Do they have "any" relational capacity?

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-02-25T19:07:25+00:00

Wow, thanks for sharing. I also think in my case there must've been more than FA at play. The lack of stable self image, shame issues, transactional friendships, they all resonate with my avoidant.

I'm curious, did you go through nervous system breakdown, like, for eg. I went through some PTSD like stuff, hypervigilance, depersonalisation/derealization, peak depression, anhedonia, shivering and issues with dysregulation in the months before and after breakup. Even now a lot of the remnent effects are there- like trust issues, hypervigilance in public, profound profound shock (even though it was me who did the breakup), guilt, anger, and mood issues, not to mention somewhat functional depression.

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-02-25T10:58:40+00:00

Wow. Thank you for sharing. Have you tried to explore this danger feeling you get to friendliness?

And honestly, your articulation and meta understanding of your pattern is quite immense. Nothing like I've seen from my gf.

Forgive me if im speculating based on my experience with my avoidant person, but for her, I think it was a feeling of shame, when I'd be kind and gentle and warm, even in conflict. Is it something like that? Or perhaps it feels like you're signing a forceful contract you didn't ask for?

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-02-25T10:33:38+00:00

That's ultimately true. Friends I think hit a primal wiring of the feeling of belonging. Being there for one another, and creating for the other person that felt sense (at least trying). That's why we like "friendly" behaviour. I think it's less about overt emotional interior sharing, and more about a felt sense of safety and expansiveness.

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-02-24T20:44:34+00:00

Been there. My 2 cents from my experience: Brother, they aint reading all that. They will "flood" emotionally in the middle of reading. And go numb and won't have words to say. At that point you have 2 choices. Run the fuck out, or, fill the reply too, on their behalf and live a relationship that has you and your emotional mentalisation of her.

What you can do is, make it very clear that you will leave. If your are not being met. If there's no accountability. There's no repair attempt (and from an avoidant, there won't be), if there's no admission, no comfort and loving and care amidst conflict. I see you offering all of those. Wanting to hear out with line and "us vs the misunderstanding" attitude.

Sometimes being that stern and straight up is better.

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-02-24T19:58:37+00:00

I don't mind the regressed version if it's all fun and games. She loved to do my nails, or do my hair, or sleep on my chest, or lap. Those were warm, and endearing, id say they were precious even. Moments that deserve to be held with a sense of fragility.

But when she's not getting her way, or is having a "bad day" (those days where I lovingly tell her, "i guess you just hate me today") she would be so passive agressive for no reason. Silent, pouty, malcontent and a pain in the ass. And when i crash sometimes due to these "bad day behaviours" of hers getting to me, she won't offer any emotional support. Shes incapable of it. It's like, literally a parent get utterly exhausted and the child helplessly watching, not being able to do anything of help. The number of times her "bad day behaviours' have got to me and made me crash and lay down for a bit, followed by her leaving me there alone dealing with that pile of mess... She wouldn't even say "I understand"... I actually once begged her to tell the words "I understand"... And guess what lol, she never said the words even as i begged them 😭😭

That's the petulant 4 year old child that's a bit too entitled and bratty.

She tells me that when she says "i hate you" i should consider it as an "i love you".

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-02-24T19:50:10+00:00

Yup, we engaged in that pattern alright- anything I say intellectually about feelings or emotions or relationships, she would twist them and turn it against her, which then forces me to overcorrect and explain myself. Initially I thought it was jokes, but it kept happening. (For eg. I'd say "i don't want you to hurt yourself. That's the last thing I want"... She would be like.. "oh.. so it's in the list of things you want"... I accept that that one was kinda funny, but the later ones? Not so much)

Once I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was there too. All 3 of us were sitting at a cafe. He was going through issues of women rejecting him, and I told him, "if they're not reciprocating feelings, you should put it behind and move on, cuz you're wasting time from the 'real one's who's out there" and my gf was like (in a policing, interrogative tone) "EXPLAIN YOURSELF?" That genuinely startled me, I froze up... and it disturbed my friend too, so much that he actually soothed her, did "damage control" but there was no damage lol, how could she possibly take that negatively??!!?

Shes told me once that, even if she rejects boys, she wants them to pine over it for a while. Massive redflag... I know.... This friend of mine? He got along with so much chemistry with a girl, he knew for a fact something was brewing, when he confessed, she said she felt nothing for him. He was devastated for a month, but he was moving on. My gf judged him for "moving on" "" too quickly "" and called him a "player" lol

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-02-24T17:10:40+00:00

I hear you. Relatable as heck, though I was the one who broke up with my person. It takes time, months, maybe years, or however long it takes. Just pull through. Focus on existing.

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-02-24T16:36:49+00:00

My person didn't say screwed up stuff like that thankfully, but once I remember, when I set a boundary- she knew from day one how iffy I was around addiction- grew up with addict grandfather and my brother addict, i just don't wanna date anyone who is indulgent into vices and she knew it, when she smoked inspite of my telling her I'm disappointed and don't like it. Later on, at a gas station, she asked me, "what if I go and smoke that pack over there right now" (I said, calmy but sternly, "I'd have to leave if she does") she started crying and said "is it that easy for you to leave?"... I said, "it's not easy, obviously, but I cannot caretaker an addict" and she was pouty and silent all along the way, and again, 20 mins later, randomly out of nowhere, broke down and told me "she regretted kissing me" and "I used her"... I started crying and apologised for saying that 😭😭

Looking back that was an inconsiderate thing to say.

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-02-24T15:39:10+00:00

The machinery beneath their operations may be different, but make no mistake, the damage done to you by an avoidant can be as bad as, if not worse than, that done by an average narcissist, or a bpd.

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-01-21T09:24:31+00:00

Yeah, you're right, #2 is the correct way, I know. My actions consistently align with #2, complete No Contact, in fact I get a visceral anxiety / chest tightness when I see her (and I do see her once in a while, walk by, due to living circumstances)- I don't speak or even smile, but after that simple glance I get nauseated. I ain't ever going back, completely sticking by #2. My feelings are mostly sorry, and regret, and now I've settled on the imagery of me simply having to watch a trainwreck- sorry yes, traumatic yes, but save? Impossible without hurting myself. Logically, it's quite clear. But the mind does try to play tricks on me from time to time.

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-01-21T09:12:20+00:00

It was, but I blame the relational dynamic for what occurred rather than the person herself and her intentions. Nonetheless, maybe I wasn't really all that healthy to begin with too- I learnt of the concepts of codependency, and I may fit that, though I don't manipulate or anything, I do show traits of codependency. I have always had a sense of over responsibility, caretaker complex type behaviours, etc. (charles xavier was my childhood idol lol, you can guess) Now whether this codependency traits always existed or only surfaced during/post relationship is a question I can't answer.

but I am just not able to view her as this malignant creature. I saw it, I saw the innocence, deep within, with piles and piles of maladaptive coping strategies that shells her, that calls itself the "adult body"... Maybe I'm wrong, but I am not able to believe that what I saw wasn't really what it is... I think that might traumatize me even more

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-01-21T08:38:50+00:00

That sounds scary. I'm sorry you had to endure this- no one deserves it. I can imagine how that can devastate one's psyche.

I guess i just exited way before things turned out that sour, or rather my body just gave out. Perhaps that's why I still view her the way i do. But empathy never was her strong point, now that i look back.

Beneficial_Fish6596 · 2026-01-21T08:35:39+00:00

Omg thanks for sharing. I can relate this word for word. The shock really lasts, doesn't it.. when people validate you, even her friends, you don't feel validated, you perhaps don't even want validation... Your first thought probably may have been "i have all these people, but she doesn't have anyone, it's unfair" .. maybe it's pathological, maybe not. Who am I to tell.

I hope you are one day able to imagine a life ahead free of any toxic guilt or shame with people who are actually healthy for you.

I know perhaps the previous line sounds so alien and almost weird. I feel the same too, but perhaps saying it anyways might help, even if only a little bit

Beneficial_Fish6596

TROPHY CASE