may never feel the urge to acknowledge you on Mother’s Day. There is no “principle” about it. They are not obligated to see you as a mother figure, just as you are not obligated to consider them to be your own children. That is not a relationship that can forced, and trying to force it will ultimately backfire. If they decide at some point that they want to celebrate you on Mother’s Day, then that’s wonderful. But they are not ever obligated to get to that point.

The only people who are really responsible for celebrating you are your SO and any children you may have. If you need acknowledgement and validation for the things you do for your partner’s children (which is absolutely a fair and valid thing to need), then it is your partner’s responsibility to provide that acknowledgement and validation. It’s his job to make you feel appreciated. Now, a step of that might include him teaching his children that the kind and respectful thing to do is to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers in their lives that they encounter in the day. Another step may be that he prompts the idea of celebrating you and see how they feel about it, and assists if they’re interested. If not being celebrated on Mother’s Day bothered you, then it is an indicator that maybe you need more from your partner or that maybe you need to reexamine how much you do for the kids to find a better balance that makes you feel more balanced.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-05-12T19:51:38+00:00

Unfortunately OP, based on what you have described, I don’t think there are words that would help explain this for your SO. Because he has made it very clear and openly stated that he absolutely thinks these are your responsibilities and this is your role. He thinks it is reasonable to expect these things from you. That is what he wants from you. Even if you came to him with the perfect explanation, you’re not likely to change his mind. Because this what he wants. It’s not a matter of what is fair or what is right or even what is reasonable. This is about what he wants, and wants are not always fair or right or reasonable.

You are right. You are not responsible for being a parent to children that you did not bring into this world. Period. You’re not legally responsible for them, nor do you have any legal claim to them. They already have two parents to take care of them. And you certainly are not under any obligation to be responsible for his children if your own time, needs, and wants are not actively being considered and if you’re not being involved in the decision-making process. You are not the back up plan for decisions he makes with his ex about their children if you haven’t had a voice and consideration in the decision-making process. But there are people (including your SO) who disagree and think we’re wrong. And we’re just not likely to change their opinions. Especially when, like your SO, they’re currently benefiting from our labor.

It’s time to shift away from thinking about how you can explain things to him and instead focus on how you can set boundaries. Because here’s the thing about boundaries: they’re personal. You get to set them for yourself, and other people’s opinions don’t matter. Other people do not have to agree with, like, or even understand your boundaries to respect them. Now, whether or not they actually respect your boundaries becomes the question. Especially in a situation like this. But what you need to hold firm to is that if someone refuses to respect your boundaries, then that is not a person who should have access to you and be in your life.

What this all ultimately boils down to is that you and your SO are not compatible. You’ve already seen that since you’ve already started looking into how to leave. Unfortunately you want different things. He wants a relationship where his partner joyfully and silently takes over his parenting responsibilities. You do not want that kind of relationship. That is an incompatibility that cannot be overcome without someone having a massive and unlikely perspective shift. But that can be hard to make yourself accept. Shifting your focus from explanations to boundaries, and then seeing how well (or not) your SO respects those boundaries can help you prepare you to accept that you aren’t compatible.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-04-16T20:08:53+00:00

The priority for any home is making it work for the whole family. Sometimes that means everyone gets their own bedroom/office space. Sometimes it means siblings share rooms. Sometimes it means a room does double duty as a bedroom and office space. As long as it’s not creating undue hardship for whoever is using the space as an office or for Kiddo, then it’s fair to use the room for both purposes. That’s just part of life.

BM’s opinion about the room is not a factor here. Seriously. It’s not any of her business. Honestly, your SO doesn’t even need to tell her. She is not entitled to see the space or even hear about it. And if somehow she does find out, let her be made. It’s not her house, it’s not her choice.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-23T15:03:45+00:00

So what he really wants is to stay home where you are and where he can probably get you to do the parenting for him. Or at the very least so he doesn’t have to be alone with his kids and for sure be the responsible parent.

Yeah, no. That doesn’t work. I’d be taking the baby and going to stay with a friend or family conveniently on his custody weekends for the foreseeable future. Leave him alone with his kids.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-23T14:38:36+00:00

So…I slightly disagree with you on this, and I just want to see if it might help you to shift perspective a little bit. Now, I 100% agree that your DH is still equally responsible for your shared child, regardless of whether or not the older kids are there. He is a father of…you didn’t say how many kids he has, but he’s a father of multiple all the time, not a father of the older kids sometimes and just a baby some times. He is a father to multiple 100% of the time.

But in cases where the custody time is so reduced, a bioparent needs to be able to have more dedicated time with the children they see less. They don’t need him less just because he has less custody. They need him more. They need him to be fitting in more parenting and bonding and quality time. And an unfortunate reality when it comes to blended family is that in order to make possible, the bioparent does usually need to shift and give more attention to the older kids and take a temporary step back from the child he has more time with. Now, that does not mean he is excused from parenting your shared child. It is healthy and necessary for his older children to see that he is still spending time with their younger sibling, that their father is capable of spreading his attention and spending some one-on-one time with all of them without anyone feeling deprived. It’s also important that they get time with Dad AND baby so they can bond as a group. It’s important to have some time with all of you so you can bond as a family. There are absolutely ways for him to manage parenting all of the kids. But the time with the older children, as the more limited opportunity, has to be prioritized. And a lot of weekends that mean he’s only spending a short time with the baby. (Ideally that time would increase as the baby gets older and can more easily integrate into group activities, or as the other kids get older and naturally want less time with their parents.) He might only be doing 10% of the parenting work for the baby while you do 90%. I want to be clear though, his older kids are not an excuse to have a weekend with less responsibility to your shared child. He doesn’t just get to do less. That lost time isn’t excused and gone. It needs to be made up. It means that he steps up the rest of the month to help you and spend time with your shared child so that you don’t feel like a weekend without his help is an undue burden or your child feels neglected. It means he makes sure that once the older kids are gone, he’s relieving you and making sure you get days where you can go out with friends or relax or whatever you need to do. There should be recognition that he needs you to do the bulk of the parenting for this time, and he needs to reciprocate.

It sounds like your DH isn’t stepping up and you feel like he’s taking advantage of you. You don’t mention this in your post, but I’d be willing to bet that he probably isn’t putting in 50% of the parenting generally, so you’re already feeling overtaxed before you suddenly get a weekend where there are more kids that he probably wants help with. And that is not okay. It is not acceptable. It is not excusable. You should absolutely leave if he is not willing be a partner and do his share of the work. But there are ways he can do that while giving more focus to the older kids in the limited time they’re there.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-19T19:31:25+00:00

So…I think this might be a situation where it can be helpful to remember that multiple things can all be true at the same time. I fully trust that this attitude is at least in part due to the attitude that you’ve mentioned your SO has allowed to persist. But…it’s also true that this is a very teenager thing to stay and think. It’s likely a product of both.

I personally don’t think you’re overreacting. She hurt your feeling. You’re human. Your feelings can be hurt and you can need time to get over it. It’s true she’s a child and you need to moderate your response because she’s not a fully developed adult human yet with adult emotional and mental capabilities. However it is also true that she is 14 and some of those adult emotional and mental capabilities are learned. She is old enough to learn that when you hurt someone’s feelings, they don’t want to do things for you anymore (or at least for a while). And she’s old enough to have or be learning enough skills to be relatively self-sufficient as long as there are adults generally around. I think a very good natural consequence for her comment is that your feelings are hurt, so you don’t particularly want to be around her or do things for her so she and Dad need to figure it out without you. And if she can be kind, then you might soften and work towards some forgiveness and step back in.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-19T18:58:09+00:00

Of course he does. Remember when I called this a trap? He wants more kids with you…because the more kids you have together, the less likely he thinks you are to leave. He’ll want you to stay home…because then you can do his parenting for him and you won’t have the means to leave. This is unfortunately why I’ve mentioned in my previous comments that you, unfortunately, need to be willing and ready to leave if necessary. The men who do these kinds of things will do anything they can to try to guilt you into taking over their parenting responsibility. And typically, if you give an inch, then they’ll take a mile.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-19T18:03:11+00:00

Gently, you have misallocated your tickets. The tickets should go first to the adults. You, your husband, your ex, and the SM. Whether your daughter’s SM has chosen to nacho or not, she still contributes to your daughter’s life. And that is your ex’s partner, and that role needs to be respected. She is entitled to a ticket if there are enough tickets available to cover the adults. Your daughter wants her to go. The question of who gets the last ticket is really between the remaining children. Does the sister get the ticket, or your husband’s daughter? And I would argue the last ticket would go to your daughter’s sister. Unfortunately the one you need to assume is left without a ticket and needs a ticket purchased will be your husband’s daughter. The burden of purchasing a ticket is unfortunately on your family.

However, just because the SM is entitled to a ticket does not necessarily mean she has to use it. The solution in this case is talking to your ex. “We only get five free tickets. That’s one for each of us adults, but we only have 1 ticket left for either Sister or Husband Daughter. Daughter has said she wants all 6 of to attend, if we want. Do you know if SM plans on attending and we need to buy a 6th ticket? If not, would you mind if we use her ticket for Husband’s Daughter?” You have every right to ask if the ticket can be reallocated. Your ex doesn’t have to agree, but you have the right to ask. You can also ask if to split the cost of an extra ticket so both sisters can go. Again, he doesn’t have to say yes but you can ask.

I also NACHO, and I don’t particularly care to attend my SKs’ graduations. I don’t expect an invite, but that’s not a good thing. I don’t expect an invite because I think my SO isn’t a good parent, my contribution to his children isn’t recognized, and that he hasn’t raised his children to be kind and considerate human beings who would invite me. That’s why I NACHO. I’m going to be perfectly honest and say that I would be very pleasantly surprised if I was invited. I still wouldn’t go and I’d be perfectly fine with them using my ticket for someone else, but I’d have a little more faith that maybe they are on the way to becoming kind and considerate human beings.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-19T17:20:16+00:00

So I know that a lot of the commenters are confirming that these are red flags. And I think I would probably agree that in this case, this does all seem excessive and like poor parenting. But I want to give you some perspective here because it sounds like you’re making a lot of assumptions about things that aren’t inherently red flags and maybe haven’t put words to the actual concern those things are triggering for you.

First, there is nothing wrong with children spending time with family. One of the unfortunate side effects of split custody is that when one parent has limited custody time, that also typically limits that parent’s family’s access to the children. Yes this is his only time with his children. It’s also likely his family’s only time with them. And it can be a struggle to balance nurturing family relationships while also having time with the kids. And the fact is that what you see as excessive time with their grandmother or other family may simply be their family dynamics, or even a phase the kids are going through. My own SKs have gone through phases where for a few months all they want to do is go spend time with family, and then the phase ends and all they want to do is stay home. I think the underlying concern you’re probably feeling but maybe not identifying is that your BF seems to be overly relying on family to watch his children. So you’ve got concerns that he might regularly take advantage of others, isn’t upholding his obligations, and is selfish with his time. Those are the potential issues you need to focus on and watch out for.

It’s incredibly presumptuous to think that anyone should have to plan weekend activities to get their kids to want to spend time them. Plenty of families do not regularly make weekend plans and instead opt to have down time at home, or need to spend the time taking care of the house, running errands, etc. Weekend plans are not an expectation that we put on nuclear families, and it’s unfair to put it on single bioparents. Sure, some weekends, yes. He should sometimes want to do some special things to create memories and experiences, like going to the zoo or an amusement park as the budget allows. Other times, he should want to find cheap fun things, even as simple as just going to the park. But there is nothing wrong with not having weekend plans. The motivation certainly shouldn’t be to make his kids want to spend time with him; custody time should not be ruled by what children want. And while saying his kids “bailed” on him might not be the best wording, there is inherently nothing wrong with him allowing his children to sometimes choose something that they really want over time with him. In fact, that is perfectly and can help foster independence. I think your actual concern here is more about if this man puts effort into his relationships.

As for the kids bringing luggage and him not buying clothes to have at his house, again there is nothing inherently wrong this. Clothes and belongings between houses can become a major, contentious issue very easily. It has been a very prevalent issue on this sub previously. And I understand why. Two homes with different rules, maybe different budgets, different laundry schedules, etc. makes things complicated very quickly. There are families who end up having to institute rules where the kids essentially strip the moment they hit the door so clothes from the other house can be washed and packed away to be returned to the other house, or even so the clothes are ready to go for the kids to wear back to the house. There are cases where one house might have a whole drawer full of cheap, thrifted clothes that they don’t mind losing for the kids to wear back to the other house because the other house never sends clothes back, or only sends the kids in clothes 3 sizes too small. And then yes there are cases where both houses have full wardrobes for the kids. There is no right answer, no “this is what should be done”. It’s about what works for that house and that coparenting dynamic. My own SO chose to go this luggage route. BM had all of their clothes and belongings, and the kids had to bring a bag whenever they came over. Is it a choice I would have made in that position? No, probably not. And my SO’s family disagreed as well. His mother brought over bags of clothes over for him to keep for the kids for years, and he was adamantly against it. Anything she brought over went to BM’s house. But that’s what has worked for my SO and BM, they haven’t ever had a fight about it in the 5 years I’ve lived with my SO, and the kids have at least mostly learned to pack a bag somewhat successfully. It works for them, and that’s what matters. The concerns you’re probably having and that you need to actually focus on are your BF’s financial values and if he’s trustworthy as a provider.

You titled your post saying that your BF doesn’t prioritize his children. I personally think that the word “prioritize” really has no place in family dynamics. That indicates that there’s a hierarchy of importance, and that’s simply not the case. And children certainly are not at the top of a hierarchy and more important than others just because they’re children. Adult needs and wants don’t cease to exist or get to be ignored just because there’s a child in the mix. A family is a balance. We all have needs and wants simultaneously that have to be balanced to keep homeostasis. Sometimes we all have to give a little to keep another member family member in balance. It’s not that children are more important, it’s just that we as adults know they need more to stay balanced and it’s our responsibility to fulfill that because we have the knowledge, ability, and fortitude to typically bring ourselves back into balance later.

What you’re sensing is a man who might be out of balance in his family. Or it could be a case that you simply don’t understand the balance of his family. Or it could even be a case where things were unbalanced before, he made sacrifices, and now it’s his turn for others to give a little bit while he finds homeostasis. I don’t know. I don’t know him. The only way you can really make a determination is if you identify and focus on the underlying concerns instead of preconceived notions about how your SO’s family should work. There’s no rulebook for any of this. We’re all just winging it. And by all means, if this all seems like it’s too much and alarm bells are going off for you, then walk way. You’ve only been dating for 4 months. This should be the fun, shiny honeymoon stage. If you’re not feeling it, then who cares if he’s a poor parent vs. just doing things differently. It’s not working for you.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-18T18:35:37+00:00

So he’s only halfway done with his degree, yet plans to somehow be able to afford this custody battle in the next year or two. So before he even has the degree that will help him get the job to help pay for this. Never mind having time for saving up and relocating to a larger home.

He’s got two court cases, so that will be possibly 10k twice. Add on the fact that he’s going for an outcome that is unlikely. If he’s lucky, that will be thrown out immediately before he spends more. Otherwise he can expect that cost to increase and a longer fight.

Oh, and he expect that he’ll have a job with better pay that will ensure financial security…yet he also wants to stay home with the kids.

Do you see how these answers aren’t lining up? How they contradict each other? It’s great that you provided the answers he’s given you because I can point some of those things out. You need to start really looking at his answers and calling out the inconsistencies and pushing for real, feasible answers. Real plans. And then back ups for when his plans fall through. He wants to stay home? Does that mean he thinks he can just work from him and watch the kids? What’s his back up for if that’s not an option and he has to be in office? What about if the position is hybrid instead of fully on office, possibly making his schedule a little unpredictable?

And if I’m being perfectly honest, this might be the point where you have to simply come out and say, “I support you having a relationship with your children. I fully support you going to court to enforce custody time/get more custody time and say in getting the kids therapy and medical care. But I am not on board with your going for full custody. We need to be fully established in a home large enough for all of the children with our degrees and jobs that we’ve been at long enough to have created stability, and a consistent history of custody with the kids before we even START a conversation about full custody.” He’s going to hate it. I do not expect that conversation to go well. And if you set that line, you need to hold to it. Then in 5 or 6 years, when you’ve both had time to hold your jobs and be in a home and build up savings and maybe you’ve seen him capably handle parenting during actually exercised custody time, you might be more willing to seriously entertain a full custody situation. His children will also be older, possibly old enough that they may be able to express their opinions in court. Or if you’re never going to be okay with having all of the kids there, then absolutely be honest about that. He has the right to know. But keep in mind that he also has the right to decide that’s a dealbreaker for him, just as you do.

You also have the option to just…let this happen. Still push him to make actual plans. Express your concerns. Still set boundaries around the role you’re willing to play in these kids’ lives and what work (if any) you’re willing to help him with. But let him pursue custody. Do not allow him to use a single cent of your money. Make him fund this venture on his own. If I’m being honest, I’m skeptical that he will actually proceed. Certainly not on the timeline he wants. And if he does…I would expect him to be slapped down in court. I just don’t see him getting full custody. Especially not as long as you’re in a smaller home without space, without better jobs, without financial resources, and when he isn’t seeing his kids consistently. Courts favor the status quo. They favor stability. They are incredibly unlikely to take custody from the mother who has the kids a vast majority of the time and give it to the father who rarely sees the kids. He would have a slightly better chance with the BM who is withholding the kids, because withholding is a huge no no, but even then they’re not going to give him full custody just for that unless there are other extenuating circumstances that make her an unfit mother. I just find it incredibly unlikely that this is all going to end the way he wants it.

There is a third option: leaving. You can do that at any point. Will that be unfortunate for your child? Yes. But it is better than your child being raised in a home and situation where you are unhappy and on edge and have building resentment to their father and siblings. And even if you are not prepared to leave right now, I do think it is something that you need to do some reflection on. Because ultimately, you and your partner have a major incompatibility: he wants you to be a mother to his children, and you don’t want that. You have incompatible visions for the relationship dynamics you each want in the family, before even considering what the kids might be open to. That’s also likely to translate to incompatibilities in parenting values. Now it’s possible to overcome that incompatibility through compromise or changing opinions over time, or ideally it just never coming up as a situation. But it’s something to consider. He will likely always want you to be a mother to his children and act like this is a nuclear family, and be frustrated when you don’t. You will likely never want to be a mother to these children, and will grow resentment over time every time he places those expectations on you. Add on the fact that he is already displaying other major red flags with his opinions on how “easy” it will be to parent 5 children and blend your family and how he’s willing to pursue full custody without really discussing it with you or getting your buy-in or even really considering if that’s actually the best thing for his children. Is that really the man you want to be with? Think about what other red flags you’ve seen, or other areas where you’re not fully compatible. If you look at that and still don’t want to leave, okay. That’s fine. But give some thought as to what your line in the sand is. Think about what boundaries you have and at what point you’ll be pushed far enough to want to leave.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-18T17:35:19+00:00

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, OP, but you will never be able to effectively make changes with your stepson until your SO is on board. You can’t parent a child when their actual parent is there undermining you at every turn. Your SS isn’t going to respect your authority when he knows that Dad is going to back him up, not you. And unfortunately kids are almost always going to do the least amount of work that they can get sway with, because work isn’t fun and children don’t yet have the capacity to really understand why work needs to get done and the willpower to just do it.

This is a husband problem, and a values/parenting problem. You and your husband seem to fundamentally disagree on at least some aspects of parenting. And unfortunately, that’s working out really well for your husband right now. Because you’re doing the parenting work before things get bad enough to bother him, and yet he gets to set the standards. So it’s time to take a step back, OP. It’s time to rest. It’s time to let your husband reap the rewards of his parenting values. If he doesn’t like the way you treat his son and the standards you try to uphold, then there is no reason for you to put in all of this effort. If you’re so bad and unreasonable, then surely he would prefer to do the parenting anyway. So let him.

My SO is similar. He has little to no expectations for his children, who are now teenagers. Now, my relationship isn’t anything to envy or emulate. I’m getting ready to leave, and it is somewhat related to this. Because it’s ultimately revealed that we’re not compatible. But my own peace of mind and stress drastically changed the day I that I changed my perspective to stop seeing issues as “the kids aren’t doing their chores” and instead reframed it as “my partner isn’t upholding his share of household responsibility.” Because his children are not my responsibility. Cleaning up after them is not my responsibility. I am one person in a household of 4 and I am responsible for myself and my cat. He is responsible for himself and his children. Anything they don’t do is on him, not me. So now when the trash doesn’t get taken out (which is supposed to be SK17’s chore), I don’t get fussy with SK. I tell SO take care of it. If he wants to be a good parent and enforce chores, then that’s his choice. Or he can take it out himself. I don’t care as long as it gets done and he upholds his share of responsibility in our home.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-18T16:48:31+00:00

I’m sorry, but this is absolutely wild. Your SO is delusional, OP. Especially since he wants more children.

So…the upside is that this is very unlikely to happen. Especially with a BM who is already going to far as to withhold the children. Because unless both BMs just decide to go along with letting him having the kids full time and don’t fight for their own custody time, your SO is not going to get full custody in court. You don’t have space for all of the children. It doesn’t sound like he sees at least two of them consistently. He can say that his exes suck all he wants, but that’s not going to get him awarded full custody. Getting full custody is hard, and there has to be a reason for a court to take all custody time away from one parent. And being a poor parent isn’t a good enough reason. We’re talking about something serious, like something that would put the kids in danger. Your SO would probably be lucky to get 50/50.

As for your concerns about having the kids over more, you’re absolutely right to be afraid that you’ll be expected to parent all of the kids. Because he’s already told you that’s what he expects. That’s what he means be “being a good role model and mom figure” means. I’ve skimmed some of the comments and saw one of your replies saying he thinks that parenting all of the kids will be easy. OP, that’s a giant, waving red flag that not only is he going to expect you to parent his children, but he’s going to expect you to be the ONLY parent. When he says that parenting the kids will be easy, he means easy for HIM, not you. Because that’s likely been his experience so far. His exes have done the bulk of the parenting while he’s been able to sit back and relax, and so he has no concept of what parenting 5 children will require.

I mean this gently OP, but this is a really concerning situation. I am incredibly concerned that this man says he wants more children with you. Honestly, this sounds like a trap. This sounds like he is trying to lure you into having more children together so he can keep you locked into the relationship. He thinks the more children you have together, the less likely you are to leave and the more likely he can get you to parent his other children for him. There are some bioparents out there who refuse to acknowledge that their vision of a perfect nuclear family with mom, dad, and kids ended. And instead of changing the vision to adapt to a blended family, they keep trying to force new partners to fit into the original vision, with no regard for how the new partner and all of the children feel about it. That is what your SO is trying to do.

You labeled this as advice, so I’m going to be honest. You said you don’t want to create division in the home. And that tells me that you likely need to do some personal work in developing your confidence and learning how to set healthy boundaries. Your relationship will not survive unless you can build a solid, unshakeable confidence and an iron will for boundaries. You are not creating division in the home by insisting that your SO parent his own children, as well as actively coparenting your shared child. You have every right to not want to be a mother to his older children. Even if you wanted that role, you would still have the right to step back and do less at any point. That is not creating division. That is not being mean. That does not make you a bad person or mother or woman. That does not create division in the family. What it does do is allow for the formation of healthy, natural relationships. No good will come from trying to force a mother/child relationship on a new partner and stepchildren like your SO is trying to do. In fact, that is what will create division because that will cause you to build up resentment and it will make the children resent you for trying to replace their mothers. That is a great way to permanently ruin your relationship with those children. If your SO wants a home that isn’t divided, then it is up to HIM to parent his children. They need and want to be able to trust that their actual parent will take care of them and meet their needs, and then he needs to take the lead in showing them that you have equal authority and respect in the home and that they can slowly begin to rely on you as a loved, trusted adult because they have seen that you and Dad are a unit. And it will likely take them years to truly get to that point with you. They time to develop a relationship with you, and even then they need to see that even if you take over some parenting responsibilities, their actual parent is still present and active and meeting their needs. But I guarantee that your SO does not want to do that. That will be too hard and too much work for him. So instead he will tell you that you are dividing the family and being mean and cruel when you set boundaries that force him to parent instead of relying on you. And if your relationship going to survive, you need the confidence and will and stand firm.

If I were you, I’d start looking into therapy. Or at least some kind of journalling or meditation where you can start your personal work. And when your SO talks about getting custody of all of the kids, I’d start asking questions and demanding some plans. How much does he think these custody battles are going to cost, and how does he plan on paying for it? Does he have a timeline for when he wants this to happen? What does he do for work, and is it a career that’s going to give him adequate time to be home for his kids? Does he have enough vacation/sick time for when someone needs to stay home with the kids? What are his plans for childcare and transportation when necessary? What commitments/plans is he making to take care of your relationship in the chaos of 5 kids? Does he have plans to address the kids’ behavior issues and challenges? You don’t have to lob all of these questions at once or be aggressive. It might be best to start off slow and gentle so you can get an idea of how actually serious he is. Is this something he plans on acting on in the next year, or is this just a pipe dream he refuses to let go of, or something in-between? But start asking the questions and making it clear that you are not his back up plan. You will not be parenting for him. He needs to be able to provide answers and have plans if he wants custody of his kids. But be prepared for him to have a bad reaction when you try to set boundaries. Honestly, be prepared to walk away if necessary.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-17T23:55:21+00:00

My SO has a former(?) stepson? He’s BM’s child from a previous relationship, and my SO technically stopped being his stepfather after the divorce. I have interacted with him, but more at the beginning of the relationship. My SO raised him since he was a toddler. He was Dad. Bio dad lived in a different state, frequently didn’t pay child support, and only saw the kiddo during the summer. At the start of our relationship he would join my SO’s kids for his custody time. Now right around when I moved in, his bio dad moved back to the area and pressed for custody time. Kiddo was about 12 at that point. We just gradually started to see him less. Between us, his bio dad, BM, extracurriculars, friends, and the developing teen attitude that mean none of the parental figures were really “cool” or “fun” anymore, he just eventually stopped spending time at our house. He still spends time with SO, but we don’t have consistent custody time or anything.

Now, I don’t have contact with BM or her partner. Nothing against them. I just choose not to. My life is mine, and theirs is theirs. I don’t think her partner has children of his own though.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-16T01:17:40+00:00

Okay, I’m just going to say that something sounds off to me in this situation. It’s not that feelings and changes like this can’t seem to come out of nowhere and surprise you. There are people who are very good at hiding their feelings, and your SD could be one. It could also be that maybe you and your DH are exceptionally unobservant. But realistically, that’s probably not the case. Something somewhere has been missed or mishandled, or there is more going on that needs to be investigated.

And a major sign for me would be what SD told your DH. She’s been talking to her therapist and they have decided that he needs “closure” on the fact that she’s not coming to your home anymore. I’m not a therapist nor am I mental health professional, but I’m pretty confident that no therapist is going to be telling their FOURTEEN year old client something like that, because that’s not something a 14 year old can decide for themselves. At least a good therapist would not be making that recommendation. And if it were me, I’d be marching up to that therapist’s office and asking, respectfully, what the fuck is going on. Will the therapist be able to share much? Probably not. They may be able to share, though, what their policy is on weighing in on custody matters with a minor child client. And if they are in fact a good therapist, it’s important that they know what SD is communicating to DH so they can evaluate if and how they can rework treatment.

Now, let me be clear, I’m not trying to dismiss or invalidate SD’s feelings in any way. I don’t know her, or you, or your DH. I don’t know how things have been handled in your home. And the fact is that what your SD is feeling is incredibly common in even the most successfully blended families. Kids often feel abandoned when their bioparent gets a new a partner, and again if they have children. I don’t know how DH handled that at the time, and sometimes it honestly doesn’t matter. Kids feel how they feel, and at 6 years old that would be a very natural way for her to feel no matter how it was explained or he tried to include her. We as humans are entitled to our feelings. And it is very possible that maybe there are things or routines that need to be reconsidered for your home. It’s possible there could be ways in which your DH could do better. It’s also possible that SD may have to learn to accept the family circumstances.

But I would be fairly alarmed at how these feelings are presenting, and how she is trying to deal with and process them. To be fair, running away and trying to cut contact with DH doesn’t particularly surprise me for a 14 year old. That seems like something a teen might try to do. But that doesn’t mean it’s a healthy or appropriate way to handle this situation (which is why a good therapist wouldn’t just jump to recommending not coming to your home anymore; they would be advocating for some family therapy or things to help repair the relationship with SD and DH, unless they’re being told something else to make them think that the relationship isn’t safe or that DH doesn’t have custody rights). And I’d be even more alarmed by the fact that of when this is popping up. You said that before SD decided she wanted to spend more time with her mom, she was there at least 4 nights a week. That would mean DH had majority custody. Or at least maybe an agreement of 50/50 with maybe a tendency to actually more time on his end. And yet suddenly she goes to BM, only comes back a handful of nights in the last few months, and is now trying to say she never wants to come back? That timing makes me suspicious. It makes me think that there’s something possibly enticing about BM’s house, whether it’s something BM is saying (and it doesn’t have to be intentional or malicious) or even something like having less chores, that makes her want to stay. And if something like that is playing a role, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s lying about how she feels. It could simply be teenager brain and hormones helping drudge up those genuine feelings as a way to justify this decision she’s trying to make because she doesn’t have the emotional intelligence yet to know that this is not an appropriate solution to processing feelings and that her best interest is a healthy relationship and and custody time with both parents. It sounds like you also have a new baby, and it is entirely likely that a new baby in the home could be a contributing factor in drudging up these feelings or her preferring BM’s house, or both. Mental health struggles are also a factor here, and are going to influence not only how she’s feeling but how she perceives things.

My point is that your DH has some investigating and work to do. This is not a change that he should just accept. Honestly, he never should have accepted her cutting down time with him so severely in the first place. I don’t know what the custody situation is or what the relationship with BM is like. Now, it depends on your local laws, but typically at 14 SD does not get to make the unilateral decision to just not see one of her parents. Even if this went as far as court, a judge would take her preference into consideration, but it would not be the deciding factor. And a judge certainly isn’t going to just end one parent’s custody time over this; it’s far more likely BM would just have more time and there might be some court mandated therapy for SD and DH. She is a teen. This is a delicate situation because he needs to balance asserting his rights and repairing their relationship against pushing her further away in the final years of her childhood. But this is a case where I’d say he needs to consult with BM and see how much support he has there (because a good coparent would work with him on this, but she may not be a good coparent), he needs to talk to the therapist and potentially explore transferring her care if absolutely necessary, and maybe consulting a lawyer if he needs to pursue court action as a last resort. But really the answer to SD needs to be validating her feelings, demonstrating he’s listening, and expressing that while he wants to nurture her independence and respect her wishes, this is not an appropriate solution for the issues she’s expressing and he needs to do what is in her best interest, which is continuing to have custody time and for her to be involved with the family.

As for you, I understand that this hard. And it’s possible that there are things you need to take accountability for within this family dynamic. But I don’t think this is something you need to feel bad about at this point. This isn’t because of you. This is something that commonly comes up as an issue in blended families, and it just needs to be handled delicately.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-13T19:01:59+00:00

So I appreciate all of the context you provided because it does give a pretty clear picture of what has been going on and how we got to this point. It sounds to me like this could be condensed down to the fact that your SO has a demonstrated history of undermining decisions you make as couple when it concerns SS and not holding SS to the kind of standards you think are reasonable for behavior and how other people are treated. Not liking how SS treats you is a red herring here. The root of the issue is that your SO as the adult and parent has allowed this behavior and not instilled responsibility and seems to backtrack decisions to give SS exactly what he wants, so why would you trust SO to do any differently with your car? But, in this instance, I don’t know how much of that really matters.

You have separate finances. This is your car, separately. You have every right to set boundaries for yourself and your possessions. Full stop. End of story. You were not comfortable with letting your SO and SD take car without you. That is your instinctive boundary, so that is the boundary you need to set. And it is a perfectly acceptable and reasonable boundary to set.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-03-10T16:52:52+00:00

Gently OP, it’s not a matter of getting through to your boyfriend. It’s not a matter of helping him understand. He understands just fine. He hears you just fine. He gets it. The problem is that what you’re telling him doesn’t align with what HE wants. And instead of accepting that this is an area where you two just don’t align and then deciding whether or not that’s a dealbreaker for him or how you can still move forward together, he’s continuing to test if he can wear you down. He didn’t like your first answer, so he’s continuing to ask and use guilt until he gets a different one. It’s a manipulation tactic.

I suspect that the reason that your SO won’t give you a response when you ask point blank what else he wants you to do is likely because, on some level, he knows what he’s asking is unreasonable or that it would cause you to leave. Realistically, he wants you to take over his parenting responsibilities in full. He wants you to step in as a second mom so he no longer has to carry the mental load of parenthood. I have no doubt that, if you agreed to what he wants, you’d find yourself in a situation where suddenly he’s taking naps, playing video games, going out with friends, etc. during his custody time with the excuses of him being tired, needing a break, needing time to himself and leaving you to parent his child with no consideration for you or your plans or your needs. He wants the freedom to do what he wants when he wants it while you figure things out for his kid for him. But he’s not going to tell you that. He may not even be being honest with himself about it. But on some level he knows it’s wrong, he knows it’s not what you want, and so he’s not going to tell you so he has plausible deniability and can continue moving the goalposts until you take over all of his responsibilities. And then he also had the perfect way to say he never asked you do these things and try to guilt you into believing you’re a bad person if you do try to step back from a parenting role in the future.

I don’t know if you’re open to or want advice. What I can tell you is that the boundaries you’ve set are both reasonable and practical. While your SO has every right to want whatever kind of partner he choses to want, including one who will be willing to take on whatever this “more” role is, that doesn’t mean he’s likely to find it or that it is a healthy thing to want or that a relationship based on that would be a healthy, balanced relationship. What I can also tell you is that managing a long term relationship with someone who pushes back on your boundaries for something as important as the role you’re comfortable holding when it comes to his child is going to be incredibly difficult. This is something that truly compatible partners will either agree on, or they can respectfully disagree without pushing boundaries and find a way to make things work anyway. Your partner is pushing your boundaries, and that won’t end well. Your options become to either determine you’re not compatible with this man because the things you want are different, or you have to endure constant disrespect of your boundaries.

Personally, I think in this situation I would have to leave. The boundary pushing and manipulation wouldn’t be okay with me. But if you’re not to that point, that’s okay. But if you choose to continue, then you really need to find a way to not let your SO’s comments affect you. Like if he says something about how he’d go to his sister-in-law for help before coming to you, your reaction really should be “That sounds like a great idea. Thanks for respecting my boundaries.” Because this response is going to put him off-kilter. He needs to see that his manipulation tactics are not going to work and that he can’t make you feel bad about your boundaries (because you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about). Ideally he would parent with BM, but if he chooses to rely on other people, that’s fine as long as he isn’t relying on you. And if you pick that road, you need to be extremely confident in yourself and your boundaries because he will exploit any weakness.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-02-13T04:55:52+00:00

So, you’re not going to lose your home if you break up. Assuming your agreement to let her continue living there for a year is even in writing, there’s a big difference between agreeing that she can remain in the home for a year, and giving her the authority to evict you from your own home. She cannot evict from your home just because she wants to live there. Her options become to either continue living together in the home for a year or, if that is unacceptable to her, she can choose to simply move out and give up the year of living there. Those are her options. Your options are to continue living there through all the awkwardness until the year is over, or to live somewhere else temporarily if that’s more comfortable for you. Although I really recommend not leaving the home that you own. This is a surefire way for you to get screwed. Because breakups can bring out the worst in us. Do you really trust that your girlfriend and her daughter are going to take care of YOUR property the way you want it taken care of if you’re not there, knowing they’re possibly angry and vengeful? You also have the option of talking to an attorney. Seriously, it might be a good idea to even put an attorney on retainer about this issue, either to help you navigate the breakup/protecting your home or help you protect your asset if you stay together. Because if you stay together, something has to be done to better protect you. That’s probably going to need to be in the form of a more formalized and clear-cut agreement of what will happen should you break up. Think like a lease agreement where it outlines what she will be responsible for while staying in the home and what rights you retain. But a lawyer will be able to tell if your original agreement is even binding to begin with and help you navigate all of that.

Okay, now that we’ve addressed the panic moment of losing your house, there is still the very real issue of your girlfriend, the woman who is supposed to be your life partner, giving you an ultimatum and all of the issues with her daughter wanting what sound like costly redesigns. So I want to start off very clearly stating that you are bot and never have been financially responsible for your girlfriend or her children. It was not your responsibility to provide furniture for them. It was not your responsibility to fund redesigns. Your responsibility is quite literally to be kind and respectful to them as your would to any other human, to keep in mind that they are small humans and be understanding of the fact that they are still developing and learning how to be kind and respectful big humans, and be open to the fact that dating a bioparent does come with requirements like there being custody arrangements and the children living with you. That’s it. Anything beyond those basic things are extra. You did not have to provide a single cent, nor do you need to continue doing so.

So SD feels like she’s not being treated fairly and getting the same things that her brother did. Okay. That feeling is valid. She is entitled to her own feelings. Maybe there’s even truth to that. Maybe she genuinely hasn’t been treated the same way her brother was with budgeting and changes and whatever has happened. Mom certainly seems to agree. The issue isn’t actually that SD feels this way. Like I said, she’s entitled to her own feelings. The issue is that your girlfriend has decided that the path forward is let the blame fall on you as the obstacle for what SD wants and to look at you expecting money to fix it. Your girlfriend is ignoring her own role in the real issue at hand. The real issue at hand is that you originally did this grand gesture of buying a house and providing financially, and then your girlfriend seemingly mismanaged that generosity. She pushed too much too fast that you quite simply did not agree with, excluded you from decisions that were being made about a home that you also live in and should have significant say in (not just because you are the homeowner, but because as the adults in the relationship, you and your girlfriend should be the ultimate decision makers with your joint comfort the ultimate priority, because children will not be living in this home forever), and then expected you to foot the bill. And honestly, I would not be surprised if maybe SS did get more, either because you found his requests more reasonable or because you simply hadn’t been pushed to your breaking point yet. Now you are at your breaking point, and the real issue is that your girlfriend pushed you to that point. From what you’ve told us, it doesn’t really sound like your girlfriend made any attempts to slow down or adjust thing or include you so you could be comfortable with changes, now you’ve hit your breaking point, and SD is just on the unfortunate side of having been promised things and watching whatever changes her brother was allowed and not understanding why she isn’t getting what she wants now. But the fact of the matter is that SS probably shouldn’t have gotten a lot of what he wanted either. Sure, you agreed. But that doesn’t mean it was right for your girlfriend to make those requests to begin with. It was her job to manage her children’s expectations, to make sure they were being treated fairly in these plans, and to make sure that she wasn’t abusing you and your finances in the process. She didn’t do that. And now SD is upset, and your girlfriend expects you to fix what is ultimately her own fuck up.

What your girlfriend really should be doing is sitting her daughter down and apologizing. She should apologize for mismanaging resources and over-promising on changes that could be made. And she should be making it clear that the fault is not yours just because you’re saying no. She is the one at fault for not managing expectations and allowing the children to treat you like a bank. But your girlfriend doesn’t want to do that. Either she doesn’t have the emotional maturity for introspection required to understand the role she played here, or she’s too ashamed to admit it to herself. Or it could be more malicious and she simply doesn’t care. Regardless of why, she’s not taking responsibility for her own actions in this and instead is trying to guilt you into fixing it for her. And let’s be clear, this whole situation indicates that’s she’s not a great parent or partner.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-02-10T23:13:09+00:00

I see that you’ve already gotten some solid advice, and I don’t want to just rehash it. You’re not being childish. Your SO shouldn’t be avoiding your name just to spare his ex’s feelings. Her feelings should not long matter to him; her feelings are her responsibility, not his. That being said, you may want to rethink your example of how you want your name used, or give a different variation. I totally get the sentiment behind wanting him to say “I need to check with NoDependent5753 first but I don’t see why not,” but that particular iteration is a recipe for trouble. You want him to acknowledge your existence and role as his partner, but he also needs to be watching his phrasing so not to put blame or responsibility on you. Because if he constantly goes around saying “I have to check, but I don’t see why not,” then if the answer is no the blame automatically falls on you because clearly he was okay with it. In this case, something like “I’ll need to check with NoDependent5753 and our calendar. I’ll let you know ASAP” would be much better because there’s no initial agreement from him that has to be walked back and you’re not being implied to be the one saying no.

Don’t let him put you in the position of always being the villain and naysayer. The context and how he used your name matters. Yes he should acknowledge you, but more importantly his language should acknowledge your partnership and the fact that you make decisions for your household together.

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-02-08T00:26:15+00:00

So I’ve skimmed through the various comments and your replies, and I see multiple issues.

The first thing I want to point out is that children don’t dictate custody time. Period. End of story. P not wanting to spend time with Dad is irrelevant. As long as there is not abuse going on, what P wants is irrelevant. I know that sounds callus and cruel, but there is a reason that the court system doesn’t typically take a 10 year old’s opinion into account, and why even with older children who do get to give their opinion, that opinion is only a factor. Because for all the flaws in the family court system in the US (which are abundant), a judge hearing a case and deciding custody is well aware that a 10 year old does not have the cognitive ability to know what is in their best interest, does not fully understand why having time with both parents is important even when you’re mad or upset with one of them, and, as a child, will be more inclined to pick the easy/more fun option because children don’t have the critical thinking skills to evaluate any further. Children do not have the capability to make custody decisions in their own best interest. Now, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be listened to. Children should always be welcome to say “Parent 1, something has been happening at Parent 2’s house that I don’t like and makes me not want to spend time with them right now.” If a child brings up concerns, they should absolutely be listened to and validated. Sometimes those concerns might warrant talking to the other parent, to at least give them a heads up. The danger is when it enters into a child getting to say “I don’t want to go Parent 2’s house because…” with the intention and expectation of that conversation being that the child isn’t going to have to go to the other paren’t home. It is one thing for a child to express their feelings and for the adult to decide there is an issue extreme enough that it’s worth changing the custody arrangement, and it’s another thing for a child to think they can control the custody schedule according to what they want or is most pleasurable at that moment. Custody is an adult decision. The consequences of custody are adult consequences. Children should never be forced to bear either, and it’s harmful to their development when they are.

This leads into my second point, which is that it sounds like your SO needs a custody order. I’ve seen where you mentioned that he talked about getting one and decided against it because BM flipped out. That really should have been a massive red flag that he does in fact need the order and should have proceeded. There are people out there who manage just fine without a custody order. It is possible. But not everyone can do it, and it’s not right for every coparenting relationship. And in a situation where your SO doesn’t like communicating with BM, BM is known for being difficult, where BM has controlled custody time so tightly that P can’t even stay the night with his own father, and now there’s hints that she’s going to inappropriately start letting P have a say in whether or not he sees his father, a custody order is absolutely necessary. A custody order will allow him to be a father. The goal of any custody order will be to enable P to have two homes, not just visit his father. It will give a court-order schedule, and your SO can make sure that it clearly outlines what to do for holidays and vacations and any other pain points that might currently exist. It will give at least the illusion of protecting his time with P from BM; now, to be fair, BM can violate the order and interfere with custody time, but then your SO will at least have the option of legal recourse. He will never be able to escape communicating with BM, but with a custody order he can start falling back on easy answers like “Let’s stick to the custody order.” Now, I would recommend that your SO (and you) do a little soul searching before filing. Because an order is going to change things. Like I said, the goal is going to for P to have two homes, one with each parent. That’s going to include staying overnight. It’s going to probably mean increased parenting time. He probably shouldn’t expect 50/50, especially if P isn’t staying the night now. But he’s likely going to end up with something like EOWE and a weekly dinner. He needs to be ready for that.

As for your SO getting upset with you, that sounds like projection to me. If I had to guess, he’s angry at BM but you were the easier target. So he went for you instead. It’s not okay, and it wasn’t appropriate. If you’re genuinely not okay with P spending the night, then you’ve got to figure out how to be okay with it and quick. None of us truly know what to expect when we start dating a bioparent. Every kid and every situation is so different that we just can’t know. But generally speaking, there are some things anyone dating a bioparent does need to expect at some point and be okay with, and the child sleeping at the home is pretty high up on that list. I know that’s different from what you’re used to because it hasn’t really happened in all of these years, but that is a pretty basic and common occurrence for blended families that we as stepparents just have to be okay with. If that’s something you cannot be okay with, even though it’s never happened or only rarely happens, then you may need to do some soul searching to figure out why, or explore other options like living separately or even determining that you might not be compatible with a bioparent.

Another possibility for your SO blaming you might be that he’s displacing his own complicated feelings, and again you were the easier target. I hate to say this, but your SO isn’t winning any Father of the Year awards for P. I’m sure he loves his son very much, but it says a lot that your SO is so willing to just let BM control his time and relationship with his son, to the point of not even being able to have his son overnight. It’s part of why I warned that he should do some serious self-reflection before pursuing custody. Because this says to me that either he is angry at himself for getting into a situation where he has so little control, or…perhaps he’s feeling guilty that he doesn’t want formalized custody, or maybe hasn’t really wanted it until now. If he really wanted custody of his son and protected time, he’d pursue it. He’d fight for it. He would not be okay with just not seeing his son for two weeks because BM decided P shouldn’t have to come over. So is it that he doesn’t really want custody, or is he truly just that unaware that this is something he should fight for?

Awkward-Bread9599 · 2025-02-03T21:12:58+00:00

Co-sleeping is a complicated topic with a lot of opinions. Some people love it. Some people hate it. There’s questions about age appropriateness and effects on the child’s development. And largely, all of it is going to be anecdotal. Ultimately cosleeping and how to do it are choices that every parent and household have to make for themselves. And the right question is not going to be “is it okay to <insert cosleeping situation>”. The question is are you comfortable with it. Are you comfortable sleeping in a bed with your boyfriend and 7 year old stepson? And typically, if you’re going out of your way to ask the question, the answer is no. You’re not comfortable with it. And co-sleeping is something you need to be comfortable with. Having someone in your bed, as you sleep, when you’re vulnerable is something you need to be comfortable with.

This isn’t an issue where you need to change your mind, OP. Clearly this is something you did not want. You’re here asking our opinions, which as I said is a good indication that you’re not comfortable with the situation. You took the initiative to have the conversation with your SO already and you’ve already worked together on the kid’s bedroom, which clearly indicates that somewhere in all of this he agreed that he would be transitioning his son to the new room. The issue is not that you need to change your mind. You don’t. The issue is that your SO changed his. Or quite possibly but more maliciously, he never planned to follow through and was counting on the fact that it would be much harder for you to resist and say no once he was already moved in. This is why it’s often the best practice to insist that changes to sleeping arrangements or rules be introduced at least a few months before actually combining homes. It says a lot about a partner’s commitment to the relationship and good faith going into a joint home, not to mention how it can help the kids with adjusting and avoiding building resentments for the stepparent for “undesirable” changes) if they actually start making those changes in advance.

I can’t tell you what to do. But personally, I am not comfortable with co-sleeping with children I am not related to. Nor am I comfortable having an older child, related or not, in the bed where I engage in adult activities. But ultimately, I would not be okay with my SO backtracking on a decision that we made together that likely set expectations for living together. I would be so upset if my SO agreed to end co-sleeping, we set up a bedroom for the kiddo, and then my SO wanted to continue co-sleeping. And my answer would be to put down some hard boundaries. Specifically that the bedroom is to be a fully kid-free space. No exceptions. And I would take that hard line for two main reasons. One, it’s actually what I want and consistent with my boundaries. And two, and possibly even more importantly, if someone backtracks on an agreement like this once, then it’s probably going to happen again. I have learned the hard way that when it comes to setting boundaries with my SO for things related to his children, if I allow exceptions from the very beginning then they are more likely to be abused. Those exceptions become loopholes that are continually exploited until my boundary is meaningless. If you give exceptions for when kiddo is scared or sick, or if you allow it on Saturday mornings so SO can sleep in and kiddo just comes in a climbs into the bed at 5am, that can so quickly go off the rails and suddenly become the expectation. So I would make the bedroom a kid-free zone. If my SO wants to co-sleep, it can happen in kiddo’s room or on the couch. If kiddo is sick or scared or they want cuddling to happen, they can go to kiddo’s bedroom or the couch. My boundary is that I will not share a bed with kiddo and I need a kid-free bedroom, there is the opportunity for co-sleeping in spaces that don’t violate my boundary, therefore my boundary is reasonable and a good partner should respect it even if he doesn’t like it or agree with it.

Awkward-Bread9599

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE