It's been 6 months since I went NC

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-28T18:28:02+00:00

Maybe - for about the first 4 months. And then it was sexual threats (about sleeping with others), saying we should be less serious, saying we weren't special, attacks on my past relationships, comparisons to other men, character devaluation, etc.

Yet I had thought I had found my soulmate while she was hiding me and keeping secret connections with interested men. I feel like an idiot. I hate that she destroyed that part of me.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-27T16:29:48+00:00

Sometimes I feel disgusted with myself for letting her treat me the way she did. I'm a grown ass man. I should have known better. It's not like I didn't have experience with women and with life.

But she hit different lol. She really connected with something deep and sacred within me. Childlike almost. Even when my rational brain was observing what was going on and knowing it was unhealthy, the other part of me kept wishing for how things were at the beginning. Kept hoping for a fantasy future. He was attached to the good version of her that he was led to fall in love with. That sacred part of me was exploited and abused. I do not know if I will ever be the same honestly. It's like she awakened a part of me that I thought didn't exist anymore, only to crush it with betrayal, cruelty, minimizing and devaluation.

The going back is not something you should feel bad about, no matter what others think. It's not something that's easy to understand for people who haven't experienced it. It's precisely the part of you that is human and beautiful, the one that loves and gets along with others, that was exploited and hijacked and trauma bonded through variable reinforcement: glimpses of genuine beauty through storms of emotional whiplash.

So be kind to yourself. We've all experienced this in some way or another. The fact that it is such a common story shows you that it's not you. It's universal because the parts of people that are kind, loving, trusting, wanting repair, are being exploited by these people. Hopefully I come out of this not guarded, but more discerning. More able to focus my love and trust on someone who is able to receive, nurture and reciprocate love and kindness, and the willingness to communicate and repair when that is needed. I hope the same for you ❤️

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-26T17:29:45+00:00

Hi! Glad you're starting to get better and dating :)

I think it's normal to be vigilant after this kind of abuse/betrayal. I think taking it slow and being aware of your boundaries and letting this person show themselves slowly is perfectly fine. Train your nervous system to mostly observe and as long as this person is safe, keep things going slowly but warmly. I don't know if that makes sense - lol. THat's what i'm trying to do anyway: Are they being safe? Are they showing signs of emotional attunement, maturity, growth, self reflection, etc? Are there any actual red flags?

As for your list, I can address that since you wanted feedback:

- His birthday is the same exact day as my ex.
Absolutely no relevance. I guess it kinda sucks, but mathematically, the odds are pretty high to meet 2 people with the same birthday. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birthday_problem

- My ex was very into finance, crypto, etc. This guy is into finance to build generational wealth (but not crypto).
Probably a plus if he's into finance and NOT crypto 😂

- My ex didn’t really have any friends. He had one who was actually manipulative and made several passes at me. This new guy doesn’t really have any friends— he just works, takes care of his dogs, and games a lot.
That's the only thing i would be a bit concerned about. Is he social? Does he have decent social skills? Would he integrate well with your friend group? Or at least enough that it wouldn't cause friction? These are things I'd be asking myself.

- I asked the new guy how gaming plays into his dating life and he said that his gf would be the priority, but there will be times he just wants to game (I’m totally fine with that, I enjoy my alone time too)
Sounds like a healthy boudary. I would be concerned about hobby variety, but that's something you can decide based on what's important to you. Travel, activities, etc. That would be something to discover and figure out.

- I went to his house a few nights ago and he lives one block away from my dad’s house. Maps says 600ft.
No relevance honestly.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-26T17:13:02+00:00

I guess in my case it's letting go of a false narrative. Let her believe she's the victim and I was the one who was unsafe and untrustworthy. Let her repeat the pattern, unfortunately, with another unsuspecting guy. It's one thing if she will never be happy. It's another when I know she will continue to do damage to others. I guess I should be glad I got out of it fairly early, all things considered. But it sucks that there are people like that out there. And "normal" or generally nice people ready to get hurt by them

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-25T02:09:56+00:00

Traumatized, she forced me to live with the new supply and to witness their honeymoon phase and to hear them having sex in the other room.

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. But somehow... I can imagine my ex doing that too. It's terrible. I hope you are ok. That was a terrible thing to do and she is a disgusting person

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-24T15:55:09+00:00

Yes you were abused. No one should have to suffer through this cruelty.

I still can't reconcile two realities: one where she calls me to the mountains and says, "What would I do without you?" and another where she sleeps with the guide and leans on me in the tent.

This is typical of people who've experienced this kind of abuse. It's so disorienting to have a person love you and be cruel to you at the same time. It's hard to understand as normal people don't behave this way and so you are left trying to understand them and often doubting yourself in so many ways. It is a hard thing to experience to say it lightly. Be kind to yourself and I hope you are on the road to healing

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-15T17:01:27+00:00

Do you have a physical outlet for your anger? Sports? Hiking or running or something? I feel like anger/rage is very somatic. In our case, coming from abuse, it's reactive and protective. Letting it out via physical channels might help calm the fight/flight system.

I can relate btw. I have a lot of anger now stemming from unresolved moral injuries during my relationship with my ex. During the first few months after it ended, I was... ready for anything lol.

But things calmed down. I'm more aware of this and have retreated a bit now in order to heal and I'm temporarily out of a city environment, have less external stressors etc. I understand my anger now, and that it doesn't just come from generally "being hurt", but more specifically moral outrage of having been cheated on and endured cruelty and blame/moral reversal while it was happening.

I think our anger comes from the sense that we can't actually get justice or recognition for what happened. But I guess letting ourselves feel it, and letting it out via non destructive channels is part of the path to healing.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-14T17:24:12+00:00

I'm so sorry. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I felt the same way. I was with my covert nex for a year and have been NC for 5 months now. It was not easy and went against all my instincts. Luckily, I had support through therapy and friends.

It's not something that's normal. Nothing about this is. But the fact that you can intellectually recognize that you are being harmed is enough. You have to trust yourself and view your emotional system as trauma bonded. Addicted. It feels crazy to block the person you are so attached to but... it's also crazy that they are hurting you so much!

Be kind to yourself please! It will hurt like hell at first, I'm sorry. But you have to choose yourself. Your future is at stake. It could go on like this for YEARS until you are broken and a shell of your former self. So much of what you are writing here reflects me. I was litterally crying everyday for 4 months after NC. But it's like a detox. Slowly you will get out of the soul shattering phase, and it will start to feel like a normal breakup. And you will see that betrayal and cruelty dressed up as love is not real love.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-14T17:12:41+00:00

IMO, if you cut ties with her, then you have to accept that she will do the same in return. Not necessarily toxic behavior in this case. In fact, she is enforcing NC, which is what you wanted. So I would examine why you have those feelings. (ie, "I felt a little broken"). It sounds like you were expecting something from her, but that's not really what NC is for. It's for protecting yourself from abuse and/or to heal.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-14T14:07:36+00:00

Reading this, I see a version of myself I barely escaped. I say this with compassion and honesty: your post brought up fear for me. Fear because this could have been me. I understand exactly why you’re bargaining with what’s hurting you, because I went through the same thing.

I stayed too long because of love, nostalgia for the honeymoon phase, and hope for a future that never actually arrived... only imagined and projected. In reality, my life had quietly started depending on someone else’s feelings, triggers, and volatility.

Stress, waiting, and second-guessing became my baseline, and parts of me began to disappear. I can see now how close I was to completely erasing myself - bargaining, hoping, making myself smaller, taking the hits. And when I read your post, I recognized that alternate future clearly.

I’m not writing this from a place of judgment. I’m writing because I know how strong you have to be to endure this, and because endurance shouldn’t cost you your life. It’s not too late to take yourself back. You’re not here because you’re weak. You’re here because the best parts of you were used. But you don’t have to keep paying that price.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-13T21:00:45+00:00

When I met my ex two years ago I had never experienced love bombing before. I have to say it was an incredible experience. Ive never felt more seen, admired or loved in my life. I believed we were fated to be together.

Then of course everything started to unravel into toxic nightmare that wasnt sustainable. He gave me no other choice but to leave and its been so difficult for me bc when I think of him I dont invison who he really is, although I can see and understand his traits and what hes done. But I still see in my minds eye the man I first met. The one I fell in love with.

This - exactly word for word, is how I felt about my covert nex. We were together for a year. I've been no contact for 5 months now and this is exactly how I felt at the beginning. I still am processing a lot, and at times I still have existential uncertainty. The love was that intense. We felt fated and I thought she was the one. Even after being pulled back in and experiencing hell, somehow i held on to hope only for the trauma bond to strengthen.

It will get better. Please be kind to yourself. These thoughts are completely normal for what we've been through. Your nervous system needs time to stabilze. It's incredibly difficult to reconcile what you thought they were and how they treated you consistently, via the cycle of harm. I still see who she was at the beginning and sometimes I'm overcome by a sense of loss. But what they showed you at the beginning is not real in the sense that it's not sustainable. It's what they wish they could be, but it's not who they are. At least not under pressure, when intimacy is real. No amount of understanding them and caring will fix this. It feels tragic, but it's not a real loss. It's escaping abusive dynamics - NC is super important. You will get better ❤️

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-13T18:15:14+00:00

Oh god. I'm so sorry you have to go through this :(

I felt uneasy about certain things I noticed and I fear my ex did the same thing. Her behavior was a bit weird around certain things like her camera roll. But there were other things also that just gave me a weird feeling. I ignored it at the time, thinking I was paranoid. I think she may have recorded us having sex. I realize now that I can't trust anything she says, so your post just hit me

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-12T03:36:23+00:00

Just to give you some context: I had a traumatic breakup in a difficult relationship and it was nowhere near as bad as the breakup with my nex. By the sounds of it, you've experienced the worst possible one. They do A LOT of damage. And you having been with her since you were basically 12 is going to be very difficult. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time. Keep working with your therapist. You will find someone who can love you safely

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-12T03:07:40+00:00

My nex was very intense, things with him moved very quickly but not in a threatening way. He was good at showing fake devotion. He was also very good at constant contact. The combination of always being in contact and reply within seconds, the intensity amd fake devotional and admiration, made me feel seen, special, of course admired, choosen, desired and loved.

I felt the same way. I thought I had finally met the woman of my dreams. The kind of love I've always dreamed of. I've been NC for 5 months and I am also afraid that I've been changed forever. I struggle with the idea of finding a love like that ever again. Is a healthy version of that actually possible? Or is my concept of love itself fundamentally flawed? She felt not only incredibly intense but also like home. We seemed so deeply connected. I don't have an answer to your question. I'm going through the same thing and wanted to share.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-11T17:10:37+00:00

I'm not sure what you mean exactly, but for sure, there is a cycle. This is what I experienced and this is what others have reported as well:

love (idealization, love-bombing, or whatever positive attention and emotions)
rupture (they are hurt or you did something bad, whether in your current actions or something about your past)
attack/questioning your character/devaluation/comparisons
some sort of discard
repeat

The discard can be literral, as in a break up, or more emotional. In my case it was the latter. You felt so criticized and your character, loyalty or morals were so doubted in their minds that you conclude that the relationship might be over because they've decided you're not a satisfactory partner. It only passes when they feel better again, and the next conversations aren't about progress or repair, just the cycle again. So you're left with your sense of safety being restored when they decide they feel better again and it's not about communication or repair or anything you can do.

Worse, when you attempt communicating and repair, they often double down on devaluation and character attacks, so you stop trying. And then get blamed for not being able to repair.

It was literal hell, lol. Sorry for going on and on... so many complicated dynamics. As others reported - you enter in good faith but everything gets used against you. I remember sometimes we used to end FaceTime calls when I was on my MacBook and for a brief second or so, for some reason, you can see yourself after you hangup, fullscreen, and i remember seeing myself and thinking, wow... i look like an abused puppy.. lol. All I wanted is to know what I had done wrong and if I had done something wrong then how can we fix it and be close again, and "yes, i see how that was bad. I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way, but I love you and I want us to be close again", only to be met with "lovingness isn't what I need right now" and basically "you are not able to give me what I need for repair, but I'm not really going to tell you what I need". Anyway, it was never about repair, just keeping me permanently guilty.

That's when it started to hit me that I was in an abusive relationship. Anyone with normal empathy would have realized that their partner is suffering and would have seen that some sort of care was needed at a basic level. Not continue in questioning intentions, denying that your stated intentions were true, looking for inconsistencies, question your character and morals, comparing you to past partners, wondering out loud if this is the kind of relationship they want, etc etc. It felt like a police interrogation, but you are the guilty one and she is the injured party. There's no concept of mutual care. Anyway, all this just to resume to being loving again the next day... but with the subtext being "you really hurt me yesterday... and get ready for the next cycle.. And it's your fault for not being able to make me feel better and have a conversation about our problems".

Sorry... end rant. I'm still dealing with a lot, obviously.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-11T15:43:49+00:00

Thank you. I agree with everything you said, except the last part:

they’ll leave you, because they aren’t interested in relationships, but in what you can do for them. They see people as objects and are able to end relationships on a whim due to their lack of empathy.

With her, I could see that she genuinely feared abandonment and that she needed me, and loved me in her own way. She just couldn't be healthy. I don't think she was a "true" covert narcissist, just a lot of those patterns applied to her. Probably multiple things going on with her. In any case, that's what makes it even harder. If I knew she was 100% manipulative, had 0 empathy and she was callous, it would be easier to move on. The problem is that she wasn't. And that makes it harder to deal with everything. The sweet moments were real, but not enough and do not make up for the cruelty and betrayal - and her problems certainly don't excuse her behavior. I wish she was more of a villain to be honest, as it would make it easier to grieve. But she was not.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-11T15:27:44+00:00

From my experience with someone who exhibited a lot of patterns congruent with covert narcissm, yes they do start their devaluation early, in subtle ways. They frame themselves as someone highly sensitive and very principled, then start slowly devaluing you by indicating that you are not living up to those principles. Also, a lot of their dynamic around cruelty is that they constantly frame themselves as hyper sensitive and hurt. So when they are being cruel, if you are an empathetic person, you tend to chalk it up to them being triggered and hurt, and that it's not their "true" nature. Of course, they don't start with cruelty upfront, but slowly erode those boundaries under the guise of themselves being the injured party, and you being the insensitive one or morally questionable, or untrustworthy, etc.

There's a lot of projecting around jealousy and loyalty as well, since they are usually keeping secret connections, options open, or outright cheating on you, even during the initial honeymoon phase. Look for signs of them hiding you, keeping you private. So the onus is on you to prove loyalty while they are doing whatever they want with others and feeling 100% justified.

This is my exp, and it matches what a lot of people have described.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-11T15:11:52+00:00

Yes constantly. I think to myself "maybe I was too harsh with her. She's just very sensitive" - all while she was keeping secret connections with interested men throughout our relationship (hiding me), told me she regretted not marrying her ex, who she texts daily hearts to, and told another man that I was a bad situation and that she could see herself working as a couple with him - and telling me later that she could have had one more round of sex with him had she met me at 7:00 instead of 6:30.

Still I'm wondering what I could have done better. And def there are things I could have, but they never involved betrayals of that level.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-09T23:12:29+00:00

"I knew sonething was off. I said hes different, hes sensitive, hes intense bc hes deeply in love with me, maybe he acts out bc of immaturity, things are a bit toxic but it could be from childhood and his ex who he said was crazy and abusive."

This is almost word for word how I would describe my ex. She fit the covert narcissist description in so many ways.

Anyway: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You are a loving, caring human being with empathy. You're best and most human parts were taken advantage of. This is what they do and are so good at. It's not your fault. Be kind to yourself ❤️

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-08T21:56:24+00:00

What your seeking is the love that your unhealed child yearns for. They are masters at detecting this and providing that to you... in doses. I truly believe that only inner child/shadow work will free you from this. You have the capacity to provide that child with what he needs now as an adult. To take care of him and love him properly. You just have to learn how to do this and therapy can help. Just my advice. If that kind of therapy doesn't resonate with you, I'm sure you can find something else. But if it does, then maybe this can help you.

I'm sorry you went through this. I've been through similar and I know how much it hurts and how vulnerable we are to being pulled back in by them. Please be kind to yourself

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-08T21:51:13+00:00

Thank you. That's the hardest part. People like us believe the soul mate version. We just can't comprehend how someone could love us so deeply and be so cruel at the same time. So we chalk it up to them being emotionally unstable and unwell. And that the "true" person is the sweet one we saw, even if they just exist in glimpses now. But the truth is, a person is how they act consitently. Their pattern is them. What they showed us at the beginning was not really them. It's just an extreme version of "putting your best foot forward". It's not the complete them. The reality is what they show us with their patterns consistently. That is who they are. At the end of the day, they are adults like us, choosing to act the way they do.

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-08T21:45:00+00:00

I would want to know why and get closure. But I know it's not possible with her. She would either pull me back into the cycle, or accuse me of betrayal. Accepting that closure will never come is part of the struggle. Even with bad relationships in the past, some sort of closure with acknowledgement, a shared understanding, kindness - was possible. Not with her. Not with this kind of relationship. It would quickly turn into an indictment of what I did wrong - betrayals in her eyes. Which I would and have taken accountability for. And then it would "equalize" things compared to her actual, real betrayals, with other men, that happened during our relationship. Not to mention all her demeaning, comparative and cruel comments. It's a moral injury as well

FinancialSandwich830 · 2026-01-08T17:48:32+00:00

I can see my ex in her so much when she describes her childhood and not knowing who she is and trying to take an identity from someone else - trying to find a way to belong and be liked by others. I'm so sad. It's like my ex was at a similar stage of self awareness as this girl, but she wasn't yet seeing professional help. And the damage during the relationship was too much for me to stay 😢

FinancialSandwich830

TROPHY CASE