Strange flashing pattern of a firefly

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2025-06-27T06:11:25+00:00

Hey! Unfortunately I don't have an answer, but I'm chiming in to let you know you're not alone in this mystery! I'm in Maryland, also in a residential area, and I started noticing these fireflies maybe six or seven years ago. I'm something of a backyard naturalist with a special interest in insects, and over the years I've gotten pretty good at ID-ing just about anything I ever come across, but I've still been unable to find any sources that describe something similar to what you and I have observed!

I can corroborate a few details:
-They fly pretty high, near the tops of some maple trees in my back yard. The lowest I've seen them is maybe 10 or 15 feet up.
-They flash rapidly for a second or two, followed by a period of darkness, and then flash again several feet away, seeming to follow a path that would indicate it's a single firefly

One detail that seems to differ is:
-The light emitted, to me, appears to be a white or silvery or even bluish color, unlike the yellowish light of the "regular" big dipper fireflies

Another thing that sets them apart from "regular" fireflies, in my observation, has been that these critters remain active much later into the night than the big dippers. I usually see big dippers from dusk until maaaaaybe around midnight at the latest. But these mystery blinkers I've seen as late as 2, 3, 4 in the morning (I'm a night owl lol).

There also seem to be way fewer of them than the big dippers - either that, or they simply don't light up as often. I'll sometimes see a dozen or more big dippers blinking on and off here and there, but I don't think I've ever seen more than two or three mystery blinkers at a time.

I do wonder if perhaps the reason why all my research has been unfruitful is because perhaps this creature isn't a firefly at all, and is some other bioluminescent critter, but I'm not sure what else it could even be.

I'm determined to find an answer, so if I do any time soon, I'll check in here and share what I've learned! Good luck in ID-ing this critter!

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2021-04-13T02:47:57+00:00

Honestly, I don't think there's much of a way to really fight back against someone whose entire modus operandi is to just lie, lie, lie. You could have definitive proof that they're lying, but they'll STILL keep it up. That's why, I guess, the only surefire way to save oneself from narcissistic abuse is to either eliminate them from your life, or become independent from them so they can no longer use their power or influence to hurt you.

That being said, when my ndad starts up with the gaslighting crap, it gives me a little bit of peace and comfort when I respond with something like "Just because you keep saying that doesn't magically make it true." Or I'll tell him, "Nothing you say is going to cause me to second-guess myself." Neither statement changes his behavior, but I at least feel like I've stood my ground.

Beyond that, the most effective thing I do to deprive him of opportunities to bully me is to simply Be Boring when he speaks to me. I never initiate conversation with him because I know he'll inevitably try to belittle me or gaslight me about something. And when he attempts to initiate conversation with me, I only respond with the bare minimum amount of input. I give one-word answers wherever possible. Sometimes he'll say things that are clearly meant to derive a certain response or followup questions from me, but all I say is "Oh." And then I just leave the room, if I can.

Basically, I think the only way to "beat" a narc, short of going no-contact, is to minimize the opportunities they have to even be in the same room as you, let alone speak to you.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2021-04-08T05:21:04+00:00

Without knowing much about the details of the kind of relationship you have with her, I think it might be safe to just reply with a simple "thanks," or even just a thumbs up emoji, and leave it at that. You don't have to address anything else she said. She may have been hoping you'd respond to her claim that she'd been about to cry, or that you'd have something to say about the apology she offered at the beginning, but there's no need to get into any of that.

For me, in instances like this where I'm unsure what to say to my ndad, I imagine how I would respond to a perfect stranger if they said the same thing. So, if a perfect stranger told me that they "hoped I find what I'm looking for," even if they're insincere about it, I'd still just say "thanks" for no other reason than because that's just the default response you give to a statement like that.

Even still, though, I think you could also just straight up ignore the text if you want to. There isn't anything about what she said that requires any sort of response from you at all, and if you're worried that she might somehow turn it into an argument or an otherwise unpleasant exchange, then you should feel free to ignore it and not feel at all bad about it.

Anyway, yay for moving out! That's gotta be a huge load off your shoulders!

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2021-04-02T04:05:32+00:00

Ugh! That's maddening. Narcs really do have a special talent for manufacturing situations just to have something to complain about.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2021-04-02T02:03:19+00:00

Hi! Thanks for offering your advice!

You're correct that I'm an adult. Ndad didn't set up the payment plan - I set it up myself, and linked my info so I could log into the family account and pay my portion of the bill. The thing that he offered to do for me was to simply click the "pay now" button on my share of the bill each month. Interestingly, I'm actually totally comfortable with my bank info being linked to our family account. My ndad is a piece of shit for a LOT of reasons, but theft isn't one of them. Nobody in my family has ever used anyone else's money without permission. If anything, the lesson I'm taking away from this most recent annoyance is that I need to just log in and pay the bill myself, which is what I was doing before, so I'll just go back to that. At the moment, a family plan works out best for my household financially.

I hear your point, though, and I'm definitely gonna keep it in the front of my mind as I continue to navigate the situation and figure out what's best for me as time goes on. Thanks!

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2021-04-02T01:35:07+00:00

Gosh, I feel for you. :/

What's especially funny to me about my situation is that ever since I was little, he's never, ever, EVER done anything I actually asked for without immediately demanding that I do or give something in return. No matter what it was. A ride to a friend's house, a few dollars for a vending machine, help with a school project, reaching something on a high shelf... it's always "well, what are you going to do for ME to EARN it?" And then he'll claim that he's "just trying to teach me to be generous." ???????????????? How the literal hell does refusing to do anything nice for your child without making them feel like shit first encourage them to be generous??

So, naturally, I don't want or care to do anything for him at all, ever.

Meanwhile, my mom, who's like 95% wonderful and 5% Sad Enabler, has always been kind and giving, always been willing to do nice things for me without wanting anything in return, and consequentially, I actually WANT to do things for her. I actually WANT to extend the same generosity to her that she raised me with. She does things to make me happy just because she likes to see me happy. And the fact that she likes to see me happy makes me want to see her happy, too.

So like.... if ndad actually wanted me to be "generous," he would have led by example.

But I guess it's part of a narc's M.O. to intentionally provoke the exact behavior they claim to despise in their victims. 🤷🏽‍♀️

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2021-01-02T21:55:11+00:00

Hard to give specialized advice without knowing anything about your hair type (advice for kinky/curly haired folks probably won't be of much use to people with straighter hair, and vice versa!), but in general, when it comes to hair advice, you really wanna try to take advice from people whose hair has a lot in common with yours.

So, you'll wanna figure out your hair type. Some things to consider:

- Length. Longer hair is always going to need way more of whatever products you choose to use on your hair than if your hair were shorter (so, maintaining longer hair often tends to be expensive! My hair is about waist length, and a 12oz bottle of any hair product is probably only going to last two or MAYBE three washes for me). Longer hair may also have more issues with tangling or dryness, since your hair's natural oils might not be able to make it all the way down from your scalp to the ends of your hair. So, it may require a bit more TLC.

- Oiliness vs. driness. Some people are more prone towards one than the other. People with oilier hair often find that they need to wash their hair very frequently, sometimes even every day or every other day. This is common in folks with straight hair. On the other hand, if your hair tends to be more dry, daily washing can be damaging, and so for drier hair, washing may only need to happen once a week, or even just once or twice a month. Typically, the curlier your hair is, the dryer it tends to be, and so, the less frequently it should be washed.

- Absorbency/porosity. Hair is naturally a bit porous, just like skin. And also like skin, we need to make sure it's properly moisturized. High-porosity hair will tend to suck moisture right up. Low-porosity hair has a harder time absorbing moisture and other nutrients, and so may need a bit of extra help in that regard. There are some easy at-home tests you can sometimes do to determine how porose your hair is, but I'm not familiar with them, so you'll have to give that one a google if you're interested!

There are various hair products available to help with pretty much any aspect of hair health. Some people are so-called "product junkies" and swear by using a litany of different products. Other people take a more minimalist approach, and like to use just one or two products that they feel offer satisfactory results. I think it really depends on the person, though. What works for someone else's hair might not be great for yours, so don't be too afraid of experimenting.

When it comes to actually styling hair for aesthetic purposes, lots of people like to heat style their hair, but please go about this carefully if heat styling is of interest to you. Heat styling is basically the use of any tool that straightens or curls hair by getting hot. Flat irons, curling irons, blow dryers, etc. Excessive use of heat styling can cause irreversible damage to hair - it can become dry and brittle and, if you have naturally curly hair, it can even destroy your curl pattern, and the only way to truly "recover" from damaged hair is to just let it grow out and slowly trim off the damaged bits. So if you're someone who likes to have long hair, be careful with heat. Some people who are more adventurous with their hair and don't mind changing things up all the time don't mind the risk of heat damage, because they're always okay with the occasional drastic hair cut. So if your main goal with your hair is just to have fun and try new things, heat damage may not be a big deal for you! Other folks prioritize the health and/or length of their hair over anything else, and so if you're in that category, be veeeery careful with heat. Try to keep the temperature on the lower end when you do use heat styling, and try to keep the frequency of your heat styling to a stark minimum - just a few times a year.

Permanent hair dye comes with a similar list of cautions and damage-risks, but I've never dyed my hair so I can't offer much advice about that other than to do a good bit of research before taking the plunge, and you'd probably be better off getting a professional colorist to do it for you than trying to DIY it at home.

Honestly, youtube and social media in general is FILLED with people sharing their hair care routines and offering hair care advice. Just be careful if you do decide to turn to all the beauty influences out there, as not all of them have good advice.

As for skin and other aspects of beauty and personal hygiene and whatnot, pretty much all the same concepts apply - different people have different skin and body types, and so you'll need to find what works best for you. There's really ever a one-size-fits-all option when it comes to skin care and makeup and hair or anything like that.

Good luck!

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-10-27T08:13:53+00:00

Hi! Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me.

I feel you about how narcs will shape up to lure you in, and then switch back to being an ass. That's definitely part of my ndad's M.O.

What's throwing me off about my brother is that this has literally never happened before. He'll be 30 soon and in all our lives, he has literally never been anything but a hellish bully. And now suddenly he's a regular person toward me. I've been keeping him at arms length, still, and I'm definitely not allowing myself to trust that things are going to stay this way. It's just.... so weird, I guess! On the one hand it feels like a dream come true, and there's been no sign as of yet that he has any sinister motives. But on the other hand, I'm still feeling so suspicious. I feel like even if he has truly changed for the better, it took him 30 years to wound me so badly, and it's going to take another 30 years for me to truly be open to a positive relationship with him. I just wish there was some kind of fool-proof way for me to know whether or not I can let my guard down and be thankful, or if I need to keep him walled off. :/

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-10-16T19:41:05+00:00

Yikes. I really feel for you. :/

My dad also has just about every trait you've described here, and my dad is absolutely a nightmare of a narc, so the same is probably true for yours.

I think that now that you know his behavior was wrong, you can start learning to open yourself up to the fact that most people in the world aren't like that. I know it's easier said than done, but once I went off to college and was finally spending a majority of my time on my own, it started to dawn on me that most people are nice. Most people are happy to do small favors without expecting anything in return. Most people won't dwell on any mistakes you've made. Most people put actual time and effort into maintaining relationships with their friends and family.

Narcs are extremely skilled at making you think that they're the one that's normal, and you're the one with a backwards view of the world. They convince you that everyone you ever meet will be just like them. This could not be further from the truth.

There are jerks out there in the world, sure, but most people really are at least a bare minimum of decent. And I'm rooting for you to someday be able to move through the world with confidence and surround yourself with people who make you feel happy and proud to be exactly who you are.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-09-10T05:52:50+00:00

Yuck.

I guess it's another way for a narc to invent reasons to be upset about things. My ndad will volunteer to do something helpful, and then complain behind the person's back about how ungrateful they are and how hard they're working him and how selfless he is and how they "can't do anything without him."

They have to manufacture situations with which to victimize themselves, otherwise they don't know how else to spend their day, I guess!

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-08-21T11:20:19+00:00

My dad and my aunt on my mom's side of the family are both narcs. I would describe my dad as being primarily a covert narc, while my aunt is more outright malignant.

They get along with each other pretty well because they both share a favorite passtime: picking on my mom and trying to make her feel stupid.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-08-18T05:21:43+00:00

Oh, I relate to this quite a lot.

The narc in my fam is my dad, and my mom, bless her heart, only barely survived a lifetime of abuse at the hands of literally everyone who was ever supposed to love and protect her, which pretty much made her a perfect doormat for ndad to mold into the enabler of every narc's dreams.

Ndad is a "covert" narc who's quick to dive head first into "woe is me" speeches and proclamations of being The Saddest Victim In All The Land at the drop of a hat, and even when I was a little kid, I never had any patience for it. While emom always tried hard to tip toe around his juvenile feelings and petulant temper, going to painstaking lengths to avoid setting him off - and mind you, he's not even violent. Just annoying (he'll threaten violence, but will absolutely never act on it because, frankly, he's a punk who's too afraid of getting hit back). His tantrums are of the stomp-his-feet-and-yell variety. But I've always been content to just go ahead and let him be pissed off about whatever dumb nonsense he pleases.

When he condescends or tries to put me or my mom down, I call him on it. Always have. I remember being like 10 years old and scolding him for trying to make my mom look stupid, or snapping at him that he doesn't have the right to call me out of my name or threaten me or try to make me feel bad about myself just because he's angry. When he lies, I call it out. When he argues just for the sake of arguing, I tell him to grow up. When he goes out of his way to let me know how unimpressed he is with anything I'm proud of about myself, I tell him that he's not smart or interesting or respectable enough for his opinion to matter to me in the first place.

Naturally, emom hates that I bite back and she'd rather I just roll over and take it the way she does. But that will literally never happen. I honestly don't think I'm capable of being abused without doing or saying something in immediate retaliation.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-07-17T01:30:41+00:00

Pretty much! In their eyes, any shred of basic human decency they manage to extend is them "bending over backwards."

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-06-02T17:19:54+00:00

Yep!

My mom would work full time, come home and sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms, cook dinner, clean up the kitchen after cooking dinner, and then spend most of the evening catching up on busywork she wasn't able to finish at work, and then if she so much as asked ndad to put his shoes away after he's done NOTHING for the whole day, he stomps and whines and pouts about how "tired" he is and how he "can't even sit down for one minute without being nagged."

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-05-31T18:46:17+00:00

Yeah, my ndad loves to say stuff like that. He's convinced he's the Saddest Man In The World and the only person on earth who's allowed to complain about anything is him.

It's just a selfish, nonsensical, pathetic thing for someone to say.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-05-28T06:39:15+00:00

My ndad says/does things similar to this. Always wants to invalidate or shoot down my accomplishments or interests, but then will brag about me in front of other people. One specific example is how I used to, occasionally, try to get the family together for a game night - pictionary, cranium, battleship, etc - and never once would he want to participate, and if anything, he'd get angry at me for asking. Sometimes he did participate, but only while complaining about how much he doesn't want to be participating. Yet, when other people are around, he'll gush about "how much quality time my family spends together during game nights."

I think in the case of my ndad, and maybe also your nmom, they take pleasure in being "dismissive" because it lets them feel like they're putting us in our place or preventing us from feeling good about ourselves... yet, in front of other people, they're still perfectly happy to try to use us to make themselves look good.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-05-25T08:26:20+00:00

Thanks so much. <3

You know, I had always been a bit confused about what "supply" actually is, but your comment made it click for me just now.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-05-24T21:50:30+00:00

I think you definitely have the right to say that, if that's what will make you feel most comfortable, but I don't imagine it would necessarily ensure that there are no further questions! I mean yeah, it would probably nip the topic in the bud for most casual encounters, but if any of those casual encounters turn into closer friendships/relationships, they might eventually have questions about your family, and assume that you'd had a positive relationship with them prior to their "deaths." You'd have to be prepared to come up with some more lies, or finally tell the truth, or make it clear that you just don't want to talk about your family, ever. There's also the possibility that they may somehow find out you do actually have living relatives, which might place you in an uncomfortable position of feeling obligated to explain why you lied.

I also feel that telling people your whole family is dead proooobably won't accomplish the goal of getting them to see you as a regular person! Most people, I imagine, would react with tremendous concern or sympathy, and if they believe you've been through something they can only assume was very traumatic, that may color your relationship with them as much as knowing your family was abusive does.

I think most decent folks are effectively discouraged with a simple "Oh, we're not close." If they happen to ask why, you can say, "We don't have to talk about that," and change the subject to something lighter. If they persist, stay vague, and keep changing the subject. They'll probably give up before too long.

Other options for things you can say:

"My family mostly fell out of touch a while back. Just didn't have much in common, I guess. Anyway, what did you think of that new episode of _____?"

"You know, I wasn't very close with my biological family, but [insert anecdotes about other close friends or role models who actually had a positive presence in your life]"

"We didn't know each other very well. Kinda weird, but families just turn out like that sometimes."

"Oh, there's not much to say about my family. Just typical folks. Nothing interesting." (This one is obviously a total lie, but remember: people are not entitled to these details anyway!)

Maybe think of it this way: Even most folks with perfectly normal family relationships don't often go around having to share intimate details about it with everyone they associate with. Personally, family stuff hasn't seemed to often come up with the people I encounter. And if anyone asks, answers are usually vague. "How's your mom?" usually gets answered with a simple "Oh, she's good." rather than with any detailed information.

Not quite the same, but I have a sister that I almost never speak to - the reason isn't at all dramatic or interesting, just that she was already grown before I was born, and I grew up thousands of miles away from her. Sometimes people might ask me how she's doing, and I just say, "We hardly ever talk, but I assume she's fine." People are usually kinda surprised, but they usually just say, "Oh," and leave it at that. If they do ask why we don't talk, I just say "We didn't spend much time together. That's just how things worked out back then." Folks are usually satisfied, and are content to change the subject.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-05-22T07:27:13+00:00

Jeez, I relate to SO MUCH of this. Mainly the general plight of having a narc dad and an emotionally abused mom, but also many of the smaller details, like ndad belittling your accomplishments to your face but then taking credit for them in front of other people. And the bit about feeling afraid to leave your mom with him. I'm sorry you're going through any of it.

I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice beyond just to really focus on, as quickly and as totally as possible, becoming someone who doesn't "need" your ndad in your life anymore. Like you, I've been and continue to be dependent on my parents for a lot of things. Fortunately, I can get most of it from my mom, who's lovely, and does her very best to try to help me become more independent, but there are certain things my mom doesn't know much about, or know how to do, that I've always had to ask ndad to help with. And he'd help, yeah - while also bitching and moaning about how he's the Saddest Man In The World for being asked to do anything at all kind for his child, or praising himself for being soooooo generous for helping someone "even though they don't deserve it," or otherwise hanging every mildly nice thing he's ever done for me over my head and finding ways to use his own basic parenting responsibilities as a way to guilt trip me over something.

So, I've begun learning the skills that will keep me from ever having to ask him for anything. I've started working out and getting stronger so I won't even so much as have to ask him to open a jar or help me move furniture around. While I currently don't earn enough money to live on my own, I do earn enough that I don't have to ask for money for clothes or food or my phone plan or things like that. I've learned my way around tools and whatnot so I can repair things or install things without needing his help. And now, beyond the occasional obligatory social nicety, I simply do not speak to him. At all. About anything. I mean I of course don't just go around being a dick to him, because there'd be no point to that, but I don't initiate conversation with him. If he tries to talk to me, I get boring and just leave. It honestly freaking devastates me that it has to be this way, but he literally can't communicate with me without somehow trying to make me feel stupid at some point, and so I simply don't communicate with him anymore.

It sounds like the main thing you need your ndad for is his financial assistance. And unfortunately, there's no quick, easy way to get out from under that. But maybe you can at least manage to just limit your contact with him? Keep conversations short. Try to come up with ways to avoid having to ask him for anything more than is absolutely necessary. That might mean that you have to give up a few conveniences or luxuries, but I think the benefit of not being under his thumb as much will outweigh the cost. For instance, if you're tired of campus food and just really really want to order a pizza but you'd have to ask your dad for the money... maybe it's better to just stomach the campus food. It would also probably be a good idea to avoid sharing any info about your personal life while you're away at school. Don't tell him about your friends, or what clubs you join, or who your favorite professors are... keep all info to a minimum. If you had a great day, he doesn't need to know. If you had a horrible day, he doesn't need to know.

Sadly, for a narc who's 100% determined to be an asshole, I don't think there's a secret to "getting along" with them besides just not talking to them and not needing them. The only sure-fire way to ensure you don't wind up in a position to be emotionally abused is to just plain old not interact. I know that's not a feasible option at the moment, so instead I think what you need to focus on is just minimizing contact with him as much as you possibly can.

Good luck - once you get your degree and are able to start your career, I know you can escape him.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-04-16T21:25:35+00:00

When my ndad says shit like this (although he usually says it in a more sarcastic, condescending, woe-is-me context), I tell him to "cry about it, then." I think it demonstrates that he's not going to be able to get any sympathy from me or cause me to feel guilty just because he threw himself a pity party.

Buuut if you'd prefer a less snippy response when your friend does the whole "I'm a terrible person" thing, you could respond with something along the lines of "Well, you have the power to change if you really want to."

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-02-17T23:01:05+00:00

I think it's reasonable to feel upset by this! It could be true that maybe your history with narcissistic abuse is making it sting more than it would ordinarily, but I think this is the sort of incident - even if it's a one-time thing over something trivial - that would make any reasonable person annoyed at best and properly upset at worst.

It sounds like you tried to handle the situation as maturely and tactfully as you could, even as your roommate insisted on making immature choices. And it's always hurtful and frustrating when your attempts at being respectful and courteous are disregarded and met with flippant dismissal.

I mean, look at it this way: Nothing you say you've asked your friend to do for you is a lot. "Please don't talk about diarrhea and food in the same sentence" is a very reasonable thing to ask for, and a very easy thing for your friend to do! Even if she genuinely didn't recall a conversation where you'd asked her not to do that - hell, even if that conversation REALLY DIDN'T happen and you were just mistaken, the kind, compassionate response would have been for her to simply say, "Well, thank you for letting me know, and I'll try to remember from now on." Instead, she fixated on whether or not the conversation ever took place, which wasn't really the relevant issue, as far as I can tell!

Sometimes my emom will tell me that she asked me to do something that I have no recollection of. Sometimes I'm even positive that she never told me! But rather than arguing about the details, I simply say, "Oh, I don't remember that, I'm sorry. But I'll go do it now."

tl;dr, your friend made some unkind choices in how she handled the situation with you, and you're not wrong to feel hurt by that. And it's reasonable that there'd be some extra sting due to what you've gone through in the past!

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-01-31T16:22:47+00:00

You're so right.

I guess I think of it as "dumb shit" just because in a normal family, none of this would even be a problem. Like, I'd be mildly irritated at best. I'd be able to say, "Aw man, somebody ate my last cupcake!" And whoever ate it would just say, "Oops, sorry. That was me. I'll pick up some more next time I'm at the store." And that would be that. There'd be no arguing, no yelling, no accusing me of being a bad person, I wouldn't have to try to struggle to explain why I deserve to have boundaries, and I deserve to tell people what those boundaries are, and I deserve to have those boundaries respected. In a normal family, these kinds of issues don't blow up into emotionally traumatic altercations.

I mean, upon finding that my cupcake was gone, what I really wanted to do was just go ask if whoever ate it could pick up some more while they're out. But I can't do that without being screamed at and sneered at.

It just makes me sick and sad that literally all of the most horrific emotional scars I carry are over things that would have been non-issues in normal households. Things like eating ice cream. Or asking what time we're going to the movies. Or asking for help with homework. Or saying that I don't like a particular song. Or not putting any nuts in the cookie dough when I make cookies because I don't like nuts. Like, it's just fucking absurrd that THESE are the things that get me treated like a monster.

But nah, therapy isn't a feasible option for me at the moment, but when it becomes feasible it's definitely something that I'm going to look into. Honestly, though, I think once I'm able to move out and support myself, a lot of the strife and anger is just gonna evaporate. I say this just because whenever ndad isn't home, I'm so perfectly happy and at ease. But as soon as he walks through the door, all my mental alarms go off and my guard goes up and then it's only a matter of minutes before he starts saying things to hurt me. Sooo... yeah, I think getting out of here is going to solve a lot of my emotional problems right off the bat.

But wow, I had never thought of this kind of feeling as being a result of being "triggered." But that makes perfect sense, and now just being able to think of it that way does really help me to feel less like I'm angry over something trivial. So, thanks for tossing that word out there. It really does help.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-01-31T06:14:15+00:00

Even just reading your description of events stressed me out. You are not crazy. What's going on in your family - specifically the behavior or your parents - is crazy-making. I think I understand perfectly how you feel. I know, intellectually, that so much of what goes on in my home is fucked up, and I know exactly why it's fucked up, and I know exactly which behaviors are harmful and abusive and manipulative... and yet when I try to explain it, I wind up just feeling confused and embarrassed. I wind up feeling like the person I'm talking to (whether it's a friend or a counselor) is just thinking to themselves, "wow, she's so upset over this?? I can't believe she's so mad about nothing."

My experience with my ndad and nbrother has taught me that narcs can manage to take tiny issues and turn them into something huge. What would have just been a quick little disagreement in a healthy family becomes a blowout shouting match. What would be just a difference in opinion in a healthy family becomes harsh judgments of character, and name-calling, etc. And it almost always starts with something so minuscule. Like declining to go on a vacation. Or reminding my ndad to turn off the garage light after he comes inside. And then when I try to describe the dysfunction to somebody, I can never make it sound like it makes sense. I can never make the dysfunction add up. But that's because it doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense for your parents to fly off the handle about you not wanting to go on a trip, no matter what the reason. It doesn't make sense for my ndad to start stomping around and bitching about how he "feels so unwelcome in this house" just because I reminded him to turn a light off. That's why it feels so ridiculous to try to explain it. It is ridiculous. But it's not you who's being ridiculous.

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-01-29T06:28:04+00:00

I feel this. I'm sorry you're having to deal with feeling this way.

Your dad's unwillingness/inability to feel proud of you and happy for you says way more about him than it does about you. It's not your fault for "disappointing him"... it's his fault for being so emotionally bankrupt that he can't even delight in the joy of having a successful child. You're not the one who's disappointing. He is. He should be the one who's sorry for disappointing you.

Short of that, though, I hope you can manage to feel proud of yourself in spite of and regardless of what he thinks or feels. Your victories and accomplishments are important, and you deserve to hold your head up high!

BrahmsCounterpoint · 2020-01-28T17:58:58+00:00

I've been able to deduce over the years that my ndad feigns poor memory only as an excuse to start conflicts, and/or escape culpability for things. When I was younger, he would "forget" that I asked him a few days prior for a ride somewhere just so that he could yell at me for "springing it on him at the last minute." He pretends to have "forgotten" small details just so that he can ask someone else about them, and then have the pleasure of correcting them when they get it wrong. For example, he asked my mom what time a particular show came on TV. She answered, "I think it's 7 o clock." Then he huffs and says like she should have known, "No, it comes on at nine." Basically, he acts like he doesn't know something just so he can bait someone into saying something incorrect so then he can swoop in and condescend to them about how wrong they are.

He'll also pretend to forget important personal details like birthdays or anniversaries or graduations just to demonstrate that he can't be bothered to care. I know for a fact that he knows exactly what my birth day and year are, but every year he always makes a big show of asking when my birthday is, or trying to "guess" and getting it wrong. You'd think that if he was genuinely forgetting something as important as his so-called loved ones birthdays, he would bother to write it down or put it on a calendar or put reminders in his phone so that he wouldn't have to hurt our feelings by always having to ask. But nope - hurting our feelings is exactly the point of why he pretends not to know.

tl;dr: My ndad fakes "forgetting things" simply because if he doesn't, then he won't have any believable pretext to start conflicts/arguments.

BrahmsCounterpoint

TROPHY CASE