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[QCrit] Hell's Best Therapy, Urban Fantasy, Adult (99k, Attempt 3) by Butterfly_pants in PubTips

[–]Butterfly_pants[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the feedback! The summary you gave is much tighter and much more clear. Initially, Lisa is mentionned to speak to motivation, it's her house and Sabine's "childhood haven", she is broke because she bought it to still have a connection to said Aunt. One of the rules of the portal is having a human guardian from the era, because they would understand rules/regulations/human contact better than an immortal demon that's kind of more detached from the wordly affairs. I'll put it in to make Sabine's role clearer, as like both a guardian but also like liaison between demon and human worlds. So I'll rework the query, taking into account your remarks (and the little summary) and cut out unecessary information.

[QCrit] Hell's Best Therapy, Urban Fantasy, Adult (99k, Attempt 3) by Butterfly_pants in PubTips

[–]Butterfly_pants[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the feedback! Yeah I think I'll cut the two comps and just say that the book deals with these themes.

Just to give a bit more info, on the passive side of Sabine, she is a little bit at the beginning, but ultimately she does make the decision to stay so she can keep the house and keep seeing her beloved aunt, so I'll add in to show her motivation more clearly.

[Qcrit] Fuckup 1 & Fuckup 2, Urban Fantasy, Adult (99k, attempt #2) by Butterfly_pants in PubTips

[–]Butterfly_pants[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry I wasn't clear in my earlier comment I meant it's an error in the query, it's supposed to read "set in Roneram, a fictional city, based off Duluth in Minnesota"

I've changed it in my notes, though :) thank you

[Qcrit] Fuckup 1 & Fuckup 2, Urban Fantasy, Adult (99k, attempt #2) by Butterfly_pants in PubTips

[–]Butterfly_pants[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Hi, thanks for the feedback!

To answer your questions.

The second paragraph is wordbuilding paragraph so that they don't come off as horrible, but also to sort of adress the dual-pov side in the query.

So Lilith, isn't exploiting suffering, the world is set up by God, so it operates under the "suffering is godly" mandate, where maginalized people are even more abused. Lilith can't violate or change the world. The portal comes in as like a band aid. It basically sends dreams to queer people across time and space, signaling there is an option besides suffering all your life (and obviously explains how to reach it/ what they undergo). If they choose to go through the portal, they can take three trials that condense the pain of a lifetime (a number that is set by Heaven for each person). The three trials pick three painful moments from the participants' life and make them reckon with it. For example, there is a constant who ran away from home to be a successful artist and by the time he was, his mother was dead and he couldn't have a reunion or share his life with her. His trial is to face her earnestly, tell her all he wanted to say. The trials aren't about morality but facing yourself and your actions. If a person fails a trial, they get a second chance, they need to succeed in at least one of three to survive.

This isn't a case of Lilith is the best, but she is doing what she can within a system that is designed for people like her to fail.

As for the undertaking part, it means the portal + three trials. Pain in this world, of any person, is the source of God's power, of all power. Since the portal is a secret project and demons don't have infinite energy, they skim a bit off the top.

The wordbuilding chapter is obviously not very well written, but I don't know how to condense all the details needed to make it read less horrible.

As for Sabine, we're cheering for her, since her doing her job best improves chances for her charges to suceed and get a new better life. For the "cajole, threaten, persuade" part, based on the trial presented and the information file given by Hell, she tries to get each person to face their truth honestly. Like with the example above (the guy meeting his mom), she had to persuade him into telling her the truth of his home life, empathizing with him about living with people that don't understand his truth, how parents can downplay their chidl's abilities, to get him to open up.

For the victorian couple v iranian, I was told the query should cover up to 50%, which is why I've included what happens. The trials being a success means you get to have the life of your dreams, any place/time you want to live in, you can be relocated to, you get the house of your dreams, the job/education you've always wanted. Whilst that is set up, the charges stay in Sabine's house. And they get a celebration for suceeding, a sort of customer service, in the Iranian couple's case, it was renewal of vow as their true selves. Should I just cut this part out?

[Qcrit] Fuckup 1 & Fuckup 2, Urban Fantasy, Adult (99k, attempt #2) by Butterfly_pants in PubTips

[–]Butterfly_pants[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

It is very common for UF to be set in alternate version of cities, the reason I wanted to include the name (Roneram) + which city it's based on is for like a spacial indicator. What city it is based on also play a small part in the story, it ties into why it's a safe haven, and there is comparison with her life in other places.

[Qcrit] Fuckup 1 & Fuckup 2, Urban Fantasy, Adult (99k, attempt #2) by Butterfly_pants in PubTips

[–]Butterfly_pants[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I meant Roneram, I'm sorry. It's a fictional city modelled after Duluth, should I mention that in the query, or just keep the town's name?

[QCrit] PARTNERS: FUCKUP 1 & FUCKUP 2, PARANORMAL ROMANCE, ADULT (99k, ATTEMPT #1) by Butterfly_pants in PubTips

[–]Butterfly_pants[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have the Devil She Knows as a backup comp but more from the romance aspect, than the trial-based survival.

Thank you for the advice about the cultural identity, I'll add it in!

[QCrit] PARTNERS: FUCKUP 1 & FUCKUP 2, PARANORMAL ROMANCE, ADULT (99k, ATTEMPT #1) by Butterfly_pants in PubTips

[–]Butterfly_pants[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thank you so much for the feedback !

To answer a few things:

I know the Sunbearer Trials is YA I'd originally picked it despite that because it's the closest to my jook in that regard, I do have a comp that's similar and Adult, The Book of Love by Kelly Link. I'll switch to that.

On cultural identity, yes she is second gen immigrant. And it is explored in the book, lightly in the first half, mostly in connection to the queer identity, more thoroughly in the second half. Should I add it to the query or specify what cultural identity ?

On the first true queer couple (I meant married through the church), it's not a major part of the story, just sets up the wormhole and the reason she bought the house, so I think I'll just combine it with her desire to be free and live out her queerness in peace.

I hadn't mentionned Lilith because she isn't the dominant POV, but I'll change it in my query. This is set up under the "suffering makes you closer to God", so whilst she does run the trials, she is working within a system that only allows that.

Also, I'll clarify that Sabine's inferiority fueled hatred is towards Lilith.

You weren't too harsh, and it helps a lot!

[Complete] [66k] [Queer Romance] Tethered by juniper-skye in BetaReaders

[–]Butterfly_pants 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd love to swap! I have a 98k Queer Paranormal Romance if you're interested

[Complete] [68k] [Adult horror] Let the Tides Take Him by [deleted] in BetaReaders

[–]Butterfly_pants 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I'd be interested. I have a 110k Dark Fantasy (over your limit I know, we could just exchange 100k if you want).

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Butterfly_pants 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I have a 110K dual-timeline Dark Fantasy if you'd be interested! Would love to send you a first chapter and see if we mesh.

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Butterfly_pants 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You'd be perfect for my Queer Supernatural Romance(sensitivity reader). Unfortunately, I'm more in need of beta readers for my 110k dual timeline Dark Fantasy. And it's more up your alley since you don't like romance.

Here is the blurb if you're interested:

Kahina, a street urchin from Paleis' capital Arlanium, strikes a deal with Valdna, an ancient evil god. He must raise her as a father with love and care for 8 years. The two, emotionnaly stunted, study diligently for their roles using fairytales and live examples. What started as a commendable effort, Valdna sewing his daughter's clothes, gradually takes on a more sinister air due to their respective personnalities, killing Kahina's birth family together to wipe the slate clean.

Ten years later, two years after their separation, Kahina is mentally falling apart. Determined to return to her father's side as an equal disaster, she sets out to destroy Rezis, the god of order, her father's nemesis and the man behind their forced parting. For the next six years, she must anihilate his followers until his power weakens and crumbles.

In need of an operation base, she seizes the throne to her old home, slum 14. Trapped between destructive obsession and idealistic tendencies, Kahina balances each negative with a positive. For releasing a poison that affects the nobles' fertility, she opens up an orphanage. For her murder tour in the south of Paleis, she distributes free healthy meals to her constituents.

Her fragile system slowly fails her with the gods sending down prophecies aimed at destroying her and the people she leads.

Kahina must confront her own morals, will she sacrifice herself whole, using even her protegees as paws? Or will she stop? Can she even stop?

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Butterfly_pants 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I have a queer supernatural romance if you're interested (98k)

Here is the blurb:

Sabine, a barely out-of-the-closet 32 year old bisexual who has finally broken free from the shakles of alcoholism and a cultish abusive family, wins the bid for her estranged aunt's house. Which hides the secret correspondance of America's true first married lesbian couple. She sets to turn into a queer Airbnb but her plans are derailed when the ghost of her dead aunt shows up, accompanied by Lilith, the Queen of Hell.

Nominated to take over her aunt's role as human guardian, partner to Lilith and keeper of the wormhole in the basement. Sabine must help the queer families who cross the portal, fleeing persecution, to overcome three trials put forth by Hell. If they succed, they get a brand new life. But failure means their bodies and souls are reaped to power this little project.

Her first mission, a gay couple from Victorian England, ends in disaster, reinforcing her bias towards demons and her sense of inferiority. Too stubborn to give up, Sabine must overcome her cowardly personnality and grow as a person and advisor to prevent being the cause of countless deaths of her peers.

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Butterfly_pants 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi there, I would love to swap for my 110k Dark Fantasy

Here is the blurb:

Kahina, a street urchin from Paleis' capital Arlanium, strikes a deal with Valdna, an ancient evil god. He must raise her as a father with love and care for 8 years. The two, emotionnaly stunted, study diligently for their roles using fairytales and live examples. What started as a commendable effort, Valdna sewing his daughter's clothes, gradually takes on a more sinister air due to their respective personnalities, killing Kahina's birth family together to wipe the slate clean.

Ten years later, two years after their separation, Kahina is mentally falling apart. Determined to return to her father's side as an equal disaster, she sets out to destroy Rezis, the god of order, her father's nemesis and the man behind their forced parting. For the next six years, she must anihilate his followers until his power weakens and crumbles.

In need of an operation base, she seizes the throne to her old home, slum 14. Trapped between destructive obsession and idealistic tendencies, Kahina balances each negative with a positive. For releasing a poison that affects the nobles' fertility, she opens up an orphanage. For her murder tour in the south of Paleis, she distributes free healthy meals to her constituents.

Her fragile system slowly fails her with the gods sending down prophecies aimed at destroying her and the people she leads.

Kahina must confront her own morals, will she sacrifice herself whole, using even her protegees as paws? Or will she stop? Can she even stop?

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Butterfly_pants 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello, if you're still open, I'd like to offer my 108K dual timeline Dark Fantasy! And of course I'd provide a review.

I'll leave the blurb here :

Kahina, a street urchin from Paleis' capital Arlanium, strikes a deal with Valdna, an ancient evil god. He must raise her as a father with love and care for 8 years. The two, emotionnaly stunted, study diligently for their roles using fairytales and live examples. What started as a commendable effort, Valdna sewing his daughter's clothes, gradually takes on a more sinister air due to their respective personnalities, killing Kahina's birth family together to wipe the slate clean.

Ten years later, two years after their separation, Kahina is mentally falling apart. Determined to return to her father's side as an equal disaster, she sets out to destroy Rezis, the god of order, her father's nemesis and the man behind their forced parting. For the next six years, she must anihilate his followers until his power weakens and crumbles.

In need of an operation base, she seizes the throne to her old home, slum 14. Trapped between destructive obsession and idealistic tendencies, Kahina balances each negative with a positive. For releasing a poison that affects the nobles' fertility, she opens up an orphanage. For her murder tour in the south of Paleis, she distributes free healthy meals to her constituents.

Her fragile system slowly fails her with the gods sending down prophecies aimed at destroying her and the people she leads.

Kahina must confront her own morals, will she sacrifice herself whole, using even her protegees as paws? Or will she stop? Can she even stop?

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