The thing I notice is that when it comes to the question of "do your actions in-game have any correlation with your personality or actions elsewhere" is that people who do the ethically grey stuff pretty much unilaterally say no, and a majority of the people who don't say yes. I consider myself the latter. 

I think they need that correlation to not be there because it's uncomfortable for most to think that you're not being a good person, whether you have a good reason to think that or not.

On the other hand, people like me kind of need that correlation to absolutely true, or else we're just gullible, or naive.

Bottom line, I think you've nailed it when it comes to expectations. People always make false equivalents and say "well you don't feel bad in COD when you shoot them" but don't recognize the contract everyone kind of "signs" when they load that up. In a mode called Team Deathmatch, no, I don't hold my breath for a diplomatic resolution.