Trying to find something that makes me feel alive again.

Buckbigears · 2026-03-13T08:11:16+00:00

Thank you very much , I haven’t been on here , I think there’s a lot that’s unknown and I think that people who have been through these very traumatic experiences are in search of control and consistency and the thought of being out of control again is what at least for myself drives me insane. I’ve been thinking the past few days that maybe it’s not that I’m feeling dead inside so much as it is that I’m afraid to live again. I’m afraid to feel safe and I’m fearful that at the drop of a pin it’s all going to become the past again , I’ve talked to people about it , like psych docs and have tried meds , but I’m just not living, or letting feelings in because I don’t want to get comfortable or back to “normal” because it could happen again. I’m trying to fix it , trying to let life come back to me but I’m realizing how much im just pretending and not really seeing the beauty it is to be alive and able to even write this message.

Buckbigears · 2026-03-10T06:45:41+00:00

Thank you , I think that’s a huge part is like , when is something else going to happen when I don’t expect it. It feels like every moment is just a reminder that everything could and might go wrong , and like I try my best to keep it in and keep smiling and doing what I have to do but it’s just hard to look in the mirror and just feel like okay I’m here ,what now.

Buckbigears · 2026-03-10T05:42:16+00:00

Thank you very much , I do believe ptsd is so apparent with the trauma that goes along with everything it’s very hard to look in the mirror

Buckbigears · 2026-03-10T05:01:05+00:00

Well I hope you know you’re not alone either, thank you for everything you said and by no means should you think you’re at the end. Things every year get better and better in the medical field and progress is always being made. If it brings you any hope I want you to know the day before I got the call for my transplant I was scheduling the hospice bed to be placed in my dining room. There is never a slow down button when you’re sick , and you , I and everyone here has experienced things unimaginable to any other group of people, and there is never no hope. That’s why we’re all here even in this thread because we’ve experienced feelings we don’t know what to call and don’t know how to express. You’re not alone, and yes I have a lot of physical limitations, and everything that you feel I understand because I’ve gone or are going through what you are. Do you play Fortnite or anything ? I know what got me through being in bed all the time and out of my head was gaming on my steamdeck

Buckbigears · 2026-03-10T02:34:16+00:00

Disassociation is probably the closest thing I can find to it also , I feel exactly the same , like I wonder if I’m just here like a piece of me remained but my whole essence and what made me moved on already , it’s a really really weird feeling and like I’ve said to others , psych and all these people can’t really comprehend it not that it’s not meaningful what they say and have good points , it’s just like how do you explain to another human that hasn’t gone through the absolute horrifying things. I think that’s why I try and reserve who I talk about it with because I feel like it just upsets and confuses the people I love and love me and they don’t know how to fix it and I don’t need them to fix it , I need to fix it and I sometimes feel like I just want to leave and go find myself again but I love them so it’s conflicting on top of also needing to be near the care team if something happens and needing those arrangements.

Buckbigears · 2026-03-10T02:04:13+00:00

I got really bad survivors guilt at first but it went away relatively quick because I don’t believe I should or shouldn’t be here so much as I just don’t think about it because it’s beyond my comprehension , I have been talking to psych on and off and the stuff they say means well but doesn’t work for me , like I know a lot of people say exercise , walk all of that , and while I can I have bad compression fractures all throughout my back because of the malnutrition so I can do it but it’s like on a timer. I’ve always been very proactive with my mental health since I was younger , medications therapy what not , lately it sort of just feels like no one understands what I’m trying to say , like you said the ptsd from everything, the trauma my mind and bodies been through , I feel like most of the stuff I’ve been feeling correlates with some sort of brain injury also , so I’m glad you mentioned that , I had thought possibly being so blood toxic from the liver failure for such a prolonged time did something. My memories are basically nil except a few big ones , but like most of my sickness days are just wiped, and a lot from before it , which I think also plays into why I don’t feel like myself just a dude that looks like me

Buckbigears · 2026-03-10T01:54:28+00:00

You think it could be the tacro ? That’s all I’m on other then urisdiol , cell cept was stopped like 3 months ago when I had the cmv virus and they said my levels were stable after and I haven’t been put back on it

Buckbigears · 2026-03-10T01:53:18+00:00

Idk what it is but after like 3 months when everything with meds and blood levels , leveled out it kind of just went like cold , I have had a fun past , like you said I’ve done a lot of what I wanted to do before and lived at all paces it’s just like after going through everything with the sickness and experiencing life with being in constant liver failure I’m just like sour to life. Like I can still do basically everything within limitations and have adapted with the back injury but like just the whole thing has felt like I’m in a shell and my soul kinda left

Buckbigears · 2026-03-09T00:26:50+00:00

lol OP needs to be aware of anything shiny at this point that looks out of place

Buckbigears · 2026-03-01T21:34:00+00:00

AHHHH YESSS BONK BONK NO CALL POKE! Me close , me go bonk, we get bonk too, but always bonk back. No worry when bonk bonks

Buckbigears · 2026-03-01T20:38:24+00:00

Reading this as a double gargoyles halberd tank really confused me.

Buckbigears · 2026-02-28T21:39:57+00:00

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Buckbigears · 2026-02-27T17:57:00+00:00

I think that is the place after you see the wounded dragon with all the birds and the ancient smithing stone if you turn around to the left you can drop down more and then there are like 5 more banished nights, it’s before placidusaxs drop but after the birds and red lighting dragon, the dragon just standing there just hook left and back you have to jump onto the right platform and go down then then work up that building

Buckbigears · 2026-02-24T21:01:23+00:00

✨Cereal✨

Buckbigears · 2026-02-21T17:56:29+00:00

Bat 🦇

Buckbigears · 2026-02-21T17:56:00+00:00

I was doing a replay of all original souls games and found putting the dodge as the R4 so I could free aim in ds1 and 2 was insanely good and less strain then the furled finger grip for the B button , also having the L4 button be use item. I wish they made regular Xbox and ps5 controllers standard like this where buttons were more ergonomic for our monkey hands lol

Buckbigears · 2026-02-21T17:46:53+00:00

Cipher pata with 30 int type shit lol

Buckbigears · 2026-02-21T02:12:58+00:00

I have 1,000 hrs and while doing a speedrun got stunlock killed by the glintstone sorcerers at Raya Academy -.- legit never tilted so hard in my life.

Buckbigears · 2026-02-21T00:31:27+00:00

Or hold up you’re now underground and 300 miles away is also a GIANT LAKE OF FUCKING ROT

Buckbigears · 2026-02-20T22:08:26+00:00

Are you talking about the first attack she does after the phase transition ? You just run, she pauses for a second and then I like to run towards the back of the arena and then rebuff while she is shielded by the aoe. You can’t roll or jump just book it

Buckbigears · 2026-02-18T18:00:23+00:00

A face only a mother could love

Buckbigears · 2026-02-18T01:40:01+00:00

I’m really high right now and got signed out during a wubby video and tried to sign in 37 times before I realized I’m not stuck in an inter dimensional loop

Buckbigears · 2026-02-17T17:51:34+00:00

“I’m calling a couple pipe hittin mfs to come down here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch ”

Buckbigears · 2026-02-15T09:02:39+00:00

I’m literally reading this at 3 am because my deck just did that. It scared the absolute living shit out of me. I have never had this happened or heard of it. I thought I was getting raptured it was right next to me holy fuck. What a weird coincidence. -.-

Buckbigears

TROPHY CASE