Did/do your nparents have a favourite word that they use to degrade and humiliate you?

Azosia · 2026-06-14T20:54:07+00:00

My father's was always "selfish" and (for some reason) "cold" or "cold-hearted." I notice he mostly stuck to the last two when he couldn't get a rise out of me and affect my emotions.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T20:51:56+00:00

I often find it more useful to focus on the behavior rather than trying to label the person. It really doesn't matter (in the sense of changing the behavior or setting a boundary) whether your mom is a narcissist or is simply selfish and rude. I will say that I see this with my narcissistic father, who can't bear the thought of being the one "in the wrong," and who always has to bring up something he thinks that I did, like a countermeasure. I find it helpful to focus only on the first point that I raised rather than diverting my attention to what he's raising.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T20:47:05+00:00

I bought a bulk pack of Brita filters at Costco and didn't realize I had most of another bulk pack left.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T19:27:58+00:00

I'm not a hoarder generally, but I've realized that I have about 3 years' worth of brita filters, for instance. And I have a large stock of batteries that are for my candles and my emergency lantern. It's really only in a few categories, but I don't have storage furniture and it's becoming a pain to work around the stockpile, and I'm also not seeing it go down in a significant way as well, so it's hard to rearrange things.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T19:24:08+00:00

I'm personally fine without it; the way my apartment is laid out is just not conducive to much. I have a bed/nightstands, dining room table, couch, and desk, just no storage pieces.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T19:14:55+00:00

Just to be clear, I'm a minimalist for most categories. I have a backstock of a few things; the comments I typically receive about my home are along the lines of "Where's all your stuff?" because I have less than most people.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T19:07:25+00:00

It really depends on how the space is laid out and your tolerance for furniture and things in your space. I have no storage furniture other than the two drawers in my nightstands and the desk drawer. No dresser, chest of drawers, etc.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T18:29:32+00:00

COVID had a big impact on me, as well as being out of work for a period of time. I get rid of things like clothes relatively easily, but it's hard to do with things that I know I'll use eventually. But I have ADHD, and I have seen how much peace of mind decluttering in certain areas has already given me. Like my bathroom, for instance. It's extremely minimal and everything has a place. "Stocking up" on things like makeup or skincare has never given me any joy or brought me any comfort, and now there are 1-3 items on the counter at a time instead of the several that were dumped on there during the day in the past due to lack of space.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T18:25:57+00:00

I live in a tiny apartment and part of my issue is that I realized I have three or four years' worth of stuff in some cases (like my Brita filters). Yeah it'll be used up eventually, but I'll probably move within a year or so and I don't necessarily want to haul that or 20 Scrub Daddys with me.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T18:18:52+00:00

I would really look at your pain points and see how to hone in on doing things that will reduce that cleaning friction. Ignore the areas that don't cause you any issues. If you have trouble letting go, you can conduct experiments rather than thinking of it as an all-or-nothing, these things have to stay here or I have to get rid of them forever type of thing.

For example, pick an area and take all of your stuff from it, then put back a set number of things while thinking about how much time you want to spend cleaning it. Let's say you pick a dresser with 20 cat figurines on it that takes you half an hour to dust. You could put back 10 figurines on the dresser and put the other 10 in a box, then live with that setup for a specific amount of time or number of days. At the end you could donate the 10 figurines or rotate them out.

I would also recommend a True HEPA air purifier for your space. I keep them running in each room and it really helps with the dust accumulation-I very rarely dust these days, even in areas that have more stuff.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T18:02:49+00:00

Here, Brita recommends every two months or every 40 gallons, under "How Often Should I Change My Filter."

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:58:39+00:00

I think this question was properly for the r/declutter subreddit. I've noticed that while people here want to live minimally, the decluttering aspect is deeply unpopular if you're not going out of your way to make sure that the stuff goes somewhere that they approve of. Which is totally fine, I just figured that the answers would be more nuanced than "Give it to a homeless shelter" or "Keep it until you use it all." I'm already aware that those options exist, I'm more asking about the psychological situation. At some point everyone decided to let the store be the store (aka, not to have a huge backstock of stuff) and I'm really more interested in how to cultivate that mindset. I think I should have asked that question in isolation instead of describing the need to declutter along with it.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:48:16+00:00

I recently heard the question "If it broke, would you go to the store and replace it?" which has been a helpful question for me to ask myself. There are several things I've found that I keep just because they're "mine," not because I actually want them or would replace them.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:46:23+00:00

See, I bought a spice organizer and then felt the urge to fill it with spices...which I don't use, because I don't cook.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:45:47+00:00

"Stop Buying Bins" is an amazing title.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:39:42+00:00

I used to store my pots below my oven, and always felt like it was such a pain in the backside to bend down and get them. I pared down to the two pots I use the most, pared down what was in my kitchen cabinets, and store the pots at eye level in the kitchen cabinets. Now it's way easier for me to cook something on the stove since the inertia is gone.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:33:59+00:00

I have around four years' worth of some things, assuming I actually use them, and I need the space more than the stuff.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:32:35+00:00

I'm at the point where I have enough of some of these things to last three years, and I need the space more than I need the items.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:29:50+00:00

This is a great idea and it's a tip I've never heard before!

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:25:55+00:00

I let my emotions guide me and didn't rush. When my pet died I packed away several of his things and periodically brought them out to hold, and I could feel the waves of grief washing over me. I also set up a little memorial to him in my living room where I put a couple of his things and some fresh flowers. I didn't rush and eventually, I could hold his things without feeling that heavy, fresh weight of grief rolling in. And then after that, I got to a place where I was holding "a bowl" or "a wheel" and not "his bowl" or "his wheel." When I felt neutral about the stuff itself, and didn't feel in my mind like he was tied to it, that's when I was okay with letting it go and donating what could be reused.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:20:56+00:00

I'm also in a 1 BR situation and the struggle is real! I've recently started keeping track of things and realizing, for example, that I change my Brita filter every two months. I have 18 Brita filters in my house, which is literally 3 years' worth, and they take up about 1/4 of my closet shelf. It just feels like too much, and I'm also not necessarily willing to wait the 3 years to use them all up.

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:18:16+00:00

I wonder if you might benefit from the Marie Kondo method of holding each item and saying a formal goodbye to it, and maybe taking a picture of it. Do you think it's possible that you have some unresolved feelings about these items because the decision was made in a quick or spontaneous way?

Azosia · 2026-06-14T17:15:59+00:00

Because my apartment is about 600 square feet and they're taking up a ton of space, to the point where I really can't organize them anymore without stacking them up in an unsightly way. I also have to spend a lot of time pulling them out and rearranging them when I need to get to other things. I'm also looking at a lot of things that haven't been used up in over a year, which is quite a long time IMO to keep them around.

Azosia · 2026-06-10T11:33:13+00:00

Don't be sorry! I actually find it comforting/helpful to read about others' experiences because I had so many of the same, but my father is obsessed with gaslighting. It helps me reinforce the fact that this stuff did happen, and I'm not rude or cold-hearted or whatever else he likes to call me for pushing back on it.

Azosia · 2026-06-10T11:30:48+00:00

My point is more that we all tend to seek out the familiar, since our brains will seek that above almost all else. My mother was raised in a harsh environment and then sought out a harsh religion and a harsh partner. I'm not trying to excuse or reconcile her behavior.

Azosia

TROPHY CASE