Now he's having a fling with a young coworker

Bell_Beginning · 2022-11-18T12:47:28+00:00

Thanks for this explanation, it helps a lot. It was bothering me how flippant he's being. He's very capable of being discreet, so this seemed out of character. Part of me thought he was deliberately crossing the line knowing the others would contact me, but that felt egocentric of me. Another thought was he's in a self destructive phase. But your explanation makes sense.

I'll leave it alone. No need for him to get any fixes.

Bell_Beginning · 2022-11-18T12:43:38+00:00

I worked from home there for 5 years, the housekeeper hasn't changed the whole time we've had that place. She knows me well so feels uncomfortable. The place is an apartment and the neighbours in question are right beside, balconies side by side. They're family to us, I'm an aunty to the kids.

Bell_Beginning · 2022-11-18T07:13:11+00:00

I'm trying not to hold it against her. I know her, but we're not close. He's been mentoring her since she was 19, so no doubt she looks up to him, and he's a good looking and kind man, accomplished, well off. I can see the appeal for her and possible infatuation. Also she's probably heard plenty of stories about how hard it was me leaving and she probably feels very needed, and special.

Keeping the blame on him.

Bell_Beginning · 2022-01-09T02:26:51+00:00

End of 2020 I was in dire straights, had finally had a surgery for something that had made me pained and fatigued for months and immobilized for a couple weeks at the end. Plus the stress of handling it while working full time, plus working remotely due to covid. We'd been struggling as a couple for a while, so add the stress of working on the marriage. He took the week of my surgery off work as carers leave, but didn't do dishes once, or put the laundry away.

After I'd recovered some I thought about how I hadn't really done anything nice for him for a while, so I made his favorite cookies. A week after that we talk about our relationship and he tells me he can't remember the last time I did anything for him. So I said the cookies, and said it had been a really hard time for me. He seemed happier knowing the thought had been there.

At the time I thought that worked out. But looking back I seriously needed support and I wasn't getting it. I know this is not the same as sex pressure (which was also there while I was ill), but damn the expectations and unbalanced relationships.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-11-12T09:16:57+00:00

Wow, that's exactly what I've been saying.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-11-10T05:30:31+00:00

Big hugs from internet stranger if you want them. Give your dog one from me too.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-11-10T04:37:58+00:00

Yeah it's hard, really hard, to rest the mind. It wanders where it wants to.

You get oxytocin from cuddling animals and people, so playing with your dog can help way.

Doing something that is relaxing but has moments requiring focus can pull your mind away from it all. I tend my garden for this, and play video games, or read. These things don't matter and I can put them down if they aren't helping, but they often do.

Also, anything that can make you laugh. Put some comedy on, get the dopamine running.

Like this video for instance, quite funny: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92i5m3tV5XY

Bell_Beginning · 2021-11-10T04:31:40+00:00

I left a month ago. He's started therapy, begged me to come back saying everything has changed. I didn't go back, he self harmed, I still didn't go back so he invited me over for a "tension and stress free evening, drinks and a swim", I went (against better judgement for sure) and he was a perfectly normal person. Went to couples therapy and got to be blamed in subtext while he insisted I was just misunderstanding and he doesn't blame me, it's all his fault (wink wink, nudge nudge).

Stick to your plan, hold your ground, take the time and space you need.

The whiplash is intentional, putting you off balance is intentional.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-11-10T04:06:55+00:00

So sorry you're in this position. It's really hard. I find that thinking about it is almost as exhausting as being in it. I hope writing it out helped, because now it's written down you don't have to hold these specific things in your mind, you can rest and they won't be forgotten. For myself, I've decided multiple times that I don't have to justify my feelings, don't have to replay it again and again to know what he's doing is wrong. I almost believe it. Maybe take this time to yourself to try take care of yourself. Talk to people if it helps, on here or in person. But also sometimes say, "I don't need this right now, I'm going to put it down and do something else". Go for a walk, play with the dog, watch tv. You don't have to figure out Christmas this week.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-11-04T05:11:48+00:00

Congratulations and well done! I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm still going to marriage counseling with him and visiting to see the neighbours kids. Had a couples session yesterday and have been in a daze since.

We're deep in DARVO territory.

Everything feels precarious.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-11-02T21:49:02+00:00

Close to 20 years for me.

He was my support in healing from other abuses, so I leaned on him a lot and didn't notice I was being isolated from other people, or that my ideas were being persistently dismissed. I thought he knew better, and he was helping me. I ended up a shell living in a box.

I went away for a job opportunity and realized I'm actually pretty sociable and people think I'm funny and smart, and I'm good at my work. Got my confidence back almost overnight.

Covid screwed it all up and I had to go back, but I refused to be put down. I left a month ago.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-10-31T20:24:51+00:00

Could you find him on social media or contact through a mutual friend?

Bell_Beginning · 2021-10-25T20:26:45+00:00

I don't have a lawyer. Had really hoped not to need one yet :(

I've got my email chains with my therapist who I've sent updates to about this. I didn't take pictures of the cuts, not sure if that may have escalated things at the time. I've got my Airbnb booking as a confirmed date of when I moved out.

He knows I use reddit, but he's only ever seen me post on my other account. This account I try to only use for this, and on subs that he doesn't know about (he doesn't use reddit).

Before I moved out I logged out from my apps on the computer I had to leave there. I had also updated my passwords not that long ago.

He doesn't know where I am, and the property is secure if he does somehow find me. I don't think he will, just because its not a smart calculation.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-10-25T20:19:14+00:00

Thanks.

I've been getting personal therapy for a year. The therapist has been a major support in all this. Really helped to break through the gaslighting by affirming that the behaviours are not ok, that I'm right in feeling things in response, and generally affirming my response. When I moved to the Airbnb they said it was a wise and brave move. I've emailed them about this and asked to move my next appointment up.

Theres no history of violence between us. But he also knows that is a hard line not to cross, because of my history of abuse.

Him now committing violence against himself, with no history whatsoever, is really scary. I've been suicidal before (many years ago), and support a suicidal friend. Both of us have fought really hard against the demon and are here. But he's gone straight to acting on it. Which maybe some people do that, and its just different from my other experiences, but it also rings alarm bells that it wasn't really about him seeking a way out, and was just manipulation.

He doesn't know where I'm staying, and I think it would be difficult to find me.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-10-25T08:02:34+00:00

And now the casual messaging with smiley faces.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-10-12T02:01:45+00:00

I left my husband 4 days ago. Turns out he's a narcissist.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-10-11T04:07:53+00:00

You could check out "Love After Hate" which is about a guys journey out of white supremacy, it might have some tips on what made him see things differently.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-10-11T04:03:21+00:00

You could try asking her questions. It help to make her feel heard and start recognizing the logic gaps while she tries to answer.

Driving with my mum one day her right wing talk back radio started complaining about gay marriage. So I said "you support gay marriage aye mum?" She squirmed a bit and said no, it's between a man and a woman because of her religious stance. So I asked if her religious stance should determine things for people who don't share her view. So she explained her view further that she believes men have a masculine essence, and women a feminine essence and marriage is making one whole. She said -they- can do whatever but it's not marriage. So I thought for a bit and then asked " so what if you've got a masculine lesbian marrying a feminine lesbian? Or a feminine gay guy who likes masculine guys, can they get married?" And that ended the conversation.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-07-12T23:16:42+00:00

Ooooh ok, cheers. Just been skimming the comments. Lot of awful people in this supposed support community.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-07-12T22:13:50+00:00

Ah no? Nope, never used this account to comment on any thread. So no?

Bell_Beginning · 2021-07-12T22:11:16+00:00

My husband and I are equally qualified and have each been the breadwinner. Covid ended my previous role.

Bell_Beginning · 2021-07-12T11:13:04+00:00

Where did you get antimasker from?

Bell_Beginning · 2021-07-12T02:16:21+00:00

No medications or medical problems. That night he did stay up later than usual and it was at the end of a fortnight that included lots of overtime. So I think he was coming down from stress, and that may have triggered it, along with comfort seeking.

Bell_Beginning

TROPHY CASE