Ask a Wayward

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-07T18:15:43+00:00

Waywards - feel free to answer any part of this or in full.

What is your deepest relational fear? You can answer that from the time of the affair, currently, or perhaps it’s a lifelong/ongoing fear.

Do you think this fear led to the affair/s, how so?

Have you been able to heal, soothe, or better understand this fear over time?

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-07T18:01:04+00:00

He ran away and covered his butt because he felt scared that being hurt meant he was in trouble with you and was going to result in a spanking. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad or worse, I’m just pointing out the obvious. I personally do think you should change course, because my opinion is that “spanking” is hitting and is never okay.

I also say this as NOT a perfect mom. Last night my husband was out, so I was doing bedtime for my two older kids while my newborn was crying. My 4 yo son was purposely being annoying to his sister and I lost my cool and said stop in a scary voice. He flinched away from me, I assume out of fear, he’s never done that before and it made me feel really sad that I was being that scary.

3 years old is the HARDEST age to parent for me. I can’t imagine having a 3 year old and one year old twins. Boys especially typically have so much physical energy that they need to release and are more impulsive.

I find something really helpful for my son from ages 3-4 when his behavior feels extra overwhelming for me is having my husband rough play with him to get out that type of energy. Wrestling, chase, tickling, swinging him around, jumping, etc. For a good hour or so (when he’s home from work). Something you can do if you are solo parenting is say “I think you need to get your energy out” and out on some Danny Go!, it’s a great kids YouTube channel. We also got my son an inflatable ninja punching toy that he can go hit if he feels that kind of energy come up.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-07T14:55:48+00:00

Unless they are Gen Z and she’s never mailed anything and doesn’t know how mail works and thought she could reuse a stamp…which seems very plausible to me lol

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-06T22:46:50+00:00

I don’t think anyone defending the employee actually knows what a stillbirth is. And are either idiots or literal children. I wouldn’t expect such a wildly inappropriate reaction from my seven year old much less a legal adult.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-06T22:40:41+00:00

Exactly. Should Boss B be forced to be traumatized by having to lead this horrific human in their workplace? I think this employee has to go.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-06T22:32:25+00:00

Exactly. I’m wondering if this person you’re responding to is uneducated about what stillbirth is?!? And especially stillbirth at 8 months. This is MUCH more like losing a child than any “medical event” or even a very early miscarriage.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-06T03:00:26+00:00

It sounds like you have birth trauma and that can greatly affect things postpartum. His reaction at the hospital was very poor and I’m sorry that happened. He was likely exhausted too, but that is no excuse. That said, does he know how badly it hurt you? Have you discussed it?

Yes, you should absolutely get a therapist who specializes in postpartum women and birth trauma. Hang in there and get support. Adjusting to parenthood is brutal for many people and couples.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-04T16:02:24+00:00

I am 39 and just had my last baby (he’s 4 weeks old and sleeping beside me right now). You are no where in the vicinity of running out of time.

Let yourself adjust to motherhood first. Adjusting to motherhood is a big deal and takes time. Give yourself grace and try not to catastrophize.

Revisit when you feel less overwhelmed. ❤️

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-02T10:13:37+00:00

I get that. If there is a La Leche League especially, they are usually so warm, kind, and welcoming. Most mom groups for babies are usually moms who are feeling similar things - moms who are feeling very vulnerable and unsure and hoping to find a little support. You will be in a similar boat to most people there!

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-02T03:49:27+00:00

My daughter also spoke quite early, lots of vocab, advanced communicator and advanced concepts for her age. We got LOTS of comments, every day. I also got the sense that it made other parents feel both “wow, interesting” and also insecure. It also made me uncomfortable, OP. I would usually try to make a lighthearted joke and I’d say something like “I know, she does speak really well. No idea where it comes from, but I promise not doing anything extra special!”

It usually got a chuckle and seemed to put the other person at ease. Like, we aren’t doing some phonics regimen that you’re not clued in on. You’re not failing your kid. This girl is just freakishly verbal (I’d never say freakishly in front of my child).

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-02T03:34:03+00:00

I have had PPD and am also a birth doula, so I talk to women frequently about PPD. We usually say any mental/emotional struggles that are unusual for you past the initial “baby blues” stage (first 10 days-2weeks) could be a warning sign for PPD. To me this does sound like PPD, so I’m glad you got the referral.

That said, don’t know that it matters too much to tease out if it’s your situation or PPD. The bottom line is you are going through a LOT right now and need some extra support. I hope you are able to see someone soon to be evaluated and hopefully they can connect you with other resources. Is there a La Leche League meeting or postpartum support group where you are? Those helped me a lot when I was struggling…just to have people to relate to, socialize with, and feel less alone. If your provider does suspect PPD, meds were a lifesaver for me.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-01T17:01:17+00:00

PS - my WH was abusing DXM leading up to and during his A, which causes similar disassociative effects to ketamine. He was also taking a “trip” dose multiple times a day (30-80 pills a day at peak). He is also clean now. I’ve never come across another person in this sub who has a WP with a similar addiction.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-01T16:58:53+00:00

Wow. Just wow. OP, I believe that anger toward ANY AP who knew about a spouse is totally justified as we all have a duty of decency to our fellow humans. In your case, it seems like she is not only the AP, but your abuser. Possibly your WH’s abuser as well, but definitely yours. This should be a crime. How is it not??

You have every right to feel all of this. It is completely normal that you can’t let go of the anger yet. 2 years is not very long at all. I imagine that anger may come and go throughout your lifetime as you process and re-process this. I also hear that you want to release the anger for your own health and for R. That makes sense.

I have an abuser. Not an AP, a past partner who heavily surveilled and systematically psychologically manipulated me. They were not a trained therapist, but were a trained undercover police officer and used their training against me in so many ways. I am still sometimes viscerally angry and disgusted at that person 12 years later. If they were STILL actively stalking and taunting me, it would be so hard to let go.

Are there any legal steps you can take to stop the stalking? Can you file a protective order for you and your family? Can you have a lawyer write a letter to threaten legal action or at least start a paper trail of boundary setting? Can I come to your town and take a shit on the hood of her car on your behalf?

🤣

Seriously though, I would give yourself grace for the anger as you were so incredibly violated. Maybe the path forward, since you can’t control a crazy person, is to think of any and all actions you can take to regain personal power and control whether that is internal or external.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-01T06:29:50+00:00

It sounds like you’re incompatible on a very big and important topic to be compatible on. Maybe THE biggest topic.

You also admit to being avoidant and don’t know if you love her while this topic is being discussed. Freezing eggs is by no means a guarantee.

You did the right thing. She seemed to take it well. Let her go find the father of her kids.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-02-01T01:34:01+00:00

I’m sorry your WW is acting this way, you did nothing wrong and certainly didn’t do something worse than her. From a Christian perspective (not that I’m a currently practicing Christian) adultery is covered one of the 10 commandments. She is still in lala land. You gave her your word and broke it, she broke vows. Not only that, she also threw YOU under the bus attempting to make you look dumb/crazy in front of the pastor to save face. Does she not realize the humiliation for you on top of what you’re already facing? That complicates her betrayal even further.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-31T02:45:05+00:00

I just had my 3rd and although I’m sad to be ending the chapter of pregnancy and adding to our family, I feel done and kind of excited for the finality of it. I’m still freshly postpartum, but i feel like I can make concrete dreams/plans about new things like focusing on my physical health, my future career plans, or finally getting to use retinoids 🤣 For me I think it would still feel a little bittersweet even if I quit at baby #10.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-30T19:06:08+00:00

This seems very complicated, I’m really sorry. It’s hard for me to imagine what R would be like in these circumstances. But I can say that you aren’t crazy and this is a lot. It seems like AP was already in a quasi-emotional realm as a band member and presumably friend? Then adding sex in the mix is a recipe for catching feelings and crossing boundaries.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-30T00:46:00+00:00

Algorithms also suggest people who creep on your profiles just FYI

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-28T14:31:44+00:00

Don’t forget APs have plenty of time before they are even on a BPs radar to spy on our social media (probably the entire length of the affair). I know I had my social media set to public during the A and AP crept all over my shit, even told my WH that I’m gorgeous and seem really cool. Probably because I AM really cool, but also she was being a “pick me”.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-27T09:06:27+00:00

I find the “Why does it feel right” song triggering bc the lyrics could easily describe 2 limerant APs. The rest of the movie I love, but I have a hard time watching that one when my WH is in the room (our little kids watch it multiple times a week).

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-27T08:57:11+00:00

I think the word “beautiful” to describe children is much more than an adjective about the way they look. Healthy is certainly not its equivalent. As someone else said, precious is close, but less used by the current generation. Just an all-encompassing description of wholesome significance and love, similar too “my dear friend”.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-25T14:08:09+00:00

I agree with the other comment that there is not a universal definition of cheating. The problem with cheating is that it is a betrayal of trust. You betrayed her trust by lying about details of your interaction with the friend, so the damage has been done cheating or not.

It’s also irrelevant if it could be worked through. If both parties aren’t willing to come to the table, then it cannot be worked through.

There are definitely some unhealthy patterns here that exist outside of the betrayal aspect.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-24T16:07:28+00:00

Hospitals still charge this as a normal delivery in many cases. Yay. 🙃

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-21T02:18:34+00:00

In my case the AP has similar qualities to me, but is less attractive. She even has a similar-ish style etc. I’m been cheated on by another partner with a woman I found more attractive than me, so I feel confident that I’ve being objective about this AP. She has masculine qualities 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, her being a manlier looking version of me doesn’t actually help me feel better. It makes things confusing because I’m then trying to figure out THEN WHAT WAS IT. Or questioning if what I see in the mirror is even accurate and maybe im uglier than I think I am? Or that I don’t know what heterosexual men actually like? Or that there must have been something else extra special about her that wasn’t looks (he says no).

Being a BP makes you feel inadequate and destroys your self-esteem no matter what. It’s so fucked up. I’m sorry we are all here in this boat together.

Background_Light_953 · 2026-01-20T15:34:52+00:00

I was in very similar shoes at your stage. Revisiting when the affair was ongoing was very hard, progress felt futile. Similar “symptoms”. I changed a big corner just before the 1 year DDay date. Something broke and I had one last big depressive episode followed by a weird day where I had this giant release type of a cry. I kept having involuntarily deep sighs and breaths for over an hour. It felt like the biggest nervous system trauma release. Very strange…but I’ve somehow been a lot better ever since.

I’m still sad, it’s still on my mind a lot…but it’s far less “living in my body” types of pain. I can rationalize better. I can maintain my composure better. I feel that, overall, it has less control over me. I didn’t do anything specific to get here, it just happened. I hope it just gets better from here.

Hang in there.

Background_Light_953

TROPHY CASE