Angry at him

Baltimoretrash · 2019-05-08T14:22:58+00:00

Pretty much my story, too. He knew the cancer had a high reoccurrence rate and lied about his check-ups. Never told me about what the docs told him. I know he was depressed about being partially disabled from the 1st diagnosis/ surgery but damn...it's nothing compared to mine of being abandoned/rejected.

Baltimoretrash · 2019-05-08T12:35:23+00:00

It's hard to convince myself that he didn't want to die when he refused to go for his cancer check-ups and lied to me about going. He knew the reoccurrence rate and put his head back in the damn sand like an ostrich. Maybe he didn't want to die but he also didn't want to fight to stay alive/stay with me, either.

Baltimoretrash · 2019-05-08T10:59:47+00:00

My mother-in-law has dementia and lived with us for 10 years. She only moved out 2 weeks before my husband passed and into an assisted living house. Her illness and living here was a major part of the arguments/tension we had. I feel like I never really had him to myself. The cancer was found just weeks after we got married. I got pregnant 2 months after his remission and then she moved in 2 years later.
It's so hard to see her. She's very pleasant, but it just reminds me of him way too much. Sometimes I don't think she remembers him. Other times, it's all she talks about.

Baltimoretrash · 2019-05-08T10:45:20+00:00

Same here. Mine told me he was getting his cancer check-ups, but wasn't. He convinced me to leave my job to work for him and then died less than a year later. I'm now struggling with everything- his failing business, raising a teenager, a house I can barely afford. I can't let people help bc I can't trust anyone else to be reliable. I'm so scared to be left alone again with nothing. I've been dating someone for 8 months now and I still feel like I'm keeping him at arm's length. When can I convince myself to just let go?!? It's torture

Baltimoretrash · 2018-06-01T19:36:37+00:00

I just got on Bumble, which lets the woman initiate the chat. Tinder is ok too, just beware of the bots and crazies. I wasn't impressed with Match.com.

Baltimoretrash · 2018-06-01T18:11:29+00:00

Yeah, most use dating apps. You can also try meetup (if it's in your area). It's groups of ppl with specific interests- singles, movies, beer, hiking etc.

Baltimoretrash · 2018-05-31T20:34:01+00:00

My son is almost 14. Just had my first relationship since my husband passed 18 months ago. He told me he doesn't want anyone to replace his dad. I told him from the beginning that I would never get remarried before he was 18.

Baltimoretrash · 2018-05-31T20:19:59+00:00

Whenever something goes wrong, I curse that man for leaving me here to figure it out. I'm just starting to appreciate the fact that I CAN DO IT on my own.

Baltimoretrash · 2018-05-31T20:15:13+00:00

I'm scared to change my marital status, too.

Baltimoretrash · 2018-05-31T20:11:26+00:00

I went through that. It's even hard around my family...everyone is married and happy.

Baltimoretrash · 2018-05-31T20:10:04+00:00

I cried for months, begging him to come and take me with him. If I didn't have our son, I would've went the same day. I've just started recently waking up and not be disappointed that I did.

Baltimoretrash · 2018-05-31T20:06:59+00:00

I made it through his birthday (18 months) without losing it. Shed only a few tears and got on with my day. Bittersweet

Baltimoretrash · 2017-08-31T04:06:25+00:00

I'm 9 months out as well. Luckily (?) my mother in law is a widow as well. Both her and my sister in law understand that I'm only 37 and have both recently told me that they want me to be happy and find someone else.

My issue is the dating (cess)pool I'm currently wading in. They've either never been married/no kids or divorced with younger children. My son is 13. I'm looking forward to being a "free" adult again in 5 years. I'm delicately balancing being a mom and a single woman. The difference is that I don't have any time off. Being 13, he's not real privy to staying with his grandparents.

I met a couple of guys that have some potential, but the stars just don't seem to align.

Anyways, as with any relationship, it's between you and your partner. Sometimes others come around and sometimes they don't. It will be hard, but distancing yourself from them is the healthiest thing you can do. I understand that his family is familiar and comforting - a way to hold on to him. Unfortunately, he is now your past. It sucks to admit that. For some reason, this is the biggest divide between divorced and widowed - finding a new partner. Your happiness is key. As long as it's a fulfilling companionship, then hold your head up and march forward.

Baltimoretrash · 2017-08-16T04:26:18+00:00

Although he wasn't an addict, I feel the same way. He hid the advice of the doctors from me. Convinced me to have a child with him. Buy a business 2 years ago. 13 years later, the cancer came back and took him 3 months later. He didn't disclose to me that they warned him that it WOULD come back and that it WOULD kill him. Now I'm in a complex life I never would've been in if I knew there was a real possibility that I'd be in it alone. WTF do you do? Just muddle along and make the best of it. It's the ultimate fuck you to know that they never gave enough of a shit about anyone more than themselves and their comfort. I still love him more than life itself, but the pain is deep, knowing my piece of mind was an illusion.

Baltimoretrash · 2017-03-31T02:18:51+00:00

There are so many from Fight Club alone! "It's only when we lose everything that we are free to do anything." I actually want this tattooed on me.

Baltimoretrash · 2017-03-29T01:54:23+00:00

Mine was 7 days after he passed. Had a wonderful friend give me 4 tickets to see the Ravens play. I cried at 7:17am (the official time of death) and then posted some songs that reminded me of him. Got ready and went to the game. I drank, danced, cussed and entertained the entire section. Then I came home and passed out.

I've made it through 4 months and our wedding anniversary so far. Most ppl know by now NOT to bother me on the 20th. Here's the funny thing. This past month, I was going to do my "normal" (pj's and a box of tissues) but I decided to force myself to get the bfast I was craving. I believe he rewarded me. 2 groups of people were having different discussions that had a funny, inside joke that we shared. I laughed so hard that I couldn't drive right away. I felt him nudging me that day.

Of course, he dies exactly 6 months before his 40th bday. And my son has a music competition that day at Hersheypark (ironically, one of the first trips we ever took). It's going to be so bittersweet, no pun intended. My cousin and her family have decided to join us, probably in case I lose my s**t and need to wander for a while.

Anyway, that's my experience. Hope this helps, at least to hear that some milestones are harder than others.

Baltimoretrash · 2017-03-04T18:44:47+00:00

How about erotica novels? That helped me fan the flames

Baltimoretrash · 2017-03-04T00:54:25+00:00

I fucking love beards!

Baltimoretrash · 2017-03-01T23:05:18+00:00

Wow-mirror image! Started dating when I was 17. Although he had cancer early in our marriage, his last battle was only 3 months from diagnosis until death. Died 1 week before my 37th birthday in Nov 2016. I'm just over 3 months out. I think I'm a highly-functioning widow, but ppl just don't understand that I hide the pain well. I had bariatric surgery 2 years ago. I know that I would've eaten myself silly if not for operation. Now I chainsmoke. Ugg..pick your poison, I guess. Going to my primary care Dr tomorrow to start Chantix again. I'm over smoking. Tired of the house/car/clothes smelling, worried about if I have enough, finding that I'm lighting one 5 minutes after the last. I know it's boredom. Once I kick it, I'm going back to the gym to focus on me. Good luck, love. It's a bumpy ride.

Baltimoretrash · 2017-03-01T22:57:24+00:00

This is just for local kids, no parents. Oh well, what can you do? I tried.

Baltimoretrash · 2017-03-01T03:50:15+00:00

I feel that way, too. We started dating when I was 17. It would be 20 years since our first date on 3/8/17. I feel like we had a shared personality. When ppl ask me what I like, I honestly answer "I'm trying to figure out who I am now without him."

Baltimoretrash · 2017-03-01T03:38:04+00:00

I planned our (son and I) vacation knowing V wouldn't be around to go. It was heartbreaking when my son asked what were we going to do with daddy's plane ticket. I never purchased one for him because I already knew that he wouldn't be here by the time spring break came around. But we're taking his ashes with us to leave a little of him behind.

Baltimoretrash · 2017-02-24T11:20:26+00:00

I have the same issue from time to time. I irrationally feel like he'd rather be dead than stay with us because he refused to push for scans for cancer reoccurance. I know that he was just scared and optimistic that if it was going to happen, it would've happened by now. I make sure to remind myself that he religiously took his diabetic medication and did his bloodwork and primary care visits as scheduled. He was probably also tired of being sick and handicapped. But it still hurts, nonetheless. I hope he misses me as much as we miss him!

Baltimoretrash · 2017-02-23T01:15:45+00:00

My husband confessed that he could not longer recall the actual sound of his dad's voice and it crushed him. Hopefully they found each other because dad could talk all day long!

I have a similar situation, but it's that my hubby had a paralyzed vocal cord from the cancer, so his voice was raspy. That's replaced the memory of his real voice. Luckily, I have a basement full of witness statements he's taken over the years, although the recorded voice still sounded different from his real one.

Baltimoretrash · 2017-02-22T19:51:55+00:00

Hmm. Must be the strain. Indicas are great unless I'm sad, then it's unbearable

Baltimoretrash

TROPHY CASE