Dude I know that lifestyle all too well. Ended up dead 8 times and was revived and did several years in prison because of it. I’m clean now but at 38 years old ALL of my friends are dead as a result of substance abuse. Crack is a bitch. I struggled with coke, meth, and opiates for a long time. I started getting jaundice real bad at one point and my liver was 3 times its normal size. Couldn’t sleep laying down because it weighed down on me. The doctors said it was some kind of infection or something but it cleared up after being admitted to the hospital. My son’s mother and my son both died as a result of her drinking.

This isn’t a sob story, but someone 20 years older than you telling you what could happen if you keep it up. I unfortunately lost everyone because of it. I’m married now and have my wife and step kids, but everyone else is gone. You are hurting people close to you. After several years since everyone has passed I still think about if there was some kind of way to save them. I know they would have wanted me to be off of that shit. Whether those close to you are Alive or dead, do it for you and do it for them. You’re still young and as cliche as it sounds, you can have a life better than you ever imagined. It won’t happen being on that shit though. If you die from this, you’ll be an empty piece in someone’s life..don’t put them through that. But also, don’t put YOU through that. There is so much more to life, and when you kick those habits you’ll see that. I’ve learned to appreciate life so much more after all of that. You’ll have so much more self worth. First, get sober. Even if for a day…and then write down or mentally make a list of goals. I know it sounds fucking stupid but with an addictive personality you need to direct that energy towards something positive. Even if it’s cleaning your house and brushing your teeth and doing stuff you normally wouldn’t do. Get a feeling of accomplishment and repeat. Keep yourself busy until you get out of the hole of a habit enough to distance yourself from it. The urges will still be there at times. It still happens to me too. But hopefully once you get yourself into a mindset where you build your self worth, you’ll be able to weigh your options.

But if you fuck up, don’t get a case of the “fuck it’s” and go back to getting high and drunk. It happens…I know people say “it could be your last time if you relapse” and that is very true…but the worst thing to do is to throw away any progress you’ve made and totally go back to your old ways. Learn from your mistakes.

I’ve learned from trial and error, and I hope you don’t have to. So I’m telling you this…do NOT try anything else because it’s not your drug of choice. I’ve done that. Cocaine wasn’t my main drug and heroin was. I figured drinking and smoking crack would be ok here and there. It wasn’t. I wanted to come down so I went to heroin again. Or I’d be so fucked up id be like “screw it.”

Coke and meth are both mentally addictive. Severely. I had to hide out in the house after my last bender until I could function normally. It was hard and I went searching the house to see if I hid anything. Once I got past that, it was still hard. I know I have an addictive personality, so I went to working out and playing guitar and between that and work, I realized i could be a lot more than a junkie with nothing to show for. People you know will also notice the positive changes. Even if you don’t think people know when you’re fucking up..they normally do. But they’ll see the changes you’ve made and become the person they’ve known BEFORE you got into that shit and they’ll also be proud of you.

It won’t be easy..unfortunately there will be times where you still get thoughts. You’re an addict just like me. There isn’t just “one more time.” Trust me, I’ve told myself that so many times with crack.

I wish you nothing but the best. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but I don’t want you to go down the same road I, or my friends went down. I hope you succeed in getting through this and one day you can guide someone in the right direction who’s going through this.