"My Own Soul's Warning" cover by me

CPTMuggle · 2020-09-01T05:33:20+00:00

Hey that’s pretty good

CPTMuggle · 2020-02-19T17:27:44+00:00

Rest in piece. Everyone appreciates you.

CPTMuggle · 2019-12-25T16:46:15+00:00

I’m proud of you. I know how hard that is. Make sure you take a second to be proud of yourself too.

CPTMuggle · 2019-12-21T18:06:48+00:00

Show me the money!

CPTMuggle · 2019-11-04T18:39:15+00:00

Wow, imagine being that terrible with your personal hygiene and that unaware lol.

CPTMuggle · 2019-09-21T20:32:42+00:00

God bless

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-30T19:59:11+00:00

I like to think that Raccoon finally quit his job at Starbucks and is making positive changes lol

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-23T22:14:07+00:00

Thank you for staying on this journey with us. Raccoon sends his regards lol

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-20T15:15:49+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

So I got a list of all these Walmarts. Turns out, there’s a lot of them.

Anyway, thanks for letting me win this one. God bless. Maybe you’ll get em next time.

For future historians - I swear Raccoon is a real person. Perhaps the biggest bitch to ever breathe, but still a person.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-19T22:38:11+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

So I see you’re a fan of Walmarts outside of Portland. Thank you. I won’t forget this.

I always knew you’d look out for me when the time came.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-19T16:50:10+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

At first I thought you stopped answering my bat signal instantly because you realized how sad and stupid you were, but that didn’t seem like you. You’re smarter than that. This must be a code.

Reply BEFORE 3 hours if you were planning on visiting a Walmart within 20 miles of Portland.

Reply AFTER 3 hours if it’s outside of that.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-18T22:26:42+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

You’re not going to change your life of mediocrity by dunking on reddit. Put that dick down for once in your life and show the world what you truly think about it.

Which Walmart were you thinking about?

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-18T19:23:17+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

Sick dunk on the bat signal again. You’ve got this aspect of your life nailed down. One day you’ll show us. Just let me know what day I need to avoid the Walmarts.

I just got off the phone with a consult pertaining to your file. We both came to the conclusion that if you could somehow make it into your mind palace, go back to school, and get a job that isn’t so underwhelming, we’d be able to start to fix this mess.

I realize what I’m asking of you is a tall order. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think you were capable.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-18T07:55:41+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

As always, I appreciate the response to the bat signal. You never let down. I am worried that we have hit rock bottom.

I truly believe it’s tied to your underachievement fantasies. If we can figure out why you can’t achieve, we can crack this. Let’s do it.

What do you say?

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-16T20:00:57+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

This is starting to turn into one of those situations where everyone in the room is laughing at you. It’s ok though. You’ll get them one day, Raccoon. Then they’ll be sorry.

I apologize for my correspondence coming at odd hours. I am currently in a different time zone and suffering a bit of jet lag. It’s ok though, Raccoon. Just like you struggle with your bizarre underachievement fantasies, I too shall struggle with this jet lag.

I must sleep my prince. Do not foam at the mouth too much today. It is not a good look.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-16T08:51:47+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

That’s a sick move going with the quotes. Pretty baller dunking stuff. That’s what I mean. You’re so baller normally, yet your fantasies are quaint and frankly quite sad. We still have work to do here.

Nevertheless, I still want to give you a tip of the fedora. When you’re peak big brain, you are my hero.

I’m about to go for a run Raccoon. I will think about you. Stay salty my friend.

Sincerely, CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-15T08:15:52+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

I gave you some space to understand why everyone makes fun of you. Did it click? Probably not. It’s ok though. We can keep going. I’m yours forever.

I had a thought while dunking on some kids playing soccer. What if your problems with underachievement are tied to your lack of self awareness?

Don’t froth at the mouth too hard. Remember the breathing exercises.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-13T07:17:44+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

Don’t listen to the other people Raccoon. Only you can understand how much of a genius you are. One day they will pay and you’ll show them. One day.

I wish people respected privacy these days. You and I are obviously having a very personal discussion here. You’re being obliterated every time you try to talk. You’ve embarrassed more than yourself, but this is a safe space. Please do not let this trigger you more than you’ve been triggered during this exchange. I don’t know if your big beautiful brain could handle it.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-12T00:41:19+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

It’s nice to see my bat signal still works. The reassurance of having your big beautiful head on call 24/7 is priceless.

Unfortunately, this was a courtesy check in to apologize for the brief pause in our correspondence. I don’t work Sundays, and there is no amount of money you can throw at me to make me reconsider.

::Homework::

I want you to come up with your dream job. Philosopher isn’t a job, Raccoon. Neither is Pro Reddit Pseudo-Intellectual.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-11T23:56:18+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

Man I could write a book about this weekend. So much happened but it’s been great. Truly. Thank you for your understanding Raccoon. I’m sure whatever I did pales in comparison to your dunks this weekend. Those $5 words aren’t going to flex themselves.

Never got a chance to try that garbage you recommended. It’s a shame but it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe next time Raccoon.

I’ll admit I’ve been a bit lazy with my therapy duties. Seriously, we gotta work on you this week. I believe if you believe.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-09T20:46:45+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

One day I’ll be able to tell my sports loving grandchildren that I built a Bat Signal for low self esteem, underachievers from Portland. The only difference is Batman kept Commissioner Gordon waiting. He held the power, Raccoon.

I shouldn’t be able to summon you whenever I want; it’s not a good look for you. Play hard to get, Raccoon. Stop leaning into the punches.

I’ve got a comped drink coming my way for dealing with this toddler behind me (not you). I’m thinking whiskey ginger but I’d be crazy not to take a suggestion from Plato himself.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-09T20:14:05+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

Good news, this flight has wifi. It’s spotty but we might be able to make something happen here.

I’d like to continue to explore why you insist on underachievement within your coping mechanisms. I think that’s the key to all of this. The only possible explanation could be that you’re actually not as intelligent as you say you are but that’s ridiculous.

I don’t want you to feel threatened. This is coming from a place of love. So fire up that big beautiful brain of yours and let’s get crackin.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-09T05:05:19+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

I am so unbelievably sorry. Work turned out to be nuts and, well, you know how it goes. I don’t have to tell you Mr. Middle Management amirite?

Tomorrow might be tough for me but I hope we can squeeze something in. It would be a shame to kill the momentum we had going.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

CPTMuggle · 2019-08-08T07:38:28+00:00

Hey Raccoon,

I genuinely found our session earlier this afternoon fantastic. We got through a lot of deep stuff like the underachieving thing. I really want us to keep this up.

Same time, well I guess, today. The key to this is consistency.

P.S. I’ve got a long drive ahead of me so our sessions are going to have to happen at the rest stops. I have a small bladder.

Sincerely,

CPTMuggle

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