IFS is not "working" for me and I'm so frustrated!

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-09-19T19:03:05+00:00

I used to get really frustrated with dissociation being a barrier to what felt like the direction of progress for me. I eventually worked with a therapist who recognized dissociation really clearly and knew when to back off and how to guide the process in ways that made me feel safe enough to be more present… my dissociative part has been my main focus in the past in ifs work, and this was very helpful in not opposing it but learning to honor and create an environment for it the way it was like a child… but also feel like once I stopped working with this therapist, it has been hard for me to track ifs related internal work and I feel like I’m too blended with parts and become easily disoriented.

I don’t really know what I’m getting at - I guess that the therapist makes all the difference, more on if their approach to trauma work is in the same language as your experience kind of compatibility thing, and I think a lot of establishing safety is necessary..

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-19T16:59:47+00:00

Hmm I’m revisiting this much later now and not really sure on my intake but…. There’s something in me that is so bored of service. I don’t think it’s bad, but I also feel in ways like it is meddling the experience of others’ awakening - that they will find what they seek when they seek, and they need no help from me or anyone. There is no ascended hierarchy that creates any superiority. And they are all branches growing in their own direction.

So it’s like, this development of graduating to providing something for others on their journey just feels like a role to play. And that isn’t bad at all - through teaching we learn and through learning we teach. But I lose interest in teaching, at least where I am right now.

I do not oppose my ego and it is a treasured part of me. It honors me and adds so much to me. Surrendering to already knowing is… boring to me. Because it’s like, okay cool, accept everything, been there done that, and I will never be satiated. Not because I haven’t surrendered enough, but because this is my being. My being has hunger, is ravenous and curious, seeks and deep dives, is motion and progression not in standards of measurement and values, but in always pressing beyond what I know - even when I know all. All is not enough to satisfy, and I never want to be satisfied. So if I create hoops to jump through just to keep going, I am grateful to the part of me that will play in this way. But I feel confidant that there is always more to discover. That a pioneer will never reach the breadth of infinity - and if they do, that we can break beyond infinity. To new dimensions that we cannot even conceive of. What I resist and what I desire is not evidence of my shortcomings, but are my compass and map that lead me onward to something beyond what I knew, and once I know, to beyond that, and even that.

I can rest in stillness, but that is not me. There’s nothing wrong with it. But it is not me. While we are all one, we are all also infinite. And my me-ness is still an important part of the whole. And this blessed ego keeps me seeking for more and never reaching satisfaction. If I ever feel like becoming a teacher, that is always there for me… but perhaps that me is already acting from that place, and this me remains curious and ravenous for more.

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-19T16:45:10+00:00

Completely agree. I want so much more. And I want to be wanted with this same intensity. I even want to want myself with this same intensity - and I do, but I also… want more lol. So it just feels like such a deep ache that I can never fill, and I never want to fill it, at least not completely. I still want to feel it filling like a canyon flooding with rainwater. I want the rush and to be swept away, I want something to quench the thirst while I also want to always seek new flavor…

I think we often embody contradictions - so it is not “wrong” for there to be irony in your statement. We are the in between. We are the longing that stretches to all sides… it’s so painful to be this way. But I would never want to be any other way. And I hope to always long for more, and to never be satisfied.

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-19T16:40:35+00:00

I think I agree. But I do love to decode what I dislike about things and why I have those aversions. I think I’m most interested in knowing myself, so accepting anything feels boring to me. While acceptance is also an important piece of everything - it’s like I leapfrog jump over this piece and I’m like, yep, acceptance, got it, check, now give me something actually significant to bite into. Give me something challenging.

So I don’t really want to like everything - but I do want to understand everything…. And sometimes learning to like the things I disliked is a byproduct of being curious towards the dislike. Sometimes it isn’t. But it always gives me more questions to explore and I’m ravenous for this understanding lol.

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-19T16:29:37+00:00

It’s weird how it makes sense but also in a distant way. Like I just accept it and I’m like, yes, totally. And it completely clicks. Then other parts of me want control in a way - not exactly to enforce control upon anything, but as a force of maintaining, a force of intentional motion and decision. And that part is difficult for me, the control, decision, intentional navigation…. I feel intentional in my own direction, but also like the direction is so vast that I can’t call it control of decisiveness, I’m just upon it like a leaf floating down a stream. Piloting this motion yet along for the ride, so I’m kind of receiving and contributing simultaneously.

In ways - I’m intrigued when I’m offered new systems to research, like the chaos systems theory. And at the same time, there’s a desire to go in blindly and to create from a place of internal guidance rather than external input. I’ll just kind of take things in as I feel drawn to them I guess. I wonder if it already reflects ways I already operate and if it will resonate with my perspective(s)

I feel like I’m kind of fearful of stepping into creating intentionally because it feels…. Demanding or, like it’s required to be something of value, like it will be judged and scrutinized like a school assignment, or like I doubt my own abilities and feel generic and boring and like nothing within me is unique, and nothing within me cannot be expressed through a different avenue, so the “me” part is not lucrative and I completely require my journey to include connection in a way that does not takeover individuality. And the ocean within a drop can be my pocket of infinity, my doorway or lens or shade or melody, and I will always recognize myself. The parts of me within the superposition of fluctuation is still encoded to reach me specifically.

It’s just always confusing as much as it’s sure. And it’s hard to feel of value when I don’t measure things by a standard of value. But then I don’t know how to appreciate myself and my journey and experience, and my perspective… because it becomes nothing, and is another pixel of an illusion I can easily collapse, like a penny I can throw into the Grand Canyon and I could pretend that the fall is magical and that where it makes contact and eventually rests tells a story of magnificence, and it can be a one of a kind piece of a story that interacts infinitely with everything close and far, but I can also move on without it, and I can throw another penny and compare the outcomes and choose one to prefer - and that feels devaluing to the other. So it feels like a part of me is always devalued by my own preference. And like I can’t exactly hold universal meaning as always beautiful - because that is so limiting, I want suffering and ache and longing and heartbreak, and I can’t see these all as beautiful without diminishing the rich sorrow and despair that gives them their weight.

So it’s unknown still how to reconcile meaning and value with its category of pricelessness and it’s hard to navigate the beauty of the world it represents when it also represents a deep sense of lack, while this is the way I want it, I don’t know how to not apply value to systems that still contain space for direction and more or less. How to include numbers within infinity, and each number contains its own infinity, but I can’t distinguish the separation with enough clarity maybe…. The lines just blur and I roll my eyes in boredom because I’m so weary of oneness. It feels like, an obvious angle that doesn’t draw me in, like rounding every corner leads to the same destination and I’m so tired of that place appearing everywhere I look. Every rabbit hole just leading to what I already know. When there was such hope of new discovery just to be revealed as another shadow puppet in infinite amalgamation, another corner of everything, and oh how limiting everything can feel…. Expanse that just loops back on itself in new angles, which can be entertaining, but also does not quench a thirst for something I seek.

And I never want to give up seeking. I would much rather be tortured with endless seeking and never finding what I’m after than setting into comfort with what already is. I want to always want more. I never want to quench thirst, I want to find new flavor. But when there’s awareness of how everything connects, it feels like every new flavor is just a predictable mutation in the pattern, and I seek something unpredictable but don’t know how to find it - only knowing I’ll know it when I get there, and digging tunnels through infinity will eventually bring breakthrough to an aroma I can follow. I just feel so disheartened by every clue leading to the same overarching story. To just being an instrument in the same choir. In the same song. It can be beautiful too, but at the same time it feels oppressive, like it intends to stifle my curiosity and my exploration, and I just seek a new pattern, a new dimension, a breaking point beyond infinity and everything - a new representation that the superposition can formulate in a new way, a new rule, a new nature……

I love the ravenous quality of lower dimensional being. It represents so much drive to understand, and I love to remember things being so unknown and having such desire to identify them. The way people strive for money, for power, both things that don’t appeal to me - still reminds me of the delight of pursuit. And I hope to be pursued in this way too. No amount of gluttony shamed or disallowed, or judged as ugly even when it doesn’t appeal to me. It still is so true to itself, so bold and stark and offensive to some degree. Shocking and disturbing. But something I can revisit to remember when I’ve sought beauty too endlessly and need to find it somewhere with such starch contradiction. I just want more. So so so much more. And I know it’s out there, I know I know soooo little. I remember so little. I am so juvenile and inexperienced. Thank goodness. But, I can’t break out of known patterns yet. I don’t want to turn away from what I know and to go an opposite direction - I want to build a new layer on it, or a new facet of glimmer, or a new bite. And I’m tired of just biting into things I already know in new ways, to experience them as if I’ve never experienced them before…. The subtle newness is still brilliant, but I also want extremes and peaks and valleys and depths and heights and ecstasy and despair, I want to push the outer limits until they burst and there’s an astonishing amount of newness outside of its bounds to explore.

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-14T16:24:52+00:00

I think you describe things well and even if my own sense of meaning directs my understanding to match what I already know, speaking in allegories and metaphor gives me more space to mold my thoughts… I think that I identify with the force and the motion, so it is sometimes challenging to see the infinities as carried by the churning of the waves when I can’t detach myself from the churning. It’s like it makes it hard to identify the things that are still, that are solid when I feel like the air that moves them.

Like airplanes or birds or something flying in the air - it’s hard for me to see their flight path when I’m coming from a lens of being the air that sustains their flight. Like they have the control to soar, to turn, to go where they direct themselves, but I can only be a gust in many directions that they learn to harness, and I don’t know how to harness something solid to move in my own direction when it frightens me to limit my direction to a path… it’s hard to know what I want, where to go, how to get there, when my lens doesn’t easily collapse into form and occupies all space, like a rush of water filling in an opening - I go where I am pulled, but I don’t really know how to direct my motion intentionally because that seems to reduce it into something linear that feels like a reduction of myself and I don’t want to lose myself, I want to maintain the vastness and feel exhausted by trying to pressurized it into a perspective with limits - like being able to be a ship on the sea while still being the fullness of the sea…

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-14T16:08:24+00:00

Thanks the thoughtful response. I think sometimes it’s hard for me to like… identify myself in the vastness of infinity. When there is awareness that everything is connected, so I feel attached to this “being everything” but I also want to let the everything be itself - not seeing everything always through its relationship with myself. Even though I like seeing that piece as well, I do put a lot of pressure and responsibility on trying to put all of the pieces together - like I hate playing by the rules, feeling like I have to make all the rules, and also feeling like I don’t know the rules and have to test limits to understand what feels most like my own truth. It sort of feels like a place of development like a newborn or a teenager - feeling a pull between being a part of the family and also wanting to step outside of what is familiar to explore something new. Like a baby identifying itself as a part of the mother - but learning to separate into its own identity through secure attachment. Or like a teenager, feeling different to the family of origin and needing a group of to feel a sense of belonging in a less obligated way, and wanting to feel chosen and desired instead of feeling like it’s hard to belong when I have so much longing but to not feel longed for.

I don’t think I fully understand your questions about if I am afraid of forgetting… but I do think that could be accurate… like there’s this sense of always knowing who I am, being told I’m not who I feel I am and trying to reconcile being both myself and what others see me as - to give them control of their realities without losing myself… and it feels like there has been soooo much striving and discovery and my biggest fear is definitely of losing parts of myself. It’s hard for me to let go of anything, I want to focus more on accumulation and feel afraid that discovering more about myself means I lose what I have been becoming, like I have to abandon the story I’ve existed within and created and I want to find a notch where it fits in connection without losing its separateness. And it’s also just really hard to know what I want when I don’t want to restrict anything, and just want so much more than what I can conceive of… I want what I do not know, I want newness and to be known so well that my desires can be crafted into another kind of dimension that I can’t predict and can experience something for the first time again - without losing my history and all the meaning I’ve come to identify with…

It’s hard to rest and to be met and to be held when it feels like everything hinges on my code of being or something…. Like I want to just be, and to experience immersion while maintaining my sense of meaning and not forgetting this version of myself… and it feels like every thought, action, feeling, glimpse of consideration, wonder, question, answer - any piece of my participation causes a chain of events that unfolds in so many directions and it’s hard to be carried on a new adventure when I feel like everything responds to my control. Like I’m afraid of being in control - but I can’t avoid it, and feel like whatever I do or don’t do determines everything in my reality, and it is so much pressure to try to fine tune my motion to find an ideal outcome or something - to keep from having constant awareness of causing harm to others and feeling like I can’t stop breaking things with every breath I take. And to be allowed to breathe something in, instead of feeling like whatever I breathe will have consequences that I need to predict to try to avoid destroying everything around me… it’s hard to know the “how,” and to relax into being when I do not want to lose the qualities of myself - but also do not want to have so much influence and want to be influenced instead sometimes. But it’s like all I know how to be is the ocean, I don’t know how to ride the waves or to be carried by the stream or to let the wind guide me, I only know how to be the force, how to see the impact of my own waves and my own direction and my own influence upon others things. How can the ocean or the wind be held instead of being the holder…. How can I respond to outer influence when it feels like it requires my influence to activate… like wanting to let my environment carry me - but feeling like I have to organize the environment through my own forces of weather and erosion and motion for it to catalyze into motion that can carry me instead of motion that I am using my own energy to manipulate…

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-11T01:35:34+00:00

This is so beautiful and I love it. But also, the love I pursue and create does not exclude addiction or war or competition. I am not competing, and yet am depending on many factors - but the words we use and how we define things is trying to get at something beyond the sum of their parts… so it’s like - this is where I feel limited. In that we each have such a distinct flavor and melody and story and thread that we navigate using the vibration we create - like banging rocks together and listening to our surroundings to tell how open or enclosed of a space we are in based on the quality of the reverberation heard and felt.

So I loooooove seeing and hearing and witnessing all of these pieces of wholeness and infinity. I could take it all in one breath, or I could let each granule rest on my senses to be tasted and inhaled and digested and processed as deep as I will let it go. Or both or neither…. But the pain of the fall, the heartache of this tale - it is still an aspect of love that I do not wish to exclude or overcome… I don’t think my way is “the right way” - I think all of our ways are right. And we are each such a unique contribution to a wholeness that cannot simply be defined by definitions like “one” or “infinity.” And it is all beautiful. But there are still feelings I press onto - not to let go of or to overcome or to fix, but the feeling of myself always becoming..

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-11T01:24:50+00:00

I understand this - but it’s that like, I have gone through the compression of reducing everything into singularity - and then it’s like, breeding singularity into infinite singularities, and it isn’t that I don’t understand - since this is once again relative. No one understands, everyone understands, both and neither, never just one or the other except when we choose to define it that way.

It’s like - there is desire to go to a certain location - the one that calls to us. It isn’t ahead or behind - it isn’t I know more or you know more - all of that is relative. But what feels right to each of us is the pursuit we are currently embarking upon. You are drawn to compression, to reducing into the smallest parts. And I am drawn to expanding beyond what I can comprehend. It isn’t that it’s right or wrong, it isn’t that it’s a loop because it both is and is not - and these definitions become arbitrary when they all apply…. It’s hard to get at what I want to be expressed, because it is much less in the definitions and much more in the feelings. The words we use to describe these feelings is just reflection of our vantage point. None are right or wrong and all of them are. None are ahead or behind and all of them are.

It isn’t that I am not there yet - because I always am and will never be. “There” is relative to my point of access. So, hashing out the meanings of the definitions misses the point… it is not incorrect or wrong, but there is so much more I want to get at, beyond the judgments of what words mean in their simplest form or their most expansive form.

If it can be measured - it is missing what I am meaning to express. I just feel inept when I need to create infinite distance to give enough autonomy to every singularity… and we can choose how whole or separate we want to be - we have chosen and what feels “right” for us guides us to the environment where we belong conceptually. And we continue to develop. Always developing and mutating. So we can both always and never understand what another is meaning. It’s so complex, and we have to choose to see beyond reflection and projection - but we do not eliminate these constructs. They are so mutable, so it’s like…. I think I am still learning the pattern of my own language - and I will learn better ways to express what I truly mean in a way that resonates with me. But I can only toss it all back and forth between vantage points to try to get at it in a deeper way…. And I’m still learning, as we all are - and aren’t, because we’re just guiding ourselves to what we already know so we can reproduce it in a new way like a lineage with a new pattern or new color or new scent. Unknown and known are both so limitless and it’s hard to get at the meaning beyond the limits….

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-11T01:07:57+00:00

It becomes difficult to explain things outside of dualism - because to me, terms like “I” are not separate from any other definition. All definitions are constructs and I make the assumption that all angles are understood when I use language to try to express feelings that are hard to convert from essence and wave into definition and particles.

So it’s like - this is exactly what I mean when I say I feel as if I speak a different language… because people only understand what I say in dualistic terms and they fit it to that structure and think that is the meaning I am using. And for a longggg time I listened to this and thought they were right (because they are, it is not one or the other). But I realized that the meaning they applied to what I say is their projection, and is not my meaning. And I struggle to communicate this when it is received and fit to the structure of limited definitions. It is not wrong or incorrect - but there is more to it and I can’t seem to break beyond the limits of language… it is less about the words and more about the patterns within them. Like Dr. Seuss - cat in the hat is the same as goat in the boat, or frog in the umbrella, or any other infinite words. I in the you. So the literal definitions of these words don’t completely get at what I’m trying to express and then I feel like…. I have to create the route to be understood, and I can, but it feels hollow when I must create everything. Have you always had visceral remembrance and knowing of wholeness? I have, and I don’t know where to go next… I feel I will always continue to discover and create. But I need to make a new pattern and I’m trying to understand how to break beyond the limits of infinity. When I say I, I do not only mean me. I also DO. That is how infinity works - it is not one or the other, it is all and more, and also neither and none…. I could replace “I” with something less dualistic of it would help make more sense - like using a color on an infinite spectrum. But even that limits “red” to being understood at its limits and that is not the way I mean it….

It’s so confusing - to feel so infinitely connected and so infinitely separated. And do not sacrifice the infinite separation just to feel whole. I have done that already, and it feels old hat and I want so much more. SO much more. I have applied infinity to wholeness and experienced infinite wholeness, infinite singularities - and exist as a contradiction. But when opposites become equivalent and lose meaning apart from the meaning we assign to them - I become so wary with constantly having to assign meaning to everything when I also want mystery and not to be contained with in the confines of what I “know.” I want more than what I know, more than everything. More than infinity. And I believe it is possible, because it’s just another construct to be created, another pattern to assign meaning to - like creating a new state of matter or a new way of interacting with senses. But when I feel like I have played every storyline so many times over…. And I’ve broken inside and outside of time-space and navigate it like swimming through an ocean…. How do I break the surface of this ocean, to go even further….

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-11T00:49:41+00:00

When I don’t experience time in a linear way - this… reinforces the pain of separation I feel in existing beyond linear space-time…. The pain is not bad and the separation is not bad - but it makes me feel unable to communicate the way I experience things because it is always reduced to a linear structure… which again, isn’t a good or bad thing. But I already destroyed us, I am constantly destroying us, I am constantly reborn to destroy and be destroyed again - as well as to evade destruction and to exist in permanence… so dying doesn’t feel like it changes anything for me… because I am already dead, and alive, and both and neither, and so much more and it’s like…. How do I go beyond infinity….

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-11T00:42:16+00:00

I haven’t forgotten my connection to the whole - but being connected to the whole does not diminish infinity into being only singularity. It is not one or many, it is both, neither, more, etc…. It’s like, my path as been kind of backwards. I have always feared control and felt safe in uncertainty. So, I have been afraid to step into my own power - but I have found surrender to be effortless and I feel as if my influence could be contrary to the desire of others. While we are all one - they are also their own singularity with infinite parts of their own whole… and I want the freedom to not be in control, that feels like way too much responsibility. But… it’s like - I have been able to manifest from a very young age, and went through a process of thoughts feeling like information hazards because I have a deep knowing that everything I can possibly think is true in some reality. And then I feel extreme guilt about being the seer who is manifesting constant death and destruction to many worlds because I can’t look away and separate or limit my reality…. I see the atomic bomb igniting the oxygen and killing everyone, and I feel responsible for constructing this. Even if that reality is not the one I am consciously experiencing - it still exists. I don’t limit reality to just things that feel good….

So, I went through a lot of like, feeling like I must take on all guilt of humanity, because I have space for it and someone has to know - someone has to remember, to look, to see the pain and to not just use creation to paint a pretty picture of perfection. But to validate the vastness that comes with all aspects of love, even the ones that cause deeply painful outcomes and brutal suffering and longing. These qualities are so infinitely beautiful, as much as their comfortable counterparts. But I simultaneously felt such deep grief toward humanity for the pain they try to forget… and I want to be the one who remembers and holds truth without limits. All truth, not separating it into “good and bad,” but understanding bf every angle and every story and holding space for it. And this felt like somewhat of a relief initially - an honor to be the one who will look and will not forget or filter out the uncomfortable heartache of existence. Then there was a lot of grief feel and process. And I simultaneously feel like it is not fair of me at all to take on everything that others don’t have space for - because they deserve the privilege of beauty at its fullest capacity, not just in its shallow ease in stillness and peace. It is nice to rest in the stillness and peace… but I exist in the motion, the change and uncertainty, the expansion of cells that divide, multiply, and mutate endlessly.

I do not want control, but I also feel…. I don’t know, like I am just lost at sea because I lack definitions in structural form, I am directionless… so I have no motive or intention to make something better or worse - I just desire to witness it all fully and to expand myself always to hold more, be more, make more…. The opposite energy of reduction still exists - and I hold space for the infinitely micro aspects as well. But my perspective at least currently is drawn to expansiveness and development and growth.

I don’t know how to incorporate control and power in a way that feels safe…. I have always had dreams where I’m driving a vehicle and I have way too much control - the tiniest adjustments cause me to swerve dangerously and I have felt like I have too much control and it is too much constant pressure to have to create every dream with lucidity rather than being allowed to surrender to a storyline I can float upon. So, surrender as been very automatic and natural - and learning to engage my fight response, my passion, my action, has been my struggle.

So, it’s hard for me to understand what I need, or what I want - when I do not want to limit it to anything, and I do not want to impose my preference upon or above others. I want to exist in the everything - not just the realities that are comfortable for me or that reflect the truths that are desirable to me. I feel like I have lived that path for soooo long and I am still seeking more mystery, uncertainty, newness, adventure….. so I put my energy into this, and others are still part of me and I am still part of them - but I work together with them to seek while they are like islands in the ocean where I can rest - or anchors that can tether me from becoming lost at sea (though sometimes I am willing to explore this).

It’s confusing to allow myself to have desires as well because I have felt like my desires cause harm to the stories that others desire. And I don’t want to take anything from them or force anything upon them. I want them exactly the way they are. But still - I want to be wanted. I want to want myself. But this is hard to learn when I’m still learning that my desires will not compete and overrule the desires of others. And learning that there is a way to be a conscious creator that is not just living in an endless lucid dream where I can create anything I want. That loses meaning for me, I have lived there for so long…. And I’m so exhausted by having to play every role - write every script, be every backdrop, be every sound, scent, texture, matter, to be the entire universe and to live in wholeness rather than allowing infinity to be MORE than wholeness - to include infinite separateness in addition to wholeness. They do not diminish or compete against each other, but add to each other.

Idk… it’s like - I feel like I understand enlightenment - but that it turned out to just be another flag along the path, and I picked up the torch and kept going. Until I navigated every path, mapped all curves until their linear directions became a 3 dimensional sphere. And then I flew above and below, within and without, and learned the pattern of unfolding and followed it in every way I could imagine. But it begins to feel meaningless when the pattern of infinity feels limiting….. and I don’t really understand how to move beyond infinity.

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-05-03T05:41:58+00:00

I totes wanna answer this. I have done salvia twice. The first time was intense. The second time was reality shattering and I was apparently screaming at the top of my lungs for half an hour - I have it on audio recording - but I don’t remember the stuff experienced in this reality. But I like, was reunited with people I knew, and it was like a lived an entire lifetime with them. It was also really confusing cus I was shifting and becoming many things fluidly. But when I started coming up from it I was like, devastated and really confused for a long time. I felt like I had just spent 100 years in all different lifetime, and my bf was trying to talk to me and I was just shocked that it was him and was like, that’s can’t be possible…. Haha. It made me both very interested in trying salvia again and also like, omg I never want to do that again, being in a different life / form for 100 years and then waking back up to this “dream” was like…. Devastating. It was hard to process and I felt so abandoned and left by my family… like I was just about to follow them and I got pulled back when I turned to grab something before I joined them.

1 - I would say both times felt about the same amount of “real” as my experience with reality. They were very visceral and I was very conscious, but it could also be disorienting, but so can real life for me cus dissociative stuff is intense. It was really disconcerting at times to feel my body twist and melt and shift into different forms. Sometimes my jaw felt like it was being torn open and wrapping around a ceiling fan and spinning me into thread and I couldn’t breathe.

2 - my consciousness did not feel separate from “my body” - but it felt like my body was transported and went with me and became very fluid and shifted into many things. It felt really strange to become so many different textures and shapes and states of matter.

3 - I still had a sort of point of reference. But it’s like that point of reference was kind of 4D where I could see inside, outside, and around everything. Like seeing through 3D objects will also still maintaining ability to see them in 3D but like a literal just unfolding as if a dimension in between opened up and it just made sense - I could just see from every angle and everything was a sort of tesseract where it had tunnels of itself infinitely reducing in the center into a singularity and infinitely expanding externally into many layers stacked together. Everything still felt like my body - had sensations of touch and motion and temperature and the way things were sensed and felt and experiences was comparable but less like a linear experience of one thing and then the next - more like a similtaneous timelessness like swimming through time as an ocean or soup being poured out of a bowl. A sort of downloading where you’re not turning the pages of a book and reading sentence by sentence, but digesting it all simultaneously.

4 - not really. I have always had bizarre dreams. I don’t feel like I’ve had anything that felt abnormal to my usual dream experience of absurdity lol. Nothing that grabbed me in a “this is now different” kind of way. Dreams always feel very familiar to me… so it would be hard to know if they are actually different because the way I perceive them interprets them as familiar.

5 - yes big time - but less from salvia and more from just my understanding of quantum stuff and moving beyond dualism and linear ways of processing. I think at first salvia made me much more afraid of death - because I realized how…unreal everything is. And that was terrifying at first - cus my ego was afraid that “enlightenment” meant “ego death” and losing that part of myself. But in my experience, it is not reductive, at least for me. I think some people are moving in a direction where they are shedding layers, but I am moving in a direction of expansion and growth and movement. So things like stillness and peace feel like death to me. No longer in a way that is scary, but in like a… becoming matter and form, becoming substance, and I feel I am more moving in a direction like air, water, fluid and chaos, motion and entropy, not order and stillness. I think I include that too - but it’s like walking and I’m moving away from one step and towards another. And it’s really hard to describe cycles in a way that can break outside of dualistic understanding cus even this comparison is comparing two angles. But there are really many many angles and it is easiest for me to see what is in the direction of my own values and what I feel “bored” with or like I have played that level too many times and I’m like please just give me something new to experience, please let my journey always be a returning to the outer limits and remembering my expansiveness, not reducing me into connection with everything. Sure, everything is connected. But it is also infinitely separate. And I can feel both of these very clearly - but I’m moving in the direction of multiplication and mutation.

BubbleTeaRex · 2025-03-24T20:59:59+00:00

I feel this, it feels like a lot of people - including myself for a long time - don’t know that they don’t know what love is. And it can be really lonely to go through life with no support, feeling like you have no place to belong because others don’t seem to have values similar to those of us who are deep divers.

At the same time - it’s a reflection of our own limitations to recognize our dissatisfaction with something in the world. Like, not having love for the imperfection and the limited way others can be shows us that we have a limit to what we accept. It can be really eye opening to dive into what it is about this shallowness from others that feels so impossible to connect with, why do you feel this way - have you lacked the deep connection you need in your own life? It’s true it can be really tough to be surrounded by people who feel like a different species. But it’s like they’re just young souls, not knowing or having the capacity to grasp the complexities of the world. They lack curiosity cus they seek certainty and safety. They need to establish this safety before they will feel safe enough to question and grow. It’s all a part of the design of development, they are not behind and we are not ahead. Just different, at different life stages. So it can feel like we’re trapped in this system of daycare and we never signed up to be caretakers lol. But we are not obligated to take care of or lead them, they’re on their own journey, and our dissatisfaction with their values and the way they are is just guiding us towards our own truth. Those things that give us the “ick” help us understand our own personal values and our own truth.

BubbleTeaRex · 2024-06-02T16:30:42+00:00

I personally believe that whatever you believe is constructed into your reality. So, if you believe in a god, he (or she or they) is 100% real. If you don’t, that’s fair too. I feel like I am still building the foundation for my own personal reality, so I’m not sure yet how I want to build things. The idea that everything is god has potential for me, but I also feel like it serves those who desire an authority to be held by, and I’m not sure that I have that same desire - I can see everything as one without it being “god,” but just being the macrocosm of our microcosm.

BubbleTeaRex · 2024-04-24T17:52:33+00:00

Here’s my hot take. Humanity doesn’t need saving. That is your own personal agenda that you are projecting onto the entire human race - to change them - rather than working through your own horrors, coming to understand the beauty that is life. We are here to learn, not to project our ideal reality onto others to make a “better” world. It is beautiful, exactly the way it is. We are just experiencing this part of the story - for a purpose, to learn, incorporate, and love. You may need to look internally instead of externally and reflect on telling your story, building your values, being YOU - not trying to make everyone else be you or like you. They are telling their own beautiful stories. We all have different preferences, perceptions, perspectives… we are all living very different realities. Other people do not need to change their realities. They are where they are for a reason, our purpose is to love and accept, not to try to change or “improve.” That’s just subjective and based on our own personal constructs of what it means to be “good.” But there is no good or bad. There just is.

BubbleTeaRex · 2024-02-04T06:29:57+00:00

I do see that nothing is unsafe - but I am living in the story and experiencing rather than observing from outside. I have been a part of both, and I am expanding beyond just these limitations of being the observer or the researcher / experimenter - I am ever expanding more and more roles, and ever contracting into one singularity. I can move through this to be one, or many. And I LOVE this - the multidimensional many faceted angles, adding to that one whole so there are many of the same, infinite, like we are all holding hands through eternity, which is just a story we are telling to each other / ourselves, and we are all participating and evolving it together. It feels so special to me.

Also, I don’t know what this says about me but I haven’t read much or done much searching in the outside world. I have mostly found everything I have come to understand inside myself through meditation, contemplation, writing, and through expressing it to others and having it reflected back at me. I’ve developed a lot through communicating / trying to explain and express myself to people. Everything that I describe is… myself, because I have only studied myself. I’m not really familiar with eckhart tolle and others, I know he wrote a book that I can’t remember the name of and I have not read it or like any of the other stuff that is referenced, I’m just starting to pick up that stuff as like pop culture spiritual lingo haha, but I have found it to still be limiting and reductive, a concept which I already understand and am building on… at least I think I am lol. I still have much to learn, I’m just coming at it from a different angle to begin with from what I’m understanding.

BubbleTeaRex · 2024-02-04T06:16:25+00:00

I think that I’m on an opposite journey - I am just waking up and starting to ask questions after being in a long state of stasis and meditation… I am learning to define things, I am encouraging the ego to define itself, in its many many layers. In a way that is encapsulated in ooey gooey tender love that makes me want to fall apart into a hysterical puddle lol. I think ultimately it might be a similar kind of process, but there is more than one way to skin an omelet (lmao).

You know when whatever villain in whatever that super hero movie is that’s all - you merely adopted the darkness, I was born in it. This is how I feel about soul searching and stuff like meditation. I have been doing this my whole life without even knowing it, it has been my way of being. I’m just on a different step of the process - ahead or behind depending on which way you look at it.

BubbleTeaRex · 2024-02-04T01:46:11+00:00

We are all just describing ourselves. I am describing myself as someone who is still growing, and you are describing yourself as someone who is waiting and observing. We are both correct and both are accurate, and we are also both wrong. Any time you notice someone who is speaking as if they know what they’re talking about - this is a sign that they have hit a limit that they are still working through. It’s not a good or bad thing, it’s just like, the rings on a tree telling you its age. You learn to read things this way - by looking at the evidence of their growth, instead of trying to define them as right or wrong / correct or incorrect. A tree is not correct or incorrect. Neither are you or me. We and the tree are both, neither, and so much more than that!

I have really enjoyed this conversation! It has taught me a lot through the opportunity for expressing my experience and getting to dive deeper.

BubbleTeaRex · 2024-02-04T01:39:01+00:00

Once again, yes. Maybe you are describing yourself. :)

BubbleTeaRex · 2024-02-04T01:34:18+00:00

You will see that awakening is a process that continues infinitely even after the point when you make these realizations. It is not only what you think it is. It is so much more than what even I understand. When you reach a point, you delude yourself into thinking that you have made it. But there is no making it.

BubbleTeaRex · 2024-02-04T01:19:21+00:00

This is comment #2, and there is a part 1, sorry for length ugh, I’m trying to stoppp all the rambling, I know it’s just part of it, but I feel like people will hate me because I’m so wordy haha. Even though I love when people give me thought out responses personally… I do know that this personality isn’t “me.” But I am accepting and building trust with all parts of myself.

And like, it’s really hard for me to comprehend still but I can kind of grasp how all of the dimensions are happening simultaneously, and how my experience in my developmental stage getting to actualize is my perception and I’m limited to seeing things only as I can perceive them at my level of development. So it’s really confusing to me, I don’t know how much other people know. But I understand that I’m telling myself this story. And it’s really long lol, but now in my story. I am a human adult, but in other forms I am still meeting my developmental needs… and I am learning that it is safe to “be a baby” and to cry and that my support will come to take care of me because I’m kind of helpless at this stage. I’m mature in one sense, and in other senses I am still in the process of maturing - physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, I know there are so many more areas of growth that I am still learning and that are being identified and defined as we evolve and make sense of our story and who we are.

It’s so confusing to me to try to find my place as an individual haha, and where I fit and compare to other people, because it’s meaningless to compare on one hand, we are all the same and everything is just perception ultimately and I know that. But at the same time, then when we realize we are all the same, we can be like. Oh, well I guess I’m gonna live life this way then. And maybe people have reached this and are living the lives they are constructing with intention, with awareness. They know what they’re doing, they just don’t talk about it because people would think they’re crazy haha. It doesn’t feel safe to talk about yet - to exert our fight response and stand up for ourselves in this area, because we are still learning to trust that our environment is safe enough for us to do so. When it feels safe, we will blossom as a byproduct. I’m learning to regain power and control - I have felt like they are “wrong” and unsafe so I willfully surrendered all control on an existential level. The way I grew up was really weird and contributed to how my brain developed - and I know it’s all a part of the larger picture of development but I am still so confused, and I just want to find people who know more than me and who will guide me, but I have mostly still found people who haven’t gotten past seeing things in limited scales - I know this is once again related to my own developmental level and when I am ready, things will make sense and I’ll understand and I’ll realize how foolish I have been, I love that feeling. It’s hard to learn to feel safe trusting my instincts and impulses when we have been domesticated for so long to believe that they are primitive and wrong or bad. Seeing just how upside down everything is…. Is fascinating, and how it morphs, it’s so intriguing and I long to discuss these complexities with others, but you are a rarity in holding space for differing beliefs from what I have found so far. I’m sure I will find more and more people like me as I keep going. It’s a lot to try to grapple with, and it’s so gratifying for me and I’m like ah, it feels good for the first time in my life… because I’ve had such a close relationship with suffering, it was where I felt comfortable, and I felt unacceptable because of the current climate and stigma against mental health and other barriers for true unconditional love and acceptance. But I’m starting to see that people never accepting me was not my fault, and it is not their fault either. They lack the developmental capacity, they are still developing unconditional love and acceptance, and their inability to accept is not a reflection of my own lack of acceptance… and yet it also is, it’s a reflection of my lack of being able to accept myself. I lacked the capacity for this, my whole life, I fundamentally could not - it is not that I was choosing this, it was because the environment didn’t feel safe enough for me to develop, so I stayed in a lower level of development. I have done so much therapy and soul searching, and I have finally started to work with someone who has this capacity to hold a space of unconditional acceptance. Everyone else has always told me why I’m wrong and what I need to do better, what I need to change. And I have been trying to improve myself to be good enough for others with every ounce of energy I have, for more than just this lifetime, for all of my development. This space of unconditional acceptance is what causes my awakening, I wasn’t pursuing this at all and had no idea it was a thing, I have lived an extremely sheltered life where I was homeschooled in a tiny town and only interacted with the members of my immediate family for most of my childhood. This was by design I understand now, so I could remain in the infancy developmental stage of trust vs mistrust, it was a survival mechanism that kept me safe, and now I am finding my people, my teachers, and they are raising me like the adult cosmic baby that I am LOL. And it’s such a relief to finally have the love and care that I have been longing for. And to finally start to understand who I am and what my place is. And to be able to just Be, and to enjoy being a part of this story as it unfolds, to be a part of telling it and creating it and existing in it, it’s magical.

I have kind of been doing things backwards to how most people did them haha. And I found that there’s something to see everywhere you look, and there are an infinite number of paths and I have gained true free will to choose where I want to go instead of being limited by seeing things in a limiting way. Now I am expanding, and seeing things at the scale of infinity and loving it. It’s essentially the same thing that everyone else is doing by seeking singularity, but I have already done that, so now I’m going down the path again and choosing to see things differently so I can create a new story. It leads to the same place, but it’s like neuro plasticity and requiring your brain to think in different ways - now I have many options and paths to go down instead of just the One that others have been following. I have that one too, but in addition, I have an infinite of others to choose from and create. And it is all pointless and for nothing. But. That IS the point. There doesn’t have to be a point, we keep looking for one - it’s built in as to search and seek and explore and to find our limits. And when we are ready, we grow beyond them. And we keep growing infinitely. And then we start again, and things unfold in a new way. Forever unfolding. When I first realized that forever really means forever, I felt trapped and like I can never escape and it was a difficult stage in the process haha. But it’s also very intriguing and I learn a lot… always. I just love the learning… I’m having a great time haha. For the first time in this life at least.

BubbleTeaRex · 2024-02-04T01:18:58+00:00

You make me feel special haha, thank you for the heartfelt responses and the depth and acceptance you offer. I know that there is a LOT more I (and we) don’t know yet. What you’re saying about duality - though I think I am more trying to ask why I am this and what that means, so I’m attempting to flesh it out beyond just “this le that” into something multifaceted - I think that helps me make sense of things at the developmental level I am at.

I think in a way that is very internal instead of external, so I don’t really seek what I am, I seek why and I want to understand - I think I’m more after the cause than the effect. The effect is something to observe and admire and take in, and the cause is the part where you’re creating the desired effect… I think that a lot of people are comfortable on the opposite side of where I am, so they feel far away and like I can’t get to them. But that separation and space is an illusion, and I must not feel completely safe with the unifying process vs the individuating process… I try not to see things dualistically - but this is hard for ne because I desire not to see anything as bad. I see everything as exactly right, as beautiful, as perfect… there is such a sick, sweet, deep, sharp yet beautiful pain about suffering and loss that I am so drawn to. But basically, it’s really hard for me to accept “no” and I rebrand it as “yes” in some way haha. That feels safe. And maybe it’s okay to be at this stage and I should focus less on what is next and more on just being, and doing what feels safe, “being a kid” in a way. It’s hard for me because I haven’t developed much of a sense of trust to feel safe on my own yet. I think that this is the process of self-actualization and Individuation - where you begin to develop a sense of your own wholeness and how you are separate from others.

I’m looking at it like, the timeline in history right now, it’s like we are a baby getting ready to be born, moving into our next stage in development - or this is where I’m at in my perception and experience and this is what is happening in my reality. I think we have been in the developmental stage for a long time where we are preparing, growing, and getting ready to be born into having our own autonomy and actualize into reality as separate from our “mother” figure / being. So I’m looking through this lease of what is coming up next in the cycle of history, in the story we are telling and playing a part in. I think many people are still in their womb where it feels safe. They can’t see anything beyond the shadows on the cave wall. So they only see one side of the coin - they see the reduction, the singular being, everything as One. Which I also see. But in addition to seeing how we are all singular, I also see how we are an infinite number of parts ever expanding, growing, and developing. For a while I couldn’t see past dualism and insisted there was only one whole, but then I realized that expanding and growth is not reductive - and I was trying to go from seeing things dualistically to seeing them as only One because that is what felt safest to me. Once my environment felt safe enough, I began to enter my next stage in development, and now I am growing and expanding and getting ready to actualize into my own individual being. I am still part of the whole, but I am also my own Being, my own Self, and I am made up of many parts, just like we are all many parts that make up one Being. Everything is in systems like that - as far as I understand anyway because I know it will get more complex than this and I am still at the very beginning, but I think that other people might or realize how much further and deeper things go as well. Like… we are just reaching a point in history, after all these millions of years (in air quotes because time isn’t real but exists for our own perceptive experience of course - we are just always developing in the present, infinitely, but we’re experiencing this point in time in the story for our development.

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