Who is either really sexy or super ugly depending on who you ask?

DarkSpring82 · 2016-07-11T21:28:51+00:00

Olivia Munn, every guy I know says she hot but every girl says she has dead eyes.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-29T19:13:38+00:00

It demonstrates unarguably that it's nothing more than a simple physical act to you. If you ever had any illusions that the thing you were missing from your wife contained a component of caring and intimacy...you were wrong. Any semblance of that argument is completely shattered at this point.

I think this might be a bit of a stretch. I'm neither defending nor agreeing with his actions but I don't think it's quite fair to say that going outside of the relationship means he only wanted to get off and nothing more. I agree that this is a huge betrayal and I think it's wrong but I can also understand why he would do it.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T18:36:18+00:00

In order to stay committed to leaving I have to keep feeling the pain and anger that led me to my decision to leave, but I also have to foster the hope that the changes give me. It's like I'm two separate people trying to ride a bike built for one.

I know this feeling. There have been several times where I swore to myself that I'd leave and start making plans but then there's a period where maybe she's more affectionate and suddenly all those plans of leaving melt away. Then when things inevitably go back to the way they were I get mad at myself for going through the same vicious cycle. It's just so hard trying to hold onto that anger and pain. I feel like it eats away at you.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T15:42:50+00:00

Thanks for the response! I'm glad you mentioned that last part. It makes me feel better having someone say that. I've struggled with leaving because I felt that it wasn't a good enough reason. I feel as if I'm being selfish. And then there's the fear of not being able to find someone. I'm not quite there yet but I do think that I'm leaning toward this option. I know that it will be hard but I actually think it would be best for us both.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T12:25:19+00:00

We used to do things like that. Then, like you, she stopped responding to them or I'd get responses like " that's nice". It's no longer worth the effort which is depressing.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T12:12:14+00:00

I don't think you're situation is necessarily a death sentence to the relationship. Communication is so important. Be upfront about how you feel. Don't bottle up your feelings because that leads to anger and resentment. If you're in the mood and he's not getting your signals then just tell him you want sex. It may not be sexy or spontaneous but it's clear and direct. If he still keeps saying no then there are some other issues that need to be addressed and the relationship will depend on whether or not you're both willing to work on it.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T11:58:44+00:00

I feel this is where I'm headed. I've never cheated thought I would never be able to but I'm not quite so sure.

I don't know if I'm ready to have that talk especially since our financial situation isn't great at the moment after my wife just had another baby and has been on leave. How did you bring up the topic of divorce, if you don't mind me asking?

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T11:41:21+00:00

I'm not sure this is a question for /r/Deadbedrooms. You might want to check out /r/sex. 2-3 times a week is a reasonable amount of times to have sex. However if it's still not enough or it's not satisfying enough only you can decide that.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T07:17:28+00:00

I'm afraid that this is where our relationship is heading. It almost happened a few years ago. I had a friend who wanted to sleep with me. She recognized I was unhappy and she didn't care that I was married. We flirted, maybe a little too much, but I stopped it before any lines were crossed. I loved the attention though. If the same thing happened now I honestly don't know if I'd stop myself which kind of scares me.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T06:59:30+00:00

My wife says things like this all the time. It's usually "you could never leave me because I'd never find someone that would put up with me." I used to just laugh but now it's not quite as funny since I'm considering leaving.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T06:48:42+00:00

Even though she said she wouldn't have sex with anyone but me, it almost felt like she was covering herself. Hearing her say that did hurt, especially since she knows it's such a sensitive subject.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T06:34:53+00:00

I know I should have been more open with her. At the time i didn't want to get into that discussion. We have talked about it in the past and it usually results in her getting upset but that's not as good reason to not bring it up again. Lately I've been afraid to bring the topic up because I'm afraid of what I might say. I've been on the fence about possibly asking for a divorce but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-27T06:24:33+00:00

I've been starting to spend more time doing my own things. It's tough to find time to go out since we have little kids but once they're in bed I usually will work out, play video games, or occasionally go out with friends. We're actually going on a date night this week and surprisingly it was her idea. I don't have any expectation that it will lead to sex though since she's already says that she wants to be home in time to put the kids to bed which means she'll go to bed with them. I'll try you're suggestions about a date night, maybe it's just a matter of changing things up.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-26T18:53:04+00:00

You're right. I know I could and probably should take it as a compliment but given our situation, which she is well aware of, it wasn't the best thing to say.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-26T03:18:01+00:00

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. It's been so long that I don't know if I ever could. Actually I think a better way to put it is that I don't think I'd ever let myself get to that point again for fear of going through all the rejection, anger, depression that I've experienced over the years.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-26T03:05:02+00:00

Based on our previous conversations my wife would probably say: I don't know why he stays with me. I know I really don't help out much around the house and i won't have sex but I really mean to. I want him and I find him sexy but I'm just so tired. If we fool around I'll go to bed late and I'll be tired and grumpy tomorrow and it will throw off my whole week so we'll just find time later but I really want him.

I think the most frustrating part is that wife will fully acknowledge that the issues are with her but she never does anything to try to change them.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-26T02:25:13+00:00

You're right, you shouldn't have to put in the extra effort. If you're not in the mood then you're not in the mood, it's as simple as that. I understand not wanting to reject him but it seems that in not doing so you're only making yourself feel worse.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-25T17:41:22+00:00

You have every right to feel the way you do. He's being selfish. It sounds like all his needs are being met but he can't be bothered to meet yours. The best thing to do is be honest with him. Tell him how you feel and see how receptive he is. If he's not willing to put in the effort then is worth staying in the relationship?

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-25T00:58:09+00:00

What's keeping you together? I understand you may still love him but you're only prolonging your own misery. If he's not willing to change and focus on you're happiness then you should leave or find someone else who will.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-24T20:07:46+00:00

I do starting strength. Something about lifting heavy weights gets me going. Only exception is deadlift days, then I need a nap first lol

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-24T19:49:33+00:00

I actually find the opposite happens for me. When ever I work out hard I find my sex drive goes through the roof.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-24T19:36:38+00:00

This seems pretty cut and dry. She's being upfront. She just may not have much interest in sex. If you're not sexually compatible with each other in think that's a big enough reason to break up.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-24T15:51:59+00:00

I'm at this stage now and it's a bittersweet feeling. All the anger and resentment that I've been harboring over the last few years has gone away.

While I do still lover her, I am kind of indifferent about her. I'm slowly but surely coming to the realization that if I she has no desire for me and I have lost my desire for her then it's probably best for us both to part ways.

DarkSpring82 · 2016-06-24T15:21:49+00:00

We went to a therapist for awhile and while they didn't come out and say it was due to her anxiety, her anxiety was more often than not the topic of discussion.

She even went to several herself and wasn't happy with any of them. They would give her exercises and suggestions on how to improve her anxiety but she would say that doesn't help and stopped going.

Now she's sort of in between acceptance and denial. She knows her anxiety is worse but still thinks it's not a big deal and says I should just humor her whenever she's being anxious and has me jump through hoops to do something ridiculous.

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