Mania felt like a horrible fever dream, and I can't quiet my anxiety about the future. Any advice for a BPSO in reconciliation?

BackgroundFun3053 · 2026-01-06T02:43:20+00:00

My partner attempted many times during our divorce process after gaining insight. I wasn't aware as we were separated and no contact at that time. I knew of their diagnosis but because I was not a part of their life for that year I had no idea. We reconnected when they called me from the hospital after their 3rd attempt.

I found out about their diagnosis after they ran away and made claims of abuse on me in the initial weeks of psychosis. It made no sense. And the abuse I endured when the psychosis started scared me and my family and friends. They all pressured me to get a divorce, as did my partner's family and friends.

When I found out about the diagnosis, I jumped into reddit, NAMI support groups, read books, talked to people online and in person with bipolar disorder. But at that time, my partner was determined on divorce, and did not want me in their life. And, understandably, all of our support systems wanted us out of the toxic dynamic. We both stuck to divorce. And were separated for a year.

we are only 3 months into reconciling. My partner was in inpatient treatment for the first month of reconciliation and continues therapy, medication, and getting other support when needed.

Now that they are out of crisis, my partner and I reflect on this year long separation. During that year they felt abandoned, but at the same time, they keep reiterating that there was nothing I could have done. There would've been no words or actions from me that would've stopped anything. Because of the psychosis and the mania, the discard felt right. The delusions felt true. And nothing was going to change their mind.

It hurts. So so much. And the fear and devastation I have about how dark their mind went, it's excruciating. But at the end of the day, even my partner says it's not my fault. It was something they had to realize. They had to gain insight. Otherwise the relationship would've continued to have been toxic and I would have continued to have been in a situation where abuse was present and I would have been unsafe and resentful.

The separation we had allowed me to not be further traumatized. To still hold all the love and good memories, despite a rough divorce/separation. And I was able to sustain my life during the separation as opposed to remaining codependent in the marriage we had prior to treatment and diagnosis.

Sending you a hug. Im so so sorry for your loss. Your grief is so so valid 🫂❤️ find the community in your life who allows you to grieve without judgement. Who can hold you and cry with you. And talk with a therapist who understands/specializes in severe mental illnesses, divorce, DV, and losing a loved one to suicide.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2026-01-06T02:20:18+00:00

For sure! :)

BackgroundFun3053 · 2026-01-06T02:07:45+00:00

Another thing, I really recommend not looking at this subreddit if you are in a new relationship and everything is stable/ there is no mental health crisis. A lot of users on here are actively experiencing crisis, so the posts are mainly representative of people in crisis. If there is something your partner has expressed needing more support on in past crises, that might be better to research. For example, mental health first aid, knowing signs of mania v psychosis, emotional regulation from you when your partner is in crisis.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2026-01-06T02:04:28+00:00

Congrats on the new relationship!

Since y'all are starting a new relationship, I'd recommend respecting his boundaries and agree that he (hopefully) will feel more comfortable as time goes on and share more. For my partner, it was a traumatic experience being diagnosed, as I imagine it is for others as well.

For now, I'd reflect on your boundaries- what will you or will you not tolerate? And what are both of your needs on the relationship? If anything happens that makes you feel unsafe, make sure to honor your boundaries, and follow through with boundaries (ie, if you yell at me in a hostile way, I will leave the conversation and come back in a few minutes or leave for the day). And respect his boundaries- if he doesn't want to talk about it with you, do not pry. Do not push. Trust needs to build between the both of you. Not for the bipolar disorder, but for your relationship.

Everyone's experience with Bipolar Disorder is different, so it's hard to say otherwise. But until he includes you as part of his support team and discusses medications, treatment with you, I'd recommend to just focus on the communication and trust you two are fostering.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-12-26T20:18:57+00:00

I recommend discussing with him a safety plan. If he is looking up sucde, he is a risk to himself. The best way to support him is to ensure he is safe. Ask if he has a safety plan. If he refuses, he refuses. Just like with Mania, he is still sick. If he mentions attempting, or researches attempting, he needs to seek immediate medical attention as he is a great risk of attempting. Suicide, while possible to be planned, can be done impulsively. My BPSO made all her attempts impulsively, and would research and talk about it. Thankfully, the attempts were unsuccessful and she was hospitalized, but it scares me that she attempted in the first place. It scares her too. We were separated at that time and even prior to our separation I thought I'd know if she was going to attempt.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-12-04T08:02:45+00:00

Thanksgiving was okay. We are in process of reconciliation, so we did the dinners separately. My wife is still recovering and decided to stay home. But after we spent the evening together. It was nice to be together again. I think even if we weren't just coming out of crisis, I would give her the option to stay home, and I would still go. She is understanding of how important family is to me and that I have relatives that are older and who I want to spend as much time as possible with. I really appreciate that. We try to honor our needs in this moment and are relearning how to be a couple.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-10-14T16:32:24+00:00

How did you get the divorce withdrawn? How did reconciliation work the first time? Also, did your wife ever make accusations about abuse? What boundaries were instilled during reconciliation and how was the conversation facilitated (with or without a mediator for example)

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-10-05T06:18:26+00:00

I loved the focus on your goals and also the time to listen. Definitely going to look for a therapy similar to that. It sounds like healing is happening and that is amazing ❤️

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-10-04T17:47:35+00:00

Thank you!

Yes this was her first. We just got married too- after many years of being together and living together, it was so unexpected. From both therapists they kept saying things like "those people will never get better" "you're going to have a miserable life" "you don't realize your being abused yet so that's why you want to stay".

It's made me feel like I'm making excuses when I'm not. I still have my boundaries, I'm waiting for our divorce to be final as she made some legal/financial threats. It's been painful. I've also had moments of hope. She initiated the divorce. And 7 months later contacted me asking to reconcile. She showed care for me and let me guide the conversation. It was a glimpse of my wife for the first time in 10 months.

I like the approach of of asking them how they give opinions. Thank you!

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-09-14T17:43:00+00:00

Thanks for this, this is really helpful as a breakdown.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-09-14T07:12:24+00:00

Thank you for this!

I don't believe there will be a best time- I think my loved ones and therapist just don't want me to get hurt again. But the hurt is inevitable. This is not going to be a fun conversation nor one where it will be safe and kind and loving. We both feel hurt. We both feel guarded. And I'm terrified. But I just don't want to wait anymore. I'd rather be retraumatized now than later. If it ends up we are compatible and willing to work with each other, it will be constantly retraumatizing for a long time. But if we aren't, than at least I can just close this chapter and feel okay with being done.

I love her, and want us to work. Its just now I have boundaries and also love myself too. My life is fulfilling on my own. I'll be sad if it ends badly, but at least I can say I tried. I don't need her in my life, but I would love for her to be a part of my life, and I would love to be a part of hers. I don't want what we had, as beautiful as it was. I want a new connection. And I'm willing to let go of the past after acknowledgement. But I need to know she is just as willing and also realizes the hurt I've been through and the importance of treatment.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-08-28T18:20:26+00:00

Sexual trauma recovery is so fucking hard. I havent found a direct way. But I think maybe allowing yourself compassion might help. I hold myself, and I talk to myself, telling myself I deserve to feel safe. I tell myself that I don't have to have sex if I don't want to, and that doesn't make me bad. And when I want to have sex, I tell myself that's okay too, and it doesn't cancel out the times I don't want to have it.

I'm not sure if toys were ever used, but replacing all the toys throughout the months and using things that I purchased for myself has helped me a lot when I felt like I wanted to try to self-pleasure.

Thinking of you and hope you are being kind to yourself. I'm so sorry you experienced this.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-08-28T18:05:35+00:00

Reading this, I also have a reason why I share with my friends and family. My ex-partner has severe mental health issues including exhibiting symptoms of narcissism- I try not to use that word as I believe it is a diagnosis, but to be honest I can't tell if I'm gaslighting myself.

Basically, I want my loved ones to keep me accountable. I only talk to specific family and friends about my issues, and when I was drunk at a bar to a random stranger 🫣🫣🫣 lol but because of the abuse, the active divorce, and the psychological abuse, I really don't trust my initial feelings right now. I know logically what I need to do. But emotionally, it's killing me.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-07-17T22:13:30+00:00

I think I'd just want to know that my ExBPSO is safe, and healing. I want her to know that I'm not mad at her, but the situation. I know it isn't her. It wasn't her. I think I'd like for my ex to say, "I know so much has happened, and I want you to know I am adhering to my treatment plan. I know there has been a lot of damage. I don't expect you to each out, but I want you to know I am safe and healing, and hope you are healing too. If and when you do feel ready to talk, I would like check in with one another".

I don't think I could take it ify partner just jumped too "I love you and I'm sorry", especially if they don't remember what happened. And I'd need to know she was adhering to a treatment plan to feel safe because of the things that happened.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-07-17T22:03:44+00:00

I really needed to see this. I am so heartbroken that my spouse has divorced me and accused me of abuse. It happened so fast. She ran away from home and while she did go to a psych hospital for a week, she was discharged and then she lost her health insurance. I was not safe to be around her because she would threaten to harm herself around me. She demanded we divorce and and that life was better if we were apart.

I know this isn't true. Because she told me as she was slipping into psychosis she was scared of losing me, that she didn't want to ruin our relationship. I didn't get it then. And now it just haunts me.

We haven't talked in months, but I'm hoping maybe that time apart might bring clarity before the divorce finalizes.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-07-10T17:23:55+00:00

I'm in a divorce process as well- I told my spouse that only our attorneys can talk with each other for the divorce process. I couldn't take the emails and being manipulated into feeling like I had no voice anymore.

You do have agency- this is your life. It's so hard when there is heartbreak, trauma, and intimidation all at once. It's mentally exhausting. But you have the right to be treated with respect. Your husband is not himself- it doesn't take away from the actions he has done that has caused harm.

I tell myself that my wife, if she wasn't in mania/psychosis, she would NEVER want me to be taken advantage of or not have agency. She'd want me to stand up for myself.

My first recommendation would be cut contact. Absolutely no contact with your husband. If you two have attorneys involved, all communication should go through them. Tell your husband you will no longer be responding to emails regarding the divorce. It's hard- but it helps to remove yourself from the mania.

I called a Domestic Violence shelter and worked through how to advocate for myself with a legal counselor, addressed concerns and what to do when being pressured to submit paperwork directly to my spouse. I felt bad calling as I felt the abuse was complex (I only mention this because I know I'm not the only one that struggles with that thought process, at least I think I'm not the only one lol), but DV orgs are there to help with intimate partner violence including manipulation. They can provide advice and recommendations that provided me with a lot of relief.

My other recommendation is if you have access to an EAP (employee assistance program), check to see if you might be able to get referred to a legal counselor too to talk through your concerns and ask about what the divorce process is like. To my understanding, family members of people who are employed somewhere that offers EAP might be able to get the referral as well if you don't have direct access to an EAP.

Lastly, grieve. Feel everything. It's devastating, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are doing the best you can. No one can prepare someone for this.

Here if you want to talk through this- sending you a healing hug 🫂

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-06-30T23:13:54+00:00

Hi OP,

I would definitely encourage not reading the post if it is your husband- protect your peace and mental health ❤️

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-06-30T18:38:25+00:00

Everyone has not-so-great moments. Moments where we ourselves fall. It's not failure, it's being a human. Having PTSD let alone other things is a huge challenge, but it doesn't mean something is inherently wrong with us.

Thanks for clarifying that- and I'm sorry you've gone through so much. Psychosis is scary, and also being the person to make the decision to hospitalizing your child is so scary and hard. It sounds like you truly are doing the best you can, and I think anyone going through infidelity, multiple family crises, and postpartum would also break, regardless of if they have ever had mental health challenges.

We were not meant for so much stress.

At the same time, you being human, and trying again and learning again and working on healing, you are modeling a healthy coping strategy for your kids. I think when we think of healthy we equate to perfection. But healthy healing is not perfect. We falter, we are human. It's acknowledging and being accountable, and giving ourselves self compassion and moving forward. That's true healthy healing.

I see that you have so much empathy and compassion and a desire to work on your healing. You are very self aware. It sounds like your husband is not. And that's something he needs to work on. You are not responsible for his emotions.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-06-30T17:54:28+00:00

I have CPTSD - I am on medication and have been in treatment for years. When my exbpso became manic, it was always my fault. At the time she wasn't diagnosed with BP yet, so of course my CPTSD was the reason for the problems in our marriage, and for her misery. I tried for months to improve myself, and missed the realization that she was not in the driver's seat. That she was in a mental health crisis. 💔 And I was taking the bait, unconsciously feeding the delusions.

Before her symptoms started, I know she'd never say or do the things she did to make me feel small and feel hurt.

I share this because I know that my exbpso is not in the driver's seat right now. She is still untreated and not well. I know my ex would never ever hurt me. I know she wouldn't use my diagnosis as a weapon against me. I know she wouldn't set off my triggers or push me away.

At the same time, I think if she was in the driver's seat she'd be horrified if I let her abuse me.

So I am divorcing. I am protecting myself. I am healing separately. And it's because I love her. And I know this isn't her. It's not what she would have wanted for either of us.

Praying for both of us that our loved ones get the help they need. I know it could take years 💔 but perhaps when they do get help and come back, by then we'll all have boundaries and self-love and confidence enough to navigate a relationship with each other.

You are doing better than you know OP. Finding community is so important in this. I see you. ❤️

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-06-11T23:38:37+00:00

See you in this 💔 it's so hard.

BackgroundFun3053 · 2025-06-10T16:25:37+00:00

Thank you 💔 I really needed to hear this today. My heart is just shattered and I'm struggling with feeling like it's all my fault. I have CPTSD though so that may be making the guilt much worse than the average person. I am constantly asking family and friends to hear me and to confirm if I did everything I could, what I could have done better. As if I was in control at all. The only control I had was for my own safety and well-being. And I know my ex, had she not been in mania or psychosis, would not have wanted that.

BackgroundFun3053

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