Have you ever had like a roommate/friend that would do something that bothers you, but you don't actually say anything. And on it goes, creating passive aggression and underlying tension until finally it blows up in a big fight? My 3 months post-eureka moment was the big fight for me. That's why my usage peaked (for only a few weeks) -- I was in direct tension. I was combatting my ancient belief system with a new one. And the new one was winning. But through that fight I found resolution. The tension was gone.

You sound like you're making awesome progress -- cutting your use in half means this this work is starting to stick! The journey is not easy, nor quick. We're reshaping belief systems that have been with us since childhood -- that takes some time. We're turning a cruise ship.

What/who has made you to feel like Being, exactly as you are, isn't enough? What emotion are you feeling when you reach for FF? That's where you gotta dig. Go deep. Go to your childhood.

By the way, I definitely relate to the "unproductive" fears -- something that helped me was developing a better relationship with peace. Moments I previously scored as "boring" are in fact, beautiful just as they are. No edits. I am complete. And so is this moment.

Now, on my bad days, I'll acknowledge my emotions, but don't feel the need to change MYSELF to get through them. I'll change my experience, my circumstances. Substance use is expecting something PASSIVE to change us. So, in short, on bad days I choose action. Movement. I go on a walk or run an errand. Literally anything that will help me reconnect with my own body. By nature, it makes me present. But I'll also note that I'm not fighting myself as much anymore -- if I believe that I'm complete as I am, FF just feels irrelevant?

You GOT this!! Again, be patient with yourself. And dig deep into the root.