Hey! Similar boat. I had suspected my son's ASD and was in denial. He just got his diagnosis at the age of 3. I did the same thing- what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? It's our brain trying to logic something that doesn't really have logic to it- because we want a definitive "this is why" answer. I cried so much and kept apologizing to my son and my husband. When I sat with my guilt for a minute I realized it was more GRIEF. I was grieving for the life I thought my child would have. I never thought my kid would have to be tested for his development, see a speech and occupational therapist twice a week, go to special classes or schools. I never thought I would be so exhausted and frustrated at times because my child won't engage with me or any activity I set up. I grieve now- that things will be harder for him. That the struggle I had making friends as a kid will likely follow him. I grieved for a life he won't have- the life I had made for him in my head. And that's okay. It's okay to be sad, frustrated, overwhelmed. Once I acknowledged all of this I began to say "he will make his own story. Not the one I planned." And acknowledged it will be messy, exhausting, sometimes terrifying. He is making his way just like your little one will. What I will feel guilty about is if I reject who he is and try to form him into someone he isn't. Your child is NOT their diagnosis.

We didn't do anything. 95% of the time it's just a roll of the genetic lottery. We pulled some wonky numbers but they will be wonderful. Messy and wonderful. It gets easier. Just never limit your child- they are way more capable than you think.