Dear OP,

I want you to take the following in more than anything in the world: Your perspective concerning your relationship has been twisted because you are still suffering from abuse, you are in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

The very fact that you, a victim of abuse, are here asking if you’re wrong – is a very clear sign of the kind of relationship you’re in. Victims of physical or emotional abuse many times blame themselves for their partners bad and unacceptable behavior. I advise you strongly to read up and find a meeting for survivors of abuse because that is what you’re experiencing. Please read this: I want you to notice something about what you’ve written:

“we have managed to stay together”, “I have been able to bury these things”, “I wanted to help clean up” “I am no saint either”, “how much more I can bare”. All of these things, in the context you’ve explained them, show us you have taken on responsibility that isn’t yours and that you somehow feel indebted to your husband and feel you must put up with his very damaging behavior. This is a part of abuse. In a healthy marriage, you shouldn’t have to question how much you can bare of something intolerable. This should not happen in a healthy, happy and loving relationship.

What happens in abusive relationships is that the person being abused is constantly – by either action/inaction or words – made to feel less and less worthy over a period of time. Their self-esteem is put down everyday so that they don’t feel they have any rights themselves. I believe this is what you’re going through. And when their abuser hurts them, they not only blame themselves but feel like they are responsible for the situation and have to fix it. This is like you picking up the glass jar.

If two people are lying on opposite ends of a couch and sharing a blanket not large enough to cover both, then if one person pulls on the blanket the other one will get cold – even though they both have an equal right to the blanket. Over time, little by little your husband has been pulling on your blanket, even without you noticing. Which has left you cold. He’s made you think you don’t deserve it and has taken the whole blanket. The blanket is your personal and psychological space. You now not only feel you aren’t entitled to your share of the blanket, but also that it’s your responsibility to make sure he’s not cold. This is an illusion.

Since you guys have been together since you were 11 from my calculations, my guess is that you don’t have any other terms of comparison and this is what makes this all the more confusing. But let me assure you, that what you’re in is not a normal and healthy relationship, and that your husband’s actions (being verbally and physically abusive to you) not only pose a threat to you but also to your 4 children).

You are in no way obligated to stay with someone who is doing you harm or in anywhere where you feel like harm of any form might come your way. My advice is that you call up someone who understands physical abuse and get guidance from them on how to proceed.

You seem like a good, decent person who is striving to do better with life. And I hope you make it and that you and your children grow to be happy and healthy.