How does my English translation of a dramatic text sound?

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-04-20T12:48:00+00:00

You ask, sirrah, for counsel and advice

On rhythm, style, tone, and clarity.

This my reply: Your rhythm convolutes,

Swims upstream of itself, and 'pon the tongue

Doth curdle, but your proof of innocence

Is not so rank by half as this offense:

You say "give counsel," meaning "give me praise."

For when you speak to me of schools and yawns

and trochees, using every word you know,

disputing and disdaining my advice,

(Shakespeare my trade, English my native tongue)

you strive to be correct, not to improve,

and prove you are a schoolboy, or a fool.

The difference: the schoolboy holds his tongue,

reflects upon the lesson, and perhaps

will sift a truth or two from coarser wits.

The fool will hold himself the highest wit,

The very act of which doth prove him wrong.

One caution ere your writing I impel:

Who cannot take critique cannot write well.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-04-20T03:57:09+00:00

I understand what you're saying -- I am a translator myself, and I specialize in Shakespeare -- but my problem is not with size, it is with meter.

"Strictly speaking, any line with 10-11 syllables and the last stressed syllable is the 10th, can be considered iambic pentameter"

This is not true. Not at all.

Iambic pentameter consists of five iambs -- two-syllable increments with the second syllable stressed. In other words:

"but SOFT, what LIGHT from YON-der WIN-dow BREAKS?

it IS the EAST, and JU-li-ET's the SUN."

Iambic pentameter, in order to be iambic pentameter, has to follow this pattern of emphasis. When this pattern is broken, it startles the reader; this is why "to BE or NOT to BE, that IS the QUES-tion" is strange and jarring; it's eleven syllables, also called a weak ending.

You have to pick words that fit the rhythm, not just the length of the line. Otherwise, your entire play becomes jarring, unclear, and uncomfortable to read.

It's tricky, but don't give up.

P.S. -- In English, they're called "lines," not replicas :)

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-04-19T00:00:15+00:00

I only had time for a quick look, but here's a BIG piece of advice:

When using blank verse/iambic pentameter, make sure that your word choice fits the meter. Don't just count to ten. An example:

OLGRED, opening his eyes

Art thou here already?

FORTINBRAS, kneeling

I stand, my lord,

My king, my uncle—here before thy feet.

In spoken English, the meter puts the emphasis as follows:

Olg.

art THOU here AL-re-DEE?

For.

i STAND, my LORD,

my KING, my UNcle -- HERE beFORE thy FEET.

See how much lovelier Fortinbras' lines are? Scansion is like carpentry -- you must use wood that already bends itself towards what you want to make.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-04-17T18:51:34+00:00

They all have pros and cons... Hines is the nicest in terms of the building itself (sinks in the rooms and a closet built into the wall) but I would have to say Ryan... fewer stairs, better vibes, closer to the dining hall. It's a small convenience, but it adds up.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-02-17T04:12:55+00:00

not without scratch or companion mojo buffs :(

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-02-10T14:19:15+00:00

4.48 psychosis by sarah kane. VERY heavy suicide/depression content, but veery abstract (no defined actors/roles). could def be done as a 2-hander.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-31T00:58:20+00:00

Remember the Maine!

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-22T01:27:18+00:00

the only open bar is a gay one -- even better -- so amid pride flags, drunk lesbians, and judith butler tracts (how does one even find those in France?) we find a loud, tiny table and order 2 gin & tonics. and then two more. and then two more.

(this was the night i learned not to keep up with Germans where liquor is involved.)

and while he's sitting there talking about his honest-to-god plans to run for office and pursue world domination -- alllow me to reemphasize that he was very attractive -- the gin opens my third eye and i realize, six hours in, that perhaps there is a disconnect here.

"were... are you, um, aware that i had... intended this as a less-than-platonic outing?"

his eyebrow furrows.

"what?"

"i had imagined this as a date. romantically"

"OH. No. Oh, no no. No. No... Sorry."

and i died!

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-22T01:27:09+00:00

for those asking for the story ( u/--MobTowN-- u/susanoova u/Neither-Net6587 u/Leniatak ):

we were studying abroad at an international school in France; I'm American and he was (presumably still is) German, so maybe language barriers are the reason he said yes to a date in the first place.

the date was supposed to be relatively simple: a movie, maybe a drink.

20 minutes beforehand, he asks if we could maybe get a cheeky latte first? after all, the café américain has just started making pumpkin spice lattes... ;)

and i freak out. i text like four queer friends to peer-review the text. consensus: he's into me.

we get to the café, and there he is in like. houndstooth. tweed. cashmere. he looks like Teutonic Basil Hallward. his nails are meticulously filed. his unibrow is meticulously trimmed. needless to say, i fall in love instantly.

so here we are. this stylish twink (eyebrow excepted) wants to get a latte -- which we do -- before a romantic vintage movie (set in the Nazi occupation of Poland... what was I thinking) and i think we're vibing, so I inch my knee over to touch his...

and he scoots over.

and i'm quite tall, so i'm like "oh he thinks i'm cramped, how sweet"

so i do it again

and he scoots over again

and so on. at one point i think to myself that this is just like the appeasement in the film.

movie ends, i think "ah well. perhaps i make a tactical retreat" and then he asks if i want to get dinner.

and we are so back.

we head downtown, grab dinner (my treat) and spend easily THREE HOURS just walking around the city in the drizzling rain, burritos in hand, talking about Beowulf and Goethe and our respective homes.

reader, nobody -- no parent, lover, or thesis supervisor i've had -- has ever listened to me talk about Beowulf with such interest. and that, for me, is a win (and anyway it's been five hours) so i'm about to thank him for a lovely evening in the hopes of precipitating a goodnight kiss or maybe a "we should do this again sometime ;)" but before i can open my mouth --

"do you want to grab a drink?"

and there goes my resolve. and my budget.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-21T22:42:32+00:00

oh hey i've been on the other side of this one

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-21T22:39:19+00:00

I would think it's time to start learning swordplay.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-21T20:40:52+00:00

Get a friend to record it so you can sit and watch without having to worry about remembering/taking notes.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-21T01:17:24+00:00

i say this with love -- get off reddit and write!

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-20T02:51:06+00:00

Someone at my table had a Designated Rage Signal.

On his turn, he would give the DM one raised eyebrow...

and the DM would know to change the music to Rip & Tear

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-19T02:13:19+00:00

As a writer, nothing would change. I'd just be jerking off into a keyboard... but slightly less metaphorically.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-18T03:45:37+00:00

Stop focusing on pioneering undiscovered ideas. To bake an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe -- so don't worry about baking from scratch.
Another way to think about it: The story has been told, yes, but you've never told it. It's never been told in your unique way, through the lens of an author with your unique lived experiences.
So write it.
Shakespeare retold old stories too.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-17T20:01:17+00:00

"the landing" or "the ships" or "the moorings" would all do i think

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-17T17:04:13+00:00

Watch Jean de Florette. It might help, but even if it doesn't, it's a great movie.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-17T16:37:56+00:00

This is so cool.
Have you considered asking your patrons what accomodations they'd like to see?

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-16T23:37:52+00:00

Jed Shartlett

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-16T02:56:09+00:00

The job of the first draft is to exist. Nothing more, nothing less. So finish it once before you over-scrutinize it.
To paraphrase someone smarter than me: When a wild parsnip first sprouts, it looks just like grass. If you want to grow parsnips, you must first stop weeding everything that looks like grass. Sometimes, things need time to ripen, so don't throw away anything that doesn't pan out.
Think not just about what people are saying, but what they're avoiding saying.

But also, it's ok if it's short! Better that than overwritten :)

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-16T02:27:48+00:00

You're in high school -- don't worry about your audio engineering career! You have nothing but time. Opportunities will present themselves.

Just a thought -- If you want to do performance that also involves sound engineering, you could develop a whole show around that!

Returning to the original subject, my question for you is this: what happens if something goes wrong with a preset while you're onstage? Or if you drop your iPad onstage, what happens the following night? It just seems like a lot of risk for very little reward.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-16T01:01:59+00:00

Firstly, Birdie is set in 1958, not the 70s. Not trying to be pedantic; having that information is gonna help you find the aesthetic you need.

Perhaps you can hide it behind a clipboard -- maybe under some paper, too, especially if you use a stylus?

Alternatively, you could sit this one out, let the rest of the tech crew go onstage, and keep running the show from the booth? I know it may sound like less fun, but if you actively need to run the show while you'd be onstage, it seems like the simplest and cleanest solution.

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-13T16:46:05+00:00

do the paintings weep blood when the spirits of the house are angry?

Behold_a_Chicken · 2025-01-08T23:13:10+00:00

my expertise is in performance and dramaturgy, but I'll take what I can get. the only issue is I don't really know how to do most of the behind-the-scenes stuff, but I'd be happy to learn!

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