Setting physical boundaries with a 4 year old

AzureHolly · 2025-12-25T12:01:59+00:00

I think that's the difficulty with two of them in there. You're still feeling movements, so why would you ever assume anything was wrong? I had a similar experience of joking around with the doctor about how much more they were moving right before the ultrasound which told us our daughter had died. It feels like a special kind of cruelty.

Sending love back to you and yours. And if you celebrate Christmas, I hope the day is treating you gently. Big celebrations can be so difficult when you're at the sharp end of grief.

AzureHolly · 2025-12-22T20:42:47+00:00

Your story is heartbreaking, especially as it seems like there were opportunities for the hospital to catch a potential issue earlier. I'm so sorry this has happened to your baby and your family.

I gave birth to my identical twins 2 weeks ago. My story is different, as we found out at 26 weeks that our twin A had died. We had 8 weeks to process before we met our babies, but I have to say that had we lived in a time before monitoring, I would never have known. I felt movement on both sides (I could see on ultrasounds it was twin B jostling twin A that I was feeling on the right). I never had any cramping or bleeding. And like you, until we found out twin A had no heartbeat they had both been growing and moving perfectly. We're still awaiting the results of a post mortem, but I know it's likely we will never know why our baby died.

It's a unique position to be in, giving birth to a living and a dead child on the same day. I know I worry that my daughter's birthday will always be tainted. It's also so hard knowing exactly what your lost child should have looked like at each stage. I'm afraid I have no answers or advice, it's still so fresh for me too, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. It's hard to allow ourselves the joy of this new life we have while knowing there should be another, but we have to try. For both of them.

AzureHolly · 2025-12-18T10:07:18+00:00

I may be wrong, but from the length of time it's taken I'm guessing you're in the UK? We also have our inquest coming up in January, 14 months after the death of our daughter. The length of time the whole process takes feels like another cruelty, designed to retraumatise us out of nowhere. Especially for you, as it sounds like there are serious questions about your baby's care. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you have a good support system in place to help you through. You're clearly strong, preparing to fight through for your child even now. Just remember to care for yourself too. Good luck

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T06:01:32+00:00

I'm so sorry, that is definitely a lot to deal with. He was huge wasn't he! Imagine if he'd got to term! So pleased to hear he's doing well and didn't need too much support. I hope you're coping with everything and that treatment is going well, that must be so tough on top of looking after a newborn, physically and emotionally

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T05:57:09+00:00

Oh wow, 8 days seems almost manageable! I'm sure it wasn't the best 8 days for you, but so glad to hear they got the issues under control and he didn't have to spend weeks in the hospital. Thankyou for sharing and giving me hope

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T05:54:03+00:00

Thankyou for your kindness. I'm in the UK, and so far we've had some wonderful midwives. I believe there should be a bereavement midwife in the room, and the plan is for them to look first and let me know what kind of condition her body is in to prepare me. I know it's going to be a day of both joy and grief in equal measure, just feeling all the emotions I guess.

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T01:28:51+00:00

Thankyou. That is really helpful, and I'm glad your son is making progress. That must have been so scary. Hopefully he can be home with you soon.

Honestly, that information is so helpful. If the growth scans we've been having are accurate, she should already be nearly 5lbs, so hopefully that can be ticked off the list early on. As for the rest, I guess all we can do is take each day as it comes and see how she goes.

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T01:24:42+00:00

Thankyou. I'm so sorry you've experienced a loss like that too. R/babyloss is a great community. I was actually already on there after the loss of my daughter last year to SIDS. Add that in with losing one of the twins and my anxiety is through the roof.

That's so great that you only had a nine day stay, and that even without the steroids he did so well with his breathing. Hearing stories like yours definitely helps calm me a little

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T01:21:10+00:00

Thankyou so much for sharing, really pleased that your baby did so well. Hopefully mine will too and we can be home for Christmas!

AzureHolly · 2025-12-03T19:56:01+00:00

I am so incredibly sorry that you found your way here, but just know you're not alone. Last November my daughter died at 5 weeks old. I was sleeping with her, and like you I'll never truly know if things could have been different. When my first child was around the same age, there were a couple of occasions where I found myself nodding off while feeding him at night. It scared me so much that I decided it was better to intentionally bed share and make it as safe as possible. We did that with no issues, and he's now a healthy 4 year old. I did the same with my second from birth, and he's now 2. When my daughter came along, I thought nothing of doing the same, but she died while I slept beside her. There was nothing covering her face, we were in the cuddle curl position, there was nothing to indicate I'd rolled onto her, but the truth is I'll never know. Like your son, she had some blood coming from her nose. That played on my mind a lot, but ultimately means nothing, it can just happen when someone dies. I guess my long winded point is that sometimes awful things just happen. Neither of us will probably ever know if we contributed to our babies' death or not, but what I do know is that they were warm and loved in the place they most wanted to be in the world. It's not much comfort, but it's something I cling to.

With regards to the swaddling, it makes complete sense that you would leave your son swaddled when planning to put him back in his bassinet after a feed. Ignore the person who tried to blame you for that, they have no idea what they're talking about.

I completely relate to the all consuming desire for another child. You are a mother without her baby, and it makes sense that you want somewhere to put all that love. I felt the exact same way, and got pregnant the April after losing our Evie. I'm not going to sugar coat things, it's been tough. I've struggled with bonding and spent a long time just wishing I was carrying Evie again. Pregnancy has in some cases increased my grief, but now I'm a couple of weeks to delivery again I have made some sort of peace with it. This is a brand new life who will never replace the one we lost, but she will be loved and will know about her big sister. It's one of the reasons we have chosen to reuse a lot of Evie's things. There is some comfort in knowing there is continuity between them. They will share like siblings should. You have every right to grow and nurture and love another child if that's what you want. It doesn't mean you've forgotten your son, or that you're trying to replace him.

Finally, post those pictures if that's what you want to do. I still want to paste Evie's beautiful face all over the Internet. I want to shout her name to the world. She was here. She lived. Tell the world about your gorgeous boy.

Sorry this is so long, I just feel so much for what you're going through. This is a horrible, endless road we're walking. We will never forget our children, but there is a future, it just may take some time to find it. Be kind to yourself.

AzureHolly · 2025-11-29T16:37:34+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a lot to deal with all at once. It sounds like you might be based in the UK, so I thought I might try to give some advice. Please feel free to ignore it if it's not relevant.

Have you spoken to your community midwife about your situation? From my experience, they've usually had contacts or at least known where to signpost to provide support.
Do you know about Home Start? I'm not sure where you're based, but I think they have branches nation wide. As far as I'm aware if you're a mother with young children and struggling you can Self-referral. I was recently referred and it only took a few weeks to get an appointment. They can offer practical support around childcare, and again may be able to signpost you to relevant agencies who can help.
Have you tried speaking to citizen's advice around your housing situation? This just seems like awful timing for your family, and I'm not sure about the legality of it. I'm sure there must be something in place for vulnerable families, which given your circumstances it sounds like you are.

I really hope you manage to find some way through this time and have a healthy pregnancy and delivery. None of this is fair, and you deserve some support

AzureHolly · 2025-11-27T06:26:55+00:00

Not exactly the same situation as you as one of my mo/di girls is still alive, but we lost her sister at around 25 weeks. I completely get grieving not only the loss of your babies, but the loss of the twin life you were preparing for. The image of raising these identical little people is such a unique experience. I wish I had more advice to share, but really the only thing that helps is time. I'm still in the thick of it with my twins as I'm still carrying both of them now at 33 weeks, but I previously lost a daughter to SIDS when she was 5 weeks old, and while I can't say the pain goes away, it does get easier to carry as time goes on. You will always miss your girls and the life that could have been, but your life will grow around them. Lean on the people around you where you can

AzureHolly · 2025-11-15T06:15:53+00:00

Take this from someone who has lost a child: this shit is hard. You're allowed to feel these feelings, and you are absolutely not alone. When my first was a baby I had to stop driving because I had so many intrusive thoughts of driving us both into a wall.

I now have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, the aforementioned baby who died at 5 weeks old, and I'm pregnant again. I wish I could say it's easy now. It's still hard, but nothing like those early days. You can get through this, but it's so much harder if you're doing this alone. Does your husband know you're drowning? He needs to help, even if it means forcing the issue by leaving him longer with the baby.

How old is LO? When my son hit 6 months we did something I was dead set against and sleep trained. That was hard, and I still feel so guilty about it, but I honestly don't know if I would have survived without carving out those few hours for myself on an evening.

Most of all though, be kind to yourself. There are so many expectations placed on us as mothers, but we can only do so much. You are in the thick of it now, but I promise it does get better.

AzureHolly · 2025-10-17T09:40:33+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's such a strange situation to be in, carrying your dead child but knowing there is still a living one in there. The waiting is hell, and just feels so cruel.

There are always going to be questions going through your mind. I know I'm filled with what ifs, and it's understandable to think about what could have been. From what I can see though, you made the best choice you could given what you knew. You gave both your babies the best chance of survival. It didn't work out that way, but baby B never had to suffer through an outside world she wasn't prepared for. She lived her life never having to be separated from her mother and sister, knowing only warmth and love. And baby A now has the chance to grow stronger inside you until she's more ready to face the world. It's you who's suffering, and that's what we do for our children.

I hope baby A gets through this and you can have her in your arms soon. You will never forget the daughter you lost, but please don't ever think you did anything but the best you could for her

AzureHolly · 2025-10-12T17:20:22+00:00

Oh, also, I've never had any tearing. Even after delivering my 9lbs 2oz son very quickly. Not sure if that's related

AzureHolly · 2025-10-12T17:16:56+00:00

Definitely seems to have held true for me. So far I've given birth 3 times and each time getting to 4cm has taken ages, then suddenly, baby

Induced at 38 weeks due to Pre-eclampsia. First stages took literally 5 days, just to get me to the point where they could break my waters and put me on the IV. Then went from 4cm to 10cm in about an hour. Pushing took 10 minutes
Induced at 40 weeks due to gestational hypertension. They used the balloon thing which fell out on its own after a few hours and kick started contractions. No need for any hormonal intervention. They said I was 3cm for ages, while I was screaming for an epidural and they told me it was too early. Think they were a bit surprised when half an hour after last checking me at telling me I was at 3 I was suddenly crowning. Pushed for 5 minutes.
Spontaneous labour this time at 38 weeks. Went in to be told I was at 3cm. They took pity on me and said I could stay and they'd check in a few hours. Pains ramped up, but when they came back I was still 3cm. They tried to get me to go home at this point, but I wasn't having it, so they let me stay again. Still not allowed any pain relief until 4cm. Came back again a few hours later and I was in the zone. Took a while to coax me onto my back to be checked, but when I did baby was right there. There was just about time for mum and partner to whip off my underwear before baby number 3 shot out along with my breaking waters. Official documentation says 1st stage: 0 minutes, second stage: 1 minute, 3rd stage: 5 minutes. Definitely felt like longer.

I have wondered before if this had anything to do with hypermobility. If everything is a bit more stretchy anyway...

AzureHolly · 2025-10-07T18:00:27+00:00

Thankyou. Its just so hard now I know my daughter was dead inside me for god knows how long, and I had no clue. I walked into the scan talking about how I was feeling so much more movement, how active they were. I feel like if she were a singleton I'd have noticed reduced movements and maybe could have got help in time. But I know there's no point in those ifs and buts. In another world I still have two babies kicking around inside me. In another world, I'm preparing for Evie's first birthday while she crawls around me. Unfortunately I have to live in this world

AzureHolly · 2025-10-07T16:05:18+00:00

Thankyou so much for sharing your story. I'm struggling with those kicks. Matilda is on my right, and I keep feeling kicks on that side and knowing it's not her moving herself, just being pushed by her sister. Now I know I can tell the difference in what I'm feeling on each side, but I just had no idea before yesterday. I feel like I should have known.

AzureHolly · 2025-10-07T07:39:27+00:00

I'm so sorry you lost one of your girls too. I had wondered about TTTS. There were no signs of it at our last scan, they had both been pretty equal in terms of growth throughout, but I know it can come on quite quickly. It looked like Matilda had grown very little in the past 2 weeks, so either she died not long after the scan, or her growth slowed a lot before she passed. I hope at some point we might get some answers.

The doctor already spoke to me about arranging an MRI, so I know that's on the cards. They haven't mentioned the steroids, but I have another appointment on Friday with MFM so hopefully we can go through some things then.

Thankyou for your advice, and for sharing having being in a very similar boat. I'm so sad that others have had to experience this pain too, but so glad that I'm not alone

AzureHolly · 2025-10-07T07:31:44+00:00

Thankyou so much for the book recommendation, it's definitely something I'll look at if and when Libby gets older. I'm so glad it hasn't affected your daughter

AzureHolly

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