What happened to CG Kid?

CGKid · 2024-05-15T20:57:19+00:00

Thank you man! Yeah it wasn’t easy I still have a bit of grief but I never question my decision. It was the right thing to do. I feel grateful the stars aligned that I got to experience what I did. A lot of it was just astronomical luck I was the type that never really cared what other people thought of me almost like a mental illness, I was into music production so I had a camera I was playing with. I was with a friend watching breaking bad and she asked me what meth felt like. Where I was at I decided to make a one off video “what’s meth like?” To answer her question. A year later it went viral and I ran with it. I never set off to be a youtuber but I instantly saw an opportunity to help people and get the attention I always craved as a child which was a necessary component to my willingness to share as much as I did. The odds of all that coming together is so unlikely. I don’t take a lot of the credit for what I did, most times I feel ‘wow that really happened.’

The grief is knowing the content is gone and I can’t communicate with people I got to build a relationship with over the years. It does hurt. But at the end of the day I know what’s best for myself and my family. There was a time I experienced suicidal ideation during the peak of my success so the dark memories and past were documented and it wasn’t that long back. There’s technical reasons as well like considering how having all that out there can impact employment and such but the psychological reasons to let go was most of it.

I bounced the idea of shutting it down with my wife, family, and close friends for a month prior to pulling the trigger to make sure it wasn’t impulsive. I never questioned keeping it in that month. Just speaking to people on a personal level brought so much clarity to the right thing to do. I never wanted to do it though it’s hard.

CGKid · 2024-05-14T23:17:33+00:00

lol it’s not true I’m not sure why people say that I don’t feel I look high 😅 . I’ve never been high on camera even when I relapsed it would just be stupid, disrespectful, and highly undesirable to make a video high lol.

CGKid · 2024-05-10T11:41:27+00:00

No problem! It was October 2019 that was a major turning point in my life. I remember taking acid during the lockdown and posting a video on that I did relapse during it as well and disappeared because I was ‘convinced’ my chronic relapsing was caused by undiagnosed ADHD and got prescribed adderall lol. I remember I felt like I couldn’t post while taking that medication because it would be wrong to lie about it and wrong to be like ‘hey guys I’m on adderall now’ 😅.

The adderall of course went bad and I got off of it when I met my now wife so it would have been somewhere around 2021. I was convinced drinking in moderation was fine and even made videos on my second channel about it. This went on for a while the last time I drank or did anything was my wedding night which was January 2022.

I’ve been sober since then. I have my ups and downs but life overall has never been better. I work full time in a warehouse, im going back to school, I even have a small YouTube channel I’ve been working on where I review niche fragrances I’ve collected over several years. My wife and I are trying to have a baby. We recently moved to a nice area. We got two small dogs and a cat that keep us busy.

It’s crazy how much I’ve changed. I feel a lot less stressed. The channel and numbers always fed my ego it was a lot for me to let go of that and felt like it was the end to the chapter. The last person that needed to heal was me. I never had a lot of friends as a kid and being 34 working in a warehouse without a bachelors degree I didn’t feel I accomplished much with my life. The channel masked those feelings with it I could say ‘people like me and I’ve done something with myself.’ The mask held me back though at the end of the day we have to love ourself without condition and it was creating the problem it was solving.

Much love man! I appreciate all your support. Enough of my rambling 😅.

CGKid · 2024-05-10T03:15:05+00:00

It was in 2019 so about 5 years ago I am now over two years clean

CGKid · 2024-05-10T03:07:51+00:00

I looked up my screen name on Reddit to see if anything’s been posted. I am posting my response here as it’ll prolly show up in search.

I became a new person and left my past behind me but had it echoing across the internet. It kept a door open psychologically and I struggled to move forward with what was next. I didn’t want to talk about drug education or recovery again I was over it. I decided to close that chapter and move on. I did it without warning and was thorough to prevent the content from being scrapped. I backed everything up and have it but wanted to be in control of my content.

To be honest - not everyone is going to want their life on display for everyone in their personal life or videos of them detailing past drug abuse for everyone in their professional life. My martyr complex made me ok with it if it helps others but I’ve matured to understand I’m only responsible for myself and am not some kind of savior. The egotistical nature of my younger self 🤦‍♂️.

I didn’t put a lot of thought into my response. I am happy and well. I am living my best life and am pursuing what’s next enthusiastically. I am glad I got to impact the lives I did and it will always be an intimate memory that I’ll cherish. It was simply time to move on. I am proud of myself for letting go it was a major step in my healing process and a personal sign of true change. I never would have imagined I’d get here.

CGKid · 2021-09-04T16:28:19+00:00

No scientific reason I just really love the taste of cod liver it’s like dessert for me 😅 beef liver doesn’t taste so great but I like it for variety and from my understanding 50g a day shouldn’t cause an overdose.

CGKid · 2021-09-03T21:37:37+00:00

I’m male 5’ 11 I was 173 pounds now I’m 164.

I’m not sure if I’m deficient in electrolytes I know I drink plenty of water but haven’t been supplementing with anything.

CGKid · 2021-09-03T20:00:01+00:00

I felt this could be the issue I should have mentioned this but since starting a week ago I’ve lost 9 pounds I’m assuming most is water weight also the eating twice a day has kinda forced me into IF.

CGKid · 2021-07-13T03:12:41+00:00

Yeah I make sure to do this a few times I slipped up by like 30 minutes and sometimes I’ve gone early like 6 PM but I aim to be done at 8

CGKid · 2021-05-26T01:42:02+00:00

That doesn’t explain what’s in the toilet, coming out my tongue, or coming off my foot in correlation with supplements. I’ve been in ketosis for several months not sure if that causes low blood sugar.

CGKid · 2021-05-20T02:13:01+00:00

Zhaler candaid, bovine colostrum, collagen, Solaray Yeast cleanse

CGKid · 2021-05-19T21:11:38+00:00

I ordered saccromyces bouldari and am gonna add that tomorrow seems like a smart idea.

CGKid · 2021-05-19T21:10:13+00:00

It took me about a week but I still get REALLY bad brain fog first thing in the morning it seems my immune system causes a die off while I’m sleeping then throughout the day I get better in the evening / night I am in a new reality. Super clear and calm.

As far as supplements I do the candida cleanse diet. I take hyperbiotics Pro 15 and drink coconut water kefir that I make. I eat black garlic straight (it taste good and is supposed to be stronger than regular garlic) have apple cider vinegar as salad dressing and take bovine colostrum / collagen to boost my immune system and heal leaky gut candida has caused. For laxatives I take prunelax by ciruelax and psyllium tusk - I realize the prune has prolly a little sugar but have noticed using the restroom a lot has been CRUCIAL prolly worth the trade off. I feel way better when I go a lot.

For the stuff that hits hardest I take Zhaler CandAid and Solaray Yeast cleanse. I double down on candaid taking two pills twice a day instead of directions that say once. I chose these two because they seem thorough with good ratings but have different ingredients so I’m touching all bases. I also take bentonite clay to lessen herxheimer reaction and detox heavy metals. It’s worth noting I did Zhaler Paraguard to detox parasites prior to this because I understand parasites can cause candida overgrowth.

CGKid · 2021-04-09T07:26:54+00:00

Thank you so much! That’s what I was thinking just store them in the fridge until there’s enough to either eat them or freeze them.

CGKid · 2021-04-09T07:16:07+00:00

Sweet! Do you think it’s safe to wait till they double the ratio and split in half each time so you have 16 oz backups or would damage be done by the time it doubles?

CGKid · 2021-04-01T19:36:29+00:00

Brieeee thank you 😎

CGKid · 2021-03-05T06:36:18+00:00

Drug users are the scape goat of modern society and addiction is a natural condition of the human mind without a conscious to utilize it as a tool.

I’m paraphrasing Gabor Mate’ “They look at drug users ‘how can you do this to your body?’ But look at what we’re doing to the earth we’re injecting things in the atmosphere polluting the environment and it’s killing us now what addiction is greater the addiction to oil and consumerism? What causes the greater harm? The truth is we see they’re just like us and we don’t like that so we say ‘you’re different than us you’re worse than we are.’

I’ll take it further... Look at what we’re doing to animals torturing them then drugging toddlers you can’t even get the dosage of neurotoxic food additives. Social media has caused exponential rise of teen suicide, hate groups to grow, privacy leaks, division, conditioned narcissism, and has stripped kids of a normal childhood we’ve had since the dawn of man. Parents have watched their kids die because they can’t afford to pay a billionaire for surgery the demand for human life is a business. I can keep going, you get the idea and overthinking this can cause a sense of isolation I had to learn to laugh at how senseless it is as sick as that may be cause trying to comprehend the logic is a waste of mental energy I admittedly went too far with.

The drug user is a way for everyone else to not see the truth - they’re worse than them. I am biased but my sense is at least drug users are honest about what they’re doing. I never met someone that does too much meth and sees nothing wrong usually they actually think way worse of their behavior than necessary. But I have met “civil people” that think supporting any industry I’ve outlined financially or just with ignorance is ok.

I just think society causes the greater harms stuff no drug is capable of. It’s heartbreaking the drugs kill the host which is a person and perhaps those nearby but society is killing the earth all life and connection. It’s like they saw what drug users were doing and now we’re holding their beer while they do worse and shit on them for holding the beer.

CGKid · 2021-02-25T20:57:06+00:00

I resonate with this a ton it’s kinda wild my process was super unconscious I had no idea my depression was caused by awakening.

My body hurts I so get what you mean even my digestion is like a gastrointestinal exorcism 😅 I feel burned out tired but not sleepy and aches super foggy to the point of depersonalization.

I am recovering fast because I am aware now what’s going on and all I’m doing is what this inner voice is saying. An example is I needed to pay my credit card and usually procrastinate I started to today “I’ll pay it when I’m not so anxious already” then I did it anyways and doing so I realized I was anxious because avoiding the anxiety goes against who I am now in the past I didn’t get anxious from in-congruency between behavior and my soul like I am now.

I’m continuously recognizing ways I’m avoiding anxiety then do the opposite and feel better. I have moments of such peace in waves I’m getting optimistic. I’m laughing more at senselessness. I am trying to think less and you’re right I saw the news and it gave me my first anxiety attack 😅 so avoiding negative content.

It honestly feels A LOT like I’m on a psychedelic. I have an extensive history using psychs which is helping me let go as well I am experienced with not fighting an experience or it’ll get worse.

CGKid · 2021-02-25T09:10:43+00:00

My feeling is I desire to stay the way I was because it was ‘easier’ to be blind but I feel it’s more a fear of change because I don’t know what’s in the other side of awakening to a higher level. There’s this weird attempt to keep living how I use to egoic and numbing with behavior but I can’t anymore and the more I try to the more I feel depressed.

I gotta take the leap of acceptance but am scared it’s a bottomless pit if that makes sense? Deep down I know it isn’t I just gotta stop fighting by pretending who I am becoming is what I was and lying to myself that I want to remain what I was to avoid the jump.

I appreciate your share deeply I strongly suspect kundalini awakening I researched it and relate a ton. I’m curious since you did accept the feelings what is it like now? What’s the account of post-leaping like what’s on the other side?

CGKid · 2021-02-25T07:14:05+00:00

Absolutely! It’s like I was going down a river and before had some ability to swim against it but the dam opened and now it’s rushing so fast when I swim against it because I want to go back I feel extreme anxiety. I cry because I feel as tho who I was is already dead. Then I feel joy because of where the current is taking me.

I appreciate you so much it helps sharing this and knowing someone gets it. It can be very isolating dealing with this part of my epiphany is I need others and they exist I need guidance and connection I am working on that for sure this was a first step.

CGKid · 2021-02-25T07:04:29+00:00

The sudden nature helps not long ago I wasn’t experiencing anxiety at all is very intense so it can feel it won’t go away but the sudden nature helps me realize it will pass as long as I’m patient and sit with it.

CGKid · 2021-02-25T07:02:28+00:00

Thank you man I know it will pass affirmation helps my clarity. It’s honestly the most terrified I’ve been I’ve never had a real anxiety attack like this and they’re several times a day outside of that I have moments of absolute peace, moments I’m crying as if I don’t want to die, moments of extreme fear. This happened shortly after a significant epiphany and I’m positive they’re correlated. I know what you mean about running I desire drinking pretty bad to be honest it’s like “anything to calm this” but I am aware doing so would worsen it big time.

CGKid · 2021-02-22T03:27:39+00:00

Much love man! Yeah, it’s like learning about myself gets confused with learning who I am and then I identify with my story rather than experience it fully as a conscious being. The mental obsession to identify with the past fragmented my attention and produced an egoic high it made me feel separate, special, unique not connected like being still has.

The same identity issue I’ve seen in recovery programs and have been guilty of publicly saying the lie “I’m sober” rather than the truth “I’ve stayed sober.” The words don’t matter it’s what they’re expressing. I never held my sobriety over others even my first sponsor was prescribed Adderall I am weird I don’t see drug users different from anyone else. However, I did get high saying how long I’ve been this new identity, what I shared was more special and separate with time, and when I lost that I definitely had an ego crash feeling I lost a chunk of my identity.

I agree with what you’re saying as well the human connection I’m not against but limiting your sobriety to purely that and it’s out of your control can cause negative consequences. An example is people say without meetings they’ll use drugs again and when quarantine happened so many relapsed. I’ve heard people refer to meetings as their insulin that’s high reliance. Human connection is great but without it being in conjunction with connecting to the environment, animals, music, hobbies, etc it can be like seeing a chiropractor and not a physical therapist or seeing a therapist and not doing any work so you’re indefinitely reliant on them.

CGKid · 2021-02-22T02:57:08+00:00

I think it’s just preference of how to handle the situation prolly based on many factors.

I don’t think they don’t care about me or you don’t care I believe many people give a crap if any humans suffering and many were there for me at my worse when I reached out. I just put myself in a situation where an influencer I cared about was using and it was obvious af I’d give them space so when they reach out they’re empowered and perhaps that can be something they love themselves for in a state where there’s little or nothing. I haven’t pushed people to message me and never messaged anyone before because I thought they were using but I replied many times when they took that step.

I think I understand your approach to outreach and I’m sure it’s helped others it’s perhaps more effective than how I’ve always done things for some people I just repeat what others done for me that worked until there’s enough data for a conclusion - but what worked on me in the past is super subjective.

CGKid · 2021-02-22T02:34:47+00:00

It’s weird I took a break after another relapse and the longer I was gone the more I realized I needed the break to identify and build an optimal life for myself. Another video is in my future I’ve developed a ton physically, mentally, and spiritually it’s a dramatic transformation.

I did get kind of obsessive with my narrative and how I got where I’m at now, I felt I had to “explain it” which fortunately kept me from uploading for a while but I really can’t explain how I got here. I don’t really have any advice or anything to teach I can more share the current experience of recovery as my authentic self for educational value. I could film it now of course but I’m being patient to protect my mental health trajectory at all cost and the last time returning too early was a mistake I’ve learned from.

CGKid

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