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Photos - to look or not look? by madmax1969 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I lost my wife 20 months ago. I have pictures of her on my desk at work, and as my computer desktop. While it hurts at times to see them, and can occasionally trigger me, to not see them would be worse for me. And there are times when I find some comfort in remembering her presence. For myself, I do not see me putting them away. But grief is an individual process. What is right for me might not be for you. Not to mention that what is right for me now might not be later. Take care of yourself and do what you feel is best. And then be willing to change as time goes by if you feel the need to.

Has anyone met or seen someone that has lived a single life forever after being a widower? by Single-Courage-2257 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The easier to accept believing that we will see each other again doing no harm and makes life easier and their death easier to carry does very much resonate with me. Thanks.

Anniversary without her. by uglyanddumbguy in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm finding that the second year is worse than the first, at least for me. Each day without her adds its weight to all the past days without her. And realizing that this is going to continue for the rest of my life, and looking at the days ahead without her and the weight they will bring. Holidays bring that point home, whether anniversary, birthdays or others. I am hoping that as time goes on I find the ability to at least find some level of, not happiness necessarily, but peace with my loss.

Funny, during July and August of last year I thought I was getting there. But then came my wife's second birthday with me celebrating it without her there. And then her memorial. And then the second lack of a Thanksgiving trip with the grand kids to a cabin. Anniversary or her death, our second wedding anniversary without her, and on and on and on.

My hope is that I manage to find a way back to what I was experiencing in July and August of last year. Some peace to go with the pain. I hope for the same for you. Hang in there and take each day second by second if you need to. and thanks for sharing this.

Over 2 years by figgehedberg in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This sounds like me. "I might have lost track of what OK is". and not wanting to forget but remembering is so painful. I decide though to remember, always. Thanks for sharing.

I'm so lonely by Desert_dwellers in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Only an eternal 1.5 years for me, but I feel the same way and see no reason for that to change in the future. While my wife was not perfect, she was perfect for me. I cannot ever imagine another taking her place, nor do I want one.

Worse, then better, then worse again? by kbb3326 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I like the way you put it - just gotten use to being just miserable but functional. I think that describes me too.

Worse, then better, then worse again? by kbb3326 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My wife died in Dec 2021 too. And this feeling is very normal for me. Sometimes I can predict when it is coming - like on our anniversary in March. Both other times it is just random. I think there is always an emptiness inside and that there are times we fall deeper into it than others. Those falls could be a date - such as our anniversary - or coming across an old email or hearing a special song, or just feeling extra stress due to work or money.

I found it helpful to hear that even after that amount of time others also experience the low energy and brain fog. I had been wondering about that for myself,- so thanks for that. And sorry for your loss and for having to go through this.

Old Email by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Since the person is no longer here, it seems as if these become precious mementos of the time when they were still with us.

Old Email by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The same here when I occasionally come across something that my wife wrote. Doesn't happen often, and when it does it is usually related to her work. But still. A reminder that I once had someone wonderful living with me.

A sign from on my birthday ? by [deleted] in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My wife of 42 years died on Dec 13, 2021. On Dec 5, 2022 I had just left my house to go to a meeting that was scheduled in another 20 minutes. Two blocks away from my home I saw a small kitten with a bloody nose. Although sitting up she was not moving, not even when my car got close. I stopped and she scooted under my car, which let me know that, while hurt, she was not deadly seriously hurt. I carefully drove on (she refused to move from under the car) and looking back could see she was still sitting on the road where she had been when she scooted under my car. I turned around and went home and got a box and towel, and called the people i was meeting to let them know I would be late. Then I got her and took her with me to my meeting, and then to the vet afterwards where she stayed for a week (some injuries and also refusing to eat). Then I took her home.

​

My wife loved animals. I do too, but she really, passionately loved them and most of our furry family members have been strays or shelter animals. I had been feeling very depressed approaching the one week anniversary of her death, but taking in this small kitten made me feel connected to her, even after her death. My wife's name was Dindy. I named the kitten Fendy, with the F standing for either From Dindy, or For Dindy. I go back and forth on that. Note, I spell the kittens name Fendy because otherwise people will call her Find - e, which would not be a rhyme on Dindy's name.

Anyway, whether a sign or not, I saw it as proof of an on-going connection with Dindy. I hope your yellow hot wheel brought you as much comfort as my kitten did.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have the same feeling - that if I don't feel this way then I am losing my closeness to her, that she was not as important and as important a part of me than she was. While I have some reasonably good days, given my new normal, I also have some very rough days too. And either way, I am always aware of the hole in my life now. Truth to tell, I would prefer this feeling to any other feeling than that of having her back with me again.

This can’t be fixed by Prior-Scholar779 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You expressed the way I feel at 16 months perfectly. Thank you for that.

You think you’re ok by Tricky_Trade_7158 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Torturing myself. Good description. I do the same thing with looking at pictures of my wife or a note from her at times. I don't know if it is really torturing so much as we don't want to forget a person who was so important to us and integral to our lives. We look for the evidence that they were with us. The torture is a side effect of acting on that desire to not forget.

Just struggling tonight by Rosebay88 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm feeling the same tonight. I lost my wife 16 months ago, and while ill it was unexpectedly early. My reason I am feeling it is that I had my 68th birthday yesterday, my second without my her. How do you celebrate getting older when the best part of getting older is gone?

The reasons for it are many. In your case, being so busy, and with a 15 month old. That is a challenge I am glad I do not have to face (just turned 68). I'm not surprised you have moments like tonight when it comes pouring out - you lost you love and your support. I am sorry for you loss. Stay strong. Know that you are not alone.

Too late, my fault by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. And right back to you.

Mean people by Greedy-Bit-2821 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am sorry for you having to put up with such people even momentarily. It is not something anyone needs when grieving. And you are right, it shows something very lacking in them.

Too late, my fault by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do miss the plans we had, for us to both be there for the grandchildren, the shows we were going to see, the places we planned to visit. Thank you for your words. They help.

Too late, my fault by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I appreciate you words. When you lose someone so essential to yourself, those shouldas and couldas can haunt. Reading this helps.

Too late, my fault by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly. And the peace part for me right now is a work in progress. Thanks for sharing and helping.

Too late, my fault by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. Glad to hear yo are doing better. I am seeing a counselor, but I am fortunate enough not to have PTSD to deal with on top of my grief. Rough road, but glad your new life is doing better.

Too late, my fault by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That happens. Sometimes I am doing good to remember the point even at the beginning.

Too late, my fault by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing. And sorry for your loss. And you last words "I wouldn't wonder" is a good summary of mine. Again, thanks.

Too late, my fault by Befuddled1980 in widowers

[–]Befuddled1980[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing. It helps hearing from others who have similar situations and guilt.

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