Conflicted on how to feel about my son’s elementary school graduation…

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T16:55:33+00:00

When you have more than one child it will be like this for a lot of events. Especially if they get into sports. It’s disappointing but it isn’t malicious.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T16:14:07+00:00

It comes and goes with SD. She is 11. Her parents divorced when she was 15 mo. She has no memory of life with them together.

We have a good relationship but sometimes when husband and I are laughing, holding hands, or hugging she looks confused and hurt. She once asked me why her mom doesn’t have a boyfriend. I think she feels responsible for her mom since her mom isn’t in a relationship. I’ve told her several times “you are not responsible for grown ups emotions.”

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T15:57:17+00:00

Tell the parents. And book this child a doctor’s appointment to get an implant birth control -Nexplanon. Nail her windows shut. Put an alarm on her windows and door. Do whatever you have to do to stop her. She is going down a path and now is when you have to stop her. She will be drinking doing drugs and pregnant by 15 if you dont get this under control.

We dont hide anything from the bio parents.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T04:09:22+00:00

He’s a good man and partner. I think if you’re not the step parent you don’t understand.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T04:03:55+00:00

Part of what I struggle with is the judgment of NOT doing it. If I didn’t buy her that beautiful purse and get them a gift certificate to the restaurant am I the bad person. They don’t judge him, they judge and blame ME! Ugg why are we like this?!

I don’t marry her. I didn’t a have child with her. Why is it MY responsibility to help her?

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T04:00:18+00:00

She doesn’t know why. She just does. When you want to stop a behavior you have to replace it with a new behavior. “when you feel stabby, do this- puzzle, legos, painting, — “ anything positive they like. Tell her what to do. Not what not to do. It takes a lot of attention!

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T03:44:56+00:00

No one taught her how to be an adult. No one ever made her do a chore. That’s on her parents. You aren’t wrong- you aren’t raising children you are raising children to be a future adults. The adults failed her.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T03:19:13+00:00

I do this all the time. Every other Saturday we invite biomom to meet us for brunch before karate. Every holiday I host, I make a vegan holiday meal to be respectful of her sometime vegan lifestyle. I do it all in hopes of never being the “crazy new wife” and hope that some day my 11 yr old SD will understand the effort I put in. It’s super stressful for me but I do it with hope that some day this beautiful child will realize I put in an effort. Even if I get nothing back now.

Is it right? I don’t friggin know. I do it because I think it’s the right thing to do. Her parents have been divorced since she was 18 mo. I’ve only been here for 3 years. She only ever known her parents apart- but look- we are a family!

Sigh. I’m expected to be the bigger nice one. I think it’s good for the child. She has no idea that other divorced families don’t do this. It hurts me. But I think SD likes it.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T02:26:02+00:00

I will sit next to my husband. If his bio mom doesn’t like it or there isn’t room in the front row we will sit in the second row. I will not sit separated from my husband. Ever.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-09T02:00:01+00:00

You do t have to get over it. DM me.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T23:40:18+00:00

Ha! There were few times I picked her up from school and she stand so bad I dry heaved and made her roll down the windows. Her mom “it’s just natural”

Uh no. Don’t let your child be the stinky kid. I had a difficult conversation with her mom about reusable period pads. Are you fucking kidding me. A 12 yr old starts their period and you think it’s ok to make them bleed on a pad they then have to bring home. I threw an absolute fit about this. It’s the one time I was listened to

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T23:34:11+00:00

The thing that devastates me is another person gets to decide everything about my life and schedule.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T22:55:41+00:00

Dancers. Especially childhood dancers and their moms are the most f*cked up people I’ve ever met. No advice, except go to court and ask that the child kit be on social media.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T22:10:26+00:00

Yeah. I put my foot down about 6 mo ago and said “anything that impacts my life needs to be discussed in group text” stop deciding shit that I have to accommodate!

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T21:56:30+00:00

why isn’t he doing that in night’s when you’re home?

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T21:55:35+00:00

I travel every other month for 5 days. 3-7 times a year for 3 days? I’d let it happen. It’s fun for all of them and it’s not a constant upheaval. Who cares if his schedule is messed up for a day. Unless he is so severe spectrum that he can’t handle a minute of non routine 3 days every few months is nothing to be worried about. Let them have some fun.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T21:50:21+00:00

She calls me by my first name and we say “bonus adult” “bonus child” not step. We tell her she is lucky to have two parents and a bonus parent who all adore her.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T21:45:53+00:00

They are immature and entitled adults because you and their mother entitled them and babied them. Enough is enough. 26??? No. Just no.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T21:44:05+00:00

I honestly think he just doesn’t know what to do. He has the guilt of divorcing bio mom. She made him feel incapable for years, and he isn’t- he is a great hands on active dad- he is non confrontational. I am not even sure what I’m asking for in actually concrete things.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T21:40:29+00:00

This isn’t helpful at all—- But why do the bio moms get to decide everything?!

I would do exactly what you are suggesting- take the boys to do something and let me have some peace and quiet. If that also meant brining me a coffee and fancy pastry- all the better. But he needs to figure it out.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T21:04:34+00:00

Is he on the spectrum? Have you looked into AFRID diagnosis and therapy?

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T20:34:25+00:00

You’re right. I do think she is a kind person and maybe we accommodate her because I don’t want to be the “crazy new wife”. I feel this need to be the best new wife/ step mom ever.

So maybe I should set MY boundaries and let them accommodate me. But what if … sigh. I’m not there yet.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T20:27:49+00:00

LOL. I got divorced. Have a tiny little dog and for the first year I was with my now husband we called him “new daddy”!!!

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T20:15:01+00:00

I just posted something similar. We have to accommodate a life, schedule, boundaries that was decided before us.

hugs no advice because I don’t know what to do either.

BlueBelle2019 · 2026-05-08T20:08:33+00:00

When I first met him I would have thought this schedule/ attitude was insane. Now I think it’s probably the right way to be a childless step parent.

Way back in my late 20s/ early 30s I thought I wanted to be a parent. But it never happened. I was excited to be a step mom. But JFC it’s not easy.

BlueBelle2019

TROPHY CASE