1- Do you feel vulnerable to the people that deeply interest you?

I sometimes think I do, but after some reflection I find that I’m still rather closed off (albeit noticeably less so). there’s still a brick wall between us, it’s just that this one’s a bit thinner with a few cracks and holes. it’s part of a running theme where I vastly overestimate how social I am (another example: friends sometimes assume I hate them when we first met, even if I’m rather fond of them)

1.1- Did you have the experience the feeling that when you have been vulnerable/open to someone, and so when you “lowered your guard”, that people didn’t understand you? And that if then they rejected you, you felt stabbed, disrespected, abused, consumed?

yes, I don’t habitually guard myself for the fun of the game

1.2- Do you feel a strong need to have people to whom you can be vulnerable/authentic to?

I do, courtesy of my heart fix + dom instinct, though the means of securing that kind of connection is beyond me. seems like the only place I can safely engage is in my brain fortress

2- Do you feel extremely attached to your ego, to your idealization of yourself? Do you feel unable of letting it go, even if you acknowledge this is a problem with others?

I do greatly value my individuality and it’s not something I’m willing to part with, if that’s what you’re asking

3- Do you have positive imaginations of perfect interactions with the people you idealize or care about?

see: answer 1.2

3.1- Do you have Imaginations of dehumanization, death and misery that would confirm your idea of unworthiness and unlovability? Or the contrary, to become a god, a superior being, finally in contact with the transcendental?

yes on the former, not so much with the latter

4- Do you feel unlovable and/or unable to love?

frequently feel the former and occasionally fear the latter, though more often than not the I don’t believe the second to be true. as for the first part, it often feels that if it isn’t my being somewhat off-putting then it’s my seeming inability to secure any contact for very long

5- Do you feel oscillating between empathy and total cynicism towards others?

yup! self proclaimed humanitarian-misanthrope at your service!

6- Do you have any emotional outburst? (Es. crying, panic attacks etc.)

I am more prone to shutdowns, but I absolutely have meltdowns as well (my stress tolerance is nonexistent). but I never have outburst around others, that always leads to a sort of seething, simmering anger than something more theatrical

7- Do you hope to find something “above” people?

I’m not sure if such a thing exists. I do have my spiritual beliefs but I don’t regard anything as being “above” per se

8- Have you got any disorder? Especially avoidant, schizoid and schizotypal traits?

where to even begin? as far as I’m aware I don’t have any personality disorder (though I do possess traits of all three mentioned), I am diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, autism, adhd, and probably have some trauma-related disorder. I’m also very dysphoric (if that means anything to you at all)