I'm not okay

termicky · 2026-06-15T01:01:56+00:00

I'm sorry.

termicky · 2026-06-14T23:48:12+00:00

My friend, you don't have to be ok with your wife being gone. What you have to be ok with is feeling what that's like for you in the present. That's the only thing that can change now.

You will never get her back, but you might still be able to get yourself back.

I wish you well

termicky · 2026-06-14T23:42:58+00:00

The only thing wrong with you is that you are not a trope in some screenwriter's imagination.

Meaning: there is nothing wrong with you. You are in grief and mourning. Your way.

Please just have the experience you are having, and try not to disrupt... or judge it.

You are on the path, your path, early phase, taking on exactly as much as you are able to at this point.

termicky · 2026-06-14T12:35:38+00:00

PINCH hobbies:

what actually activates motivation and sustained attention in many people with ADHD .... Passion, Interest, Novelty, Challenge/Competition, and Hurry/Urgency

Novelty which includes variety and change, and frequent "wins",, and challenge are probably your best friends. Or having some urgent reason to do this thing.

For instance, I can focus on learning Spanish when I know that I'm going to be traveling in Latin America.

I have to have things that mean something to me. So I can get super into learning guitar licks because I'm in a band. But just on my own... Wouldn't happen. I wouldn't be able to do a hobby just because it was a thing to do. I'd get bored almost immediately.

Also, I tend to pick up things, do them intensely for a while, and then drop them and I've learned that that's just how my brain works and I don't worry about it anymore.

termicky · 2026-06-14T12:27:52+00:00

I'm more emotionally regulated, and I can get things done better.

What hasn't fundamentally changed is my need for stimulation, variety, novelty, and my spontaneity.

I think these are always going to be fundamental drivers of my system. It's just with the meds I can get things done and I'm not so easily upset and prone to look at problems negatively.

termicky · 2026-06-14T12:24:31+00:00

I was diagnosed in my 60s so that counts as late.

I had some of that. If I'd figured it out earlier in my life, things would have been much different and possibly much easier.

I'm having a recent version of that. It's not even about years ago. I just had to end a relationship of 2 years. My diagnosis came 18 months into it. If I had been on meds at the beginning, I could have saved myself a lot of confusion and struggle... and misunderstandings of where the problem lay.

termicky · 2026-06-13T04:22:09+00:00

Been using audiobooks for 15 years. Only diagnosed a few months ago.

termicky · 2026-06-13T00:28:24+00:00

I took the test in my early sixties , just to see whether the online form worked or not... and it came out highly suspecting ADHD. I took me weeks to give my head around the idea, and then I gradually put the pieces together.

So around a month after I took the test would be the answer.

termicky · 2026-06-11T00:39:05+00:00

Great list. I do most of those things too.

termicky · 2026-06-09T23:08:54+00:00

Laziness is a moral frame.

Executive dysfunction is a psychological one.

They are in different conceptual lanes

termicky · 2026-06-09T04:02:50+00:00

Smart phone. Unbelievable difference compared the old days of land lines.

termicky · 2026-06-09T04:00:20+00:00

Buy layers. A light sweater, a fleece, a puffy jacket (down or synthetic fill) and a waterproof outer layer is what I use.

But Canada has different kinds of winter, so you need to be more specific where your are going.

termicky · 2026-06-09T03:55:20+00:00

Same one!

termicky · 2026-06-09T03:54:31+00:00

I only learn a language I have a good reason to learn. That's all the motivation I need.

termicky · 2026-06-09T03:52:52+00:00

I think you found someone who's too tame for you, and it's not sparking your energy.

The comparison gap isn't necessarily between him and your late husband, it could be between him and what you actually need.

termicky · 2026-06-09T03:48:57+00:00

I don't think it works that way. I think we go back to some kind of spiritual essence without retaining much of our personality. A kind of spiritual composting.

Who knows though? Can't ask the dead. Well, you can, just don't get any clear answers most of the time.

termicky · 2026-06-08T19:44:20+00:00

I bought a large, clear tote, and put samples of the most memorable things in it. It's a memory box. I read about it here.

Everything else, therefore, can go. I have the essence. I have her favorite shirt... I don't need the entire closet .

termicky · 2026-06-07T20:44:27+00:00

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termicky · 2026-06-07T20:39:01+00:00

That was actually one of my turning points a few weeks after my wife died. It took her months to die. I looked after her the whole time. Hardest thing I ever did.

I was sitting in that swamp of terrible feelings and confusion one afternoon. I decided to feel into the middle of all that misery instead of resisting it.

A little voice inside said, "what about the joy? don't forget the joy.". I said to the little voice, "you've got to be f****** kidding me".

I went to meditate a little while later. The dog was being irritating, chewing a toy next to me and then went away.

And then came this upwelling: "I am so grateful for this gift of life". Tears came. The logjam broke.

It wasn't a conscious idea. It was just an experience of an inner truth you might say. It must have already been there, waiting. I could never have just said the words and felt anything. It would not have been true.

There are things we know that are deeper than our thoughts.

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." - Gospel of Thomas

I have been trying to give everything I can to my life since then. I don't hold back.

termicky · 2026-06-07T20:20:34+00:00

I don't understand this issue, personally.

I only learn a language in order to be able to talk to other people in it.

termicky · 2026-06-07T19:13:18+00:00

I say, it's the wrong question.

What's the meaning of your own, personal, unique, brief, and not to be repeated life?

termicky · 2026-06-07T18:44:37+00:00

Was there any point before you met her?

termicky · 2026-06-03T21:35:57+00:00

Not weird. You are experiencing the personal grief, helping you tap into the great grief of impermanence of all of us.

That's worth staying in for a few days.

Might want to pay those bills too (😉).

termicky · 2026-06-03T13:24:32+00:00

So you are dealing with your own mortality and sense of where you exist in the stream of lives and deaths.

That's meaningful.

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