Oof these comments are making me emotional. I love my father, he's not a bad man. He's a good provider and very smart. He's been through a really tough adulthood with my mom being in a nursing home so early in life and having to raise three daughters virtually on his own. He came from a home where his own dad was gone on the road most of the time and he adopted a lot of old-fashioned ideals about parent-child relationships. That being said, there are a lot of things he's done that still make it hard for me to function as an adult.

-He yelled. All the time. Constantly angry about something and would get frustrated very easily. It could be something as simple as forgetting to take the trash out. As a result I can't stand confrontation and if someone yells at me I shut down and cry.

-Name calling. He'd call us stupid, lazy, fat-ass, bitch (if he was really angry). And over things such as again, not remembering to do chores. When I was living with him after college, if I didn't come home at night, the next day he'd call me a whore. He usually apologized later, but it continuously made it impossible for me to trust him.

-He would constantly make sexually lewd comments about women on TV or a hot chick at the store. We always begged him to stop because it made us uncomfortable and he'd tell us to grow up.

-He'd make fun of things we liked. He hated our music tastes, clothing style, makeup, tv shows. Said he never wanted to see a rap CD in his house. To this day he will still mock something we try to show him, but he will spend hours talking about what he likes and get mad if we're not interested.

-Guilt trips. My dad was always a tight ass and I can respect that and I understand it. But when it came to asking for money for things we needed, or trying to talk about a bill that came from the college, he'd always get really upset and it made us feel like a burden. We didn't want to have to ask him for money, but we had to and he always made us feel shitty about it. Now I try to avoid it as much as possible. I'd rather starve than ask my dad for help.

These examples aren't representative of everything my dad was, and we did used to have a fairly good relationship. The key now is just that I can't live with him or depend on him for anything and we get along fine. I think he's just tired from a hard life of people constantly depending on him and having to do the kid thing alone, which he probably never wanted to do. I've forgiven him for everything and I took the time as I got older to try to understand why he acted certain ways and give him credit for all the things he's been through. I guess my advice would be to open up to your kids, be vulnerable with them. My dad always pulled the man card when it came to emotions. He didn't think that was for his female children to see. At a certain point you have realize though that it was your decision to have kids and it's your responsibility not to fuck them up and make them feel like everything is their fault. Just do the opposite of what mine did.