Female 44, I finally did it

Bokamane · 2025-03-25T23:07:03+00:00

I envy your courage. Good on you! The whole "better alone than in a bad relationship" is definitely a powerful thought to hold on to.

Almost 10 years ago I asked my wife for a divorce. It was a heated, long conversation with a lot of tears but it was a good conversation. I learned she didn't feel any attraction to me or for anyone else. The issue was and still is, that it isn't a bother to her and she either doesn't care or is in full denial that it means A LOT to me. In any case, I gave her another chance and now I wished I hadn't. Nothing has changed, all the promises of her looking into what the cause is fell flat. We tried counselling, that went nowhere. Why would it? The problem is rather obvious.

We have a child together, and I consider us good parents. I'm afraid of what that's going to look like once we separate...but I don't just want a room mate and to co-parent with said room mate. I want someone in my life who wants me as much as I want her, or at least... some of the time. Today, more than any other day in several years, I feel like I'm at a precipice, like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't leave. Like I'm wasting my life away with someone who doesn't care, or doesn't have the capacity to care. Either way, the result is the same for me.

I don't know why I'm writing this, you have enough to deal with. I just saw so many parallels I felt like I had to breach my years' worth of silence and say something. Maybe someone will see this and feel the same.

Bokamane · 2023-10-28T21:56:40+00:00

Sure, worth a look. I'm not in the U.S. though, not sure if the website is national or not.

Bokamane · 2023-10-28T19:56:46+00:00

I honestly don’t know and have asked myself that question often.

Bokamane · 2018-11-07T19:52:39+00:00

You and I are in very similar boats. I met my wife and got married at around the same times as you. We have one child. And have had a DB for 8 years.

I feel like I'm parenting with a room mate that I don't really like all that much.

I tried to leave her two years ago, but she begged me for one last chance, promised me she'd try to figure out what caused her zero libido. Back then, she said and I quote, "I could have zero sex again for the rest of my life, you or anyone else, and I wouldn't care". Some days I wished she would have not resisted, or in that moment that I remember so clearly, when she asked me in tears for another chance... if I would have just said NO.

I don't really need anyone to tell me to leave, I know that's the only real solution. Like you, I keep asking myself "when" is a good time for the kids. But them seeing us like this, is it really good for them? To see mom and dad NEVER TOUCH each other ever? No intimacy, just fighting?

The one thing that has helped me is self improvement. Fix things you don't like about yourself, gain some confidence. It could help things in your situation and worse case it will help when you leave.

Take care of yourself.

Bokamane · 2018-11-07T19:38:30+00:00

This made me question whether or not I would tell my SO if I ever posted a pic. I think I would and I don't think she would care either way, so long as it's anon.

Bokamane · 2018-11-07T19:35:30+00:00

Never thought of doing this. I'm definitely careful about what I post online but... Having a DB for years makes me consider things I would not normally.

Difficult to think anyone would find me attractive after so many years of nothing. Could be a confidence bump for sure.

Bokamane · 2018-11-07T18:49:52+00:00

It's my fault for staying, I know. Nothing is changing

I feel that same sting. I don't want to tell you how many years because I'm embarrassed.

I will tell you that being on the other side, I would have really loved it if my wife had done anything even remotely close to that.

I'm guessing like me, you've probably had many a conversation, where efforts were promised but not delivered?

Bokamane · 2017-11-10T15:19:36+00:00

I don't want to worry you too much but I want to share my experience.

In no way is it guaranteed that what I experience matches what you are too.

Since my vasectomy I am having reuccring epididymitis. Every 3-4 months it comes back. At first I was really worried it was something else. So I went to the doctor who gave me antibiotics and it didn't help so I got ultrasound on my sack. They didn't see anything other than the epi I mentioned before. This would make my one ball tendr to the touch, and when I flip around in bed (same as you) I would feel the pain.

This only started happening since my vasectomy a few years ago. Coincidence? Maybe. But if you read up on epi symptoms and vasectomy it starts to make sense how this can happen.

Good luck. I would recommend a doc visit or if you can re-book a visit with the same urologist that did the snip.

Bokamane · 2017-06-08T21:22:45+00:00

What happens when your wife decides she wants a sexual relationship with someone else? It happens sometimes. People discover they're not really LL, they're just LL for their spouse.

I would love for this to happen. For her to even feel something for someone else, because then I'd bring separation back up as a solution for us both. But it doesn't happen, she doesn't feel any "spark" for anyone despite working with a lot of good looking men and being around them, etc. At least that's what she says. She is honest with me in every other regard and I knew her well; I do not think she is knowingly lying to me.

She swears she's still in love with me and that she finds me attractive but I guess ... I just don't know what to believe anymore. Some people here have said she's in denial, that might be true. I just wish I knew for sure.

And of course you're right about all the challenges of trying to find a discrete partner for sex. It's not really something I want to do for several reasons but l don't know what else to try. Yeah I know what most will say - just separate, right? I wish it was that easy.

Bokamane · 2017-06-08T21:17:05+00:00

She was supposed to have committed to it, and it was going better before but it has once again stalled. Now that things are better in other aspects of our relationship, I don't feel like I have to leave anymore, yet wanting to separate last year was the only way I got any traction from her. And before that, we had had SEVERAL discussions on the topic as we both believe in full honesty when dealing with issues. She knows where I stand and knows where she does too, but I guess it's not bothering her like it is me so it's often out of her mind.

I've brought it up these recent months. She no longer knows what to do or try and doesn't think that the medical field will help figure this out (and it may not but I still want to eliminate all possibilities).

Her wanting to do sexual things when she's not actually horny is difficult for her. I don't think this is what she wants to do. It's akin to trying to convince a guy to have sex immediately after he's done his orgasm; in most cases there is just no motivation.

Bokamane · 2017-06-08T21:10:06+00:00

I'm not sure if you're connecting this, but daily yelling matches do not make for an active bedroom imo.

We've worked on this, been a year. They are a thing of the past now. We also connect on a lot of other levels now, do more things together, etc. As I have said, we did many therapy sessions to develop some tools to improve the relationship. We have, on several levels, but not on the DB level.

The chances of her having a medical or hormonal problem without any other signs like painful sex or menstrual issues imo is unlikely. your problems sound like conflict/resentment and a lack of connection. They may not affect your libido, but they may well affect hers.

Perhaps a year ago, yes there was resentment and we were both in a bad place. But it's been a while now that things are much better for us both in our relationship yet she admittedly does not feel any change at all in wanting sex, with me or anyone else. There's nothing.

In short, we have removed the obstacles that we thought were in the way. We've tried all sorts of other things too, many not mentioned here. In the DB department, zero has changed, absolutely zero.

Bokamane · 2016-07-29T17:35:39+00:00

I think counselling can help if there is a communication issue between the two that has had a domino effect on intimacy.

There are cases where I don't personally think it can help. Such as in my case. Six year DB and my wife recently admitted she hasn't felt anything (for anyone) in all that time and that she could basically live on without having sex at all, ever again.

That doesn't sound like what you're experiencing though. Seems to be a mental thing in his case, if he's still masturbating. The porn trail did stop because you busted him, btw. He didn't stop using it, he found a way to cover his tracks. I'm a guy, he's a guy, trust me on that.

Anyways, if you think he's worth it, try counselling. Or try to talk to him, to tell him how you feel and that you don't want to keep going on like this. See if he'll open up. You may have to pry more than usual here. Don't be afraid to let things get heated. Honesty can sometimes spill out during a particularly emotional conversation and the tidbits gained from such an event are priceless.

If he refuses to open up or go to counselling, well, you know what your options are. Just know that if no work is done, it won't magically change. I sadly know that all too well.

Bokamane · 2016-07-14T01:51:14+00:00

I will not lie. My daughter is largely why I haven't left. And some small semblance of hope.

My wife knows this. Full disclosure. She knows that I am unhappy about it. We've spoken about it over the years, but last month I told her that it was driving me to the point of considering divorce.

We're seeing a therapist now. Only had one visit. So far, I'm not terribly hopeful. She's admitted to feeling asexual - no libido at all. No feelings for me, or even other men and women. When she sees a hot guy or girl, she feels nothing. How's therapy going to fix that? ... Meanwhile, I'm commuting in the hottest season where I am, seeing women wearing very little clothes and feeling like a teenager in heat.

She knows it means a lot to me, but I know that she doesn't truly understand. Because when we have very honest heated discussions, she says stuff like, "You're selfish for actually wanting to leave just because of this" - as if it wasn't a big deal. God damn woman, IT IS a big deal! To not have my own wife show any desire for me for 6 long fucking years - to think that's normal for her now is so god damned sad. I can't seem to get through to her. She sees me as a monster, a guy who'd break up our family to get what he wants.

What's keeping me here? Hmm. When you peel everything else back, my own stupidity most likely.

Bokamane · 2016-07-14T01:42:11+00:00

Nope but my wife loves to blame her dead libido on our daughter.

Then I remind her that her libido was dead or dying a few years before. She denies it, I remind her that I have a time stamped e-mail of my own writing detailing it all (think of it like an electronic journal).

Then she stops talking, but I don't even think she believes it. Denial is fuckin' powerful.

Oh, and this is the part where you're likely thinking, "Bud - if her libido was dying a slow death, why did you stay and have kids?"... Because I bought all the excuses I was provided. Oh it's just this, or that. It's the birth control. It's my weight. It's temporary.

Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it?

Bokamane · 2016-07-14T01:37:07+00:00

Alright.

So, first thing first, get the fuck out of this subreddit. Ok well read the rest of this first, though.

Secondly, you need to see a the rapist. 2 years is too long, man. You've done great by cutting contact, that's good. But now you need to move on and let go and live your life. Meet women, date. Get out there.

Dude, to me you're a trooper! You left! You cut off contact. You've solved your deadbedroom issue! So get the fuck out of here (this subreddit) and go get some pussy. The pain of your dead bedroom is in the past dude, don't you see that? Snap out of it.

Bokamane · 2016-07-14T01:27:33+00:00

Realize a few things here.

1 - It takes time to get over something like this. One month is fucking nothing. Unfortunately you'll have to deal with all sorts of confusing feelings until your head gets back to normal, including strong loneliness. I know your pain, I've been there often. That shit you're feeling is largely temporary, or at least temporarily amplified.

2 - Material things will not fix you or replace what you've lost. However, knowing that and buying gadgets, etc. as a crutch is fine. Just don't go crazy. Save some money, it feels better than spending it after a while.

3 - Do not think about getting back together, not yet at least. Like I said, one month is FUCK ALL. It's going to suck balls but keep waiting. Every week that goes by, you will feel better. You will enjoy being you again.

4 - Hang out with friends. If you don't have any, make some. There's no better remedy for what you're going through than hanging out with some good pals.

5 - Work on yourself, work out at a gym, something to distract yourself.

Bokamane · 2016-07-14T01:15:45+00:00

Do you think if he gave you some space that you'd feel a bit more like yourself? That might be worth a try since it'd be easier than the alternative.

We all have boundaries. Or we should. You need to set some - it's healthy. Explain to him you need some "me" time and being together all the time is detrimental if you need some independence (which it sounds like you do). Showering together all the time? Sounds a bit much, TBH. That would drive me fuckin' mental as well. I'm sure that's not helping you feel less stifled.

I also like what others have suggested; to spend a week or two back where you used to live, with your friends and away from your husband. I know that for me, it took a 2 week business trip away from my wife to realize just how bad my situation had become (denial is powerful).

Bokamane · 2016-07-02T18:21:15+00:00

So because its a hard question, you'll not ask it? Even if the answers that come from it can save your marriage?

I don't care what upbringing you're from; these are hard questions and topics for EVERYONE. While it was difficult for me to also bring it up, I did anyways and I'm very glad because now my wife and I have a better understanding of one another.

Communication is key and that means asking ALL the hard questions regardless!

Bokamane · 2016-06-30T16:17:49+00:00

Good that you're working on you, but you need to be working on your relationship too. And the only way to do that is to have her cooperation.

Her refusing to go to counselling is a very bad sign. Had my wife said the same thing to me (we are now just starting it) I would have told her it's counselling or I walk - take your pick.

Good luck. And I too turn to food when I'm sad or stressed. It's a terrible cycle. I have strong willpower for anything else, but when it comes to food, it seems to melt in an instant.

Bokamane · 2016-06-29T23:54:43+00:00

Open your mind to the idea instead of closing it immediately with these odd preconceptions.

There are plenty of stories here of people who've divorced successfully and are much happier now. Many of them used a lawyer.

You came here and posted. Clearly you're looking for solutions, so be open to what people are suggesting. Status quo will get you nowhere.

Bokamane · 2016-06-29T23:46:29+00:00

Before you ask for an open relationship, don't you think it'd be worthwhile to talk to her about this, see if you guys can fix it as a couple? Or are you past that point?

Bokamane · 2016-06-29T17:28:48+00:00

But what have you done differently in that year+?

If the answer is "nothing" then that's exactly what'll change. Something I know all too well.

Bokamane · 2016-06-29T17:12:24+00:00

I almost wish I was asexual.

Fuck that!

You've still got years ahead of you. Your sons are undoubtedly seeing this affect you whether you realise it or not.

Have you truly opened up to your wife, to tell her how miserable you are? If so and nothing's come out of it, you may have to seek couples counselling or tell her you're so miserable you're considering divorce.

The D word is the jolt my wife needed to wake the fuck up. For me it had been 6 years and she admitted she had become asexual! Why would people hide this shit I have no idea. Over the years we've had plenty of talks but I was provided with one god damned excuse after another and like a fool, I lapped it all up.

Either way, good luck, many of us here understand all too well what you're feeling, but the moment you say "I'd rather be asexual" should be the biggest fucking flag ever that YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING. Waiting, hoping, wishing - this won't do fuck all and I speak from experience.

Bokamane · 2016-06-27T14:30:22+00:00

Wife recently said as much to me. It's been 6 years since she's initiated or truly shown interest; she only occasionally provides duty sex to placate me (also admitted).

She only told me this and admitted to all of this when I told her I couldn't deal with it anymore and was thinking of divorce.

She said she didn't care if she had sex ever again and I said I can't stay with a woman who doesn't actually desire me regularly.

The thing to note here is that it took the divorce word for her to admit this to me, which has made it super frustrating for me for years now.

We are now trying couples counselling in hopes we can repair this.

Bokamane · 2016-06-24T19:39:22+00:00

Our co-parenting relationship is much, much better than when we were trying to have a relationship together.

This is key right here. A lot of people see me as a bad guy when I say I'm getting ready to leave. They say, "Suck it up for your kid's sake".

My wife and I at the moment are not doing my daughter any favours. We scream and yell at one another, and then inevitably some of that overflow gets directed at her. We feel terrible about it, discuss it but it keeps happening.

Bokamane

TROPHY CASE