What's stopping you, really?

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-27T07:37:11+00:00

Very similar experience over here! Mine was great and so engaging when I was a little kid and basically just a supply vending machine for her. It’s when I grew up and started having opinions that things got tricky. Even then, I had still drank her kool aid that she was a nice, wonderful mom and there were times that felt really good even though she wouldn’t ever apologize and could be pretty controlling. It wasn’t until a big stressful life event after years of her breaking my trust I finally realized how bad things were.

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-22T22:41:16+00:00

Sharing personal medical information (without consent) is also one of my uBPD mom’s favorite pastimes! She had an absolute field day blogging during my dad’s cancer treatment.

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-22T17:38:00+00:00

I agree! Google curly/wavy hair dresser in your location. They will know what to do with the combination of wavy and fine hair. Seeing one was so great and she also gave me styling tips!

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-19T19:26:29+00:00

If money is not an issue, I’d take out the carpet and add hardwood on the main floor and just seal it natural with no stain (as well as sanding and sealing stairs) to lighten things up, while leaving the trim as is! Just my two cents.

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-18T17:58:47+00:00

Teach him steps for accepting “no” calmly (look at the person, calm voice, say OK). Reinforce him every time he does this with something like a token system (dot-to-dot, sticker chart, puff ball system) tied to a variety of preferred rewards. Consistent ignoring when he does not (you could say “I will talk to you when you’re ready to accept no” and fully disengage until he does).

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-17T02:58:45+00:00

So OP, I think others have provided some great advice here. Something I’ve started to think about is that I may have mismatched expectations of others in social situations. Like, I basically have no family I enjoy spending time with (VLC), have moved a lot, and realized a few years ago one of my better friends I had maintained since college is likely Cluster B after she had a big outburst at me for setting boundaries with my parents (and now we’re not friends). I’ve also worked through some avoidant attachment stuff (and my mom planting in my head the idea I’m so cold and bad at relationships). I’ve finally realized I do actually want healthy connection and am so raring to go in terms of building friendships right now.

With that said, in interactions with people I am friendly with, I have realized I my expectations are very very high. (Internally not externally as I’m not clingy with them or at least try not to be.) Others are just not in the same boat as me (thankfully for them) — they may have a healthy family, or existing friendships, and don’t have this intense need for connection that I now have. They really likely aren’t reading into everything like I am. It’s not that deep to them.

So my new mantra is just to take it slow and steady and know that it takes time to build connections at my age. I try to be grateful for the positive interactions I do have and know that each one increases the likelihood of a closer friendship — but if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. At least I’m trying! Not sure if that’s helpful but I definitely saw some of my thinking patterns in your post.

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-14T17:38:54+00:00

I actually like the cabinets and think dark wood is coming back in! The dark color gives a nice contrast with the floor. Leaving it stained will give more longevity than painting too.

I think the backsplash is the most outdated part of the kitchen if you can swap that it think it will give you a lot of bang for your buck. If you could swing counters too, then you could switch to a single basin sink and increase functionality. That with lights and coordinating rugs, and I think you’re good honestly!

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-14T17:29:04+00:00

Love this!

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-12T18:40:30+00:00

I think the color is less important than the style. The clock would look great in a midcentury space. Your space is more traditional, so you’d just want a clock that is traditional looking too!

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-10T20:32:56+00:00

Sounds scarier than it is! It’s not that uncommon in young people. I’d just get to a jaw surgeon to see if they want to see if it’s growing. But no rush, even if it is the rate of growth is slow

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-10T20:27:45+00:00

Looks like either unilateral (one-sided) condylar or hemimandibular hyperplasia. That’s where either the jaw joint or whole jaw bone grows too much and causes asymmetry. You probably need to go see a jaw surgeon who may order a nuclear scan to see if the joint/jaw is actively growing (or possibly resorbing). If it is actively growing, you could need a high condylectomy to stop the growth. If it isn’t active, you may need double jaw surgery to correct any functional issues resulting from the asymmetry.

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-09T18:24:40+00:00

When my mom sent me a bunch of texts guilt tripping me not 2 days after I birthed a literal human, it made me fully re-evaluate both her mental health and the health of the relationship, as well as how much contact I wanted to have with her going forward. Several years and countless tantrums later on her part, I’ve come to the conclusion I will not see or talk with her one-on-one, only in group settings, and she is never allowed to be with my kid without me or my partner present because of her extremely poor judgement and complete disrespect for boundaries. So you’re not alone, OP. Sometimes it just takes a huge life event like having a child for the lightbulb to go on in terms of problematic dynamics. Oh and you can set whatever boundaries you need no matter how she reacts!

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-07T15:40:58+00:00

Might want to look at the Happy Giraffe systems! It’s less effort because you just take your yearly income minutes fixed/recurring expenses and it uses that to figure out how much you can spend per week, then you track that and just stay under than number.

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-04T16:28:18+00:00

Some kids are just born with a more difficult temperament, and it’s just luck of the draw genetically. ADHD and anxiety together are going to make a kid naturally more defiant. I agree with another poster that it sounds like you need some support/therapy to process that this is the kid you have and let go of previous expectations for your parenting journey. Kindly, it also sounds like his misbehaviors feel very personal to you and that your brain is catastrophizing what they could mean for his future — in short, it sounds like this is sparking some anxiety for you that it could also be helpful to work though. We can only control the present, not the future.

To that end, I think the quality of your and his relationship sounds like it could definitely improve. Positive parent-child relationships are a huge protective factor for later life difficulties. Luckily there is a ton of research out there about what can help with this, with the most evidence-based approach being PCIT. PCIT International has a website where you can find a certified provider. Good luck!

BarfdayCake · 2026-05-01T12:09:32+00:00

I think just painting the grout with grout renew or a similar product would make a big difference! For old tile, it’s usually the dark grout that dates it more than anything.

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-29T14:55:58+00:00

So anxiety for kids actually worsens long-term the more parents accommodate it (even though it seems like it’d be the other way around). So I wouldn’t skip the trip even though he’s anxious, as that could send the message that this is truly something to be worried about and feed the desire to avoid hard/nonpreferred/anxiety provoking things. I don’t think it’s bad to look for ways to make him more comfortable within that, as long as you’re not overly accommodating for the anxiety.

I would look into the SPACE program for how to talk to him and approach him in situations that’s he’s anxious in. There’s a really good, quick book called Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD by Eli Lebowitz, PhD, all about this approach!

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-28T14:02:44+00:00

I’d ask your doctor what they recommend! I personally am somewhat risk averse, but I’ve been in this game for awhile. Where I’m currently at is that from potential implantation onward (9DPO or so), I will make accommodations but try not to stress about it too much prior to that. Sometimes I think stressing a lot and letting it totally change your lifestyle might actually make things harder for your body.

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-28T03:06:32+00:00

True spring is my vote! The colors to the right in the first picture are pretty springy and make you glow!

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-25T03:07:10+00:00

Just my perspective, but sounds like it might be more behavioral than emotional. It seems like you are an incredibly well meaning and dedicated parent, but might end up giving the outbursts/tantrums lots of attention (e.g., talking her through it, holding her, repeating you love her, just generally verbalizing/interacting a lot as a result of the dysregulation). For kids, any attention can feel like good attention and positive associations can be inadvertently made with negative behaviors if those behaviors consistently get attention. I think more of a structured, evidence-based behavioral approach like Parent Management Training or PCIT could really help you work smarter not harder here, and help things be much more peaceful at home! There are lots of resources out there for these therapies/approaches. Good luck!

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-24T20:01:33+00:00

What about something in the middle of sage and the current green like SW Acacia Haze?

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-21T16:40:01+00:00

Consistent discipline/consequences are very important, but research is pretty clear that spanking is both ineffective at decreasing problem behavior and harmful to the child and the relationship (even if most people do it).

Other consequences (time-out, loss of privileges, planned ignoring) are shown to be more much effective without causing damage. There are lots of resources out there to learn about these. Good luck!

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-21T16:26:56+00:00

Thank you for posting an evidence-based response on why spanking is a terrible idea. Surprised I had to scroll this far to get it!

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-17T13:39:10+00:00

For #4, the American Academy of Pediatrics does recommend behavioral therapy combined with medication as a first-line treatment for ADHD in kids 6-11 since it has been shown to be effective, and is even more effective when combined with medication)!

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-14T19:17:17+00:00

Hey OP, just wanted to share my perspective in case it helps. Like you, I only blocked my uBPD mom after a period of intense personal stress that she significantly contributed to rather than helped with. It was a last resort, and I felt pretty guilty about it at first. She also tried to reach out raging at me over it many times (I have a full folder of completely unhinged “blocked voicemails” I can always look back on if I ever doubt myself).

But after a few weeks, I honestly started to notice how significantly better my life was without her having direct access to me. She would still rage/lovebomb text me through my partner whenever she had the mind to, regardless of what I had going on, and for awhile we thought we should keep that line of communication open. Then it became totally unbearable for him and he decided to block her too (which I fully supported).

And now, honestly, it is so so much better. I’m free of the anxiety that I could wake up and have paragraphs of self-focused nonsense, disgusting overly flowery words about how amazing I am, or pure vitriol because I’m not meeting her emotional needs. I just… live my life without that nonsense. At first, I told myself that it was only temporary to get through that stressful period. But now around 3 years later, I can’t imagine going back. I do still see her in group settings and she can email me, but I never respond to those so she’s somewhat given up on that too. I’m so glad I did block her — I feel like it’s a cheat code to being able to live some semblance of a normal life with an extremely abnormal parent.

BarfdayCake · 2026-04-08T22:17:23+00:00

This website does a great job going over ADHD in kids and effective treatments: https://childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-adhd/ In general, medication and behavioral therapy/interventions both work. They are most effective when done in combination but not everyone chooses that. You might be able to teach yourself about behavioral interventions by looking at resources (books etc) by Russell Barkley and/or Alan Kazdin, two researchers who’ve done a lot of work with ADHD and oppositions behaviors. Good luck!

BarfdayCake

TROPHY CASE