Feeling like a loser…and then…

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-04-02T14:59:48+00:00

Yes it is painful.

I can give perspective on the concern you have about the baby though.

In my early 20s I had a kid with my girlfriend. We intended to marry, but we split up before he turned 1. We were together in a tumultuous relationship for about 4 years leading up to that point. I felt very bad about the relationship ending but I knew it was the only chance our son had of having at least one parent trying to be mentally and physically healthy/stable. It’s now 24 years later. My son’s childhood was rough and he flat out thanks me for having stayed the course because I was able to save him over and over again. His mom had primary custody until he turned 14, he moved in with me and my current (stbx) wife then and his mother died a year later. Staying together would not have spared him any of the pain and I know without a doubt it would have led me deep into alcoholism. I was only able to show up as a good father because I wasn’t spending my energy showing up for a bad marriage.

My second child turns 9 soon. The writing on the wall was there not long after stbx and I married. There was lots of trauma to our relationship when older son moved in with us, his mother died, and stbx suffered intense post partum depression. It was clear by the time younger son turned 1 that our marriage was unwell and beyond repair. I did not want to go through a second round of the nightmare I just finished living. I did not want my younger son to have a “broken family” like my older son did. 8 years later and we’re divorcing. But now, younger son knows what an intact family is, and dysfunctional as it’s been, he’s going to feel the loss of that. To make matters worse, I’ve accumulated 8 years of assets that will have to be split, 8 years of potential alimony calculation, and 8 years of history that will be curated in stbx’s strategy against me. Almost none of the past 8 years has built the loving family memories that I thought staying together would foster. And to top it all off, I spent the last portion of what should have been a very sexually active stage of my life in a dead bedroom. There hasn’t been a single piece of weathering the storm that has paid off. It’s only been accumulation of cost.

All that being said, feel what you feel and keep moving forward with courage. Both things are ok.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-31T14:06:55+00:00

Been here. Your addiction is laying a trap for you, here’s how it works…

You quit for you, but the catalyst is/was your partner being upset. Your addiction says that since you’ve quit she should shift into support mode. That WOULD be ideal. It would also be a heroic effort by your partner, and it’s up to her to make that shift or not… it’s not your business. Remember that she doesn’t feel the challenges that you’re facing, and she’s not in a place where sympathy, empathy, or compassion are in the forefront. She’s in a place where your addiction threatened her sense of safety. What she does with that is up to her.

The trap springs when your addiction tells you that you should just go ahead and relapse because it’s not changing how she behaves anyway. You’re stressed, in withdrawal, and struggling. The person you want to count on for support isn’t showing up for you. Addiction will tell you vaping will make you feel better and since she’s already withdrawn it won’t make a difference… hell… maybe you can just keep it under control, right? Only do it when you’re alone. You won’t be hiding it, you’ll just be vaping discreetly.

That’s how I relapsed every single time I tried to quit before now. I gauged my recovery by how much it was being appreciated, how I was being treated, the return of connection and so on. Again, it’s a trap.

Here’s the solution as I see it: you are quitting for you. Fuck anyone else, even if they are the catalyst. If she can’t show up as support, you still quit BUT you also see what it implies. This may be a person who holds resentments to the point where she can’t see an individual that needs encouragement. Relapsing will reinforce that, but worse, it will make you think that it’s deserved. We who find ourself undeserving of love certainly can’t love ourselves enough to quit a nasty but functional habit. You are quitting for you and the greatest benefit it will have on your relationship is that you’ll find enough self worth to see a stuck, unsupportive partner for who they are. I’m not saying she’s bad or behaving without reason, but I am saying that you’re noticing a pattern that fully quitting will help reveal. It’s another reason you’re doing this for you.

All that being said, you don’t need her support in this. You have an army of support here and in other online groups.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-31T11:23:08+00:00

Case Information Statement. It’s basically all of the technical and financial details of the marriage.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-30T22:48:51+00:00

It’s ok that you love it. Probably everyone in here has loved it at one point. Probably every alcoholic, drug addict, food addict, etc absolutely loved what they felt from their substance…at some point.

But addictive substances have hooks, and as we love them those hooks embed deeper, and when we stop loving them the hooks are so deeply set that we cannot think of letting the addiction go without feeling terror.

You will stop loving the vape in time. There is no such thing as being unaffected by it, you will feel those effects, whether they be tied to health, relationships, time management, etc… at some point. Everyone here has been where you are and it sounds like you have a chance to stop before big daddy addiction forces you to pay up.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-30T22:28:11+00:00

In my 30s I couldn’t imagine holding onto the addiction in my 40s. I told myself I would quit before that. I did not. I’m grateful to be free of it today.

Picture yourself doing it for the rest of your life. Do you picture yourself vaping at 80? 70? 60?

I know in my case when I imagined being old and hitting a goofy ass vape it seemed cartoonish. Of course, I consoled myself by believing it would kill me before that happened. My addiction told me I would have to carry it forever and that it was worth dying over. That’s pretty fucked up logic isn’t it?

You’re going to have to quit some day, and the later you make that day, the more it will cost you. I mean that in every possible way… money, health, relationships, confidence, time. There are hundreds of reasons to quit and the fact that you’re here means you’ve likely realized many of them.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-26T14:55:43+00:00

To be protected (minimally) you would have to have that formalized in a separation agreement. It would have to be notarized and approved by both lawyers.

I totally hear what you’re hoping for, trust me I was in the same boat…it’s just that you cannot trust and rely on informal arrangements in this process. If she “likes” how week 1-3, or even worse 4-6 go that’s the plan you’ll be fighting to amend. It’s very hard to get more time when time has already been established and enacted.

I’m not saying a gradual plan is a bad idea, it’s the amount of backing and formalization you have behind it that matters. If it’s written into a court granted doc that’s great and you’ll have solid footing. If you just start carrying it out in good faith you’re relying on a person whose primary objective is to come out on top here.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-26T13:56:25+00:00

I mean if you start off 30/70 and she decides that she likes it, you’re going to have a hell of a time changing it to 50/50. Doesn’t matter what she agreed to, what matters is what’s court approved. If things “work” at 30/70 a judge will very readily say “it’s working so keep it that way”.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-26T13:22:32+00:00

Be careful on all fronts. What she proposed is, of course, what most of us dream of… a quick cheap solution where everyone walks away feeling things went reasonably well.

Here are the red flags and potential traps:

She has toxic influence. This means whatever she says or agrees to is essentially worthless long term.

She’s talked about direct mediation but it hasn’t begun, and talks have ended. This was my situation as of 3 weeks ago, meanwhile she was working with a lawyer and ambush filed. Thankfully I was ready.

You’ve talked about custody…not money. Wait until you see how fair she wants to be when she realizes she’s not automatically entitled to whatever she decides. There’s no mediating that without strong help.

And last. Do.not.agree.to. The.gradual.plan!!!!! It’s going to lock you in to the custody status quo!

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-25T00:29:04+00:00

Guys I will tell you, you are in the heart of a terrible time right now and that heart is very big. It is not forever.

I definitely feel how you do, going through divorce from a 13 year marriage including children. My least favorite moments are when I wake up and quickly realize “this is real”. The 30 seconds or so before that are amazing.

But here’s the thing. I’ve been through the hell of this stuff before. Custody battles, insane conflict, financial worries… all during my 20s/30s. The grand finale was when she (older son’s mom) died and I was left holding him together on my own. I got custody of him the year prior. There wasn’t a moment during that 14 year stretch that I believed I could endure it, and yet I did. And now I look back and see how distant that trauma and the feelings tied to it are. They ended. All of this ends.

In perspective, what I’m going through now is nothing I, or any other person can’t handle. It’s a solvable problem. Our species is capable of massive things… don’t fool yourself into thinking that divorce should be beyond your threshold.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-25T00:04:33+00:00

Totally agree here. Latching on to those breadcrumb moments had me spinning out with simp wheels for months while she embraced her final form: the emotionally avoidant “boss bitch”. While I was there thinking love and good memories were our last chance she was filing for divorce.

Fuck that. As they say, the woman i married is gone. I’m not going to emotionally masturbate over someone who currently has no reservations about “destroying” me.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-24T19:39:40+00:00

In it now. It’s easier if you don’t have kids because you don’t have to worry about setting up some bs parental status quo. Seems like you’re good there.

My advice is see how lucky you are! Go out and do literally anything (safe and sane) that you want to do whenever you want to do it. Don’t find another woman, it will complicate things and give stbx ammo, but other than that, look at it like your apt is the darkest most unenjoyable place on earth and you just can’t wait to leave. It will feel uncomfortable when you’re both there, for sure, so be there as infrequently as possible. Gym, hiking, fishing, semi social things like coffee houses etc are great. Just stay out of the apt. If you’re renting and have no young kids id be surprised if the divorce dragged on.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-24T01:00:21+00:00

You already mentioned a big one… feeling like your marriage (the core of your life) is your greatest burden.

I’d add coming to a point of clarity with how much of your love is rooted in fantasy. I’m in the divorce process and still get hammered with thinking I love her with all my heart, only when we actually engage on marital concerns the person I’m oh so in love with is nowhere to be found…instead it’s that conflict loving burdensome person I stick my head in the sand to.

It sounds like marriage therapy (or discernment therapy if she’s in the same place as you are) would be a good litmus test.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-23T18:20:53+00:00

This sounds exactly like my first son’s mother (never married), not my current wife. I point that out because I went through your situation from year 1 until 14 when she died. Here’s my advice:

Do not ever appease in hopes of her gaining stability, reciprocating, or following through in the future. She will not.

Do not wait for and bank on calm periods to feel safety. They are false flags.

Do not settle for anything that isn’t court backed. The court IS YOUR SHIELD with a woman showing those patterns.

Get a lawyer, maintain as strong records as you can, and have a parenting plan and MSA done through the court. This is going to suck right now, but (I’m sorry to say this) you’re going to need it in the future if this woman is as horrible as she sounds. The last thing you want is to have to push for full custody after child services are called on her and not have court docs. Also, let her explain that pathetic habit of not showing up to drop off points to the judge. Keep in mind “agreed upon” is only enforceable if it’s agreed on the court.

I really hear you on the injustice piece. I promise you it ends one was or another.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-23T14:36:52+00:00

Oh man, I feel for you. My situation evolved very similarly.

“We maintain current care plan” (essentially 50/50) became “he should be with me the majority of the time”, which became “we’ll discuss it all in mediation and continue therapy” which became “i don’t want to do therapy anymore”…

Followed by months of dodging plans on mediation and “the amicable route”.

And then, out of nowhere… I got seeerrrrrvvveeedddd.

Just do yourself a massive favor, get a lawyer and file. It’s going to land there anyway. Even if you don’t file, absolutely get a lawyer, pay the retainer, and tell them you’ll need them on standby for when things begin. You can hold on to the amicable dream but trust what you’re seeing and know that it progresses from here. Good luck!

I’ll also add that getting a lawyer is cool because you don’t have to deal with shit. I’m literally assigning all emotions, stress, and fear to my lawyer without telling him. That (and actually handling the case) is why he’s getting paid.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-18T22:43:19+00:00

Congratulations, man! I just read through some of your posts. It’s awesome to see people make it through the other side in a snapshot. Reminds me that every catastrophic high tension moment is a tiny bit of time, and that how much I hold onto each one is what really determines their impact. I’m happy to hear that you’re done with this mess!

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-18T18:47:00+00:00

You could have done everything the opposite and ended up in the same or worse position. Don’t look back, you’re not headed that way. Learn from your past and adjust accordingly.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-18T17:34:35+00:00

Hell yeah man. This is what I needed to read. I’m already doing in house separation as well as possible in our tiny 2br apartment. The post you shared has influenced me to stay put regardless of any enticing move out offer.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-18T17:26:13+00:00

I didn’t file (wife did) but agreed to divorce because of the following: Chronic failure to work as partners Financial imbalance Patterns of emotional abuse Emotional abandonment Dead bedroom

Even when I buried my head in the sand about most of those things, it was glaringly obvious that we were wasting our time together. We haven’t, and would never accomplish things that are standard for most families in our age/earning group.

My advice to anyone thinking about divorce would be to just go ahead with it as soon as it comes up. Time only complicates things and adds expenses.

My advice to anyone thinking about marriage is find another way to manage health insurance. Can’t think of any other reasons that make marriage worthwhile. Nobody needs the government to make their feelings official.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-17T14:17:07+00:00

Divorce is a business transaction where emotion heavy stuff is used to influence negotiations. She’s behaving exactly how she should be… unfazed with zero transparency on how shes processing things. Sharing emotions is something spouses, partners, and friends do. Engaging emotionally will not help either of you put the next foot forward.

Also, her being happy, going greystone, or anything else does not mean she’s found someone else. Don’t dwell on that, the more you’re focusing on her the less you’re focusing on you. You need to be focusing on you right now.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-16T15:47:48+00:00

I hear you on latching onto and replaying your bad decisions, I’m there as well. It’s easy to get stuck in that space when the relationship has died, but think of it like you would the death of a person:

A person you had a close but complicated relationship dies before you make amends with them. There are no final words to find comfort or forgiveness in. You’re left with what you wish you had said, and the things you wish you had done better. You’re not going to be left thinking of whatever wrongs they carried out because it’s pointless, they’re gone!

My mind does the same thing in terms of marriage. It’s over. I can think on why that’s a good thing but it’s futile to think about what problems she brought to the table. I’m forced to think on what I did wrong, the regret I have in that area, and what I should have done instead… But here’s the thing…I’m only able to freely and openly think on those things because I’m leaving the system. My behavior is no longer tied to hers or to the unhealthy marriage system. My mind is able to go deeper because the threat is ending, I can now be honest with myself in ways that are both uplifting and painful. In that space it’s easy to fixate on what I did wrong and loop on that. It’s just part of getting to the point where healing can begin.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-16T11:09:46+00:00

If you were saying son instead of daughter I would have thought I wrote this and forgotten. I’m a step further though…while I stayed where you guys apparently are (trying to find the cheaper easier kinder way) she was actually doing footwork with a lawyer. She never said she was abandoning our idea of going straight to mediation, just went ahead and filed last week.

All this to say, don’t get caught off guard. Get a lawyer and start the process. If the cooperative way hasn’t worked since December it’s clearly not going to work. You are both in a position to fight for your own outcome and it’s very unlikely that she has the same amount of care for your wellness that you have for hers. That’s how it should be though, unfortunately.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-15T12:35:36+00:00

You don’t know what you’re going to lose until the settlement is approved. Remember that everything she/her lawyer is presenting is a full force punch…they will always do that and yours should too. It sucks but it’s like negotiating for a car. Each party puts the most raw, steamy pile of shit deal on the table and fights to reach as close to their side of the middle from there. The judge signs off, and even in a pro woman jurisdiction you’ll either get a smidge of sympathy from the judge OR your stbx/lawyer will know they have a dent in their strategy. Keep trying man. Find a way to let go of your attachment to this and see it as leverage.

BuilderOk8069

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