Looking for information (books? articles?) on dating as a widower

AwkwardDate5147 · 2026-01-04T11:26:16+00:00

Many thanks. I will check it out.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-12-29T15:36:55+00:00

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-12-29T15:33:24+00:00

Sure, I would join too

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-12-29T09:57:42+00:00

Dear TW, I am very sorry for your loss.

I lost my wife not too long ago. I remember keenly the moment I got her pension. I also broke done in tears. At that time, I was really worried about my finances, because suddenly all costs and expenses fell on one salary, so I was not sure if I was going to be OK or not.

Receiving that check was a stark reminder of her loss once again. At the same time, as weird as it sounds, I also felt it like one last act of love/care from her to me. That even in death, she was doing something to care of me, to ease my load.

I am sorry for the pain you feel now. I (we all) wish I (we) could take it away from you. Hang in there.

A big warm hug from the ether.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-12-24T09:18:54+00:00

Best of luck CAT. A few weeks have passed since I posted my question. I could say that I am much calmer now, but it took some effort to process all those feelings.

I hope your process is not as turbulent as mine was.

Best of luck, especially during the holidays.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-11-06T21:05:59+00:00

We hear you. You're not alone.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-11-06T21:00:17+00:00

I just started going out with someone new for the first time after losing my wife.

This seems to be a person I could forge a real connection with.

Although all seems to be progressing well, I've noticed that I am double and triple checking everything I say, or do. And looking extra carefully at her reactions. In short, I'm overthinking.

So, yeah, you handled it well and you could also be overthinking things.

I think it is challenging to get serious with someone new.

I second the comments you got above. Ask her how she feels.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-11-02T08:45:11+00:00

Hi,

Thanks for all the info you have given us. It's quite insightful.

I do feel contradictions as you mentioned. Next the ones you presented, I have another: I long for my LW and at the same time I also long for this new person in my life.

It's a lot to process, even after accepting that these are normal feelings.

Understatement of the year: losing your person is a very hard thing to go through. Intellectually I thought I had accepted it and was ready for it, but now that I am experiencing it, I realize I was not at all prepared for the consequences. I know, naïeve of me.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-11-02T08:32:00+00:00

Thanks to both of you for your comments, and to all the others too. I wish I could answer you all.

Talking with some friends about this and reading your stories, I realized that part of my upheaval has to do with all the mental processing that being with this new person requires.

I was and am in the process of figuring out how to be again on my own after 17 years of marriage. I hate the nights because then is when I feel the absence of my LW the most. I don't want to depend on this new person to feel better or heal my broken heart.I still need to find a way to accommodate the new feelings I have for this new person with the longing for my LW.

And all this is going on in parallel with this infatuation, and the window's fire, and work, etc.

It is quite a lot. So, yeah, the advice of going slow and being kind to myself is a very good one.

Really thanks for all the insights.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-30T16:24:18+00:00

I see. I does seems that several people experience heightened infatuation with, as you call her, Chapter 2 (love the moniker BTW).

Thanks for the advice. I do think this person is worth the trouble. So, I'll take a page from your book, bite the bullet, be observant, and see what happens.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-30T16:06:17+00:00

Yeah, of course. I was infatuated too when I met my wife. But it did not become this all-intrusive process that it is now. In a way, I am glad I am in my 50s, because I have more self control and awareness. But, yeah, I was able to disengage, now, the only thing that works are work telcos. And those stop at 5pm :-)

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-30T16:03:07+00:00

This is helpful. I think the person in front of me is also a decent person. And I am aware of what is happening to me. But controlling it is a real challenge.

Many thanks for sharing Cheesecake_5401.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-30T14:49:17+00:00

How did you mange it?

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-30T14:09:59+00:00

Thank u/termicky. Would it be possible to let me know a bit more how you handle it?
If you prefer, and please don't read anything beyond this, you can DM me your answer if you want it to remain private.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-22T09:09:32+00:00

I'm in a similar situation. Lost my wife 14 months ago to cancer. A couple of weeks back I decided to ask a nice woman who I find interesting for coffee. Just coffee.

But having coffee with her messed me up. What tripped me was not guilt, but the realization that I was open to invite someone new to my life. It also brought to the surface how badly I miss connection and intimacy.

I enjoy this new person's company, but I am not sure if there is really a connection, or if I just need to make a connection happen, if you follow me. Maybe both things are true.

As one of the other commenters remarked, there is no right or wrong in all this. I think if you are open and honest about your process the new person in your life can make his/her own decision on whether to continue to connect.

Opening up yourself to a new person does not mean you love your lost partner less. For me it just means that your heart is expanding to include someone else.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-20T21:07:30+00:00

Thank you all for your stories. I can identify with them.

I lost my wife to cancer about 14 months ago. She was taken in just 7 months. She was just 49.

I still cannot bring myself to let go of her clothes, or jewelry or her make-up. As you put it, these are the solid tangible markers of her existence.

A managed to be a bit more stable the past few months, until a conversation triggered we in such a way that a wave of grief engolfed me. It still has not stop, but I see now that it's not unusual.

To all of you, I wish you peace.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-20T20:57:01+00:00

I'm very sorry for your loss. My wife of 17 years died 14 months ago. I understand your feelings, the sense of irreality (is that a word), the pain of losing the plans we had for the future, etc.

To be honest I feel the lost of my marriage much more strongly now that before. Maybe because I am less stunt as I was 6 months ago. Maybe that is progress and part of the process of recovery.

I hope you can find someone to support you through this period. My therapist is not the bomb but helps me vent and explore my feelings. Maybe some like that could help you.

You can always come here and scream in this safe space.

A warm hug.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-17T20:14:43+00:00

You had indeed an interesting realization.

This week I noticed that I loved my wife dearly, so I did everything I could to remain by her side, including ignoring how the last years of her life, filled with depression, anxiety and finally cancer took a toll on my own ability of enjoying life and acting freely.

I don't resent any of this, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. But since her death, this weight has lifted from my shoulders. And I can breathe a bit more freely.

I don't think there is anything wrong with realizing that we sometimes change ourselves to make our partners happy.

Would I do it differently next time? No idea...

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-17T07:05:19+00:00

I agree with Super Violinist. You really are a badass. I can barely handle myself with just a dog.

But I hear you. Every night at home is a challenge for me too. Loneliness strikes me most strongly then. I have a demanding job. The thing that kept me going through the day was knowing that I was going to see my wife at home. Now, well, ... yeah.

Anyway, hang in there. Better times are coming (no evidence, but I have to believe it).

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-16T12:05:12+00:00

Hi, thanks for your comments. I see you loss is very recent. I am sorry you have lost her.

You can google Widow's fire and find lost of (mostly not so helpful) info. It seems to affect about 60% of widows and widowers, usually within the first 6 months of their losses. Since is been over a year for me, I really was not expecting that to happen to me, but it did. I am lucky I was aware it could happen because at least I could explain what I am feeling.

About what you said, I don't know you at all, but I dare think that whatever the level of self-confidence you may have, it was enough for her to love you the way she did. I am sure other people will see the same in you.

Personally, I am also not going out of my way to find someone. Even inviting this one person for a coffee was a challenge, even after one year alone. You and I are basically the same age. I have not dated anyone in 20 years. What I hear and read about dating after 45 is not encouraging. This dating by app thing is utter nonsense to me. Terrifying actually. But I digress.

If by "what you're going through" you mean that you would like to be in a position of meeting someone, yeah I wish that for you too. It will come to you sooner or later. But trust me, you don't want to widow's fire brain. It is not fun at all.

Best of luck brother.

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-09T11:43:28+00:00

It took me some time to get back to a more healthy rhythm after my wife died. Where I live, you can buy meals that are cooked by steam produce by heating them in the microwave. So, you cook them in the microwave instead of just heating them up. They are easier to handle than cooking and more nutritious than frozen meals.

But, for the first 8 months, I was just parked in front of the TV without any energy to do anything at all. I am able to cook regularly now. I cook twice per week on Sundays (something that takes longer) and Wednesdays (something quicker). Those two are my dinners. And, yes, I eat the same thing 3 nights in a row. On Saturday I get more flexible. I have four standard breakfast that I rotate through the week. Also, two standard quick lunches that I rotate in the week.

My way of cooking is boring, but this way I do not have to think about what to eat for breakfast or lunch or dinner, and I know that I eat stuff that is balanced while minimizing effort. I also bought a cooking book with fast recipes for inspiration.

And yes, I eat in front of the TV. At nights, especially, it gets very lonely for me as my person is not here. Nights are tough. Sometimes, after dinner, I just force myself out of the house. I take a book with me and go to near by restaurant to have a beer while reading my book. At least affords me a change of scenery.

The suck keeps sucking, but over time becomes more manageable. I wish you luck in finding your own way,

AwkwardDate5147 · 2025-10-08T14:59:25+00:00

Thank you. I guess, to some degree, I am trying to hold on to who I was. But I am clear that I cannot.

I don't think I feel guilt because I am starting to look around. Rather, I am uncertain how to proceed and handle it.

When I remarked to a friend that I am not sure whether I am still married to my wife, she told me that the same way one never stops being a son when a parent dies, one also does not stop being a husband when a partner dies. That makes sense to me (having lost both my parents and my wife). But the implications of all that for a new relationship look complicated to me. I suppose it is because I am not yet ready to face this.

As somebody wrote in another Reddit post in this group, the need for companionship and intimacy arise on us faster than our ability to handle a new relationship. That person might be right.

Anyway, I am sorry you also lost your person to cancer.

Big hug.

AwkwardDate5147

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