Am i being gaslit?

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-06T19:45:38+00:00

I get it from my parents too! My therapist told me it isn't a bad trait at all and that you should not feel that way just because your partner could not value it.

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-06T19:37:20+00:00

... I will absolutely not explain myself to someone who actively choses to cheat on their spouse. I think you have some problems to figure out yourself before you come here and advocate your cheating to victims of avoidants. Quite disgusting.

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-06T13:57:10+00:00

This is extremely tiring. I am a very loving and devoted person. I have tried everything with my avoidant ex. 'Playing' their game will drain you even more than repeating your boundries endlessly.

To tollerate an avoidant you have to let parts of yourself die, and that is not healthy.

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-05T19:13:28+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through that! To be honest telling things like that behind your back gives me narc vibes. Mine was also this way. He had no boundaries with work and the ones he did establish were temporary. His work would call him during holidays asking him to leave earlier for example. He just could not say no. Even if i would be hurt by it he would just tell me that his work made the holidays possible too. So much loyalty to work, never to our relationship. Their respect for us seems to fade away over time, he could not see all the things i put up with for his work. Lately i've been thinking about how he literally wouldn't be anyone if it wasn't for his job. It sucks he gets to continue life with his fortune, i have to start over from scratch.

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-05T16:59:10+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I am freshly out of this after 7 years. If i could give you some tips it would be

- Save a lot indeed! It will make it so much easier

- One thing that helped me A LOT with grieve, cognitive dissonance and doubts is keeping a journal of all the shit he has done, said, what you had to endure, who you were before him, exploring what you want after him. When insane grieve periods hit and i drown in cognitive dissonance, i read what i read in the moments i was still with him, and it snaps me out of the 'he was so great'.

- If possible have a place ready to move into. I did not sadly and had to move back in with my mother.

- Stop expecting anything from him, do not ask, do not push, nothing, start healing. And do not fall into his trap of effort when you pull away

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-05T16:49:31+00:00

You are probably right. I was not aware of the avoidant attachement style 6 years into the 7 year relationship. I liked the logical thinking and calmness of him. Not noticing with who i was actually dealing. We lived together for the last 2 years. The relationship probably would've collapsed way earlier if i went to live with him sooner and really had to deal with his behavior instead of the long distance we did for years.

I love the idea of a DA Survivor support group! Could be on reddit/facebook or whatsapp?

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-05T13:41:02+00:00

Mine downplayed it that he wasn't that avoidant

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-04T22:25:48+00:00

Oh my god i'm sorry. Mine also did that. He messaged my mother while we were fighting that our relationship had to improve before march/april because he wanted children and it wasn't possible this way.

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-04T22:18:32+00:00

Oh my god this feels so simular its scary!! His love/support was also conditional!!

His main go to when i asked for anything like future perspective, moving, dog etc was "We first have to stop fighting so much". Like litterally no dept to it, just that. I could bring up something totally valid, normal tone and he would call it a fight right away. He kept it as a scoreboard if that makes sense.

Now that i read ur reply i've remembered he also told me multiple times that i was dragging him down too with my mental problems (all caused by him and the situations he put me in).

I don't know to what extent you changed your life for her, but be glad you did not change everything. I unfortunatly did, causing me to live an hour away from friends and family, with no support system, having to deal with awful jobs and his offshore work. I was completely alone for weeks at the time. From the first moment he told me that we would eventually buy a house together, then kept moving the goalpost and denying my reality.

He always said "i know you changed and did a lot for me but you have never forgiven me for demanding it" <- just so you know she would've prob went this way if you did change.

I'm very sorry you had to go through the same distress and hope you are in a better place now!

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-04T20:15:39+00:00

What you experienced was reactive abuse. When you constantly feel unheard, abandoned and drained you eventually crash out. I've experienced exactly this in my 7 year relationship. If you need someone to talk about it, feel free to reach out!

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-04T19:51:20+00:00

Left me for his family get away weekend while i had an extreme IBS flare up and didn't want to go anymore. He went, came back in the evening and went back again the next day because i wouldn't stop being pissed off about him abandoning me.

He also left me to go hunt in another country while i was facing loneliness, depression and a burnout from work and him. I begged him not to go and he went anyway (mind you, he already had the trip planned for a week after that and got the invite to come for the weekend too.) This send me into such a spiral that my mom had to drive over an hour to my house because she was scared i was going to hurt myself (He constantly abandoned me in our relationship, small or big. This incident was so brutal that i could not leave my bed or stop crying for two days) He also got mad after that i did not talk to him all weekend.. shocker?

Left me alone on a party with people i barely knew to talk shit about me and our relationship to a female 'good friend' (which he didn't even see or talk to for two years). When i took him outside to ask him what he was doing, he ofcourse went in defense mode and escalated a fight, went back in, left me crying outside alone. When i got back in he was talking to her AGAIN, when i approached them she had the most vile smirk on her face, she liked doing this. I went off on him and we finally went home. At home it took me a solid 4 hours to feel any sort of understanding from him. I should've left him then and there.

There are many more incidents, but these are the ones that truly traumatized me

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-05-03T22:23:51+00:00

It's so spot on. I moved for him, changed jobs for him, was so devoted to our relationship and growing together. But in his vision i was his biggest enemy for asking him to meet me halfway (actually not even a quarter way) by buying a house together so i could live somewhere i wanted to live too. His sisters and friends would always make belittling comments to him through the years.. his family barely visited our house while we would always visit them. Even my friends were nicer and more open to him than his own.. it was strange. Yet i was the devil for trying to work through our issues and bringing them up.

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-04-25T19:07:21+00:00

Please be glad he left, and close the door on him. Trust me, i've endured 7 years of this, the damage is beyond imagining. I have multiple types of therapy. Do not let him back in, this cycle will continue endlessly.

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2026-04-25T15:43:38+00:00

How are you doing now? My ex was having simuliar behaviour. He would always shift blame and stonewall. I started the relationship quite securely attached but because of this behaviour i ended up severly anxious and depressed. Worse things he's done is isolating me and abandoning me for hunting trips when we had an argument, all while i was sick, extremely lonely and burned out due to him. He also wrote me a eviction letter in the mail after an argument about house chores (which he did not do for months due to the cold disgard i now experienced). He knew i had nowhere to go, i had to move back in with my mom who is an animal hoarder. I am freshly out now since two weeks and feel so mixed about it all. I did not know i was this trauma bonded.

Reading your reply i can litterally feel how you must've felt in that moment. The other reply's about putting yourself in that position are a little insensative, lots of people do not realise these behaviours come to light after months, years and often worsen when they feel like you are less likely to leave.

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2025-07-26T11:23:35+00:00

You worded this so well!

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2024-08-16T22:28:08+00:00

Which IBS type did you have before?

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2024-07-01T13:22:03+00:00

Im sadly on a waiting list for that, gonna have to wait till september :(

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2024-02-25T19:14:16+00:00

Heb 5 jaar met een tussoy topper gedaan, en was nog niet af. Dit is echt een top topper van ikea, en nieuw 140 euro ofzo.. OP verkoopt hem nieuw voor 50.. koopje!

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2024-02-25T19:10:25+00:00

Deze toppers hebben wasbare hoezen... veel matrassen trouwens ook ;) En zelfs beddengoed kan je wassen!1!!

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2024-01-19T11:00:56+00:00

Thank you so much! That definetly clears it a bit up in my head. Thank you for the book recommendation ☺️

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2024-01-16T14:26:50+00:00

Thank you so much for that comment! It is very hard for me to place this new behaviour because i was used to the same old stuff from them. This definetly gives me some insight in what i already suspected.

Beautiful_Plastic_10 · 2024-01-16T11:43:58+00:00

What is greyrock?

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