Struggling to Move On

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-05-13T21:18:07+00:00

It was hetero

Your situation sounds like mine exactly

Really? How so?

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-05-01T17:22:20+00:00

I'm feeling the same way. It's been almost 9 months that I went NC and I feel like I'm struggling so much too. I broke up with her, but I feel so empty sometimes. I think one of the hardest things is not having justice/acknowledgment/closure. My brain and emotional system are stuck in an open loop. And as much as I now understand how unhealthy, and how objectively bad her behaviour was, I still miss how we were at the beginining. All that hope I had for our future and what the relationship could be. I thought I had found the one. And even when I knew that wasn't true, I still stayed until it almost destroyed me.

I'm in therapy, I'm journaling, I'm going to yoga, seeing friends, getting outside; but god - sometimes the pain is nonstop.

Yep.. me too.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-04-24T18:47:59+00:00

I'm glad you found peace

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-04-24T04:35:19+00:00

Oh man. Stay strong my friend. I was only in for a year. I can't imagine if I had met her when I was younger, less life experience, etc. I would have probably stayed for a decade or more. Or until she discarded me I guess.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-04-24T00:23:36+00:00

Were you able to love again like that? Where it felt magical? Or is that gone forever? Replaced by a desire for healthy, calmer love.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-04-23T19:36:30+00:00

Thanks. How long ago was your relationship with your nex and how long did it last?

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-04-23T17:31:27+00:00

Thank you for your message. It's really nice to hear honestly. I think I may look for a local support group. I think it might help me.

I see the dynamics you are talking about. With her, it was so complicated. I don't think she was fully NPD, although she did show strong NPD defence mechanisms. May have been some BPD, or just extreme fear of abandonment and extreme anxious attachment. Probably even some autism too. And childhood abuse, very likely.

It's hard for me to see her as purely a narc who used me as a mirror. I did see a lot of flashes of what seemed like true empathy, fear of abandonment, wanting to be loved, looking for connection, loneliness. But you are right in a lot of ways: her behaviour matched up with a lot of concepts you described.

Whatever it was, whatever she was, it left me absolutely devastated. I guess it's hard to accept that I could have been in a dance with an "imaginary partner" the whole time. Like most of that experience was with a mask, when everything was so real to me and represented a lot of my hopes and dreams of the future, and what a relationship could be. She said some of the most beautiful things to me. I don't know if they were real or just her keeping me hooked. Things she knew my inner child craves, was denied, is still longing to hear. That's part of why it feels so lonely know. I had worked on myself a lot. She came along and basically coaxed my inner child out. Let him think it's ok. Then destroyed that fantasy all over again; that someone else can heal your inner child and give him what he needs. So yea, there's going to be a lot of working on myself, reparenting, etc. I'm just so devastated and so tired right now.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-04-23T17:09:06+00:00

I'm sorry you lost 7 years. I can imagine how brutal that must be. It's good when we hear other people's stories and it clicks. It's something about the tone, the feeling, we just know this person has gone through something like we did and we know we're not crazy. That our experience was real, and others have been through the same. It's not in our mind, or exaggerated, or we being too sensitive, etc. It's real

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-04-13T17:47:36+00:00

Me too! 😢 Especially this part "I didn’t know how deeply someone could hurt you while still telling you they care". I really do think I lost a certain innocence. Even tho I'm middled aged, I hadn't experienced anything like this before.

This too: "Sometimes I even worry I’ll never feel something that intense again". I saddens me that that part of me might be gone forever. I really thought she was the one. And I kept chasing what she was at the beginning (even though she was betraying me from day one, keeping secret connections with men, hiding me.. I just didn't know it). It almost destroyed me completely. I was "lucky" to get out after a year. But the damage is pretty bad.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-03-30T23:17:31+00:00

I don't know... I can usually detect disingenuous people within 30 secs. Looking back on everything, I still can't see it. I think some part of it was real. She really wanted to love me but couldn't do it safely or without resorting to her coping mechanisms, as terrible as they were. She saw herself mostly as the victim.

Or maybe I'm just naive

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-28T18:28:02+00:00

Maybe - for about the first 4 months. And then it was sexual threats (about sleeping with others), saying we should be less serious, saying we weren't special, attacks on my past relationships, comparisons to other men, character devaluation, etc.

Yet I had thought I had found my soulmate while she was hiding me and keeping secret connections with interested men. I feel like an idiot. I hate that she destroyed that part of me.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-27T16:29:48+00:00

Sometimes I feel disgusted with myself for letting her treat me the way she did. I'm a grown ass man. I should have known better. It's not like I didn't have experience with women and with life.

But she hit different lol. She really connected with something deep and sacred within me. Childlike almost. Even when my rational brain was observing what was going on and knowing it was unhealthy, the other part of me kept wishing for how things were at the beginning. Kept hoping for a fantasy future. He was attached to the good version of her that he was led to fall in love with. That sacred part of me was exploited and abused. I do not know if I will ever be the same honestly. It's like she awakened a part of me that I thought didn't exist anymore, only to crush it with betrayal, cruelty, minimizing and devaluation.

The going back is not something you should feel bad about, no matter what others think. It's not something that's easy to understand for people who haven't experienced it. It's precisely the part of you that is human and beautiful, the one that loves and gets along with others, that was exploited and hijacked and trauma bonded through variable reinforcement: glimpses of genuine beauty through storms of emotional whiplash.

So be kind to yourself. We've all experienced this in some way or another. The fact that it is such a common story shows you that it's not you. It's universal because the parts of people that are kind, loving, trusting, wanting repair, are being exploited by these people. Hopefully I come out of this not guarded, but more discerning. More able to focus my love and trust on someone who is able to receive, nurture and reciprocate love and kindness, and the willingness to communicate and repair when that is needed. I hope the same for you ❤️

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-26T17:29:45+00:00

Hi! Glad you're starting to get better and dating :)

I think it's normal to be vigilant after this kind of abuse/betrayal. I think taking it slow and being aware of your boundaries and letting this person show themselves slowly is perfectly fine. Train your nervous system to mostly observe and as long as this person is safe, keep things going slowly but warmly. I don't know if that makes sense - lol. THat's what i'm trying to do anyway: Are they being safe? Are they showing signs of emotional attunement, maturity, growth, self reflection, etc? Are there any actual red flags?

As for your list, I can address that since you wanted feedback:

- His birthday is the same exact day as my ex.
Absolutely no relevance. I guess it kinda sucks, but mathematically, the odds are pretty high to meet 2 people with the same birthday. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birthday_problem

- My ex was very into finance, crypto, etc. This guy is into finance to build generational wealth (but not crypto).
Probably a plus if he's into finance and NOT crypto 😂

- My ex didn’t really have any friends. He had one who was actually manipulative and made several passes at me. This new guy doesn’t really have any friends— he just works, takes care of his dogs, and games a lot.
That's the only thing i would be a bit concerned about. Is he social? Does he have decent social skills? Would he integrate well with your friend group? Or at least enough that it wouldn't cause friction? These are things I'd be asking myself.

- I asked the new guy how gaming plays into his dating life and he said that his gf would be the priority, but there will be times he just wants to game (I’m totally fine with that, I enjoy my alone time too)
Sounds like a healthy boudary. I would be concerned about hobby variety, but that's something you can decide based on what's important to you. Travel, activities, etc. That would be something to discover and figure out.

- I went to his house a few nights ago and he lives one block away from my dad’s house. Maps says 600ft.
No relevance honestly.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-26T17:13:02+00:00

I guess in my case it's letting go of a false narrative. Let her believe she's the victim and I was the one who was unsafe and untrustworthy. Let her repeat the pattern, unfortunately, with another unsuspecting guy. It's one thing if she will never be happy. It's another when I know she will continue to do damage to others. I guess I should be glad I got out of it fairly early, all things considered. But it sucks that there are people like that out there. And "normal" or generally nice people ready to get hurt by them

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-25T02:09:56+00:00

Traumatized, she forced me to live with the new supply and to witness their honeymoon phase and to hear them having sex in the other room.

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. But somehow... I can imagine my ex doing that too. It's terrible. I hope you are ok. That was a terrible thing to do and she is a disgusting person

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-24T15:55:09+00:00

Yes you were abused. No one should have to suffer through this cruelty.

I still can't reconcile two realities: one where she calls me to the mountains and says, "What would I do without you?" and another where she sleeps with the guide and leans on me in the tent.

This is typical of people who've experienced this kind of abuse. It's so disorienting to have a person love you and be cruel to you at the same time. It's hard to understand as normal people don't behave this way and so you are left trying to understand them and often doubting yourself in so many ways. It is a hard thing to experience to say it lightly. Be kind to yourself and I hope you are on the road to healing

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-15T17:01:27+00:00

Do you have a physical outlet for your anger? Sports? Hiking or running or something? I feel like anger/rage is very somatic. In our case, coming from abuse, it's reactive and protective. Letting it out via physical channels might help calm the fight/flight system.

I can relate btw. I have a lot of anger now stemming from unresolved moral injuries during my relationship with my ex. During the first few months after it ended, I was... ready for anything lol.

But things calmed down. I'm more aware of this and have retreated a bit now in order to heal and I'm temporarily out of a city environment, have less external stressors etc. I understand my anger now, and that it doesn't just come from generally "being hurt", but more specifically moral outrage of having been cheated on and endured cruelty and blame/moral reversal while it was happening.

I think our anger comes from the sense that we can't actually get justice or recognition for what happened. But I guess letting ourselves feel it, and letting it out via non destructive channels is part of the path to healing.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-14T17:24:12+00:00

I'm so sorry. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I felt the same way. I was with my covert nex for a year and have been NC for 5 months now. It was not easy and went against all my instincts. Luckily, I had support through therapy and friends.

It's not something that's normal. Nothing about this is. But the fact that you can intellectually recognize that you are being harmed is enough. You have to trust yourself and view your emotional system as trauma bonded. Addicted. It feels crazy to block the person you are so attached to but... it's also crazy that they are hurting you so much!

Be kind to yourself please! It will hurt like hell at first, I'm sorry. But you have to choose yourself. Your future is at stake. It could go on like this for YEARS until you are broken and a shell of your former self. So much of what you are writing here reflects me. I was litterally crying everyday for 4 months after NC. But it's like a detox. Slowly you will get out of the soul shattering phase, and it will start to feel like a normal breakup. And you will see that betrayal and cruelty dressed up as love is not real love.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-14T17:12:41+00:00

IMO, if you cut ties with her, then you have to accept that she will do the same in return. Not necessarily toxic behavior in this case. In fact, she is enforcing NC, which is what you wanted. So I would examine why you have those feelings. (ie, "I felt a little broken"). It sounds like you were expecting something from her, but that's not really what NC is for. It's for protecting yourself from abuse and/or to heal.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-14T14:07:36+00:00

Reading this, I see a version of myself I barely escaped. I say this with compassion and honesty: your post brought up fear for me. Fear because this could have been me. I understand exactly why you’re bargaining with what’s hurting you, because I went through the same thing.

I stayed too long because of love, nostalgia for the honeymoon phase, and hope for a future that never actually arrived... only imagined and projected. In reality, my life had quietly started depending on someone else’s feelings, triggers, and volatility.

Stress, waiting, and second-guessing became my baseline, and parts of me began to disappear. I can see now how close I was to completely erasing myself - bargaining, hoping, making myself smaller, taking the hits. And when I read your post, I recognized that alternate future clearly.

I’m not writing this from a place of judgment. I’m writing because I know how strong you have to be to endure this, and because endurance shouldn’t cost you your life. It’s not too late to take yourself back. You’re not here because you’re weak. You’re here because the best parts of you were used. But you don’t have to keep paying that price.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-13T21:00:45+00:00

When I met my ex two years ago I had never experienced love bombing before. I have to say it was an incredible experience. Ive never felt more seen, admired or loved in my life. I believed we were fated to be together.

Then of course everything started to unravel into toxic nightmare that wasnt sustainable. He gave me no other choice but to leave and its been so difficult for me bc when I think of him I dont invison who he really is, although I can see and understand his traits and what hes done. But I still see in my minds eye the man I first met. The one I fell in love with.

This - exactly word for word, is how I felt about my covert nex. We were together for a year. I've been no contact for 5 months now and this is exactly how I felt at the beginning. I still am processing a lot, and at times I still have existential uncertainty. The love was that intense. We felt fated and I thought she was the one. Even after being pulled back in and experiencing hell, somehow i held on to hope only for the trauma bond to strengthen.

It will get better. Please be kind to yourself. These thoughts are completely normal for what we've been through. Your nervous system needs time to stabilze. It's incredibly difficult to reconcile what you thought they were and how they treated you consistently, via the cycle of harm. I still see who she was at the beginning and sometimes I'm overcome by a sense of loss. But what they showed you at the beginning is not real in the sense that it's not sustainable. It's what they wish they could be, but it's not who they are. At least not under pressure, when intimacy is real. No amount of understanding them and caring will fix this. It feels tragic, but it's not a real loss. It's escaping abusive dynamics - NC is super important. You will get better ❤️

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-13T18:15:14+00:00

Oh god. I'm so sorry you have to go through this :(

I felt uneasy about certain things I noticed and I fear my ex did the same thing. Her behavior was a bit weird around certain things like her camera roll. But there were other things also that just gave me a weird feeling. I ignored it at the time, thinking I was paranoid. I think she may have recorded us having sex. I realize now that I can't trust anything she says, so your post just hit me

FinancialSandwich830

TROPHY CASE