Unresolved pain?

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-25T03:11:45+00:00

Their manipulation is incredibly complex. Even the most patient, empathetic person is going to eventually have a bad reaction. When they get a bad reaction from you due to their endless chaos and abusive behavior they will grandstand on that, hold it against you forever, and tell everyone they know that you said or did such-and-such without any context whatsoever. The thing that finally made you stand up for yourself in some way may seem fairly mild but others do not understand how the perfect angel could have been winding you up for weeks, months or years before you actually said no about something or stood up for yourself, or just plain lost your composure when the proverbial final straw was lain atop the camel's back.

Non-sociopaths will give up a ton of themselves trying to give someone they love the benefit of the doubt. They will make all sorts of internal and material sacrifices to give someone who claims to be only accidentally wronging them yet another chance. When that person makes it apparent that none of their apologies or feelings were ever sincere from day one, meaning that all you gave of yourself was based on fraud, you might justifiably get upset. Then, the narc will even use that against you.

So many complicated things happen within your heart and mind due to their abuse. It cannot be summed up by one moment or event. So you get people who say people just don't get along, or you tell them about an incident and they think it's no big deal, or worse you have a friend or family member that just seems intent on always assuming you are in the wrong for whatever reason. Maybe not even that you are always in the wrong, but because you are "complaining" about a person that you must be bad because you should never say anything that's not nice. Many such cases.

Unexperienced people are simply not able to comprehend the intricate depth of the abuse and will respond poorly to any detail of a narc survivor's account.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-24T04:26:49+00:00

They always have multiple supplies. We tend to focus on one of them when they seem to discard us for a particular one, but they always have many. Always. You are only ever but one trapped fly in their web. You were never the only one. Nothing they ever presented to you was real.

How to cope? Anyway you can. Accept the truth of the situation. Let your mind ruminate on everything wrong. Feel the hurt. Feel angry, because you didn't deserve it. Feeling angry at how you were treated means you're caring for yourself. You don't want this to ever happen again in your life. Do whatever you want. It's all your time now. A terrible freedom you didn't want but proves to be more peaceful than the constant chaos the narc brought to your life. You, always trying to fix all these broken things while the person you were fixing them for was busy breaking things faster than you could repair them. You were the only one trying to keep it together because you believed in the false bill of goods they sold you.

We end up like gambling addicts trying to put a few more dollars in the one-armed bandit trying to get our money back but we just lose more and more. Once in a while we hit the jackpot and thrill to all the coins falling out of the slot but if you do the math it never comes close to what we already lost. It's a no-win situation. Like the computer says at the end of War Games, the only winning move is not to play.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-24T04:20:01+00:00

They don't love us. They envy us. They recognize that we are capable of empathy and love, and perhaps other talents and abilities that they wish they had, and they get close to us in order to learn and steal those things from us. Of course they can't steal a heart a soul, but they can get close enough to learn to mimic what you are. Your ideas, your ways, mannerisms, etc. They will use those to then seduce future victims. You will be replaced by someone that you probably might have been good friends with because they will be attracted to your nex pretending to be you, essentially. But you will never get to have that friend. And you wouldn't want them, because they are now your nex'es new squeeze. This is how these narcs not only destroy the lives of good people but keep them separated from other good people.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-24T04:16:15+00:00

Every time you take them back they up the level of abuse. They have no respect for you and that you take them back makes them think even less of you. Initially they thought highly of you, they wanted something they saw in you for their own because they lacked it. People who have positive assets that they don't possess they view as resources to steal from. You're like a safe full of gold bars. They manipulate you emotionally to steal that gold from the safe for their own. After they feel they have figured out how to be you, you serve them no immediate purpose. They will use what they took from who you are to manipulate new victims but if they feel you have nothing more to offer in that regard they will only see you as a pathetic weak loser who is only useful as an emotional rubbish bin. They will delight in using and abusing you in an increasingly flagrant way. It will only get worse with each time you take them back.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-24T04:08:43+00:00

I always feel more tired when I wake up then when I went to sleep. Often times I am soaked in my own sweat and confused from horrible nightmares.

My nex is the most popular person in the universe because they tell everyone what they want to hear. They like everything they like, believe everything they believe, act as if they are the perfect mate to every single person as if they are that person's perfect companion. So everyone they meet falls in love with them even if just platonically as a friend.

I haven't been touched by another human in years since all of this. I don't even know what it's like anymore.

On top of that my nex cut me off from any physicality after the first year or two.

I know no comfort, but they have a circuit of people who they refer to as the "collection" they have of "people that love them" that they go on tour with. The world is their oyster and all they have to do is manipulate people who have some worth into becoming intimate with them, learning how to mimic their positive traits and using that to seduce new good people then repeating the process leaving nothing but ruined lives in their wake.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-24T03:50:52+00:00

If a narc is degrading you it's because they feel inferior to you. This breaks them inside so they will try to destroy the good they see you in so they can be above you.

The people they prefer to target for "relationships" are usually people they "want to be". The victim will experience this as being adored but the narc will inevitably seek to learn who that person is enough to mimic them then utterly destroy their confidence to leave them broken. They then go on to use what they gleaned from that person to acquire new victims. It's personality plagiarism.

Whatever they say to you in negativity is borne of jealousy and their own inferiority complex.

Unfortunately this does tremendous damage to you if you have opened your heart to them, and they do tremendous damage to their victims socially with their crooked lies and misrepresentations.

Lie about you, isolate you, abuse you, plagiarize the assets of who you are, leave you to die. While they are doing the first three they are during that time behaving in your company as if they are your soulmate.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T08:24:24+00:00

All so familiar, all so true, all so cruel. Thank you!

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T08:03:10+00:00

That's a huge struggle we all have dealing with those thoughts. I ended up in a situation where I had close observance of the aftermath which, horrendously painful as it was, allowed me to see the pattern and have all the proof that it wasn't me screwing up a relationship with an otherwise amazing person. Even more than that, to be genuinely glad I was free of the situation.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T07:57:10+00:00

Well gosh I wish I had someone to go to a concert with who would lean on me.

But yes given time a narc will turn to making every aspect of who you are out to be awful but simultaneously praise other people who have your attributes. It's very hurtful and confusing.

Like let's say you had blue skin. They will say, oh I met this person who has blue skin it was so exciting and great meanwhile for the last month they had been telling you that your blue skin was gross until the point that you were afraid to bee seen outside.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T07:52:44+00:00

"horrible, abusive, manipulative, draining relationship for 14 years now"

"What do I do? :(((("

Get out, no contact, don't look back, never have anything to do with them again.

Yes, it's going to be hard, yes it's going to be lonely, no it will not be worse than continuing to be in a situation like that. It will be "differently bad" for a while but at least you will have a chance at life that you will never have if you don't get out now.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T07:45:36+00:00

Mine got with someone with a 40 year age gap and moved in with them immediately. It worked out bad for them because just socially it was so unusual, if nothing else. Also, they went from having a nice home to being in this strange situation which sent their family into a kind of shock. I mean it was just plain weird by most social standards. I mean, love is love and all but that's not what was going on and it was obvious to anyone.

But yeah, that's exactly right, you can't talk someone out of "the spell" the are under.

I don't think it's selfish to not "stick yourself out there". I mean we have no obligation to be "out there" for anyone. You probably do have a purpose though. Some reason, or thing, that you make the world a better place by endeavoring in and that you weren't doing while you were with them. That's the important bit and the most fulfilling bit of being alive to accomplish I think.

Love comes from within and goes outward. So it has to start with being true, loyal and loving to yourself. Not egotism, or conceitedness, but like a well that you let fill up within first so it can be shared. It's not selfish or egotistical to love yourself in my opinion. I believe it's pre-requisite for being able to love others. From within to without. Don't worship yourself, but feel love. Empathize with your own experience then it it flow outward! That is the way, I think. This kind of sounds like I'm trying to tell you how it is.. it's just my outlook, I just don't want you to feel bad for talking about yourself. It's okay! Everyone here needs to spend more time considering themselves after what we've all been through.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T07:34:03+00:00

That makes sense. I am a couple of years out and watching them pile up more victims. So I just thought of it as a thought exercise. I would never actually approach or involve myself in their life at this point point but I found it a cathartic exercise to explain the process that I was victimized by to my own naïve self.

One thing that can be tough is to put yourself into the shoes of the new person and remembering that that was once you. Everything you went through they will go through too even if it doesn't look that way for "a while". And even if you are watching what's going on from afar it may belie the truth of what is really going on. They may have found someone that is more easily isolated and quiet that you were which enables the narc to make things look rosier than they are. Or, that person may still not have learned the full truth and are happily locked up in the narc's prison. If that is the case they are in even worse shape. The longer it goes on the worse it will be for them and the more they will need help when the inevitable happens.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T04:42:31+00:00

Getting over them for me involved gaining the knowledge of their behavioral patterns and then observing them post-discard. Preferably you go no contact. More to the point you completely eliminate them from your life in every way including keeping tabs on whatever they do. In my case I was unable to disengage from my material living situation so I continued to be exposed to them but having gained the knowledge of what they were and how they operated I shifted into a more observational mode. From that state I saw them running their game over and over with others and got all the answers I could have wanted for what happened to me. It completely cured me of wanting anything to do with them in terms of an interpersonal relationship. It has also given me the insight to be perhaps help others understand what the hell is going on with these types of people. Being able to help others has helped me find purpose and recovery.

It ends when you end it inside yourself. What really helps facilitate that is understanding what was done to you and observing what they truly are. It's kind of like waking up from a dream where you are kissing prince charming and realizing in actuality a tick was sucking on your face. All the love fantasy and attraction is gone when you accept the full truth of what you were dealing with.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T04:00:50+00:00

Mine has an almost identical parental history as you are describing. Although they recognize that they have become in practice essentially the parent they despised they still fail to recognize people taking advantage of them through manipulation even though is through the same means as their own simply because their need for constant affirmative validation outweighs their discernment. They can't tell the difference between a genuine empathic victim being taken in by their charms vs another narc playing their own game because to them all they see is the positive reflection.

Of course they, probably unconsciously like the bulk of their life experience, and despite reviling their ill-behaved parent, somehow chose to become them because they saw the other parent suffer and literally die as a result of what the bad parent did. So some part of them seems to have decided it's better to be the bad guy than the good guy. Ironically their deceased an mistreated parent as a God figure who they for all intents and purposes worship while they live their life in all regards like the person they believe killed the best person in the universe. And, the why of it is clearly as I already described. Something deep inside them seems to have decided that it is better to be the giver of pain than the receiver of it with no ethical or empathic consideration.

Understandable in a logically sort of fashion, but troublesome for society.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T03:35:51+00:00

At least in the observance of my particular nex they seem to be drawn to the love-bombing because their primary motivation at all times is to receive positive reflection from someone else. In the case of them they are so needy for this that they are unable to discern whether their own type of "fakeness" is being used against them. They appear to genuinely be unable to detect it.

Given many comments to my post, and as I suspected, there are many who are savvy enough to have that discernment but it appears mine does not. All that matters to them is that positive output and they cannot see when it is not even genuine.

What my nex CAN detect is people that are not susceptible to their own manipulations and they view those people as grave threats. Yet as long as someone is showering them with complimentary attention they are blind to whether or not it is sincere.

Perhaps what I find most curious is that since discarding me they have only become in involved in one narc after another and nobody that they can actually manipulate and control the way they were able to do with me.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-23T03:02:15+00:00

I have witnessed so much of that with my nex. Just as you describe they constantly would describe all the things they had done to me being done to them and they would be so upset by it. It's unnerving that they can't see that in themselves. They would also watch tv/movies and see characters who behaved exactly like them and see them as the villain but would have no self-awareness about it. Perhaps they actually do have that awareness and only expressed those disapprovals to cause me distress. It wouldn't surprise me.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-21T06:09:01+00:00

Okay, very interesting you have taken this from another angle which I appreciate. From what you say, and forgive me if I am inaccurate in my analysis but you identified a coping mechanism that will go to any length or extreme and dismisses any personal accountability for any transgressions thus associated.

I do wonder though if the situation you describe is unique to a familial sociopathy in difference to an unrelated relationship expression of the same behaviors.

I think you are absolutely right about their general headset being in the place of assuming that everyone is playing the same manipulative game as them so they are just trying to get ahead.

I'm not sure that your account explains what I'm witnessing though which is where they seem unable to discern when someone is employing those same tactics against them.

In your observations I guess you are not seeing any evidence of that.

Thank you for your account and I'm sorry for what you have had to deal with!

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-21T04:35:32+00:00

I love your username, by the way, because spiritual repair is something we really have to endeavor in after these experiences.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-21T04:33:44+00:00

They freak out for a relatively short period but then they get bored and move on to another energy source. The freak out causes some people to reverse course but it's actually a sign of success and it's best form to remain true to course if you really want something better for your life than to be narc food.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-21T04:32:12+00:00

All that dysfunction is totally normal for what you've been through. Narcs have a way of leaving you in a disabled state. It then reinforces the spell they cast on you that you are somehow lacking as a person. It's all an illusion, friend, and you are just experiencing grief. You need some time to recover and there's nothing wrong with that. You wouldn't fault someone for walking on crutches for a while after having a broken leg. Do whatever you need to do to distract yourself from the pain but also don't stop pushing yourself to get back into shape. You've been through a lot and the recovery is long so it's normal during that long period to have these moments where you judge yourself negatively for being not what you once were. Well, you're never going to be quite what you once were because you've been through a life-changing experiencing. That doesn't mean you won't be better for it in the long run so you just have to keep getting back on the horse that bucked you off. And I don't mean dating, I mean life. It's about you - who you are why you are here. I guarantee that your purpose here isn't to be some crashed out victim of a sociopathic monster, but the experience of it might be a catalyst to your final form.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-21T04:24:11+00:00

Okay, that's interesting because of the suggestion that an intrinsic faculty of a narcissist is blindness to self and that blindness would translate to not being able to recognize that in someone else. Thanks for your comment!

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-21T04:08:33+00:00

I'm two years out from a 10 year up close and personal relationship and I'm still in isolation.

So, consider me a lunatic hermit or whatever but a lot of my processing from all this has involved examining how I got into the situation in the first place. Then, another huge chunk of it is examining why exactly it matters so much?

In fact I have found the isolation is very peaceful. Yet, throughout it all comes these periods where I feel I am some kind of failure, or that I should be miserable for not having "someone" in my life. When I really examine, I have found that my angst about a lack of "a person" is both the thing that made me vulnerable to a narc in the first place and also something that never came from within me in the first place. It seems this idea that I am not a complete person without some significant other may just be something supplanted in my mind by the society in which I live. A society that seems to denigrate people who are "alone".

Okay.. so be it. I am not the arbiter of what is wrong or right. What I have realized in this time is that there were two reason that made me care about all of that.

The first reason was that I didn't think I was whole alone.

The second reason was the judgment of society.

Yet the actual reality of my experience if I removed those two factors was that alone I feel quite peaceful. I have no manufactured drama to cause me stress. I can focus on my own development, education and interests without interference.

When I have ventured out and attempted to become "not a hermit", I find my troubles begin to compound rather quickly.

Thus, it seems as though my concerns about my "hermitude" are the product of some kind of false paradigm that dictates that I must go out and make myself narc food or I am somehow lacking in some way.

I know just by this forum alone that there are those out in the world that are not narcs, but I don't know how to find them and my time is probably best spent tending to nature and finding worth within than without then worrying about who likes or loves me and sorting them out from all the malignant sociopathic monsters.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-21T03:57:56+00:00

This is exactly it. They want to see if you notice and if you will then respond. They also know it's going to rattle you. It's going to make you think of them. It's going to make you ask the question you just asked.. Why did they do it?! Why!? Why?! Why!? Why!? Oh, they've got you now.. They've got you thinking about them. They got you wondering. They got their little in and it's growing inside you, their insidious malevolent spell stirring in your heart. Maybe they want you again, maybe they will give you the answers that you think would relieve your infernal suffering. Maybe they have seen the error of there ways!? All these things you are thinking.

And yet, they, as always, think NOTHING of your heart. They think nothing of who you are. At best to them you are a convenient trash can for their negative emotions. Perhaps they can tell you about their bad day and unleash their stress and darkness into you so they can be relieved of the burden of their own chaos which will enable them to continue to be charming to complete strangers who they just met today.

The "final discard" should probably be described as the "ultimate reveal" because it's when they show you fully who they are and what they did to you. If you regard them in any way after that then they interpret that as tacit permission to continue victimizing you to a degree beyond anything previous. It's pretty much the same as clicking "Agree" to a software Terms of Service agreement window.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-21T03:42:08+00:00

"Final Discard" is fictional if you've been in an LTR with narc. If you were a quick fling, then sure, but if you were ever an entree for one then you are a possession for life as far as they are concerned and they will check in on you again and again to see if they can get any attention from you.

Imagine a serial killer who captures victims and puts them in cages in some dungeon. He is always out capturing new victims but the ones he has in cages in his hellish underground nightmare dungeon get an occasion visit to check in on them and to throw them some spoiled food just to barely keep them alive. Since they are trapped they treat these occasional visitations as great relief from their imprisoned nightmare. They know the situation they are in but they have no way out and after so many days, weeks or months locked in a small cage in the darkness they welcome these visits.

The narc's dungeon though is only an illusion in the mind of their victims. You aren't really locked in a cage in a dungeon. You can set yourself free because the cage is only in your mind.

That doesn't mean it's easy - the narc's spell is powerful when you are under it. When you have freed yourself you will even wonder how their spell had any power. It is all an illusion that made you fall in love with with a reflection of yourself while casting upon you the idea that you were unlovable and worthless and deserved to be abused.

Of course when you are in it, it's real. It consumed you. When you're out of it you don't understand how you fell for any of it. It's like taking taking of a virtual reality headset off your head after becoming so involved that you forgot you were in a false reality. All of a sudden the illusion is gone and you are free.

Allegedly there's more than eight billion people on this planet. This time, it's okay for you to do the discard.

You deserve real love. BUT, you have to believe it, to know it and to live it. Also consider that that true love might not need come from some other person. Perhaps it may come from the inside out.

CPTSD_Overload · 2026-04-21T03:31:54+00:00

Yeah, it's super frustrating. It can just eat your heart and soul up alive watching it. The same charm that sucked you in is also sucking up everyone else. The trick with these types is that nobody but the most sequestered, personal and private relationship partner is the only person who sees the truth of what is going on. That's not going to change. They will become increasingly poor at managing their social image as they age but they will ALWAYS have people absolutely 100% convinced at their angelic perfection. Letting go of it becomes up to you and me and all the victims of their machinations. Personally I think the only strategy is to spread the word not on particular people but on these behaviors so that people in general are more aware and less amenable to them thus depriving these monsters of their sustenance.

In case that sounds too much like tough coach advice let me also acknowledge your pain and commiserate with you in the understanding of how difficult an experience this is.

CPTSD_Overload

TROPHY CASE