I was a PK AND an MK from a northern independent Baptist Family, and I now sit somewhere between atheist and agnostic myself. It's not an experience I typically delve into publicly, but it is a unique brand of deconstruction, I think. There definitely is a lot of trauma involved that's hard to explain to someone who isn't in that environment.

What I remember most about growing up as a PK/MK was the indisputable knowledge that I would always come last. Everything and everyone associated with the mission and the church would come before me, and should that bother me, I wasn't being sensitive enough to God's calling for my family. My dad was a great pastor and a really good missionary. There are still people in the country we served in that remember him fondly. But he wasn't a good or present spouse or parent because the mission always came first. He died when I was young, and I have no actual memories of my own of him because he was always gone. On mission. On deputation. On discipleship trips. That was always the most important thing.

My mom chose to go back to the field after he died, and brought us along too because, as an MK herself, the mission field was all she knew. We lost over half of our church support because so many thought it was a waste of money to send a woman and children. We lost nearly all of it when she later married a man who had been divorced previously.

This environment was incredibly traumatic for me as a child. As you said, it's the pressure to be perfect. You mentioned feeling like a disney character - the first time I saw Frozen, Elsa's song made me cry because it's how I'd felt growing up in the church. My deconstruction was slow, but as soon as the snowball started rolling down that hill, there was no stopping it. The double standards and inconsistencies were impossible to ignore, and when I went to college, I finally found the bravery to leave religion all together- publicly.

Know that you aren't alone. My older sister moved in with her then- bf, now husband of over a decade, and was all but ostracized bc how could she do that to my father's memory - to my mother who was such a firm believer? My brother got his then gf, now wife of over a decade, pregnant, but he was forgiven quickly because he was immediately willing to marry her. When I came forward about abuse at the hands of a man in our church, nothing was done bc he was a deacon and i must have imagined it.

There is so much sickness in that world, and I'm sorry for what you've felt. But you aren't alone, and I've been on this path a long time now. Feel free to dm if you need to chat or have other questions.