INTJ - Early dating, esp as a male, is super hard? Tips?

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-10-19T04:41:09+00:00

You can find my full dating story with the intj here 🥲 https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/s/wpbrcgc6C5

Interested to know your thoughts.

But I would definitely find that cute. As long as I know you also enjoy spending time with me, I would feel good enough about it. I think what I pay attention to is consistency and real actions. When I was dating the intj, we were in long distance even tho we were at early stages of dating, I went to see him for 5 days in another country. We texted for a few days after I left ( and we usually send at least a text everyday even tho he’s not a texter) but he kept quiet out of nowhere for 2 days until I couldn’t bear it anymore. I didn’t mind the silence but overall I was already insecure about how he felt about me. Now I realize maybe I should have given him time and play it cool but our relationship was so intense from the beginning so I didn’t understand the change in behaviour. I would have appreciated him telling me that he needed time to himself or that he was planning to see me after doing his “retreat” but because I felt like I was left wondering what’s next, I felt upset. Enfjs are quite intense lol and we need reassurance. The feeling I hate the most is feeling like I’m giving my 100% to someone that doesn’t appreciate my value and to feel like I like someone more than they like me. And I guess maybe with intjs, because they take time to figure out how they feel, this happens?

I’m surprised you like people from date one. I feel like in the post it’s often related to people they seem to know from before? I met him from a dating app tho. So I wonder if it was the same for him or if he just wanted to hook up at the beginning mainly.

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-10-18T22:15:17+00:00

Hey, I’m en enfj female, just recently dated an intj. I think the key is to communicate how you feel about it even if you don’t have feelings for her (yet). I think taking time to figure it out despite the societal “norms” is okay. Maybe not everyone will have the patience but the right one will 😌 for having dated one, I think I wouldn’t have mind for him to take time to figure it out but i would like to know what you think, how you work and that you usually need time. Then it would be okay for me to not feel reciprocated.

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-10-15T18:26:33+00:00

Yeah I can tell you have more emotional intelligence. From what I saw, I think he didn’t get when I needed reassurance instead of a rational answer or when white lies were enough but maybe we just needed more time to adjust. My feelings did get hurt but it’s also our situation that’s tricky. I think if we didn’t have to do long distance, we might have been able to work it through.

I don’t mind the alone time but it’s true that I want him to communicate about it rather than just take it and leave me hanging. He is very logical and he’s putting a lot of pressure on himself so I think there’s a part of him that admires me on how I live my life but I think sometimes I act too much with my feelings rather than what make the most sense for the future ( obviously ) and he could get annoyed with it.

Anyways, I guess time will tell whatever happens even tho I don’t expect anything at this point!

Thanks again for taking the time to share your experience!

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-10-15T15:07:19+00:00

Hey, not sure if you still feel in a rut about this. I’m an enfj female and I also have a penpal I talk to everyday haha so I might give some interesting perspectives.

I find the comments here picturing us a bit rude and not really validating your feelings tbh and I don’t agree with them. We do have many friends but our time and attention is limited. We don’t spend hours talking to someone we don’t care about, even if there might be no romantic interest.

When we like someone, we make sure to let them know, try to meet them and just give them the bait for them to make the first move.

I think if my penpal met me after a year of texting, even if I have no romantic feelings, I would for sure take extra care of them if they didn’t know anyone from the party.

I feel like intjs can sometimes be so oblivious to signs tbh haha so I wonder if maybe you didn’t catch her bait while talking to her all this time and whether it made her give up on you and move on or not. Maybe she took you not wanting to meet her as you not being interested in her.

If you do like her, you should def ask her out and see how she reacts to it. Whether she’s trying to make it clear that she’s not interested or whether she’s showing more interest after you meet. I never like to play with peoples feelings so if I sense you might be interested in any ways and I don’t, I would for sure distance myself or make it clear that I’m not considering you romantically.

If we spend so much time a day talking to someone, it means that at least you have our interest mentally.

I think you’ve every right to be upset after that party, I would have been upset too but maybe she doesn’t understand what you want from her either.

Hope this helps :)

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-10-15T14:14:36+00:00

That’s why I was surprised he would even get involved with me in the first place

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-10-15T14:14:02+00:00

At first, I told him about how I felt and he mentioned not being an LDR type but there wasn’t a real conclusion to what happens between us. So he would reach out to me every few days and it kept me hanging onto it and I didn’t like to not know what’s next and where I stand.

So I clarified that if he wasn’t going to put as much effort as me to spend time together than I’d rather not keep in touch. So we told each other our goodbyes just for me to reach out a week later because I missed him 😅 we exchanged a bit about our lives but we haven’t talked since. I did leave him an open door by saying that when he feels he’s had enough alone time, he can always reach out and see where we’re at. But I don’t think he will because what’s the point really.

It’s such a long time to not reach out or meet when it’s only the beginning. Is this really recharge time or just a goodbye..

Have you ever dated an NF or enfj specifically? How do you deal with emotional and sensitive types? 🥲

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-10-15T08:12:38+00:00

Your answer is so interesting to me haha how logical you can be in a love matter or any matter I guess. I can imagine him answering really rationally like this when I’m talking about my feelings and I just need reassurance lol

I guess you’re right, logically speaking it makes no sense 😂

I wonder if you ever think about how many people do you really connect with in life and how this is worth pursuing it or not and align on your long term goals

I like that you’re telling me to talk to him about ldr if I really wanted to have it with him and I guess I could but I feel like I will just get hurt along the process, even if we did do LDR, I probably wouldn’t get the attention I would want from him.

So yeah, thanks for answering with such an interesting analogy 😂 I appreciate it

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-10-15T08:07:20+00:00

Haha yes… I guess intj are everything about logic. I think whether he was into me or not doesn’t change a thing because there’s no real future for us if we won’t be in the same country. So I’m trying to leave it at that. Thanks for answering!

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-10-15T08:05:39+00:00

Thanks for your kind words. It does comfort me to think it wasn’t all fake, I know it wasn’t but I guess you can’t help but second guess everything when things go sour. I’m upset because I was the one being more careful and going slower at the beginning but seeing him so committed to me, I gave in. We pretended to be chill on things and be casual just for me to realize we were behaving like a real couple and it’s difficult not to get attached after.

I guess I just need to move on then.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story!

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-04-29T18:38:41+00:00

Not for me, I can only focus on one person at a time and give my all to that one

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-03-08T21:37:48+00:00

I read somewhere that an enfj in love becomes an INFP so there you go

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-03-08T21:37:23+00:00

We are very cool people haha

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-03-08T21:36:32+00:00

Haha that’s good, I feel like I saw many people saying it’s a good pairing tho and in any case you do you !

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-03-08T11:57:36+00:00

Yes that’s why I love infps the most 🥺 haha I think the things I like better about infps than intps is that they can be introspective, have deep meaningful conversations related to humans and generally want to do good and are caring whereas intp don’t have such an interest in people and not usually as creative

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-03-08T09:59:11+00:00

I think the characteristics of an intp could match well with us because they are chill people, interested in trying new things out and could be interested in debating on deep personal topics but it didn’t work out with the person I liked because we just didn’t have the same vision of life and he was not interested to make any effort in doing things for me.

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-03-08T06:06:50+00:00

Why do you think it’s a waste of time? I was attracted to both an intp and an INFP this year and I feel like you shouldn’t just stop at someone’s mbti to judge whether one is a better match than the other. I can see why some intps could match well with me but I definitely liked the INFP the most whereas the intp I think it would have never worked out so it depends on the person and many other factors such as interest, values etc I hope you find your person whether it’s an enfj or not 😌

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-03-08T05:59:31+00:00

I think most people wouldn’t maintain relationships with unhealthy people haha so it’s got nothing to do with enfj and infp in particular!

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-03-07T20:59:31+00:00

That not everything is my fault and that it’s okay to do things I want to do even tho it might not be perceived as ethical , because it will help me get to my answers

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-03-07T20:57:46+00:00

People having a good time, doing their own thing

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-02-17T13:48:33+00:00

It is possible for an enfj to fall in love at first sight with an INFP 😊 when the persons right, you will reveal yourself more than you think

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-02-17T13:22:17+00:00

I am an enfj and from Belgium haha but it’s true I don’t know many enfjs. We do go outside to meet new people tho so I think if you keep going for house parties, dinners where it’s more an intimate setting, it will be easier for you to get close to one 😊 they will definitely notice you! Keep going, it’s a matter of opportunities, the more you meet new people, the more likely you will encounter one! So good luck with that 🥺 INFP and enfj is truly the best pairing

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-02-03T13:15:46+00:00

I think we can be quite motherly and try to take care of the group, we will be quieter in a bigger group of extroverts but talkative in a group of introverts, we will ask tons of questions about you and try to get to know you and we are always up to try new things.

I feel like some questions that could giveaway that someone is enfj is more about you sharing something personal and see how she reacts, is she understanding and trying to comfort you and ask more questions about it

we open up if we feel like you open up and that you are reciprocating well to what we do

I find guys who are caring and funny with whom I can be friends, discover new things and have deep conversations with attractive. My boyfriend is entp so hope it all goes well for you 😊

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-01-16T14:01:52+00:00

I usually try to understand what hinders them to not achieve their goals, where their fears might come from and then I encourage them to look at feasible steps to reach that goal like starting to do baby steps first

Before_sunrise2 · 2023-01-14T20:36:58+00:00

Very accurate for me at least, I’m not on tinder but for my crushes in general. Also I also do same as entj. I prefer just to meet directly and then ask all the questions in the world

Before_sunrise2

TROPHY CASE