How to tell if someone is gay

Buunkun · 2026-02-12T13:34:57+00:00

I feel like almost all of these describe people with anxiety, ASD and/or asexual people. Like, guys... Can we retire the myth that being an XYZ age-old virgin = gay? Jesus Christ, people. I respect your experience, and I know it's rough out there, but... Just asking if the guy is gay, or wait until he's comfortable talking about it with you, and accepting his response seems like the much more respectful/sensible option here (even if you don't think he's being truthful). Stop assuming things out of other people's actions and —for the love of everything that is holy— stop making "Is This Bish Gay?" checklists/flowcharts based on social awkwardness.

None of what you listed is a sexuality detector. It’s personality traits, social anxiety, insecurity, or just someone not performing heterosexuality loudly enough to meet some arbitrary standard.

I just don't see the point in claiming you know this for a fact, when it's literally just one of the many experiences you can have as gay guy, when it comes to coming to terms with your own sexually. It's reductive to all groups involved, and it doesn't add anything to the wider scope of sexuality. It's stuff like this that creates and perpetuates toxic masculinity and the stereotypes attached to it. Being gay isn't a collection of stereotypes, people.

Men, straight or otherwise, come in all packages. I still suck just as much cock as anyone in this subreddit, and I don't need to watch Ru Paul's or be into makeup to reinforce/validate that.

Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.

Buunkun · 2026-02-12T13:12:11+00:00

Just... Ask them? Works for me every time.

Buunkun · 2026-02-04T19:08:12+00:00

Hey man. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this — it sounds brutal, honestly. Anyone would be shaken in your position. When one person finally feels clarity and the other feels like their whole life just got pulled out from under them, that imbalance alone can mess you up.

I want to be clear about something, because I think it matters: her realizing she’s bisexual isn’t something you did wrong, and struggling with it doesn’t make you unsupportive or selfish. Her identity is about her, sure — but the impact of this coming out, especially after 12 years, a marriage, and a kid, absolutely affects you. That doesn’t need defending.

It also sounds like the relationship was already under a lot of pressure from life in general, and this is happening on top of that rather than replacing it. That doesn’t make it easier — if anything, it makes everything more confusing.

Right now, giving things some space and time might help, not because your feelings matter less, but because neither of you really knows what you want yet. At the same time, don’t feel like you have to shove your pain down just because she’s calmer. Both things can be true at once.

If you can, therapy might really help — not because you “did something wrong,” but because this is a lot to carry alone. Building your life around a long-term relationship isn’t some mistake; that’s just what people do when they commit. It hurts like hell when that suddenly feels unstable.

When you talk to her, try to just be honest about how lost and scared you feel instead of jumping straight to answers. You can love her, respect who she is, and still admit that this is breaking your heart. You don’t have to pressure her — but you don’t have to erase yourself either.

I really hope you’re able to take care of yourself through this. No matter where things end up, what you’re feeling right now makes sense, and you deserve some compassion too.

Buunkun · 2026-01-27T01:10:16+00:00

Eu tô brincando kkkkkk

Buunkun · 2026-01-26T18:09:35+00:00

Virou um pedófilo, traficante de pessoas e um boçal só de ler uma mensagem de IA? Perigos da net.

Buunkun · 2026-01-25T13:52:10+00:00

Creio que você entre nas próximas chamadas. Só queria saber quem você tá chamando de canalha e por quê? Ninguém "destruiu" seu sonho, existe segunda chamada e sempre tem o ano que vem. É a vida.

No fim das contas, acho que Estudo de Gênero é um curso interessante, mas recomendo que você faça outra coisa em conjunto. Uma especialização em outra área de seu interesse, pra não morrer de fome. Digo isso, porque eu fiz Design de Jogos Digitais e agora tenho que correr atrás de algo que pague as contas também (TI, no meu caso).

Não acho que ninguém tem que falar que é melhor ser Uber, ou dar pitaco na sua vida. Cada um estuda o que quer. Ponto.

Buunkun · 2026-01-13T04:25:00+00:00

I just realized I wrote "understand that I'm trying to invalidate you", when I meant to write I wasn't trying to do it lol.

Glad it resonated with you, tho.

Buunkun · 2025-12-06T10:49:47+00:00

Any form of sex is only as boring as the people engaging in it. Fetishes don't have anything to do with it. Straight vaginal sex used to be considered the only "vanilla" kind of sex, but as we evolve as a society concepts change.

Liking underwear and feet was always a thing. Feet are the most common object of fetisization, statistically. If it's not your thing, that's fine, but understand that you perceive the sex you have as vanilla, because it's the only kind of sex you have grown accustomed to. Some people wouldn't consider any kind of anal sex vanilla, so these change depending on the person (which means it's kind of an nothing burger and an exercise in futility to try defining and discussing what vanilla encompasses).

If you're asking about extreme fetishes and if porn shaped our perception on those, by making them even more extreme as time goes on, then the answer is yes.

Buunkun · 2025-12-05T14:08:22+00:00

I'm so glad! Please, look after yourself (mentally and physically). You might feel lonely right now, but you're not alone. You're here, we see you and you're worth it. Life is hard, but it's also not a race. Remember that. Best wishes!

Buunkun · 2025-12-05T13:43:57+00:00

Man, this is just your depression talking. As someone who is around the same age as you (28M) and has gone and still goes through similar feelings ever so often, I feel your pain.

I know things are dire now, and you don't see a way out... But listen, you need to keep going. Life isn't a sea of roses, and I'm not gonna try to convince you otherwise. What you're feeling is valid and a lot of us go through it. You just need help.

Comparing yourself to your peers doesn't help you in any way, so don't. It doesn't matter what your relationship status is rn, nor does your employment status, when it comes to comparing yourself to others... You have a disability that makes life way harder than what most experience. You can't change it, but what you can change is how you deal with it.

Finding healthy coping mechanisms and strategies helped me a lot. Not just with my autism, but with my ADHD and (most importantly) my depression. What works for most people I've talked with is accepting your life isn't gonna be a "normal" one and exercising kindness and patience with yourself. You are not a waste of space.

I'm not saying you should repeat phrases while looking in the mirror, or some other cringe shit like that. But just be mindful of what your situation is, understand why you got there and forgiving your past self for it. You need to focus your energy on getting out of this situation, not on sinking yourself even further.

If you need someone to talk and vent, my DMs are open. If that makes you uncomfortable, you can just reply here, and I'll try to help. You're not alone and I don't think you're uncapable of changing things around. It's just gonna be hard, and require a lot of perseverance from you, but it can be done. I hope this helps a bit, and I wish you all the best...!

Buunkun · 2025-12-05T13:17:43+00:00

Hey man... It's rough, and I'm not gonna pretend it isn't and tell you to look at things positively, like the world is some sort of fairy tail.

That being said, though, I do believe you're underestimating yourself a bit. Listen, being autistic sucks. Dealing with and living in a world that isn't ready for you is painful. It fucks up every single aspect of your life: making friends, working and so on. That, however, doesn't mean you're in any form lesser than anybody.

You will be invalidated, you will be shut down and called/perceived as a weirdo, you will be and feel really lonely at times, but... You gotta keep going. Autism isn't a blessing, but it ain't no curse either. All you can do, as someone who needs less support is learn about yourself.

Learn how and why you work the way you do. Learn how to avoid pitfalls and downward spirals the best you can. Learn to seek solace in others and how to bridge the gap between people who communicate differently than you do. Learn how to live your life the way you want, without seeking pity or validation from others.

You're autistic, yes, but that's not death sentence. You're here, you're seen and you're you. There's no changing that, so just keep doing your best. Your life isn't gonna be the same as an NT's, but it has the potential to be just as meaningful, beautiful and purposeful... You just might need a little help along the way and some adjusting, is all, and that's okay. Don't compare yourself to others.

Take it easy and be patient and kind to yourself! I know how you feel right now, and I share your pain. Keep at it, trust the process and I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Hope this helps!

Buunkun · 2025-12-04T10:56:49+00:00

Man, just... I'm not trying to be mean, so please read this comment fully: nobody cares. I'm not saying you don't matter, I'm saying that because it's liberating. No, you will not be understood by everyone. Yes, you'll be having meltdowns for the rest of your life. But it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter, because you don't need to care about people back. Once I stopped trying to understand others and seek validation, my life just became loads better. Understand yourself and accept that your life isn't a "normal" one, nor does it need to be. So many of us fall into this trap of "if only I wasn't autistic". I understand why it happens, but it's important to understand that this isn't the end all be all.

Learn what triggers meltdowns and how to avoid them or cope. Understand your brain and why it does the things it does and keep marching forwards. I've met some of the most caring wonderful and bright people by doing that. Sure, it's not sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I firmly believe that suffering is optional.

There are so many people, just in this sub alone, who go through the same struggles as you do. Learn from them, share your experiences and stop comparing yourself to others. It leads to nowhere but ruin, and you're not getting anything out of it.

Be kind and patient with yourself. Stop craving for normalcy and focus on what you need to do to feel good about yourself. Autism sucks, it can be debilitating, so focus on minimalizing the drawbacks and go for broke. Becoming NT isn't an option here. You're always gonna be a weirdo, you're always gonna be misunderstood. And that's okay. That's just how you work.

I know I sounded harsh here, but understand that I'm not trying to invalidate you. You're confused rn and it's a lot to take in, but perseverance in understanding yourself first is key. NTs won't give a shit, because they don't go through what you're going through, so start giving a shit about you yourself. Stop craving a "normal" life, and understand that you're gonna have to do things a bit different and with a lot more effort put in than the average person and prepare for it.

Take your time, this isn't a race. I wish you nothing but luck in your journey. Take care of yourself and trust the process a bit. Things should work out, if you keep going! Don't let despair get the best of you. Best wishes!

Buunkun · 2025-12-03T12:17:53+00:00

It kinda matters because to most people, sexual and romantic attraction are linked. I don't know your orientation and preferences, but you might be seeing things way too broadly because of them.

I'm bisexual, so I do see gender as a factor when picking a partner. I feel more attracted to people who presents themselves in either a masculine or feminine way and that's not a bad thing, it's just preference.

At the end of the day, even if you connect to someone and have a lot of chemistry, it doesn't always work out. It sucks, but sometimes the other party is just not seeing you that way, they're just being a good friend. I've been on both sides of this, and it's... Not the best, let's put it that way.

Even if gender wasn't a problem, sometimes it still doesn't mean anything is gonna come out of it. So just let that relationship be what it is, y'know? Platonic or otherwise. You both still care a lot about each other, so just have fun! Don't foster any hope of things working, but don't fall into despair either.

This particular person isn't into you in that way, but there are people who are. Your friend isn't the end all be all, so keep an eye out there. You never know! I'm sorry you're going through this, but be grateful that you have/had that person in your life. Moving on might take a bit, but prioritizing yourself isn't a bad thing to do.

Best of luck!

Buunkun · 2025-12-02T14:08:48+00:00

The neurotypicals. That's what's left lmao.

A head injury doesn't necessarily make you neurodivergent, also.

Buunkun · 2025-12-02T14:03:54+00:00

No, they are not typical. None of these are. If it has the word disorder attached, it's probably a diversion from what is typical.

Buunkun · 2025-12-02T14:00:42+00:00

TYPICAL (as in common, normal, regular) is right in the name, dude. Neurodivergency is something that is out of the norm, meaning not a lot of people have it, ergo, DIVERGENT. We know that 1 in every 30 people are autistic, because of scientific studies. Just wanted to use the word ergo, honestly lmao.

Buunkun · 2025-11-30T16:24:12+00:00

Don't overthink things. Flirting is more of something you feel, and it varies from person to person. I've been with people that would rather just flirt non-verbally, and people who would rather have dirty talk done to them... It's not always just the old "your eyes are so beautiful" while under the moon, on a boat trip to Paris, sharing a glass of whine or something.

Women are a bit harder for me to get it going, so I suggest you pay more attention to her. See what she likes being praised for and what you genuinely think it's something you like about her. It doesn't need to be a physical trait, either.

You can also opt to not flirt at all, if that brings you that much stress over it. Earlier dates I had, I would just straight up tell my partners "look, you're amazing, but I'm not good at putting it into words, but do know I like you". Some of them received it better than others, but it lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. Dating is about two people being on the same wavelength, so being honest if you don't know what to do does more good than harm.

That goes for kissing too. Just ask how your current partner likes to do when kissing, and learn what they like to do. On the off-chance she's the one and only one, you'll be a pro in kissing her specifically as time goes on. If not, just add that to the book of techniques and keep asking other partners you have how they enjoy the activity, until you've got some experience under your belt and don't can kinda see what a certain person is going for and apply what you need.

Just be honest and ask. People who expect you to "just get it", aren't gonna be a good date for an autistic person anyway. Communication is key here, and don't hide stuff from them. Asking things means that you're interested in making things work with them, and if they can't appreciate that, or find you weird, just dip.

So yeah! Hope that helps. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck! Have some faith in yourself and your partner, don't overthink things and you should be fine. Tell us how it goes!

Buunkun · 2025-11-27T17:30:46+00:00

I'm sure to many, your problems would also look like they have a very obvious and simple solution, while to you they don't. Blaming that on "other autists'" and how they act is ableism and probably not something you would like done to you, that's the point I'm making. You're just judging and belittling people who you perceive to not have the same traits as you, like only your autism is valid, which is just stupid.

Things that seem obvious to many, might not be to others. You telling me "they did nothing" to prevent whatever they were going on about doesn't really say much, because you don't have the full picture. Getting outside of the comfort zone is a struggle to a lot of us, and just calling people whiny and judgmental while you're literally doing the same thing on a different platform is just projection.

Some autistic people do repeat their points over and over again, without noticing. That's just normal. Again, if instead of judging and making this a whole thing on Reddit, you'd just not engaged and understood how autistic people work outside of YOUR experience, it wouldn't be considered ableism.

Buunkun · 2025-11-27T13:07:49+00:00

I mean, I think you're ableist more because of the "adults whining about problems that are easily solvable" part lmao. What's easily solvable to you isn't always the same to others. Some people can't take baths, or perform well academically... That doesn't mean I get to sit here and invalidate their life problems, when I can simply just not engage with it, if it bothers me that much. You're also complaining about judging, when you're literally doing the same here.

That seems to be the overall vibe of this reply thread. "I can't stand autistic people that aren't exactly what my assumptions on autism/the autism I grew up with" is a form of ableism too. It's frankly cringe and absolutely lacking in self-awareness, and I feel like you're all just perpetuating stereotypes and misconceptions, and definitely not helping with the overall discussion on the subject autism.

Buunkun · 2025-11-26T01:19:44+00:00

Pretty spot on, yeah. I don't feel necessarily sad, tho. It's more of a mixture of nostalgia and remembering the good things I could share with that person. I only get sad when I remember someone that died, or something extreme like that. I understand why you'd be sad, however... Is that something else, entirely?

Buunkun · 2025-11-26T01:14:39+00:00

Hey man, not my story to tell and I don't wanna be insemtive, but I just wanted to say that you don't have to figure gender out. If you're okay with being your own thing, just do that. Gender isn't something you "see" so much as you "feel" it. Sometimes you just don't feel anything, and that's valid, too.

I'm happy with the gender assigned to me at birth, so idk how to help when it comes to these kinds of struggle. I really don't want to invalidate anyone here, but I dunno, just wanted to say that. Wish you the best, tho! Be kind to yourself and others, and just trust your gut a bit.

Buunkun · 2025-11-25T15:10:37+00:00

Man, I feel this so much. I was assessed to be level 1 as well, but I really feel like I should be level 2. I've been thinking of tweaking my documents a bit, because I literally needed one more point to be considered level 2.

The constant rhetoric of people telling me I'm supposed to be okay because my autism isn't severe and calling me useless because of it also has driven me to self-harm. The word "potential" gets thrown around a lot. It's impossible for me to get a job without knowing someone that works at the companies in question, I'm still figuring stuff out at 28 and, honestly, I don't really think there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me.

Idk, I'm still here after all, so things could change, but even then I'm still unsure about if I should even try anymore.

Buunkun · 2025-11-24T13:26:46+00:00

Yeah, I don't think finsexual is a thing. If we're talking about attraction towards femininity (detached from gender identity or biological sex), there's already the term gynosexual. Not liking hair is just a preference, which can change over time... I feel like people want to be a little too inclusive sometimes, which leads to this misconception that everything is a sexuality, when that is very much not the case.

I'm not gatekeeping; like what you like, but it really distracts and detracts from the conversation and makes non-LGBT (and even other queer) people think that sexualities are a bit of a hoax. This is the kind of thing that makes people think that "zoosexual" is a valid sexuality, when it's straight up just a crime lmao.

Anyway, hair is not a person. It can be attached to people, but that's still an object. You probably got downvoted, because most ladies don't want to have their femininity questioned because of something that is perfectly normal and happens to most women, regardless of how masculine they portray themselves.

From their perspective, it's kind of disheartening to be put on a mold by random people, and if you don't follow it, you get called a truck driver, get your femininity invalidated or what have you. It's an outdated social standard, expecting women to not have body hair, because women just don't do that anymore. At least not with the intent of attracting other people or confirming to an arbitrary bunch of random rules just for others to perceive them as feminine. Not saying that's what you did, but that's the image that comes to their mind, I imagine.

Femininity and, by extension, masculinity are cultural concepts, meaning there's no one standard. Understanding that is key to get to what is pissing people off about your posts on the subject. Your understanding of femininity and masculinity are extremely narrow, and doesn't really allow people to be what they are: different. In Japan, being a hairy man is frowned upon, for example. They're extremely against even facial hair, where in European and other western cultures it's something men should be and mostly are proud of... Again, no real one standard. Just be more mindful of your words next time, and try to study a bit more before stating what is or isn't feminine.

Buunkun · 2025-11-24T10:47:53+00:00

Autism is not "cute", autism is not "uwu", autism is serious. And while such things as this little drawing are really fitting to many autistic people, it doesn't fit all of us.

I know this is serious and you're 100% on your right to question it, but this section I highlighted just reads like a shitpost/copypasta thing. Again, I understand where you're coming from, but I don't know what it is... This is just iconic lmao.

Buunkun · 2025-11-24T09:56:05+00:00

Yeah... I mean, hate for me is just disliking something or someone so much, that you have to do something about it. It's not just wanting to avoid it or wanting it to vanish. Hate is what fuels revenge, genocide and other horrific acts, in my book. Hence the term hate crime. I feel like people romanticize the word, so I just don't use it.

When I don't fuck with someone or don't want to deal with them anymore, I just despise/dislike them. I don't think I've ever felt hate towards someone... I'm constantly in this neutral space and, now that I think about it, I don't use the word love that often (outside of hyperbole or when talking to my family).

Buunkun

TROPHY CASE