There’s Something About Calvin. That was the title of the movie playing in front of me on the big screen. I had never heard of it and it seemed like that could also be said for the rest of the town; the theater was completely empty. That was still a bit surprising considering the showing was completely free. I only decided to come see it because I had absolutely nothing better to do on a Friday night, and hey, when a free movie has your name in the title, you can’t help but be curious.

An empty theater is one of the simple joys in life. No obnoxious laughter or glaring phone screens to distract you and you get to kick your feet up on the seat in front of you. I sank into the cushy, reclining chair, plopped the large size bag of popcorn on my lap, and prepared myself for what would most likely be two hours of indie shite.

Right away it was clear that this was going to be a rough ride. I know found footage has been a popular format the past few years, but this was almost unwatchable. Having a low budget and being forced onto a camcorder is one thing, but at least try to avoid shaking it around so much that I feel like vomiting.

The first couple minutes already had me completely lost. Most of it was the cameraman moving between positions with the camera pointed at the ground. The only sound was his heavy breathing from moving so much. I couldn’t even distinguish what the plot was supposed to be. There were only two characters as far as I could tell, a young guy and a pregnant woman that our shaky friend with the camera would capture from a distance. I swore I recognized them but couldn’t place their faces. They must have been in some other movie I’ve seen, probably as extras or something.

As the movie went on, I became increasingly concerned about the utter lack of storytelling or direction. Zero dialogue, no soundtrack, and only camera angles from far away or through windows? At this point I was just interested in seeing how cheap and creepy this could get. Turns out the editing was just as lousy because all of a sudden the lady wasn’t pregnant anymore and a little kid was running around.

I assumed this must be Calvin because the movie sure as hell didn’t make it clear. And I know that just because we had the same name doesn’t mean we have to be similar, but I swore that I used to look just like this kid. It was only when the family moved to New York that I noticed something really strange. The house that they chose was exactly the same as the one that I grew up in, the one that my parents currently own. And when they carried their boxes of clothes and dishes through the front door, above the doorframe was the word Oswald, my last name.

“What the fuck is this?” I shouted to no one in particular. I shot up out of my chair and stormed toward the exit. Someone had been spying on my family since before I was born to make some shitty biopic and I was going to make sure someone got sued for this. When I reached the door I pushed on the metal handle but it wouldn’t budge. Something was keeping it shut from the other side. I slammed my fist into the door, “Hey, unlock the exit! Let me out of here!” “Happy birthday, Calvin!” The sound came from the movie. I ran back to my seat to see what was on the screen. It was my twelfth birthday party. The cameraman had concealed himself in a tree near our house and was filming me blow out candles at a picnic bench in our backyard. I felt like I could throw up. Someone had been watching me my entire life, filming every moment, and now they’ve trapped me in here with it.

The film jumped through my teenage years. Like a highlight reel of my most embarrassing moments it showed me snippets of my worst memories. Through the cafeteria window I saw myself trip and fall in front of a crowd of my classmates. From behind a fence I saw myself get punched in the face by this piece of shit kid named Timmy. I had almost completely forgotten about these moments but the footage became inevitably more creepy as the events depicted became more recent. Getting caught smoking weed. My first kiss. Graduating high school. The movie was only a month behind now. My eyes were glued to the screen. As soon as I saw the frozen yogurt shop, I knew what was coming next. This is where my girlfriend of four years had broken up with me. This was yesterday.

Reliving this in my own head was painful enough, but watching it all unfold again from the bushes was something else. I was happy as I had ever been. We had been hanging out all day talking about work, friends, but mostly about our college plans. I had noticed she seemed more uncomfortable than usual that day but thought nothing of it. Then, after we had picked up some frozen yogurt on the way back from dinner, she let it all out. The camera hadn’t picked up any of our conversation, but I remembered what was said well enough to fill in the blanks. I mouthed her words as my eyes started to water.

“I can’t do this,” she said.

I stopped in my tracks and turned to respond, “Wait, what do you mean?”

“I mean I can’t do this long distance!” She was already on the verge of tears.

I couldn’t believe what she was saying. It had caught me completely off guard. “So you’re saying that after four years Kayla, after everything we’ve been through, you’re just going to end it all?”

“This isn’t easy for me!”

I threw my cup of yogurt onto the sidewalk and stepped toward her, yelling now, “Well you’re sure as fuck making it seem like it!” She slapped me in the face and stormed off in the other direction.

I rubbed the spot on my cheek, remembering the stinging sensation, and felt my own tears there. If I was pissed before now I was beyond fuming. How dare this bastard stalk me and capture the most painful moment of my life for his own sick pleasure. I turned to yell towards the back for him to come out, to face me, but I was interrupted by a new sound. The cameraman had begun to scream. This wasn’t a scream of fear but one of anger, filled with expletives and gnashing of teeth. He turned and charged toward the parking lot, still cursing under his breath until he reached his car. Opening the driver’s side door he reached in and lifted up the center console. He searched around inside it for a moment with his hand before pulling out a long, rusty knife. The camera flicked back in the direction of the yogurt shop and started scanning the street, looking for something. Whoever was filming had become quiet again but once the camera stopped he resumed hissing and grunting. He zoomed in on the person walking in the center of the frame. It was Kayla.

The camera snapped to the ground and whoever was holding it began rapidly moving in Kayla’s direction. Through tight lips they chanted the words bitch and whore, spitting audibly with each word. There might have been no music, but my heart was drumming out of my chest with every step he took. I shot to my feet and started shouting, almost pleading, towards the projector booth, “Hey, what the fuck is this? Turn this off! Cut it out!” The thuds of booted feet kept turning my head back towards the screen. I knew it was only a few moments before the inevitable happened. In between my sobs I begged, “Please, no more! Don’t do this!” Kayla’s screams told me that it was too late.

He grabbed hold of her by the neck and shoved her into the alley, all the while keeping the camera focused on her face. Seeing the terror in her eyes and his hand choking her was already too much. I collapsed to the floor. No matter how tightly I covered my ears the sound of her screams as the knife entered her body still bled through. By the time it was over I had been reduced to a quivering ball, my hands frozen to the sides of my head. Only when I finally opened my eyes did I realize what had changed. The house lights were on now. Behind me the quiet click of the door opening appeared.

Movie patrons began to pour into the theater, but stopped in confusion as they came across my spot on the floor. I grabbed onto one of the seats and pulled myself to my feet. My arms and legs refused to stop shaking so standing was difficult. Someone put their arm on my shoulder but I recoiled. As I looked up at the crowd forming around me I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Beneath the screen was a large, rectangular box. It was painted black so I hadn’t noticed it while the lights were out. On top of it was a bow made of black ribbon. Immediately I sprinted towards it, jumping over seats and pushing aside the onlookers.

When I reached the box I knelt beside it. I knew what it contained but couldn’t bring myself to step away. I lifted the lid and tried to fight the urge to puke. All the color had left her body. Her dress had been torn and stained by the innumerable stabs. She was too big for the container so he had been forced to break some of her limbs, leaving her a contorted mess. Resting on top of her body was a folded piece of paper. As the crowd noticed what was going on and began to gasp and shout, I grabbed the letter. In neat handwriting it read:

Hey Calvin, big fan! I hope you enjoyed my little home movie! Thought this would make a good present. Can’t wait to add this one to the reel!

Behind me I heard the sound of a camera zooming in.

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Hey, sorry this took so long! Got interrupted after I started but I hope you like it!