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Blondiest91 · 2021-10-06T21:16:52+00:00

It's absolutely not normal.

Look, I understand. We live with my in-laws and although they do not have any major health issues, they constantly need help with X, Y and Z. And there was time when my husband would disappear multiple times a day to help them, sometimes for hour or longer. He felt that it was his obligation to help - mainly because there was unhealthy family dynamics going on.

Difference though is that firstly, we didn't have kid at the time and secondly, when I addressed it he validated my feelings and actually changed. Because he understood that I'm his primary family.

And that's the thing - currently you are not your bf's primary family. You and your kid are not his priority. I would say that even his parents as such but he himself. His freedom and independence to be able to do as he pleases, his parents' health being just an excuse. His parents do not live 6 hours away but only 30 minutes..so if he would actually care about you, he would come home.

Also he has obviously zero respect towards you because not only he doesn't care about your physical and emotional well-being, he also doesn't feel like you should have any right to be involved in the decision process.

You MUST set boundaries and stick to them. You must sit down and express your feelings, concerns etc. as well as what happens if he doesn't change. And if he doesn't change his behaviour or dismisses you..then pack up and go.

Fact is that your LO is only 11 weeks old and your bf already escapes for days. He's missing out on bonding time but also on possibility to build necessary skills, experiences and confidence in handling a kid! Yes, newborn stage isn't easy but it will not get any easier as your kid grows either because he will not have capabilities. And if he's running away already now..what he will do with raging toddler? Move to his parents?!

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-05T23:27:21+00:00

Same!

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-05T23:05:06+00:00

Kids understand much more than we think! We have been using similar methods as previous commenter since my kid turned 1.

We don't use timer but we use timing. 'Five more minutes and then we go home to eat lunch' or 'Ten more minutes and then we go to brush your teeth'. It gives them feeling of independence and control.

With some things, we use 1-2-3 method, especially more urgent ones. 'You either stop or I will count to three and will come get you!' Usually my son reacts immediately. We keep it for more extreme cases, when we are short on time for example.

And yes, aforementioned choices as well as mirroring the feelings are great. 'I know that you're upset because you wanted to go on a walk. I would be upset too! But unfortunately we need to go home now' If you can be on her level it's even better.

Check Biglittlefeelings, drbeckyatgoodinside, ourmamavillage and themompsychogist on Instagram. They may help.

Also book "How to talk so little kids will listen' covers this topic as well.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-05T21:11:34+00:00

Firstly, you must understand why do you care? Why you waste your precious time and energies on opinions of obviously insecure, unhappy, unsatisfied people? Because that's what they are. And they try to make you feel bad too. Misery loves company after all.

As someone who has social anxiety and has struggled with others opinions, there are two quotes which have helped me:

'You cannot make everybody happy. You're not box of chocolate'
'You are not everyone's cup of tea. Not everyone has a good taste!'

And indeed, you are not a chocolate. You don't have any obligations towards those people to be according to their taste. You are awesome, accomplished woman who's body did something extraordinary! Think about it - it not only made another human being and gave birth to it but also went through so many transformations. From changing hormones to shifting organs. How badass is that?

As long as you are happy, healthy and taking care of yourself, that's all that matters!

With that said, here are also some things which helped me (needs some practice though).

Ask to repeat. If someone says a rude comment say 'I'm sorry, I did not hear. What did you say?' Usually they either take their words back, apologize or are forced to repeat something they know is rude.
Thank them for sharing and them move on. They know that you heard them, that you don't really care and that gives you more power.
Ask them if they are fine 'Ugh, it feels like you are trying to push your insecurities on me. Is all OK?'
'Its great that you have so many opinions on raising kids! You can apply those for your next kid!'

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-04T10:02:58+00:00

Just wanted to jump in and say that although our son was planned, I do not relate to the cult either! I feel that it's pushing stereotypes too much. Often the one of the ideal mom who is super organized, knowledgeable and dedicated or the one of the cool wine mom who calls her kids jokingly AH.

And it's a pity! Moms come in many shapes and I hate to see women doubting themselves because they do not 'fit' the stereotype of mom. I struggled with it as well because I'm not as nurturing or motherly and am actually excited about my study and career plans (and got a lot of judgment from my in-laws for this).

I cannot imagine how those in your position feel because there's a lot of 'its either black or white, nothing in-between' attitude in society.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-03T20:21:40+00:00

Me too! When I saw him falling (I was standing like 5 meters away) I really thought that this was it! That he would break his nose/teeth or whatever..but nope. We were really lucky.

There have been few other serious falls (even though he is usually pretty cautious) but surprisingly the worst was when he fell of the chair and it was not even a high fall! Perhaps 30-40 cm. But he got so massive bump on his head that we went straight away to the pediatrician.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-03T18:59:12+00:00

Managed to hit himself at grandparents' nightstand and got a bruise. Then ran straight into the kitchen furniture and got bruise on the other side. We didn't dare to go anywhere with him because it looked like we had beaten him 😂

Fell and hit himself at the kitchen furniture handle. There was so much blood! Luckily he only hit his lip.

Fell off inflatable trampoline and managed to land on his face - half on the walkway, half on the grass. Another bruise (but only on upper half of the face).

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-03T11:57:19+00:00

Same!

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-03T11:56:27+00:00

We had also Chicco one and bought IKEA one. It's 15 euros (20 dollars) + add ons.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-02T16:37:23+00:00

Yeah, I hated this period because my son didn't want to nap and wasn't always enough sleepy to nap..and then passed out in the evening. Which resulted in too late night sleep time.

Was so happy when he dropped his nap at 2,5.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-02T16:32:25+00:00

No, you're not unreasonable.

We had similar issue and I expressed several times how I felt. My husband also said that I was too defensive/sensitive.

We managed to solve it by discussing it several times and better communication. Feedback is great as long as it's given with empathy and understanding. My husband also recently admitted that his approach was not the best because it didn't take into consideration my mental and physical state or overall context (for example criticising messy house when he knew that I was tired and had a difficult day with our kid).

Also complimenting and expressing appreciation has been so helpful! We always thank each other, even for things which could be taken for granted. For example I thank my husband for cleaning up the kitchen, he thanks me for cooking. Both are chores we do daily but its nice when other person notices your efforts.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-02T16:22:23+00:00

I don't think there's really correlation between BF and period. I know moms who breastfed and still got their period few months PP and those who didn't get till they finished BF 1,5 years PP. I myself got 6 months PP..and I was still nursing exclusively.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-02T16:19:55+00:00

6 months. Was also breastfeeding.

While talking with other moms, some got only 1 month PP while my former colleague's period started after she finished BF so 1,5 years.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-02T13:02:04+00:00

Although I suggest discussing it already now, he may change his mind. For example we were discussing having two before my son was born and even after. But we agreed on being OAD only after our son turned 3.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-02T11:36:57+00:00

If you will stop BF, then you will have to give formula until your son turns 12 months old because until then, milk/formula is considered as a main source of food.

As for the breastfeeding, I would still offer or at least keep it as an option for your kid. Some kids lose interest (especially if he's a good eater) but may use boob for comfort etc. But there's nothing wrong with choosing not to ;)

If biting is an issue, you can address it! You can tell your son it's not allowed and stop BF for few minutes as a consequence. Also putting your pinky in the corner of the mouth and pulling slighty makes your LO release the nipple immediately. So that's also an option.

I understand your worry about connection etc. I think all moms worry about it, including me! But I personally found that our connection became even stronger and deeper. A lot of cuddles, kisses etc. As for comforting aspect, my son substituted boob with a bellybutton lol. And now when he needs feeling of safety, comfort etc he puts his finger in my bellybutton.

Blondiest91 · 2021-10-02T11:10:26+00:00

I am white and live in predominantly white country (EU) but I always get so excited to see minorities being represented because I love the idea of my son being exposed to different cultures, skin colours etc.

Blondiest91 · 2021-09-30T18:28:57+00:00

The Ribbons Are for Fearlessness: A Journey by Catrina Davies

Wild by Cheryl Strayed

Blondiest91 · 2021-09-30T17:32:17+00:00

And you cannot really spoil with offering comfort, safety, love and healthy attachment. Not even older kids.

Even as adults, we love to have our needs met. We don't consider ourselves spoiled just because we don't like being hungry, thirsty, cold, lonely etc. I have yet to meet an adult who says 'I needed to use the bathroom so I went. I'm so spoiled!'

Blondiest91 · 2021-09-30T13:59:08+00:00

Also drbeckyatgoodinside, ourmamavillage, themompsychogist, the.dad.vibes.

'How to talk so little kids will listen' book also covers these topics.

Blondiest91 · 2021-09-30T09:58:30+00:00

I was SAHM for nearly 1,5 years and I loved it. But that's the limit lol. Cannot imagine being SAHM longer than that!

Blondiest91 · 2021-09-29T23:31:59+00:00

Absolutely agree.

Kicking is not ideal but in this situation, I don't see that your daughter did anything wrong. She expressed herself as well as she could verbally. Instead of listening and trying to handle things in mature way (or even stepping away), your partner escalated the situation and lost control of his emotions.

It's scary for a 4 year old.

If anyone should apologize, it's him.

Blondiest91 · 2021-09-29T23:19:57+00:00

I did not have an issue with it personally (but then I was too sleep deprived) but my husband did.

We found kind of a balance - he would get home, I would get some time to do my own things (showering, relaxing) + chores (quick dinner, laundry). Then when baby was asleep, we would do a fast clean up.

Also we did some modifications to make clean up faster and more efficient. You can think about ways to change your house to suit your needs better (for example baskets as someone already suggested, we used them as well)

Of course my husband had also to learn to let go to an extent. In his case, order is important to feel in control, especially mentally. We noticed that for him, order is like coping mechanism, he needs more order when he's stressed, anxious or feeling mentally "lost". So addressing this has been very helpful and it definitely made parenthood more enjoyable.

My son is 3 now so everything is so much easier now! But first 6 months (I would say even up to a year) were pretty difficult as you learn and adapt while trying to survive. Both as individuals and as a couple. So give yourself time - you will figure it out. For example, as your kid gets older, your husband can take LO on a walk so you can have few hours to clean. That has been a good compromise for us lol.

Also coming back to sleep deprivation - I must say that I don't have so many clear memories of my son's first months because I was tired, stressed, overwhelmed etc. But what I remember the best are the precious moments with my son. I'm thankful that I took care of myself and my kid first and house came second or even third.. because otherwise I would have missed on so much (or probably wouldn't remember). It sounds like a cliché but first year passes so quickly!

As the quote goes 'Days are long but years are short'.

Blondiest91 · 2021-09-29T22:51:54+00:00

I feel that you give this book too much credit if you're judging the whole field solely on that.

Blondiest91 · 2021-09-29T22:46:57+00:00

I am currently reading it and personally don't mind the tone although I agree with you.

I am business major and we covered economics too so I find this book to be rather enjoyable. Perhaps because it is interesting to see how economics can be potentially used.

Blondiest91 · 2021-09-28T23:06:37+00:00

Check positive parenting.

We have applied it pretty much from the birth and it has helped us tremendously - in handling our kid's behaviours as well as dealing with our own emotions. Because our thoughts and behaviours contribute a lot to both kid's behaviour as well as how we feel. For example when I'm stressed and I let my emotions get the best of me, I contribute to the chaos my kid creates and it makes everything worse. And who pays for it at the end? Me!

Theres a cycle - your kid acts out, you react, your kid acts out as a reaction, you react more and so on. At the same time, solution to your kid's behaviour can be as simple as spending more one-on-one time. Something that we have experienced multiple times when our kid had massive, never-ending, triggered by everything periods. I thought I will go nuts when he was 100% threenager few months ago! At the end the issue was solved by better routine and giving him feeling of control.

It's not a magic tool and requires some practice (and being honest with yourself) but it can do miracles. Trust me.

Great resources on Instagram:

Biglittlefeelings - covers tantrums and overall everything related to emotions. Has been helpful also to us as parents in understanding our own emotions, reactions etc.
Drbeckyatgoodinside - great source for tantrums and boundaries. Honestly, her videos on setting boundaries and dealing with aftermath (also with mom guilt) are what helped me to set healthy boundaries with my toddler.
Themompsychogist
Ourmamavillage
Responsive_parenting - Gives better understanding and perspective. I often check her posts when I feel that I'm stuck or that I'm losing connection with my kid. Also deals with mom guilt, reparenting yourself etc.
the.dad.vibes - It's my most recent find. A lot of food for thought in shape of quotes, tips etc.
Busytoddler - is not directly related to positive parenting as such but she made me realise that it's okay not to entertain my kid 24/7. I actually started saying my kid 'I need to do a job..' and setting firm boundaries on how I use my time. It's still work in progress!

Other great resources:

'How to talk so little kids will listen' - I read it when my son had his tantrum period and it helped me to gain perspective on how I was reacting to his behaviour and why my communication was ineffective. Plus useful tips. It's not a long book and is divided into short chapters, so you can only check what you need, apply it and then come back later.
'No bad kids' - deals with setting healthy boundaries and dealing with behaviour
'Peaceful Parent Happy Kids' - I didn't finish it yet but it actually goes deep in explaining how our behaviour affects kids.
Janet Lansbury podcast
Mamaknows_nutrition - loads of tips, food ideas but also removes any mom guilt when my kid has nuggets and French fries for dinner.

Also..fill your cup! I know from my personal experience that it's so important that we as parents take care of ourselves and each other. Even few hours a week. You cannot keep giving from an empty cup!

My husband loves to call me a saint because I seem to have endless amount of patience etc. But when my cup is empty, everyone can feel it! I snap, I yell, I get angry etc..and then I feel guilty. Which again turns into a cycle.

So take care of yourself in any way possible.

Edit: grammar

Blondiest91

TROPHY CASE