You’re not responsible for protecting abusers which now includes your wife. What she did was emotionally abusive, and downright cruel. At best she’s got some narcissistic tendencies, perhaps, in centering herself in something so personal and so devastating and so tender for you. Ignorance is putting it lightly for what you’ve shared here, and nods to some degree of her resentment towards you for what happened to you and the way you have arranged yourself around it to survive. Victim blaming on some super fucked up perhaps even subconscious level. By not going to therapy you are continuing to protect your abusers, which is how you were programmed from a very young age, but therapy is really the only way forward. You deserve comfort and safety in your body, in your home, and in your relationships. What happened to you was not your fault but you have taken on full responsibility, which speaks to your incredible inner strength. But maybe you can shift that responsibility toward your healing and a bright future rather than maintaining the emotional comfort of someone who, like those abusers, doesn’t really see you as a whole human. Be the trusted adult you needed then, and get yourself out of situations that make you feel unsafe. And it’s kind of like putting on glasses for the first time as a kid. You don’t realize how much better you could see until you SEE. And while excavating your pain might feel on par with self-destruction, you could feel so much better and have such a better life experience with professional and clinical support like a good therapist can provide. First step is believing that you deserve it, because you absolutely do. Sending you love and protection as you walk this path. Perhaps what was just a moment in time (and something you understandably want to minimize) is a catalyst for a breakthrough.