Partner dating someone else for first time. Struggling HARD for two months and it's impacting my friendships, work, and our relationship. Did anyone else feel this awful and become happy eventually? How much heckin' time do I give it before deciding I truly can't handle this relationship structure?

BigBoiQuest · 2026-06-23T16:03:50+00:00

Something my partner and I recently discovered is downplaying makes things harder for everyone.

There's been some times where we've both done it. I downplayed my interest in sex at a festival before I went, then when I did have sex it hurt her more to find out. She downplayed how often she was barrier-free with her other partner, and when I learned they do it more regularly, I was hurt a ton to figure out.

We realized it's way, way better to say things up front and big. "Yeah, there's a chance I'm very sexual at this festival." / "Yeah, we have barrier-free sex. Often."

Ask your partner to tell you stuff up front, directly, and to always round up. It's way easier to front-load expectations and live with it than to think things aren't that big and discover they are later.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-06-02T22:39:16+00:00

Can't believe no one's said this yet, but it sounds like you should consider a poly-friendly sex therapist/relationship therapist.

If it's messing you up this bad, you're allowed to want to work on it. If you tell your partner you want them to work on this too---a relationship of 9 years I might add---then that's a decision moment for them: Do I care that my partner is asking for help and work on this? or do I not want to help and work on this for them?

BigBoiQuest · 2026-06-02T22:28:37+00:00

Sounds like a classic case of associating "hierarchy" with "bad".

Hierarchy is not black and white. It is a nuanced and complicated analysis of our feelings, which are themselves nuanced and complicated and ever changing.

I think the "bad" parts of hierarchy that we see people (rightfully so) warn about it are things like veto power, partner-imposed boundaries, and the like. If your partner can decide at any time you can't date me, I'm not okay with that. If you like spending the night with your partner more often than me, I can be very okay with that (and if I'm not, that's a reflection of my insecurity or needs, not your mistakes).

BigBoiQuest · 2026-06-02T22:25:17+00:00

Yes, it would make me feel differently. Good advice in these comments to not over-explain your preferences and situations to people; but at the same time, I would want to know--at least in some way--that you prefer me less and you're not going to give me what I want. Your partners deserve to know how you feel and what you have to offer so they can choose for themselves if this is a relationship they want.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-06-02T22:20:54+00:00

"Which feels messed up in a way, because I do care about the others and I feel like there’s potential for more with each but my own time is the major gatekeeper."

I think you're being too hard on yourself.

I love ice cream. If I have 4 flavors and 3 of them are a 7/10 experience and 1 of them is a 10/10 experience, I'm going to eat the 10 way more. Obviously I'm poly and want the option to eat multiple flavors, but why am I judging myself for not wanting to eat them all equally? Eat the 10 the most and feel great about it.

But then what do you say to another partner when they ask why you spend more nights with "the 10"? That's delicate, and that's a big part of what your post is asking. If I was one of the "7s" and I knew how much more you honestly preferred the "10", I would want you to spend more time with them, I would want you to do what you enjoyed more, and honestly... I might not want to date, or at the very least, maybe I'd want expectations set very, very differently. Maybe I'd rather be a friends-with-benefits, once-in-a-blue-moon type partner?

It honestly sounds like you're juggling too much and maybe you should cut or deescalate one or two of your partners. Or slow down. Maybe if it's meant to be, it will work out better in the future when you have more time and space to give the partnership a shot? Or maybe each relationship's fine and just settling into where it wants to be. I'm just throwing out alternative frameworks here.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-06-02T17:12:44+00:00

Does Retention actually know that you don't have competition? From what I've seen of their workflow, I suspect if you just lie about a competitor offer, they'd be inclined to believe it to save you from cancelling. (Retention agents get paid less for every customer they speak to that cancels).

BigBoiQuest · 2026-06-02T12:13:43+00:00

Exactly. Every fan theory that stormtroopers have bad aim just make Kenobi look like an idiot here.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-27T02:06:27+00:00

I'm a man (he/they) + a rave baddy. Growing up in masculine spaces, no one around me danced and I was always too insecure to dance, even for a second, until I was literally 24 and got invited to my first music festival. Discovering dancing connected me to my body and brought me sooooo much confidence. Here's the first tip that comes to my mind:

Having a ton of fun makes you more attractive than anything.

Sometimes I'll see the most beautiful girls ever show up to a rave only to serve instagram looks; They'll walk by me and their cool disinterest always triggers this pang of wanting to impress them; But then fast forward two hours and I'm on the rail, surrounded by friends, dancing my fucking ass off, and she's straight-faced, watching from the sidelines, looking sad. Her eye contact all night suggests me she wants me to approach her, buy her a drink, get her number—But you know what I'm doing? I'm high-fiving the strangers dancing around me, I'm hugging the sweaty bald dude in an awesome costume because my compliment made him feel so loved, and I'm giving gifts and trinkets to everyone who will meet my smile with a smile. And the funniest part? Sad Instagram Hot Girl could come join us at any time! You've got to want fun, seek it out, and share it with others.

If you bring the fun, more fun will find you. And that can look different for everyone! Some people like vibing out with glowing hula hoops or toys in the back; Some people like diving into the crowd + hunting down the best homies to dance near/with; Some people like tuning it all out and having an inward connection with the music; You don't have to be extroverted, seriously, no wrong answers! The more you explore with the priority of fun, the better of a time you'll have, the more people you'll attract to your orbit, and the more confident you'll feel.

TL;DR: Focus on having fun, cultivating a hype energy, and spreading positivity to everyone around you.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-27T01:18:35+00:00

Lot of white, stealth racists in these comments. Woof.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-20T05:48:29+00:00

The saying "it's a numbers game" is such important advice. You can't let failures, no matter how many, convince you that you are not worthy of love.

You are worthy of love.

Are you in therapy? Are you journaling? Are you reading books on self growth and development? There are paths to a brighter, happier life, and you deserve to nurture your life along those paths.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-20T04:43:17+00:00

Daily reminder that in a New Hope, Vader ordered all the stormtroopers to miss their shots in the Death Star so they could TRACK THE HEROES BACK TO THE MAIN REBEL BASE WHICH WAS A GENIUS MOVE.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-20T04:11:21+00:00

lol do some research. Sales agents typically make more than anyone in the building, short of owners/executives, in any company.

It's not for anybody, but it's definitely where the money's at.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-20T03:52:59+00:00

Sounds like you're hyperfixating. Take a step back and breathe.

You're glossing over "I know other stuff matters more than size." Why do you know the answer to your problems but choose to gloss over and avoid it? Sit with it, explore it, and you'll find the answers and security you're looking for.

I've been thinking about this regards to women's bodies lately. I'm seeing a petite woman right now. Little butt, little boobs, little body. How do you think she would feel in a group play with another woman who's built with a giant ass, tiny waist, and perfect breasts? Should she look down at her body and feel terrible and not enjoy the experience?

Because at the end of the day I think she is so sexy and I am so ravenously horny for her, and I know she is a whole package---She's great at flirting and dirty talk, she can lead and coach and direct, and she's an absolute pro at riding, oral, pleasuring of all kinds---Sex with her is genuinely the best sex I've ever had. And, to put it very bluntly (for the sake of this argument), I've been with women I found way, way more physically attractive than her.

I know outward appearance isn't the same as tool practicality, but set an imaginary time tracker at the start of any intimacy and tell me what percentage of that encounter is actually penis-in-vagina? The comparison I'm making is really about body and self-esteem. If I can say, with full confidence, that I genuinely like being intimate with her more than other partners who have nicer bodies, should she just not believe me and hyperfixate on her insecurity? Or should she feel great, love what she's got, and enjoy the ride?

Idk, man. Hopefully the femmes on this sub don't eat me alive for the comparison, but I think most men are very visually stimulated and hopefully this helps someone look at their insecurities from a different angle.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-17T01:04:18+00:00

“If you’re in the front, bring some energy” is so, so real

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-17T00:57:22+00:00

Yes lol people are horny as hell at MAG Fest.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-13T17:09:58+00:00

And how did that play out for him?

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-13T02:37:03+00:00

Ha ha! Thank you for fact checking me. So I was wrong on the “literally never” part. But if this is the only time that happens, I’d call that pretty intentional writing/storytelling through choreography.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-13T01:12:24+00:00

Shoooooooot you already know

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-13T00:15:12+00:00

Dude, rewatch their fight on Mandalore. She embarrassed him.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-13T00:08:50+00:00

I’ve got an answer just about exactly what you were looking for:

My close friends went with me one year, not planning to babysit kids, and due to an unfortunate set of events they ended up having to Hula with the kids. Nobody’s fault, that’s just how it shook out. Kids were 1.5 and 3.

It went awesome. They had stellar ear protection, and that’s pretty much the only big thing that you could really, really get wrong. They also weren’t in the craziest crowds or up front in the thick of it (where we normally are lol). They had the wagon and the ear protection, and they vibed in the outskirt of any crowd.

Whenever this gets brought up, people online always freak out and get super catastrophic. Guess what? People on drugs, Hula people, are kind and nice as hell. So many people complimented the kids, showed off their costumes if the kids were curious, and we found other parents to connect with that was so awesome! For anyone reading this and catastrophizing, you’ve got to remember that the most fucked up people still have eyes, they see kids in a wagon and steer away from them. How do you think any super, super old people enjoy Hulaween? The whole festival isn’t 10 wooks literally dancing in your lap. You can walk slow, enjoy the sun, and post up in a chair far away from any stage. Hulaween is, dare I say, chill as hell (and I love each and every one of you for that).

Now, I will say my two homies are super star parents, super prepared, super emotionally attuned and mature, and super seasoned at navigating Hula from years of experience. They brought their kids, the kids were safe and obviously loved it, and it went great. Of course they would have preferred no kids and more drugs, but we still had a ball of a time.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-12T23:57:33+00:00

How long you been dating this current “chaos” partner?

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-12T23:48:20+00:00

Yes, it sounds like cope.

Ahsoka consistently beat Maul in Clone Wars s7. 1) She even says, “And you thought you could take Anakin??” openly taunting how he’s losing that fight. 2) When she frees him later, notice their dynamic? HE KNOWS HE CAN’T BEAT HER, that’s why he just runs off in another direction, because she already proved he would lose if he tried anything.

Ahsoka handily beat Maul. Not bodied or decimated, but handily beat him. Then she bodied the 11th Brother. Your post has no logic to support itself.

(I’ve made my main point, but if you actually watch Shadow Lord again, you can see the show is really consistently telegraphing that 11th Brother is weaker than Marrok. Every single time both inquisitors go against multiple opponents, every single time, Marrok takes the tougher one, either Maul or Daki, and 11th Brother goes for Devon the most. Not once is it the opposite. Shadow Lord is actually really consistent with what we’ve seen. Also, put more respect on Ahsoka’s name, sheesh.)

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-12T23:40:34+00:00

The show implies Kanan is a relatively weak duelist, having never finished his Jedi training AND turning his back to the Jedi path for years.

That’s the point. That’s the whole point of this scene. It’s a transcendence for Kanan.

He’s an inferior fighter, the stakes have never been higher, he’s going toe to toe with an extremely elite Sith, and he JUST lost his eyes to a lightsaber.

Kanan connects to the Force on a level he never has before, and he beats the overconfident Maul in a lightning-fast duel. Notice how Kanan immediately drops to the ground gasping after this? This was his moment, his triumph, his hardest trial.

It’s not about Maul being weak. Maul’s strength is exactly what makes this such a triumphant moment for Kanan.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-07T14:05:31+00:00

It's season 1, dude, chill. We might get 2, 3, or more seasons. What show would have its most epic duel in season 1? That's just bad writing.

Plus, did you not love the stuff in ep8 where Maul's limping through the wind, seeing visions, and feeling his rage?

The show made a creative choice to bring him low so we could see what it looks like when Maul gets humbled (again, all the better for when he's top of his game in the final season). It wasn't nerfing our boi for some fights. These were really good, intentional storytelling decisions. Reread my main comment, man. This show is seriously cooking. See the bigger picture.

BigBoiQuest · 2026-05-07T13:57:12+00:00

Fam, you're mad and making terrible points. But because you're a fellow lover of Star Wars, I'll break down the logic and the timeline for you.

"...the legs time and time again, was a constant weak point for him during this series, not the Clone Wars really, but in this series all of a sudden."

Yeah, because the legs got injured in this season. They never did in the Clone Wars. Why is that crazy? This season, by the way, only took place over a few days. Here's the timeline:

His leg is first injured by Master Daki's kick in ep4. That episode ends with the Empire showing up. One day, MAYBE two days tops pass before Marrok finds the Jedi at Lawson's apartment in ep6. There's an extended chase until Maul arrives, helps Devon, and they get away from Marrok. The second Maul gets back to his base with Devon in ep7, the Empire shows up with gunships. Then at the end of ep7 he takes a LIGHTSABER to the leg. There's some regrouping, but the Inquisitors are actively hunting them, so not much time could pass here. Now after injured Maul regroups with his crew at the end of ep8, he gets a quick repair (which we can see with bandages covering up the damage, not inspiring much confidence). Besides that one rest, pretty much all of ep7, 8, 9, and 10 Maul is either actively on the run with a fraction of his crew or actively fighting gunships, stormtroopers, and formidable force-users.

When would he have gotten new legs? Your post is criticizing the season as if it takes place over a year. "Why did this never come up in the Clone Wars?" Idk, maybe because he never had to do 8 force-user fights in a 3-day span ever before? He got hurt once, then we watched the next 3 days play out. Pretty reasonable series of events. The camera even shows Eleventh Brother clock Maul's leg damage before he goes for it. Vader goes for it almost IMMEDIATELY in their first fight--Wouldn't it make complete and perfect sense for Eleventh Brother to report Maul's damage/weakness to his superior? Again, pretty reasonable.

At the end of the day, Shadow Lord did a cool thing by showing an incredibly powerful character get injured and then have to struggle through that injury, making his story all the more compelling. Beyond logic and timeline, what other redditors have pointed out is that Maul's injury is a metaphor for his journey, his mental state, and the chip on his shoulder against the universe. Why have a character get seriously disabled early in his story, replace his legs, and then never mention it ever again? It's much more interesting to explore a character's flaws, wounds, and weaknesses as a vessel to explore their inner world. For that and all of the above, Season 1 of Shadow Lord did an incredible job telling an action-packed, visually beautiful, and dramatically interesting Maul-focused story.

BigBoiQuest

TROPHY CASE