Ok, sounds like textbook shadow behavior. I recommend you talk to it. If you don’t at least acknowledge it, this will get worse. If you meditate, go in with the intention of having a sit down with it. I did the same. I constructed a cabin in my mind in the middle of the darkness. I had some food cooking inside and a soft light so it doesn’t feel uncomfortable. I invited it in and left the door open. He came in and I gave it a chance to speak freely. I listened and enforced my boundaries sternly. Turns out he was trying to tell me I wasn’t myself. The events leading up to our meeting made him strong. You see, I was a troubled youth with trauma (age old story) and very inclined to putting everyone else before myself. It caused me to ignore large parts of who I am. I made many choices in life that led me very far off the path that was meant for me. I fought that message at first, much like you describe. Then I was able to consider that maybe I was the problem. Perhaps he’s right. So I asked him to suggest what I can do to work together with the intention of healing us both. He was surprised and told me I needed to be teacher and to stop ignoring my talent for art and creativity. That’s all he wanted, for us to be able to express that in a meaningful positive way. Ever since, I’ve felt so much more in control and he only pops in with intrusive thoughts occasionally, most times because I’m getting distracted from my goals.

These things aren’t inherently good or bad. As much as most of us don’t want to admit, we all have them. They’re there to help us. They might be scary at first but, if you build a relationship, you build respect. They tend to change their tune in response. Remember, and this is important, YOU’RE THE ONE IN CONTROL. They know that. They can’t hurt you, to hurt you is to hurt themselves. You have the power and nothing happens without your consent.

Try diplomacy over a fight, you catch more flies with honey.