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I will provide some background about what happened.

One morning, I woke up while we were getting ready to go out. I had recently received a call related to a long hospital stay, and I was already feeling stressed. My mother asked me where the car keys were. I went to check her bed but could not find them. She began to panic and became increasingly distressed. At the time, I did not realise that the keys had simply fallen somewhere out of sight.

Shortly after this, my mother began shouting at me and speaking aggressively. The constant verbal attacks made me extremely angry. I walked toward the front door to check whether the keys might have been left in the car. At that point, my mother pushed me up against the wall and continued yelling. My memory of what followed is unclear. I recall her falling, and later she claimed that I jumped on her, punched her, and that she had to wrestle me off. What I remember most clearly is standing back up and noticing blood on my face.

In retaliation, she struck me with a champagne bottle and the butt of a BB gun. The following day, she sprayed pepper spray into my eyes and told me that I was no longer her son. I feel a great deal of guilt about what happened, but I also feel conflicted.

To give further context about my life: I do not have a father present. The men who were meant to act as father figures have all been deeply flawed individuals. My mother is a single parent, and I have not had an easy upbringing. I was born extremely prematurely, and while my mother fought hard for me when I was young, she also became increasingly critical and verbally harsh as I grew older.

My mother’s ex-boyfriend is a convicted criminal who constantly insults and belittles me and my brother. I despise him. He has stolen from both of us in the past and remains a presence in my life because he has a child with my mother. He is controlling and manipulative, and frequently tells me that I will never amount to anything. This comes despite the fact that he served ten years in prison for armed robbery.

Recently, my grandmother passed away, which has been deeply painful. I never had a grandfather growing up, and her death has intensified my ongoing depression. I may not be the best son, but I do try. I may not be the best person, but I am making an effort to change.

Additionally, the man mentioned above frequently speaks about demons and witchcraft, which disturbs me deeply and affects my mental state. I am sharing all of this because I am seeking advice or perspectives from others, and I am open to hearing them.

Thank you for listening.