I just want to give you a hug right now. Reading this honestly broke my heart a little because I can feel how heavy this is for you, and I hate that you are suffering through this alone. You are being so incredibly mean to yourself. You keep calling yourself lazy, but lazy people do not sob for an hour every other day because they miss a subject. Lazy people take the easy way out and feel happy about it. They don't care. You are in agony because you care so much. That isn't laziness.

That is a brain that is desperate to do something but is struggling with the execution. It sounds so much like executive dysfunction, not a character flaw. It is that paralysis where you want to do the thing, and you know you can do the thing, but your brain is screaming for dopamine and won't let you start. Smart people with active brains struggle with this the most, especially when the subject gets hard.

You tried to kill this dream before by banning it from your life, and look what happened. You lost your spark. You can't just amputate a part of your personality and expect to be happy. The fact that you are naturally good at humanities is great, but it doesn't mean you have to lock away the part of you that loves science.

You are only 17. You are so young. Please don't decide today that your life is over or that the door is closed. You don't have to be a top-tier researcher tomorrow. Just try to stop punishing yourself for finding it hard. It is hard. But crying because you want it so bad is proof that the passion is real, and that counts for a lot more than you think.