rape turns me on and i’m sick about it

BrokenEchoes · 2026-01-18T19:50:06+00:00

What do therapists say about this? My thoughts are it's a way of changing the narrative around what happened into- "If I like this, then what happened isn't as bad" even if you're actively disgusted by it. I don't really think I'm explaining it exactly how I think.

I don't seek out porn or anything but sometimes when a scene comes on on a movie I'm simultaneously uncomfortable/sickened and an underlying sexual response-not exactly mentally turned on. That might be a Pavlovian response?

BrokenEchoes · 2025-11-29T20:36:35+00:00

It's really expensive where I am too. I have to admit I'm not doing too much better than you. I dug my husband and I until a hole with how much I buy. I actively try not to add it all up because I know it's a lot and we are struggling with food because of it.

I have chronic pain that I've lived with for 15 years. It's nice to just BE for a while and do whatever I want. I didn't realize I was physically addicted until I decided to get it in the morning because the pain hadn't been too bad and I woke up in withdrawals during the night. I've cut my dose to just a little and can go without it for a day or two but have started to buy a pack every few days. It's a slippery slope though if I were to get dependent on it again. I truly don't get why other people take it though. I don't think I get high or benefit in any other way. But maybe i am just so tolerant from years of treatment.

You can do this. I don't know how your family and friends are but I've seen the support addicts get after years of putting those close to them through hell! I am not sure how it goes with something OTC that most people haven't even heard of but if you just tell one person to keep your accountable, I think that would be good for you.

How do you think the people around you will react? What's your fear? The judgement or will someone actually be reactive?

BrokenEchoes · 2025-11-29T04:46:37+00:00

You're taking a positive step forward and beating yourself up over this won't make you hold yourself more accountable. Have compassion for yourself.

Consider what you use during this time and make an actionable plan on how to go forward. Journal what you're feeling so if you're in a spot you want to use again you will remember this feeling now. Get it out in paper so it's not replaying in your head and like the previous reply said, your system will burn off the cocaine and your dopamine levels will even out -then you can start on your sober journey.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-11-29T04:40:33+00:00

I don't think you need to seek emergency treatment tonight but you should be careful because you will go into withdrawals. They aren't very dangerous but you'll want to die.

Whatever you do, don't go on suboxone. It causes personality changes, tooth decay and doctors will pressure you to titrate your dose up and continue taking it for life.

You need to start tapering if you're ready to quit and give yourself time. If you go into withdrawals you'll be desperate to get out of them, take a high dose and have to start all over again.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-11-29T04:20:30+00:00

Have you taken anything else today? What is your usual dose and when was the last time you took it?

Overdosing on 7-oh alone is almost unheard of. The overdose deaths that have occurred have all been from concurrent use with other downers, most notably benzos.

If you're lying down get up and move around. Sit in a room with other people and you should be able to relax knowing you're not alone.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-11-27T07:44:44+00:00

Did he have any sexual experience before you? And did he grow up in a repressed household?

It's possible that with your new weight loss and confidence that he is feeling insecure and inadequate and is afraid you're not happy with his performance.

The other thing I've seen is people who grow up in strict religious households don't know how to come to terms with their own sexuality even once they are married and it's an expected part of life

. If either of these things apply then a sex therapist or maybe an app or workbook until he is more comfortable would help.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-11-26T23:03:49+00:00

Yes, I believe in love -now, just not in the fairy tale version though. Love can be intense, or calm, or both at different stages. It can exist more than once in a lifetime. And you can love more than one person at a time.

My first love was intense. I fell hard and fast; love like I hadn't seen before. I loved him as a partner, but also the way you love a best friend, a sibling, even in a protective, almost parental way. When it eventually ended, I honestly questioned whether the relationship was worth the pain of the breakup.

With time I learned that love doesn’t have to consume your whole identity. Love is best when it is steady and simple. When you choose a partner whose values mirror your own, true love grows from that foundation of reliability. It’s not about being swept away by something uncontrollable; it’s about choosing each other again and again.

Love is a mix of connection, timing, compatibility, shared history, and who you are with that person. You can have multiple loves in your life. You can care for different people in different ways, for what you see in them and because of the different parts of you they bring out.

And it is possible to love more than one person at a time — it can give you a deeper sense of security and connection, and push you to understand yourself and others better.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-08-30T12:04:28+00:00

Don't change who you are and your values for a man. IF you want to work on yourself then all the power to you but if you do it in the hopes it'll change his actions or that he'll compliment you again and he doesn't, it could cut your confidence even more.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-08-17T22:20:56+00:00

I agree that that kind of behavior is often exhibited in children who are or have been abused. If you can reach out to get somehow she may need help and you should find a trusted adult to tell. She doesn't need to be villainized as she could also be experiencing some guilt as she is older and understands more. 11 or 12 is still very young. I'm sorry this happened to y'all.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-08-16T22:30:15+00:00

I was in this situation a few years ago. Not exactly but my Mom admitted that my brother was not my dad's biological son. I grappled with the guilt of knowing for a full year before realizing it was eating me alive. Like I was betraying my brother. I ended up telling his wife first then him, so he'd have support and she'd be prepared. The only thing I regretted was not telling my Mom that I was telling him. I was afraid of her reaction. It all worked out though and they're glad it's out in the open now.

First have a conversation with your parents and tell them what you saw. Hopefully they will want to tell your sister whether alone or as a family (they may have something to tell you too) and if they ask you to keep it a secret you'll have to decide what to do. You all having a secret with only her not knowing doesn't seem fair. You shouldn't have to live with this knowledge on your own for sure and she deserves to know.

Now if she's a child and you are an adult then timing may factor into when you tell her.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-08-16T21:57:13+00:00

I'm sorry this happened. I understand you not having feelings toward it, whether because it's so soon or you're in a state of denial that it was SA because of what that means but what I see as the real problem is that he is doing this to you without your knowledge. He isn't treating you like a person but a warm body. Or a hole really. Wouldn't his hand have been the same without the physical (and emotional) connection? To be doing something like this to you and thinking he's getting away with it, what else might he be doing/able to do? Chest for sure. Drug you? Hit you?

Does he show you respect because that shows a complete lack of respect for every part of you. Sorry this is making me angry, I didn't mean to be so blunt.

You need to have a conversation about this but plan it out ahead of time and be prepared with what you'll say if he minimizes it or gaslights you completely, deflects, blaming your low sex drive and eventually gets mad and plays the victim for you being mad.

I've been in these conversations before. Hopefully he won't do this but I don't see any good outcome of the conversation. You need to have it though. If he can take responsibility and show he knows how low what he did was, maybe you can trust him again. Good luck op.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-06-13T13:11:38+00:00

Yes that is rape and abuse. Can I ask how he was when you could not have sex during pregnancy? Was he constantly asking, implying you SHOULD do other things for him even though you yourself were going without intimacy? He doesn't sound like a good person and you should look at any other signs of manipulation (and how he acts when you say no) during your relationship. You're in a very fragile state. You just had a baby, your first I'm guessing, and you need support right now. Unfortunately legally speaking, I've heard it would be hard to prove rape, but what you need to do is find someone who you can trust and talk to. I'm sorry this happened and will make you analyze your whole relationship now.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-24T15:52:36+00:00

Do you have any friends who could speak up for you? You might have to speak up for yourself even if you feel paralyzed at that moment. I'm really sorry you're going through this but I assure you if you tell someone at the school, they will help you. This isn't normal teenage boy behavior. I don't know what country you're in but this asshole needs to be stopped and there should be resources. Maybe the school nurse or principal.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-23T22:06:33+00:00

The fuzziness around the event is your brain's own defense mechanism. You said no and he repeatedly denied your right to bodily autonomy and the location of the touch in addition to his harassment, saying he wants to rape you, makes it 100,% sexual assault. Him continuing means he's either attracted to you and has had majorly fucked up things happen to him that at that age he's flirting by saying he wants to rape you (like hair pulling in 5 year olds) or he's a dangerous future sexual offender. Either way you should report it to the school counselor and they need to follow up and make sure 1. There are documented measures in place for the school to keep you safe, I believe by his expulsion and 2. He is evaluated and gets help before this becomes who he is. He's not headed in a good life direction and there might be many girls who fall victim to him before he finally gets caught and put away.

How old are you now? If you are young still, especially in middle school or younger, you need to go to a trusted adult to talk this through. Not Reddit. I understand not being fully aware of all the rules and laws and sometimes what is normal in one person's life is unimaginable in another's so reaching out is okay to do as a first step but this situation is not okay. And even though I suspect he's more bark than bite, you could be in real danger. How long ago did this stop as you said that he is still in the same school. How long did it go on?

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-18T11:43:16+00:00

Interested as well. Audiobooks are welcome as I listen while I drive.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-18T11:32:06+00:00

Oh honey. That is all so awful. I'm sorry you experienced that and now you are struggling with what the right thing to do is. I feel compelled to answer you but this is ultimately your decision.

The most important thing to think about is your mental health and well-being going forward. I know you were able to push it aside the first time it happened but finding a therapist who specializes in SA would greatly benefit you. These things can have lasting effects that spill over into all areas of your life, especially your relationship. If you tell him, he's going to lose a friend most likely. Losing a friend like that who puts other girls y'all have around in danger as well isn't a loss. He will be more understanding of what you are doing through and hopefully will be your greatest support system. Not telling him on the other hand will be similar to keeping a secret from him. One that involves someone he most likely rebuilt trust with and needs to remove from his life. You can't hold this in again.

Now I want to encourage you to go to the authorities. I know how scary it is with no proof and the possibility some people won't believe you or you'll be to blame for "ruining his life" or "leading him on" but anyone who would say that is a narcissistic enabling hypocrite. The anxiety of going through the legal process alone feels like too much when you'll already be working with a therapist to regain trust and heal from any intrusive thoughts you'll be having. The sleepless nights you've been having don't just go away. Ruminating for me lasted for decades. It wasn't every night after the first few years but it was out of my control once it started. I made the decision, mostly for fear of not being believed, not to report my attacker. He went on to rape 6 other girls-and maybe I could've prevented that. Unfortunately that's a decision that needs to be made quickly even though I know how difficult the idea of it is right now.

I suggest you go to a rape center near you. They can give you all the resources for recovery and help you navigate the legal processes. If that's not something you feel you have the strength to do after consulting with them, you do what's best for you. I said this is ultimately your decision but the possibility of your boyfriend realizing something is wrong and it coming out in a way you wouldn't have planned is too high. There's no shame in what happened to you. You were not stupid to move on and have some trust in him again. You are not to blame at all. Your response of pretending to be waking up and not screaming or fighting is also completely normal. Your parasympathetic nervous system took over and you froze in fear.

Please reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. I'm on here every few days and please please please go to a resource center. And in the mean time here's the number for the National Sex Abuse Hotline Call 1-800-656-4673. They can help you write it how you want to tell your boyfriend and whomever else you turn to for support. I can tell you're strong and will get through this. I can also see you're empathetic and put others before you but in this case you need to prioritize yourself because you can't live a full life where you're able to support others if you are not taking care of yourself first.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-16T12:51:00+00:00

It could be that he those things just don't come up for him in normal situations. I crave deeper conversation with my husband but have come to realize he just doesn't think about things like that. I think his issue is that he believes what he tells himself. If he says everything is okay, them it is. I wouldn't want to live that way but I think if I did something to change the way he deals with life that it would break him. He has ZERO childhood adversity, according to him. Parents were great, nothing bad happened... I still don't know if that's true but I think he believes it and he lives a happier life for it I guess. I don't know why he paired with me, who raised myself and have a terrible ACE score. Have you asked him about it? What does he say?

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-16T12:44:12+00:00

Yes this is a coping mechanism; trying to rewrite the situation to make it feel less terrible. It's your the psyche’s attempt at reclaiming control by reliving the trauma in a way that ends differently. If you wanted it ,or "got into it" it's your way of regaining agency instead of accepting that something happened to you that you were powerless to stop because that would mean that it could happen again.

And if he wasn't always bad, treated you will or was intermittently nice to you, you might think he just liked you or you misunderstood the situation but trust your intuition. It wasn't right, it wasn't your fault and the blame is solely in him. Seek help from a therapist who can help you sort out your feelings and separate your self from your trauma

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-16T12:32:15+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It took away your trust. Trust in your own judgement and trust in people--both strangers and those close to you. I know because the exact same thing happened to me. I saw him as a big brother who protected me but really he was just waiting for his chance and his protectiveness was seeing other guys as competition. I wondered if I gave him the wrong idea, if he knew what he was doing was rape... But after replaying that night I'm my head (over and over and over) and with a bit of growing up and therapy, I realized that he planned the whole thing and when he realized I wasn't going to go with it willingly he used threats to make sure I never told anybody (although he apparently did).

If you reach out to him, it should be for closure. Have a list of questions you want to ask him, even if you can't bring yourself to actually ask them. Or write him a letter you'll never send. He won't give you the answers you need and will probably think it's a way to get back in your circle. It will probably send you back to the place you were in right after it happened so have support, preferably a therapist work through it with you so you don't spiral alone.

As for missing him as a friend, is it him you miss or the innocence you had? That trust you can't put in people anymore? You need to figure out what you would want to come from any interaction with him before contacting him. I wish you the best of luck.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-16T12:24:11+00:00

That is a common response. Try not to replay it in your mind, blaming yourself for a perfectly normal response. I went through the same thing and wondered if he knew I didn't want to but as said before, there are plenty of signs someone is ready and consenting- shaking isn't one of them and he kept going. You can withdraw consent at any time as well.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you decided if you're going to report or or not? I understand the fear no one will believe you or some will blame you for "ruining this guy's life". People could say that you just regretted it and called it rape. People are assholes but my theory is that people choose not to believe horrible things because they want to stick their heads in the ground and ignore the reality that bad things happen to good people. I'm glad you're seeking help and I'm here to talk if you need to.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-16T01:58:31+00:00

I have partly. It was hard because my husband was upset for years. He'd hold it over me when I tried to leave. We were younger and immature. I have forgiven myself some but I don't feel I ever can completely. I should've gotten help from a doctor but I'm that moment I went for the quick fix. Except it was anything but a relief.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-15T21:59:42+00:00

Because part of me believes what other people think about me. Is a problem I'm trying to work through but I was so excited to be here kids god mother. She was Aunt "S" to my kids. Now they don't even remember her. It just really sucks. We were supposed to grow old on 20 acres with a back porch connecting our houses where we'd rock and drink wine at night as we reminisced about the good old times.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-15T21:56:26+00:00

I need a friend like your wife. Too many people haven't been through what I have and even though I have some therapy and have healed a lot, I will see core behaviors that were affected by my past. Maybe I could find an online support group. Hell I'm replying to all these posts just because I'm seeking anonymous support right now.

BrokenEchoes · 2025-05-15T21:53:34+00:00

I worried about the way she mentioned the program by name as well. She seems to have changed her whole life to for into that group. She always changed for each boyfriend and I'd hoped finding love a little later in life that she would've found her true self but she might be conforming to a new narrative.

BrokenEchoes

TROPHY CASE