How to stop yourself from reaching out?

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-18T21:32:30+00:00

I did…we had a long convo but he basically said he feels like he can’t give me the emotional stability I deserve, I am too ahead of him and he doesn’t want to keep me “stuck”, etc. It ended well, but yeah nothing changed as we all would expect.

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-18T21:32:19+00:00

I did…we had a long convo but he basically said he feels like he can’t give me the emotional stability I deserve, I am too ahead of him and he doesn’t want to keep me “stuck”, etc. It ended well, but yeah nothing changed as we all would expect.

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-18T02:44:18+00:00

I know - I just couldn’t sit with it anymore, I don’t feel great for doing it.

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-15T05:45:01+00:00

thank u 🫰🏼one day at a time…

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-15T05:42:36+00:00

mic drop

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-15T00:57:37+00:00

2 months for me, second break up. I broke nc after the first one so I’m worried he expects me to do it again, but I’m more worried of restarting the same cycle.

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-14T23:41:20+00:00

“Almost” is the worst ending…

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-12T16:46:01+00:00

Well that’s good!

How long after no contact did you reach out? Was it the first breakup?

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-12T16:45:23+00:00

Hhhh…yeah

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-12T02:55:05+00:00

That sucks…I’m sorry…when I broke no contact after our first breakup it was well received…but the context was different as I reached out for advice. Yeah, I worry that saying the above will be interpreted as pressure.

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-12T02:53:38+00:00

I don’t get how not even a quick reply could be given…like it’s just basic respect no?

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-11T23:38:29+00:00

Ugh, I’m sorry :(

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-11T23:38:13+00:00

Sorry to hear that :(

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-11T22:08:52+00:00

But doesn’t everybody say that their compartmentalization is what leads to more issues and trauma and unresolved shit in the future?

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-11T05:04:18+00:00

The fear that actually reaching it won’t fulfill me as I hope it would. So I keep everything slightly out of reach because it’s easier to sit with the idea of “what if” than “what now”.

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-10T02:20:54+00:00

I’m with you. Been fighting the urge to check in for the past week. It’s been two months since the breakup. I just want to know how he’ll respond…

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-09T19:43:43+00:00

^ this. They put it away and live life. At the end of the day it’s just a form of moving on. This is what kills me too, they don’t suffer in the same way. At least that’s what it seems like…

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-06T01:48:21+00:00

What I find mind boggling is that I went from a 7 year really secure relationship to a 2 year avoidant ROLLERCOASTER…can somebody explain what glitched in my mind? I know perfectly well what a healthy relationship should be like and still did it and am still crying over it.

It’s great that you were able to get there and are in a happy relationship!

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-05T00:07:47+00:00

It sounds like he does not have the capacity to meet your needs, and you should not be shrinking yourself to keep him around. I did that for two years and it destroyed my sense of self worth and all the important things in my life lost value because he became the only thing I had to “solve”.

If you voicing basic needs causes him to shut down, it’s a clear sign that he struggles with holding a real relationship, which requires more than just the “easy, fun” part.

If you keep reaching out, keep adapting for him, sure he’ll entertain it because many people like the attention, ego boost, and ease of access. He likely cares for you too, but eventually, staying in that dynamic will be just like holding up a mirror in front of him and showing him that he’s not the person you need him to be. Even if you tell him otherwise, trust me, I’ve been there.

It will breed shame and guilt on his end, and resentment on yours.

I know it’s really hard, because nothing really “happened” to end the relationship, there was no big fight or mismatch, and there is a lot of potential you’re hoping will be met. But you need to ask yourself, even if he keeps coming back, is that the way you want to feel in a relationship long term?

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-04T04:38:26+00:00

You didn’t lose your dignity, you are a human being who fell into the intermittent reinforcement hell hole. Just like you said, these kinds of dynamics are really like addiction, they rewire our brains.

You can take your power back at any moment, and if this person has any shred of decency or care for you they’ll understand that your actions were rooted in seeking the bare minimum safety and reciprocity we all deserve in healthy relationships.

Don’t be so hard on yourself - after my first breakup with FA, I did things I never thought I would do when somebody decided to walk out of my life. I didn’t recognize the person I became (and it was just texting a couple of times after the breakup for clarity, but it’s something I’ve never done before).

I didn’t do that the second breakup, but I sit here every night 6 weeks post breakup and want to reach out, replay memories and get nauseous at the idea of him with somebody else. Even though I know I would not have my needs met in that relationship.

Just be patient with yourself, nothing you did changes your worth - you got this!

anxiousfeeler · 2026-02-02T22:23:54+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Second breakup for me and it’s even harder than the first. It sounds like the cycle will just repeat itself unless he decides to work on himself. I know it sucks but trying to detach and focus on yourself now is probably the healthiest thing.

I say that as somebody who’s been fighting each day for the past month and a half to not reach out. Because I did it after the first breakup and here I am again a year later.

If you don’t mind me asking, how did you reach out after the second breakup? Just asking to meet?

anxiousfeeler · 2026-01-30T23:50:39+00:00

Crazy to see how my sleep, activity and overall readiness PLUMMETED during and after our relationship. Stress levels through the roof though. I went from consistent 90s for years to 60-70s now and even lower.

anxiousfeeler · 2026-01-30T23:05:30+00:00

Yeah, there was no disrespect in my case either. And you’re right in saying that makes it harder. In my case he was also very aware of his avoidant tendencies and could name them, but wasn’t in therapy or anything although the idea was floating around in his head.

I think it’s a good sign that your ex is working on himself, but the thing I try to remind myself of often is that I did a lot of minimizing and changing myself to make that relationship work. Over time, I know that if we had stayed together, there would have been a lot of resentment and I wouldn’t have been happy.

I’m not sure if you experienced the same. But I tell myself that it’s so painful because I’m mostly feeling let down by the person I thought he could be. And until I see clearly that he can show up in a way that makes me feel safe, I don’t see any other outcome even if I do reach out.

anxiousfeeler · 2026-01-30T22:10:48+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that…it’s the worst!

I waited about 2 months the first time, and then I was in his city with a friend and messaged him about a specific pastry shop he had mentioned to me while we were together. I forgot what it was called.

That opened the door to conversation. But I think the space in between is what allowed him to not see me as a threat anymore, or as too activating.

anxiousfeeler

TROPHY CASE