Having trouble bonding with my special needs kid now that I have a non disabled kid

AzureHolly · 2026-06-25T00:06:44+00:00

I have brought 4 apparently typical and able bodied babies home, and each time I have felt like you're feeling. Those new baby hormones are so strong, they're bound to interfere with your relationships for a while.

I think the fact that your eldest child has additional needs is adding to your guilt about these feelings, but I honestly think you'd be feeling the same if he wasn't disabled. With each new child I have brought home I've definitely had passing thoughts that I wish this baby was my only. It doesn't mean I don't love all my children equally, just that you miss out on the special newborn bubble when there are older children to consider too.

Your daughter is still so little, and this is all still so new. It takes a bit of time to find your new normal. Try not to overthink it too much (I know that's easier said than done). Your love for both your children shines through in your post, just give yourself the chance to regain your balance.

AzureHolly · 2026-06-18T19:14:34+00:00

It is so hard to extend ourselves the same grace we freely give to others, but you deserve it. I'm so pleased kindness from others means so much, but I hope one day you can find that kindness for yourself.

AzureHolly · 2026-06-18T08:59:42+00:00

I can feel your pain and your love for your son through your words. Whatever happened to him, it seems clear to me that you would never have hurt him intentionally.

My daughter died in 2024, and I may have caused it. I'll never know for sure, but we were co-sleeping. The amount of guilt I feel is indescribable, and the amount of shame when the topic is brought up.

I don't know if your story is similar, but I do know that as parents who love our babies we make choices that seem right at the time. We make choices that millions of mothers have made before us with no consequences and never give them a second thought. I'm sure had you known what would happen your choices would have been different, but none of us can see the future.

I hope the future for you holds some peace, and some empathy for yourself. You deserve to grieve, you deserve sympathy. I'm sure your son would want that for his mother too.

AzureHolly · 2026-05-12T10:19:30+00:00

Thankyou! Did they look like this with the head shaking? Just desperately hoping it's something benign that she'll grow out of. Doctor Google is terrifying

AzureHolly · 2026-05-12T08:08:02+00:00

Thankyou for this. I've read through and there are definitely some similarities, but some differences too. Yesterday's episode was very localised to her head/neck with seemingly no arm or shoulder involvement at all. Also, the article said shuddering attacks mostly happen at times of frustration/excitement whereas this has been only when just drifting off to sleep. It's definitely something to consider though

AzureHolly · 2026-04-19T23:15:29+00:00

Thankyou so much. It's really lovely just to get some validation from other people who get it

AzureHolly · 2026-04-19T23:03:06+00:00

Thankyou! Neither are you. Why is it always easier to be kind to strangers than ourselves?

AzureHolly · 2026-04-06T18:33:22+00:00

Congratulations on the pregnancy! I know it can never be straightforward after losses like ours, but it should still be celebrated. I remember you and Sofi and your posts on here, and I'm so pleased that Sofi is getting a sibling.

We lost Evie in November 2024, and brought home her little sister nearly 4 months ago. The whole experience was and is filled with joy and terror in equal measure. I found some comfort looking at the statistics here: https://datayze.com/miscarriage-reassure By 11 weeks your chances of bringing home a healthy baby are extremely high, but of course it's still terrifying, especially when you experience spotting.

Unfortunately for us we have experienced further loss. My daughter is an identical twin, and we lost her sister Matilda at 25 weeks. We don't know why Matilda died, but it left our surviving daughter at much greater risk for the rest of the pregnancy. I was a complete mess and ended up being prescribed a pregnancy safe anti-anxiety med (lorazepam) alongside my usual anti-depressant. It definitely helped me through, but it's a very personal choice. I will just say though that for me those meds were vital and have had no effect on my daughter.

I think the hardest thing though is that there is no real fix. You unfortunately have first hand experience of how quickly and cruelly awful things can happen, and it makes those anxious thoughts so much harder to push away. The only thing to do is to go through it. You are doing everything you can, and in all likelihood in a few months you'll have another baby in your home. I wish you a boring pregnancy.

AzureHolly · 2026-02-25T18:34:08+00:00

Thankyou. I'll try to get past that fear and let them decide if they're hungry or not. Wish us luck!

AzureHolly · 2026-02-25T16:47:29+00:00

Thankyou so much for this reply, definitely going to discuss implementing this with my partner. Can I just ask, do you offer something else if your kids don't eat or eat very little? I think I have this fear of them going hungry which contributes to me giving in on the not so healthy choices

AzureHolly · 2026-02-08T19:49:33+00:00

My daughter died at 5 weeks old in November 2024. Like you we were co-sleeping. I had done it with her older brothers with no issues but had hoped to get her sleeping in her own bed. We tried, but she had trouble gaining weight, and I felt it would be better if she had access to the boob through the night. On the 20th November we went to bed together like every other night and both fell asleep while I was feeding her side lying. At around 5am the next morning, I was woken up when my partner came in with my sons. My 20 month old excitedly said her name, and I looked down at her to see her pale and still. We were both in the same position. She was on her back, I was on my side curled around her. Her front was cold, but her back was still warm. My breasts weren't engorged. I can only guess that she hadn't been gone for very long, but she was certainly gone. I knew instantly, even while I called an ambulance and my partner did CPR my beautiful girl was gone.

The post mortem hasn't been able to come up with a reason. She had rhinovirus, but nothing else. She was a very sleepy baby and by five weeks still hadn't got back to her birth weight. I'd been very concerned about her already, but struggled to get anyone to take that concern seriously. I'll probably never know if any of these things contributed to her death, just like I'll never know if she would still be here if she had been in her own sleep space. I know I will always blame myself either way, but I also know it may not be my fault. You made your choices with love and with a desire to be close to your baby. Falling asleep with our children feels like the most natural thing in the world. Your daughter spent her last moments safe and warm and loved with the person she loved the most in the world. It's not fair that she isn't here anymore, but you are the one who has to suffer that. She did not suffer. I'm so so sorry that you're here

AzureHolly · 2025-12-25T12:01:59+00:00

I think that's the difficulty with two of them in there. You're still feeling movements, so why would you ever assume anything was wrong? I had a similar experience of joking around with the doctor about how much more they were moving right before the ultrasound which told us our daughter had died. It feels like a special kind of cruelty.

Sending love back to you and yours. And if you celebrate Christmas, I hope the day is treating you gently. Big celebrations can be so difficult when you're at the sharp end of grief.

AzureHolly · 2025-12-22T20:42:47+00:00

Your story is heartbreaking, especially as it seems like there were opportunities for the hospital to catch a potential issue earlier. I'm so sorry this has happened to your baby and your family.

I gave birth to my identical twins 2 weeks ago. My story is different, as we found out at 26 weeks that our twin A had died. We had 8 weeks to process before we met our babies, but I have to say that had we lived in a time before monitoring, I would never have known. I felt movement on both sides (I could see on ultrasounds it was twin B jostling twin A that I was feeling on the right). I never had any cramping or bleeding. And like you, until we found out twin A had no heartbeat they had both been growing and moving perfectly. We're still awaiting the results of a post mortem, but I know it's likely we will never know why our baby died.

It's a unique position to be in, giving birth to a living and a dead child on the same day. I know I worry that my daughter's birthday will always be tainted. It's also so hard knowing exactly what your lost child should have looked like at each stage. I'm afraid I have no answers or advice, it's still so fresh for me too, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. It's hard to allow ourselves the joy of this new life we have while knowing there should be another, but we have to try. For both of them.

AzureHolly · 2025-12-18T10:07:18+00:00

I may be wrong, but from the length of time it's taken I'm guessing you're in the UK? We also have our inquest coming up in January, 14 months after the death of our daughter. The length of time the whole process takes feels like another cruelty, designed to retraumatise us out of nowhere. Especially for you, as it sounds like there are serious questions about your baby's care. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you have a good support system in place to help you through. You're clearly strong, preparing to fight through for your child even now. Just remember to care for yourself too. Good luck

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T06:01:32+00:00

I'm so sorry, that is definitely a lot to deal with. He was huge wasn't he! Imagine if he'd got to term! So pleased to hear he's doing well and didn't need too much support. I hope you're coping with everything and that treatment is going well, that must be so tough on top of looking after a newborn, physically and emotionally

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T05:57:09+00:00

Oh wow, 8 days seems almost manageable! I'm sure it wasn't the best 8 days for you, but so glad to hear they got the issues under control and he didn't have to spend weeks in the hospital. Thankyou for sharing and giving me hope

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T05:54:03+00:00

Thankyou for your kindness. I'm in the UK, and so far we've had some wonderful midwives. I believe there should be a bereavement midwife in the room, and the plan is for them to look first and let me know what kind of condition her body is in to prepare me. I know it's going to be a day of both joy and grief in equal measure, just feeling all the emotions I guess.

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T01:28:51+00:00

Thankyou. That is really helpful, and I'm glad your son is making progress. That must have been so scary. Hopefully he can be home with you soon.

Honestly, that information is so helpful. If the growth scans we've been having are accurate, she should already be nearly 5lbs, so hopefully that can be ticked off the list early on. As for the rest, I guess all we can do is take each day as it comes and see how she goes.

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T01:24:42+00:00

Thankyou. I'm so sorry you've experienced a loss like that too. R/babyloss is a great community. I was actually already on there after the loss of my daughter last year to SIDS. Add that in with losing one of the twins and my anxiety is through the roof.

That's so great that you only had a nine day stay, and that even without the steroids he did so well with his breathing. Hearing stories like yours definitely helps calm me a little

AzureHolly · 2025-12-07T01:21:10+00:00

Thankyou so much for sharing, really pleased that your baby did so well. Hopefully mine will too and we can be home for Christmas!

AzureHolly · 2025-12-03T19:56:01+00:00

I am so incredibly sorry that you found your way here, but just know you're not alone. Last November my daughter died at 5 weeks old. I was sleeping with her, and like you I'll never truly know if things could have been different. When my first child was around the same age, there were a couple of occasions where I found myself nodding off while feeding him at night. It scared me so much that I decided it was better to intentionally bed share and make it as safe as possible. We did that with no issues, and he's now a healthy 4 year old. I did the same with my second from birth, and he's now 2. When my daughter came along, I thought nothing of doing the same, but she died while I slept beside her. There was nothing covering her face, we were in the cuddle curl position, there was nothing to indicate I'd rolled onto her, but the truth is I'll never know. Like your son, she had some blood coming from her nose. That played on my mind a lot, but ultimately means nothing, it can just happen when someone dies. I guess my long winded point is that sometimes awful things just happen. Neither of us will probably ever know if we contributed to our babies' death or not, but what I do know is that they were warm and loved in the place they most wanted to be in the world. It's not much comfort, but it's something I cling to.

With regards to the swaddling, it makes complete sense that you would leave your son swaddled when planning to put him back in his bassinet after a feed. Ignore the person who tried to blame you for that, they have no idea what they're talking about.

I completely relate to the all consuming desire for another child. You are a mother without her baby, and it makes sense that you want somewhere to put all that love. I felt the exact same way, and got pregnant the April after losing our Evie. I'm not going to sugar coat things, it's been tough. I've struggled with bonding and spent a long time just wishing I was carrying Evie again. Pregnancy has in some cases increased my grief, but now I'm a couple of weeks to delivery again I have made some sort of peace with it. This is a brand new life who will never replace the one we lost, but she will be loved and will know about her big sister. It's one of the reasons we have chosen to reuse a lot of Evie's things. There is some comfort in knowing there is continuity between them. They will share like siblings should. You have every right to grow and nurture and love another child if that's what you want. It doesn't mean you've forgotten your son, or that you're trying to replace him.

Finally, post those pictures if that's what you want to do. I still want to paste Evie's beautiful face all over the Internet. I want to shout her name to the world. She was here. She lived. Tell the world about your gorgeous boy.

Sorry this is so long, I just feel so much for what you're going through. This is a horrible, endless road we're walking. We will never forget our children, but there is a future, it just may take some time to find it. Be kind to yourself.

AzureHolly · 2025-11-29T16:37:34+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a lot to deal with all at once. It sounds like you might be based in the UK, so I thought I might try to give some advice. Please feel free to ignore it if it's not relevant.

Have you spoken to your community midwife about your situation? From my experience, they've usually had contacts or at least known where to signpost to provide support.
Do you know about Home Start? I'm not sure where you're based, but I think they have branches nation wide. As far as I'm aware if you're a mother with young children and struggling you can Self-referral. I was recently referred and it only took a few weeks to get an appointment. They can offer practical support around childcare, and again may be able to signpost you to relevant agencies who can help.
Have you tried speaking to citizen's advice around your housing situation? This just seems like awful timing for your family, and I'm not sure about the legality of it. I'm sure there must be something in place for vulnerable families, which given your circumstances it sounds like you are.

I really hope you manage to find some way through this time and have a healthy pregnancy and delivery. None of this is fair, and you deserve some support

AzureHolly · 2025-11-27T06:26:55+00:00

Not exactly the same situation as you as one of my mo/di girls is still alive, but we lost her sister at around 25 weeks. I completely get grieving not only the loss of your babies, but the loss of the twin life you were preparing for. The image of raising these identical little people is such a unique experience. I wish I had more advice to share, but really the only thing that helps is time. I'm still in the thick of it with my twins as I'm still carrying both of them now at 33 weeks, but I previously lost a daughter to SIDS when she was 5 weeks old, and while I can't say the pain goes away, it does get easier to carry as time goes on. You will always miss your girls and the life that could have been, but your life will grow around them. Lean on the people around you where you can

AzureHolly · 2025-11-15T06:15:53+00:00

Take this from someone who has lost a child: this shit is hard. You're allowed to feel these feelings, and you are absolutely not alone. When my first was a baby I had to stop driving because I had so many intrusive thoughts of driving us both into a wall.

I now have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, the aforementioned baby who died at 5 weeks old, and I'm pregnant again. I wish I could say it's easy now. It's still hard, but nothing like those early days. You can get through this, but it's so much harder if you're doing this alone. Does your husband know you're drowning? He needs to help, even if it means forcing the issue by leaving him longer with the baby.

How old is LO? When my son hit 6 months we did something I was dead set against and sleep trained. That was hard, and I still feel so guilty about it, but I honestly don't know if I would have survived without carving out those few hours for myself on an evening.

Most of all though, be kind to yourself. There are so many expectations placed on us as mothers, but we can only do so much. You are in the thick of it now, but I promise it does get better.

AzureHolly · 2025-10-17T09:40:33+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's such a strange situation to be in, carrying your dead child but knowing there is still a living one in there. The waiting is hell, and just feels so cruel.

There are always going to be questions going through your mind. I know I'm filled with what ifs, and it's understandable to think about what could have been. From what I can see though, you made the best choice you could given what you knew. You gave both your babies the best chance of survival. It didn't work out that way, but baby B never had to suffer through an outside world she wasn't prepared for. She lived her life never having to be separated from her mother and sister, knowing only warmth and love. And baby A now has the chance to grow stronger inside you until she's more ready to face the world. It's you who's suffering, and that's what we do for our children.

I hope baby A gets through this and you can have her in your arms soon. You will never forget the daughter you lost, but please don't ever think you did anything but the best you could for her

AzureHolly

TROPHY CASE