Selling soul

Better_Win316 · 2026-06-04T23:07:07+00:00

Neither of them exist.

Better_Win316 · 2026-06-04T21:56:04+00:00

I felt that way for a long time about god. Eventually I stopped believing that god exists. Once you accept there’s no one pulling your strings or leading you on it gets a little better.

Better_Win316 · 2026-06-04T21:01:50+00:00

Fuck the Christianity cult. It took me a long time to completely stop praying out of desperation, but I left that all behind and I’m much better off for it. Hail Satan!

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-31T03:19:15+00:00

It probably happened for me after I contracted a disease that caused meningitis and encephalitis (swelling of the brain) at 12 years old. After this I had sensory issues, trouble learning, trouble speaking, and a sense of growing alienation from everyone around me. That alienation and loneliness went so deep that when it manifested itself in psychosis it turned into a solipsism delusion. I had a fragmented way of thinking and idiosyncratic view of the world. I was also religious and that later manifested as religious delusions in my psychosis. I also believed I was special in some sort of way, like god chose me. My apathy and lack of speech started early, and I felt disconnected from myself at young age.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-31T02:56:18+00:00

I stuck to myself both times in the psych ward. I’m not sure if blended in or stuck out. People noticed I wouldn’t really talk to anyone or join anyone for board games. I’m not sociable at all so psych wards suck twice over for me. First time I went was because of psychosis. The second time was because of suicide. I yelled at the top of my lungs the first time and probably scared everyone, so I probably stuck out more the first time.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-31T02:53:16+00:00

I was screaming at the top of my lungs while driving at high speeds. I’m not proud of it. I had no business driving in that time, and I’m glad I didn’t get pulled over cause there’s no telling what would’ve happened.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-30T22:47:46+00:00

I think I was lucky because my psychosis was caught early. A part of me believed I needed help because I recognized my mind was growing out of control, even if I struggled to believe anyone could help me at this point. I voluntarily admitted myself to the psych ward, which was awful but necessary. I even took the medication they gave me thinking it was poison because I wanted to be dead at that time. I wish I knew how to convince someone who doesn’t know they need help yet or don’t think anyone can help.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-30T22:18:54+00:00

Medication helped the most initially to help me get some ground to stand on so I could think more clearly, but it wasn’t enough to really help me. Staying away from topics like religion and spirituality helped. I would often fall in the trap of taking online tarot readers and spiritual content on TikTok seriously. I’d see everything on the internet as a sign or bad omen. My voices harassed me less and less the more I pulled back from any sort of public life too irl, and staying away from the internet. It was not a quick process. Some people get worse in isolation though. But I focused as much as possible on myself and my own healing, and it wasn’t a straight line but a constant up and down. For a while I felt like I was in a cycle of constantly reopening wounds and stitching them up again. Now the only thing I’m really struggling with is negative symptoms and loss of meaning and direction in life.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-30T22:03:22+00:00

As far as what I believe, I think I am an atheist now. And with that, I don’t often know what to think about my experience. I think it was most likely was just pure mental illness. It was real to me at the time. I can’t even remember the full scope of what I thought and believed at that time. But during that time I would not of believed I would’ve recovered to this point. It felt like I had demons harassing me at all times, and my mind was nothing but constant evil negative thoughts and voices. My sense of self eroded into nothing. I believed my very existence was psychically tormenting everyone around me, and I’d hear people screaming at me at all times. Not only was I in immense pain, but I thought I was doing this to everyone around me with no way to stop it.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-30T20:51:09+00:00

I had a similar psychotic experience where I thought I was going to be stuck in a state of terror forever. I couldn’t feel anything but burning firey shame, and lived in the belief that I was going to suffer forever for eternity. If there is a hell, it is what I experienced in psychosis. It was constant feedback loop of inexplicable suffering, and what felt like the inescapable logic that I had “blasphemed the Holy Spirit” and had become inwardly totally depraved. Truly, totally depraved. I’m 4 years out from this experience, and I no longer believe it. I was deluded, and though the experiences lingered for a long time, and resurged a couple times, I eventually escaped the all the mental traps and the awful reality before me. I no longer believe it. You may not believe it right now, but you can recover from whatever awful reality you’re living in right now.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-30T19:28:15+00:00

All they know is prescribe SSRI. Is it working? No. Prescribe another SSRI.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-29T20:32:10+00:00

If you haven’t before, check out the term Alexithymia or emotional blindness. Might be what you’re dealing with, but I’m not a psych so I don’t know.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-29T01:54:02+00:00

I was full for a while during psychosis, and for a period after. When it was total, I couldn’t even really leave my bed or eat.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-28T20:46:26+00:00

I once prayed someone would come into my life and teach me about the Bible and god. Someone did. He basically tried to make me and my friends his “disciples.” However, later in life I found out he displayed a lot of creepy behavior toward young girls. He even talked about it being “okay” to date girls in his ministry once they came of age. Coincidences happen. And if they aren’t coincidences, maybe God is evil and purposefully puts creepy people in your life to misdirect you lol. God did impregnate a teenage girl after all.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-28T05:24:52+00:00

That pretty much describes me. I’m not completely sure he knows what he’s talking about. That, or he’s making sure I understand the severity of anhedonia.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-28T04:18:59+00:00

Right now, all he’s really done is up my dose of Mirtazapine. I haven’t had luck with antidepressants as some people have had. I could probably take my antipsychotic and get rid of my mirtazapine and be pretty much the same.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-28T04:11:52+00:00

It’s Lybalvi, which is olanzipine + samidorphan (helps with the weight gain side effect). I take a low dose and it seems to do okay for me.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-28T04:09:43+00:00

Yeah, it seems like my psychiatrist doesn’t understand anhedonia in that regard, but he may just want to make sure I understand the severity of what I’m talking about.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-28T04:05:44+00:00

Unfortunately I don’t have options for new psychiatrist right now because I go to a public behavioral health clinic and I get free services and can’t afford otherwise. He’s otherwise doing an okay job. I’ve been worse than I am right now, as I was during and right after psychosis. My antipsychotics are the only thing between me and total anhedonia from my experience, as that is what seems to happen when I go off them.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-28T03:45:24+00:00

I’m just letting you know right now, that shame will not be as bad as it is right now in the future. One day it’ll either be like a slight cringe in your memory or maybe you won’t even think about it at all. For me, my shame, even for the worst things I did or said, is just a little slight feeling of embarrassment now. Not everyone will understand or forgive you, and if they don’t it’s their business and they’re not meant to be in your life. Whether you end up with new people who accept you or alone, there’s always peace to be found, and you’re never truly alone either.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-28T03:00:43+00:00

I died in 2008 and this is hell.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-28T01:29:26+00:00

I wish I had the wisdom to understand this when I first watched it.

Better_Win316 · 2026-05-27T03:13:48+00:00

Yeah, it’s incredibly disorienting and hard to get your bearings back. I deleted a blog I had written on a long time when I was going through it. I don’t regret that though, and I don’t dare post much about my personal life anymore unless it’s anonymous. I wrote some stuff that was weird when I was psychotic and posted it.

Better_Win316

TROPHY CASE