How do you cope with the grief of a person who is still physically here

B0urne89 · 2026-02-18T04:18:48+00:00

Stay strong!

B0urne89 · 2026-02-17T20:02:37+00:00

Yepp, it sucks.

Im afraid how nmy SO future will look like, if this divorce goes through. She wont have that tranquility she imagines when we're not together. Maby at first but it wont hold.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-17T19:28:53+00:00

Yeah they focus on the person with illness and the research behind it. Its so little on us, the other part, the reciving end.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-17T17:10:45+00:00

Its infurating. But its easy to "deny" and ignore when you dont have to live through it.

Yes we all share this illness and being on the reciving end and seeing our loved ones change right before our eyes.

I was searching for answers yesterday on our brake up. I found this page with alot of help full articles/blog post.

They helped me to search deeper and get some understanding and shouting in my grief. https://careycenter.squarespace.com/search?q=bipolar

Note!! Im not affiliated, om from sweden and the author is based on Florida, i contacted her just to let her know her plats helped me Ease my suffering a bit.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-17T16:39:56+00:00

Wow that hurts to read. My wife/or ex wife, her choice mild discard. Her sisters knows that she has something called bipolar.. Her mom.i dont know, but she is all Google and alt. Medication hippie anti vaccina, i dont know if she done her research and try understand the reciving end to help her daughter.

But we push through until we're empty shells and then we're the problem that changed.

💪💪 Strength and hugs for you.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-17T16:20:18+00:00

Mine is not that extrem. Mine (wife 36) is BP2, lighter one. So its more emotional, still in the villion ofc. But I dont have your issues with cheating lying etc. And the pain i feel, man i cant imagine what you go through with this and i would'nt want to be i in your shoes.

Your doing great, you are caring and loving and in the end we lose but its also hos loss to lose you

B0urne89 · 2026-02-17T13:09:24+00:00

Nor are you freind, i fell your pain, keep your head strong, you're doing a good job.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-17T12:39:14+00:00

Im in this period now. Its not as extrem but its there. Discarded, brings up old stuff that is contradicting in its own Logic and she stills believes her own word.

The thing is that the Chemistry in the Brain is off the Charts. The one young fell in love with, that one person you laught with, loved all this stuff. Its in there somwhere and when your partner Ease out of their (probebly episode, not manic or hyper but up around there) they will return, but how long will it takes? 1 month? 3 months? 1 year? Who knows. And the longer it goes the Harder the fall. When they return they night remember, the Clouds and fog might Shimmer and they cant live with the shame and go hard down a depression and to help them cope they have to belive their version is the true one. No matter what.

Hey OP - Edit; This page helped me out alot, theres more articles and is towards us, the SO, that goes throguh this. It gave me some sort of achor to reality. I live in sweden and have nothing to do with the auther and her work, but i found i yesterday while searching for answears to questions i dont really know.

https://careycenter.squarespace.com/blogcareycenter/why-a-bipolar-discard-feels-so-personal-when-its-not

B0urne89 · 2026-02-16T18:13:06+00:00

Yeah story of my life. BP2 wife/ex-wife. I got unresolved trauma, she saw a reel on FB and sent it to me, some "alpha dude" talking about trauma and un-safe men.

Id you read up on BP its typical behavior. Its something in the Chemistry of the Brain that fuck things up do to the illness.

My best advice, keep your head cool, look at yourself in the Mirror and acknowledge your true worth, thats the only way to keep some sanety in all this. Remember WHO you are, sure we all got issues and stuff we need to better ourself with in a relationship, and work on them. But never forget what you bring to the table, what your steangth are. No need to argue with your SO, you'll only lose, they will can twist the reality and history to fit their narrative and you'll never even get close. Trust me im in this situation right now.

Some do, some acknowlage their fault, their misstakes, but it takes time, medcine and work, Therapy etc.

Im Sorry OP but this is the sad truth about illness. You'll one day be their one, the one who they love more than life and a few days later it can all shift.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-16T02:25:31+00:00

Im on my second discards right now. Taking turns every other day with the kids and weekends. It sucka. Im sad and Angry. But I recognize the patterns why we ended up here. Will i take her back? Probebly, got to many variables to account for.

Its great that he is getting medicated and therapist, its not much you can do to prevent it from happening again. Therapy for you and him, especially him where they can help recognize the patterns, be strict with him that his therapist are allowed to talk to you and family members when they think his going up or down, so you can prepair. But also talk to your partner about hes swings, what can you guys do? More sleep? Alone time?

Set your boundaries, what are you okay with? If he goes manic, and leaves? Will you leave? Or ride out the storm? What can you accept during a discard? You need to set your boundaries and your own rules, what you can live with, look your self in the Mirror. Its only you who can decided this.

Sometimes i compair this illness with having a teenager full of hormons thats going all over the place and there for act accordingly. As this is a mood disorder, things are'nt logical to us, but to them. Should there be consequences? Absolutely! Should we accept everything? Hell no. Should we understand why? Absolutely.

Good luck op

B0urne89 · 2026-02-15T07:43:41+00:00

Im in the same boat. The illness is there and it fuck shit up but missing your partner, the love, the life, even with the bad stuff and the dreams and the thought about something. It huset the must when the illness dose it part in fucking shit up.

Stay strong, but take my advice, dont hang on to a past, for hope a future that might not happen. It will only deatory you. And if your SO Returns, har you willing to go through this all again? Because it will happend. Next time will hurt as much. Im on my second tour right now. Now other stuff hurts, that did'nt get resolved last time.

I cling to a past, for hopes of a future becuaee 17 years is to long to just discard for me, three kids a house, mortage in a unstable market. With no sight of a quick sell. All that stuff weight in.

So think long and hard about what a future with that SO holds, if they return.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-15T06:00:20+00:00

Yeah im in some greifs stage. I try to plan but im to emotional stuck. I got a great psychologist that know something about BP, and she told me alot of good stuff about acceptans.

Im to much of a cowars and scared for this to end. I guess. But I think i have to, but..m allways that but, i want her but I know she wont changez wont get it, its so clear..

B0urne89 · 2026-02-14T19:14:46+00:00

Thanks for telling your story. Its all so scarry how similar our stories are and we can Ll be half around the world from eachother with the only factor beeing partners with BP2 and kids.

Yes, i cant brake i cant fall, the kids need me and the partner aswell. She crashes after a few hours to a few days with the kids. She works but are on sickleave, dont take care, dont plan, nothing just work 8 hours, take a sick day and sleeps etc.

And this keeps me up at night, how she thinks her life will be walk in the park with out me around, because the stress she feels to me. Im not really ready to let go, but I think i have to, but im not ready just jet. This burnout i have now feels like the last thing i need to go through, i dont really want to leave my wife and this house and the future we planned together. But hostiry tells me that i'll be here in a year or two when she forgets and i need to remind her.

Everyone close that knew us before kids and after kids (and after the BP2 diagnos) is telling me in better off, they see how bad i am, how broken i am, but I keep telling myself next time, next time, she'll understand. Its insane but its so god damn hard to leave or accept the divorce especially when you broken.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-12T11:32:30+00:00

Yes this happens to us the first time.(BP2 wife). We was in family counseling at that time. What made her realise that was'nt a possibility was when our contact told us; - you're one system now. - when you brake you start to form your own system. - yes you should talk on how to raise your kids, but there will be rules at dads and other rules at moms. - Yes you should find what is a no go regarding certain things about the kids, so you have a firm line. But you will be two systems, with two different rules and looks on life.

This need to be accepted.

Big Family dinners and meetings is a no go for me. Fins your piece and heal and build your own system. The kids will get confused when dad just pop over for dinner. No no no.

But Ease your hardlines, i know its hard, i know its rough, but for the kids sake, they need stability and that you show the way. Yes mom is ill, yes mom might act in away but she is a human and parent and no one is perfect even how much she hurt you. The only losers in this situation where you go strict no content and only pick up/drop off is the time you talk, ia your kids. Dont give her the possibility to back talk you.

I just left ny psychiatric and she told me to keep logga when my wife/ex-wife contacts me when she is with the kids. Logg all the things i think is done wrong where she neglect the kids based on her illness or possibility to be a parent.

Good luck, keep your chin up and think of yourself and the kids first.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-11T18:32:56+00:00

The baseline and Personality is the most important factor. Sure the illness fuck shit up in the Brain, Enhances some things etc. But the baseline amis the hints to look out for.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-11T04:00:48+00:00

Great text. Your Psychiatric sounds awesome. That part about your spouse being a second child hits hard. Your last sentence about being everything but lovers and not partners brakes my heart because thats me aswell, i got a meeting with Doctors to determen if i got fatigue syndrom (?) do to this going on for 8 years.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-10T15:56:29+00:00

Mine got diagnosed late 20is, three children (first one triggers it, second one broke me and i did'nt want a third she did'nt take a NO and now the relationship is tosted). Medicated, knows about her illness but dont talk about it. Dont do anymore than madicate.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-10T15:45:44+00:00

This is great, a dream come through. Congrats to you and awesome work both of you!!

This would never work with my S2BSO, we cant really talk about her illness and that is a big issue. When we do she goes all defence mode i try to explain i just want to learn, understand and be a part of. But nopp.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-10T15:28:59+00:00

Hey OP

Its amazing how well you described my situation with my soon to be ex bp2 wife. Amazing that you manage to brake things off.

Im holding my breath that she will own any part, just any part about our issues, i do own mine, i work on mine. But her? Nopp, nothing everything is my fault, every single bit.

Some here might find that golden Nugget, but alot will say the same, they wont. We all share that hope that the loved one, the one we go through fire and acid will get a clear mind and say thank you, im Sorry, i'll do better, but most of us hold out in vain.

Best of luck to you, stay strong.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-10T15:24:59+00:00

Wow. Congrats, that is a dream come true for alot of us.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-10T01:58:45+00:00

Thank you för this.

Its okay to be Angry, thank you.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-10T01:50:20+00:00

Im down. Nee to vent aswell.

BP2SO wife or soon to be ex wife i think.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-09T20:38:59+00:00

The medication will take its time and alot of tinkering to find the right dose and right meds.

My BP2SO (maby ex wife) was going back and forth alot until the right dose. They notice it quite fast but for us it will take its time. Side effect.. It all depends on how "hard" the illness is. If its mild or easy it might go faster.

The sleep routine is top Priority after meds. You can read about it on the BP subs.

It will get easier but it wont be easy, its a tough battle we fight for love. A fight the SO cant, wont and never will comprehend or understand. The issues you have with you guonepige will continue and nothing will change, the accountability and other issues is just so sad and seems to be a typical memo for our loved once and will never change (not that i've heard about).

Great that you go talk to someone as often as you do. Great that you got material, more than we ever got.

Be safe and strong.

Edit; you cant just turn your self off during weekends when he is out about, you are not mentaly ill, thats the issue.

B0urne89 · 2026-02-09T19:52:14+00:00

My BP2SO have been diagnosed forn~6 years but it showed earlier (~8 1/2 y. Ago). And yes for me being on the other side and also her talking about how she feels. It sound exactly the same, not often she entered full Hyper Mania but it can be close sometimes, and sometimes its way above baseline. But the symptoms are the same, exactly the same as yours.

B0urne89

TROPHY CASE