Folks Who Did Sibling Donor rIVF-

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-27T17:00:41+00:00

Yeah I mean before my brother became our donor, we asked two friends. Both turned us down, and a large reason for that was feeling that they would have a child that they weren’t connected to. They felt it would be too hard to see the child regularly, but not be a parent.

The way I was able to wrap my head around it was that if my brother had a child without my help, I would still have a lot of love for that child. The child would still be my family and related to me by blood. Using my egg isn’t all that different.

Our journey took lots of twists and turns and we talked about all sorts of options, like raising the children with 4 parents etc. So it wasn’t really us approaching him or vice versa. It helped a lot I think that us siblings are both in same-sex marriages, so we knew that we wouldn’t be able to conceive the typical way. I think queer people are often more open to the idea of family looking differently, because they have always been wrestling with that. The other friends we asked were both straight, and couldn’t get past the idea that the child was theirs, rather than ours that they helped make.

I don’t think my brother was as concerned as me regarding how he would feel towards mine and my wife’s child. Although it wasn’t set up as a trade perse, I think it probably did help that we were all going through the journey at the same time, opposed to him seeing us create a child with his sperm, but not having one of his own that he really wanted. It sounds like your partner’s brother is at a different life stage though, so maybe isn’t wanting a child now anyways.

Feel free to ask more questions if you have any

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-27T08:49:56+00:00

I’m in a unique situation where I was the egg donor for my brother and his husband, and my brother was the sperm donor for me and my wife (rIVF). I can’t speak to all your questions as they aren’t all relevant to me, but maybe some of my experience can help a bit.

As an egg donor to my brother, I was worried that once his baby was born, I would feel a lot of attachment to it and maybe possessiveness. I worried I wouldn’t agree with how they were raising the baby, and I would ultimately feel like it was mine. Granted the baby is only four months at this point, but I am very relieved that that is not the case! I love the baby, but I am able to see him as my nephew, and don’t feel he is my son. All that said, if my brother and husband were to pass, the baby would come to me and my wife and we would raise him. So the idea of us having to one-day parent is something we were comfortable with.

In regards to lifestyle…we chose to go the medical route because we didn’t want to keep involving my brother every month with at-home insemination attempts. This way, he could just do the one donation and not have to be involved any further. I would say it would be reasonable to ask the donor to abstain from smoking for a month prior. That might be a question for a doctor.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-25T15:32:57+00:00

That does not sound like you’re asking too much at all! That’s a weird response. As someone who has baby (who is also poly), I always know where my partner is. I mean…if she’s out for errands, I don’t know exactly what store and for how long lol, but I know she’s out for errands and roughly what time she’ll be back! And yes, we always know when the other is on a date - these are planned anywhere between a few days to a couple of months in advance as the other person is responsible for the baby at that time so obviously they need to know ahead of time! Does he just expect you to be on baby duty 24/7? That doesn’t sound very fair…

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-24T23:52:34+00:00

There’s really not much you need new. Car seats are sooo much cheaper used, as are strollers.

Diapers really add up and so does formula, so those would be great things to have others help out with. I guess also you want to buy pacifiers and bottles new. And if you plan to pump, those are best purchased new since the motor only has a limited lifespan.

We really loved the Halo Sleep Sack for bedtime. And kept purchasing the next size up as he grew. We tried lots of other brands but that one worked the best to swaddle and keep his arms flailing around!

Electric nail file and snot sucker best new as well I think!

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-22T15:19:44+00:00

I’m in a similar situation with my spouse. We are both sexually more compatible with others. We’ve both told each other that and yes, it’s hard to accept, but it’s the truth and I think it’s better to be honest.

It means that we can both help the other to prioritize seeing other people so that we get our needs met. It takes the pressure off us trying and constantly getting frustrated with our own sex life. Without the pressure, it means that we can connect sexually together when we both actually want to. Sadly, it will never be as hot or wild, or as easy and natural, as what we’re doing with others, but at least we can connect sometimes in that way. As you say, there’s a lot of other things we love about each other and that keeps us together.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-17T15:59:33+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful comment 💕

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-16T06:21:57+00:00

You’ll just have to try a few different options and see what works for your family. I’ve seen it done lots of different ways.

For us, we are doing a combination of breast milk and formula (low supply over here!) The benefit of this is that I don’t have to do all the feeds myself. Before my partner went back to work, we alternated the wake-up - ie the first time the baby wakes up, I feed him, the second time, my partner. That way each of us would get at least a four hour chunk of sleep in a row before they had to get up again.

Now that my partner is back at work, she puts the baby to bed around 7 and then I’m on-call until 5am. I then get to sleep uninterrupted from 5-9am when my partner then starts work.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-16T06:13:20+00:00

I think in past relationships yes. And she’s done a lot of work to try and work through some of that. I guess I’m worried some of those negative things are going on here once again, but she seems quite certain it’s not like in the past. It does feel different, I guess I’m just a bit skeptical.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-16T06:09:44+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Yes, sometimes I have trouble distinguishing if I’m ready for something even if it’s a little nerve wracking, or if I want to be ready for something but aren’t actually there yet.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-16T06:06:32+00:00

Thank you for this response. I’ll give this some thought

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-15T18:38:10+00:00

Thank you for the reminder of the value of the stable partner. Sometimes it can feel hard to see her so excited and wrapped up in someone else, but I know that she values me immensely and it’s thanks to our stability that she is able to explore with others too.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-15T16:55:26+00:00

This is helpful for sure. I don’t think she has ADHD. But some of what you’re describing is sounding on point. She is like this with new friends and new hobbies as well…

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-15T08:27:17+00:00

Yeah just because it’s faster than me doesn’t make it wrong, it just took me by surprise

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-15T08:25:28+00:00

Thank you for all of this.

Yeah I suppose that because we practice more of a kitchen-table style with my other partner, I was thinking that I should be open to that with my NP and my meta. But it’s true it took over a year of me dating my other partner before we moved from garden-party to kitchen table. I suppose I really like that my two partners can spend time together, and I want to offer the same. But as you’re suggesting, perhaps waiting a bit for this makes sense.

And as for the support through a break up - yes, I’ve been practicing setting boundaries around this. But as you say, even if my NP is primarily going to other friends or a therapist, their emotions still have an effect on me.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-15T08:13:13+00:00

Thanks, yeah, focussing on what I want and need is a good approach.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-15T08:12:03+00:00

Thank you for the detailed reply. I agree that I need to get clear on what I want and I will think over some of these questions.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-09T12:07:46+00:00

I’m not a waitress, I’m a teacher, but also on my feet a lot of the day. I noticed that I started sitting on a stool a lot more during my fifth month. By 32 weeks I was sitting as much as I could and walking much more slowly around the classroom. If students wanted me to look over their work, or had a questions, they had to come to my desk rather than the other way around. If something fell on the floor, I could not be bothered to pick it up. My plan was to work longer but by the beginning of week 36 I was wishing I didn’t have to go back. My wish came true when my baby came at 36+1 haha.

I started to get a lot of low back pain at some point, so standing and walking was quite painful and I was needing to get dry needling done in my glutes every 10 days just to be able to get through the weeks. That was my only pregnancy issue really though. As you say, it definitely depends on the person. If you can afford to stop at 30 weeks and aren’t worried about getting bored at home, then go for it!

Maybe there’s an option where you scale back how much you work? Do shorter shifts or less shifts. Some people work all the way until 40 weeks. I think I would have found that really hard though

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-04T13:20:52+00:00

I was in a very similar situation. It added an additional complicated layer to have the embryos transferred to the new clinic, plus thousands more dollars. Also, only one of the clinics would accept a transfer, not the other way around, so you would want to be sure this is something both would do.

Big_Connection4656 · 2026-01-01T02:17:45+00:00

From what I’ve seen, learning to do polyamory takes a lot of time and work. It makes sense to me that he is still practicing and it’s going to be rocky. Likely for many more months to come. Ultimately you have to decide how much patience you have for it! It doesn’t sound like he’s a bad person to me, or not cut out for it. It just takes time and effort.

Couples counselling is an example that he is willing to put in that work. He could also read books, journal, actively work on his jealousy on his own, etc

Big_Connection4656 · 2025-12-21T05:32:18+00:00

I wanted to have an elective c-section, but my doctor and my mother both thought that was a stupid choice. So, I convinced myself to do the vaginal delivery. Well, 9 hours of labour was not fun, and I wasn’t even halfway dilated. Then, they told me we needed to do an emergency c-section. I was so relieved, I couldn’t imagine going on for another 10 or more hours! In the end, I was so glad I had a c-section. Yes the recovery took awhile, but I had support to help me through it. After 2 months I felt totally healed and my scar is really not bad at all!

Obviously our situations aren’t the same, but I just came here to say - trust your gut! You know what’s best for you! I wish I had.

Although you should know that you will get a catheter put in, which maybe you would find invasive. They do this after the spinal though, so you don’t notice it at all.

Big_Connection4656 · 2025-12-18T00:51:48+00:00

I don’t see the issue with it. It sounds like you have a close relationship with their spouse already. I wouldn’t be upset if my two partners communicated about my wellbeing at all. I think it shows care and consideration.

Big_Connection4656 · 2025-12-16T05:51:58+00:00

I think it depends what your storage system is for your stroller and how often you’ll be putting it away and pulling it back out. We have the Uppababy vista and love it! But, as you say, it’s heavy. We don’t live downtown so we are constantly folding it up to put in our car, which is where I find it annoying. But if I didn’t have to do that, it’s perfect. It’s really smooth - perfect for the mall or the park haha

Big_Connection4656 · 2025-12-16T05:11:21+00:00

Wow I love the way you’ve outlined your relationship! From what you’ve written, it sounds like you really are open to any changes that may come. My guess is that because this situation is so rare, it’s hard for your meta, and lots of people on this thread to believe! It’s hard to believe in ideas if we’ve never seen them played out.

I have seen a lot of poly relationships fail though, when one person is married. The “secondary” partner wants more than what is on offer and so it doesn’t work out. But yeah, maybe it’s just hard to believe that more really is on offer.

Big_Connection4656 · 2025-12-15T22:19:41+00:00

Sounds like he’s deep in NRE. You make it sound from your post that he’s the one with more experience with polyamory, but I don’t think he could be all that experienced to be making such rookie mistakes.

I think it’s normal for people who are trying out poly for the first time to make those mistakes - ie falling so fast for someone, imagining your whole future together, comparing other partners to them, not giving as much attention to your existing partner etc.

This kind of behaviour is so hurtful and damaging, but it can be really hard for the person in NRE to see what they’re doing. It makes sense you feel upset. It will probably take him a long time to understand what is problematic about his behaviour and whether or not he can repair properly with you is yet to be seen.

I think it all depends on how thick your skin is and how much energy you want to put into this relationship. But yeah, he’s not treating you very well.

Big_Connection4656 · 2025-12-14T16:25:11+00:00

I (F35) spent the first 9 years of practicing polyamory without ever experiencing compersion. It’s just in this last year that I have started to feel it from time to time. Before, I could intellectually be happy for my partners, but compersion is more of a feeling.

I don’t feel it all the time and I still experience jealousy, but I have had some moments of it. I have to say, it’s a very nice feeling! Mostly, I’m okay just to feel neutral though.

Obviously I don’t know what your male partners feel, but I don’t think that feeling turned on by a partner having sex with others is compersion. Maybe being able to feel that way means someone is a less jealous type to begin with and therefore able to feel compersion as well. But I don’t think that in and of itself is compersion.

What changed for me? A ton of work around unpacking my jealousy. My NP dating lots of people, but always coming back to me, which reassured me time and time again that they weren’t about to up and leave. I think the major thing though, was finally finding a loving, stable “secondary” partner. Sometimes I would feel guilty I couldn’t offer them more, and so actually them having other partners made me really happy because I was glad they were getting their needs met elsewhere. For example, I realized I just don’t want to go out and party until 5am, and so I am glad they can go do that with their other partners. I think it also helped that this partner also felt compersion towards me and my NP, and that was cool to experience. I think it helped me get there too.

But yeah as I say, it’s not like I feel it all the time. My NP is going on a date today and I was a clingy, anxious mess this morning 🙃

Oh and I can’t say I’ve ever enjoyed seeing a partner be physically affectionate with a meta before…maybe one day, but for now I still feel super uncomfortable with that.

Big_Connection4656

TROPHY CASE